Sunday, July 10, 2011

Stripper Mentality?

I read this little gem of a phrase on another blog and it got me thinking about my time (currently, back to doing it) as a Stripper, and how false this idea, this phrase is. Not all Strippers are doing it because Daddy didn't hug them enough, or some other lame ass Hallmark movie stereotype. They are not dancing prostitutes. Most are doing it TO MAKE MONEY. Not all Strippers have low self esteem, nor does stripping for a living lower self esteem. Stripping also has almost nothing to do with dancing. The OPPOSITE of most of these stereotypes is the case. This song reflects the stereotype (and it should POLE STAR Dancing)..........













When I started I stripping I was 22 and shit terrified. I remember my tryout and that club so well. You want to talk about the difference between "thinking" and "doing". It was a perfect example. I went in, and they gave me a spot. Now, in order to get a job at a club you have to do a routine, on their main stage. Most club owners are gauging the crowds reaction to the performance, is why. So, I get up on stage and complete panic hit me. Didn't in my living room. I was a superstar there. On stage and in five inch heels, I was a relatively uncoordinated nightmare. I was completely naked by the end of the first song. I took all of my clothes off as quickly as possible. Danced the entire second song, naked. When I was done. I looked at the stage and I had made like ten bucks. I got the job.

Now, there was a woman that worked there, that is one of the single most affecting influences in my life. Her name was Savannah. She was ten years older than me and the last of a dying breed. An entertainer, not just a titty shaker. She said, "I like you. I'm taking you under my wing." That was it, I was hers. She taught me the following laws and they are important in life in general.

1. The Law of Commodity. In the case of stripping, that's your body. That means if you are stripping, you don't let a single part of your physical body go neglected. Vanity is not only your friend, it is essential. You should have your hair, nails, skin, etc. done at all times. Shave daily. Not to much perfume, men hate that. The product has to be good, before you can sell it.

2. The Law of Art. When you are on stage, you are selling the commodity. Any woman can shake their ass. One way to be a cut above, is to make it art. The only props you have are a pole, your clothing, and the music. You must make them match. Every set has to be planned out in it's entirety. That means coming in early, staying late, etc. but is worth it. An example, is my "Black Set." She designed it and it is still a hit. The songs are "Back in Black" and a cover a friend of mine did of "Paint it Black". All clothing has to be Black. Black bra, black underwear, black stockings, black shoes, black costume. Now the routine I am not bothering to list here, but these things should be well thought out. Stripping is an ART, if you want to make money at it.

3. The Law of the Geisha. The concept was simple and complicated. All throughout history, the concept of paid for female companionship has existed. It was holy in a lot of cultures. Savannah loved the Geisha especially. You have to be well read, on lots of subject matter. Everything from current events, to the stock market, to cars. Why? Once you get off stage, you need to continue to sell that commodity. At that point it's your mind. Men want to talk at clubs and they want to talk about themselves. So, knowing the basics on any subject is good. You have to make eye contact, smile, and make them think that you are genuinely interested. This is also the reason I play Bass. Geishas played instruments and Savannah said, it makes you more fascinating to play an instrument. Being vapid at a strip club doesn't earn you money. The women that did the best were the most intelligent and funniest most of the time.

4. The Law of Withholding. Also, known as No ass without cash. She described it as a symbiotic relationship and you DO NOT give them a show (besides mental), with out money changing hands. So, if you are at a table with a guy and he wants you to sit in his lap, you ask for a tip. He wants a little show, he needs to buy a table dance, etc, etc, etc. I bring this up because, it's important to remember. All relationships should be give and take.

5. The Big Fish. This is a man with money. There are two kinds of strip club patrons. Minnows and Big Fish. Minnows, may buy one dance if your lucky and throw you a few dollars. Now a Big Fish is a different story. Play your cards right, you could make a few hundred dollars in a night. They are VIP's and are treated as such. Now they are typically Business men, or the occasional "music star" where I live, but the same rules apply. You dump all other customers for the night, mark them as yours and plant your ass firmly at their table. You have to implement the other rules to succeed with them. My favorite "Big Fish", I ever dealt with was Kid Rock. He's just fucking cool and I has more fun the night he came to the club I worked in, than any other night. Also, made the most money.

I gained self confidence stripping. It eliminated the "Oh My God, a physical flaw", mentality. I realized I was beautiful, and that all women are to some man. I learned how to communicate with people, what works and what doesn't. My basic social skills improved dramatically. I didn't learn to use men, but I began to love them more. Anyone from the 18 year old who has a birthday, to the 50 year old businessman. Not only did they want to see me naked, but most men love women, simply because they are women.

Dump the stereotype. Strippers aren't drug addled, low self esteem ridden, psychic vampires (not that they don't exist, but they are the exception, not the rule). They are the last vestiges of a dying art, that celebrates femininity at it's height and reflects the power of a well rounded woman, who has nurtured all aspects of herself. That's a "stripper mentality."

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Humans Are Monsters

I wrote part of this out for a New Age site when I was arguing the fact that Good and Evil don't truly exist. In my opinion it was some of my best work, so I'm sharing. I will warn people that I draw a direct correlation between humanity and God (biblical and otherwise) within the essay, so don't think I went Anti Christianity or became a Theist all of the sudden. ;)

Okay simply put you are wrong if you think humanity is inherently good. How could you even draw that conclusion from ANY school of thought.? Have you ever read a history book? Humans are monsters, just as the Gods of old are. After all, our species is the basis for those psychological projections.

Humanity has moved to the top of the food chain because of our monsterous nature. Historically, humans will eat each other unless authority tells them not to, for fucks sake. There is historical evidence that in the area where the Egyptian empire once stood, the tribes that ran there were cannibalistic until Ptah came along. I'm no expert in Egyptian history, but considering the fact that the man that was the basis for Amon most likely, had to conquer those tribes and then say, "Hey dumbasses, quit eating each other." Shows me just how bloodthirsty out species truly is. It's only ONE example.

Odin demanded blood and human sacrifice. They have found trees were they hung the prisoners sacrificed to him. Not to mention the whole "Wicker Man" idea. Taking a bunch of people, putting them in a huge structure shaped like a man, and then setting it on fire for a religious rite. You can get fucking bent, if you are gonna come at me with the "they were criminals bullshit." It doesn't matter. Society creates criminality, by establishing laws.

Then there is Jehovah. In the bible, The Old Testament specifically, he asks for animal sacrifice, and at times human sacrifice. The story of Aaron always stuck out to me. A good man, and God's high Priest. There's a story that Aaron gave ALL of his portion of the spoils of War to orphans because God forgot about them. This same guy is toasted by God to show the people that they need to listen to what he says. Did Aaron deserve it? Hell no. He's a good man. Jehovah's total death rate biblically is anywhere from 25 million to 3 billion.

From a biblical perspective humans are made in God's image. Look at the God and then really look around you. You may as well be a vampire, feasting on everyone's life blood around you. Our society is built on the blood of the Native Americans, on humanity's fundamental need and want to conquer, to crush others that are less than them. The atomic bomb could literally destroy ALL LIFE ON EARTH. It's humanity's creation.

A real world example is my sister's son. She went to the bathroom and heard her youngest son screaming hysterically. Came in the living room and her two year old was beating the 6 month old on the head with a jack in the box. Blood was everywhere. The kid broke the babies nose. Why would a two year old do that? Had he seen somebody do that? No. It was his instinctual nature to destroy what was smaller than him, what he viewed as a threat to his wants.

Humans war, we ENJOY IT, humans kill, we ENJOY IT, Humans crush those that are less than then them, we ENJOY IT. To say that humans are kind and good fails to take the fundamental need and want to kill others into account. Have you ever eaten meat? You're a killer than. Period.

You think that when the "New Age" manifests this will change and we will all join hands and sing kumbaya. Bullshit. When society goes, this species will be back to eating each other for pleasure, killing for fun, raping women and children in the streets, and in generally being as monsterous as we truly are. Grow the fuck up and quit reading Scott Cunningham. It's a lie. As an occultist, you are supposed to embrace your true nature, not fall to delusion.

At least Satanism admits it. ONA uses culling to illustrate this and to keep it "fluffly", Anton LaVey said, "Satan represents, Man as just another animal, sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all fours, who, because of his "divine spiritual and intellectual development," has become the most vicious animal of all." I personally revel in the knowledge that I am a monster. It makes me feel powerful. ;)

We Recognize Our Own........

I have a different take on the "we recognize our own" idea. It is a species of human being and I at least, intuitively recognize my own. I know they are "like me" and I know when people are not like me. It's an emotional thing, and almost impossible to describe.

I started coming to the same conclusions as the "core of the ONA" (those five ideas are in the video) my whole life, and in particular the past two years. I came across ONA materials pretty quick in my google searches on Satanism and just went "Nuh uh" mentally. The outer form ideas scared the shit out if me. I didn't even use the label Satanist at that point, I was in a large level of self denial.

Now, when I started at SIN I gravitated towards certain people. I loved the way they wrote, their perspective on things, these are my "must reads" when I log in. These individuals were before I ever signed up for SIN. I for example, loved Satan's Serrated Edge and his take on Satanism. LOL. ;) These individuals I consider friends, I have always liked them and my friendships with them occurred organically. The whole process has been. I know my own kind.

The irony is I never thought any of these individuals were ONA, I assumed they were "LaVeyan" or just Satanists as Mr. Dread used to say. I did a thread on what I got out of LaVey. Now, when they all "came out" and said they were ONA, I was floored personally. My own perspective colored what I was reading. I didn't want to be ONA or a Niner, I was scared.


http://www.satanicinternationalnetwork.com/forum/topic/1709

Now, the Seven Fold Sinister Way, etc. I think "burns off" the memes that are not part of a Niner's true character. The whole esoteric process is to take those individuals back to who they really are. That is a tough process due to the amount of mental programming an individual receives from birth by society. It has to be done and regardless of how it is done, these individuals will seek out ways to do so, without necessarily walking the predetermined path of ONA's exoteric form. It is better to commit to being one of the Devil's own in a way that is obvious than it is to pussyfoot around and talk about it. It takes physical, real world acts to burn of those memes faster.

I know in my own personal experience, the physical portion is not only doable, but necessary. Since I started a military style physical fitness course, I have changed DRAMATICALLY. I also have learned every time I hit a wall and think I can't go any further, I can. I can push past it, I can do more. I also, hit a mental state that is indescribable but is better than any drug, any ritual, etc. I can do. I feel whole and complete for those moments. It is a form of gnosis that I am obtaining every time I engage myself physically.

So am I a Niner? Like Span316 said to me, "If you're not a Niner than what are you?" I take the label Niner on with the upmost of respect for the people that have invented and perpetuated the memeplex, I have grown to love. I personally hope to be an asset to that memeplex with my own undertakings. Am I an adept? Not yet, but I will be with time.

You Did This..........

Look you DID this. I was born an unique creature that didn't fit into the mold you wanted to place me in. I however, had to play ball. There was no consideration that maybe, just maybe I wasn't like everyone else. I took care of myself as a child, out of fear of YOU, a faceless, disgusting entity would take me away from my family. I was responsible, unlike most people that subscribe to your ideals. I always have been.
As I grew older, you forced me to conform. You infected me with your lies, half truths, and false wisdom. To make another person be a part of the machine, you forced a square peg into a round hole. I bled to make that transition. I cut the parts of me that were the most precious off. If I hadn't of, I wouldn't have survived. Who were you to decide that for me?
It was insanity causing did you realize that? A part of my brain was screaming, "This isn't you." I made it shut up. I dealt with constant doubt, a fear of my abnormal state. I knew I wasn't like everybody else. Always did. I used to watch kids at school and beg God to make me like them. Just for five minutes, so I could understand why they cared about cartoons and pop stars. I used to wonder why I was made the way I was. Same as an adult, watching people that I worked with and thinking, "Why don't I care about the same shit? Why do they seem so lifeless, so stupid?"
I fought back using every method you gave me. It never worked. I can't recycle enough cans to save the planet. I can't donate enough time or money to make what I want to see realized. I did make attempts to do what I wanted, within your ideals. I failed. I may as well, have pissed away all of that time effort and energy. I knew the system was corroded, broken and in desperate need of fixing. I also, felt alone in my realization of that and the task to fix it was impossible.
All my life I have been a kind, nice and understanding person. I deal with people that aren't like that, constantly. I give them my trust and they break it. They use me, they bad mouth me when I'm not looking. They try to raise doubt, in order to make me conform, make me crack. They show me no respect, even when I extend it first. It always hurts and I've never understood why people don't have some basic fucking responsibility for their actions.
Then there's the internet. A vapid wasteland of posers, maybes and what if's logging on. I never started on these Satanic forums to make a bunch of friends, or be Miss Popular. I did it because I learn differently. I learn through interaction, more than reading. I found Satanism. There's nobody around me that is into that. I needed to step into that medium. I had read for awhile and found some really cool minds posting in cyberspace. I wanted to see what they had to say, up close and personal. So, I joined a network and started posting. Do I buy everything I read? No, I am only looking for people that make me think. That may as Shugz says, "Have a piece of my puzzle."
Lately, I've been shown the underbelly of the Satanic movement, in particular on the internet. I had a friend on a website, stab me in the back for no other reason than an attempt to gain more stature. I have dealt with pressure from a lot of people that I respected, to turn back, don't look into ONA, you're conforming, you're becoming part of a herd. The stereotypes about ONA, and lack of personal responsibility is shocking to me. I have been personally insulted, bad mouthed when I'm not around, and in generally treated like shit for having an interest in something. I wouldn't do it to someone else, just for their school of thought. I have been more of a "prove you're idiocy type." These recent events are changing that. I am starting to think "Oh here we go another Super Serial Adversarial Fucktard."
I don't want to hate, dislike and abhor the majority. It is happening though. Rather it's my best friend screwing me over, a neighbor using me for personal gain, a cop telling me not to shoot off fireworks, or a bunch of idiots on a website throwing out insults and stereotypes.
You are making me hate you. You are forcing my hand over and over again. I was always the enemy to you, you're system, your values. YOU made it that way, I didn't. Now, that I have realized that I play for the opposing team, what do you think I'll do? Smile and keep getting my teeth kicked in, or fight back? I realize that even when I played ball, YOU knew I wasn't like you and you hate what you don't understand. Thanks, it is now returned in full measure. You just created another enemy. I finally see just how horrible, awful and infectious, the things called Mundanes and Magians are. YOU did this. So, when this FemaleSatan, takes her pound of flesh owed, don't be surprised. It was you intention and wish, not mine. I pitied you BEFORE, now I hate.

Why ONA?

Now as for me, if someone asked why (in a nice, non dickish way), I would say this. I am in love with Anton Long. I fall in love with certain authors, and want to crawl into their brains, their thoughts, their words, and never leave. He has a fascinating dichotomy of brute strength, and sensitivity, that tumbles off of the pages. To me, it boiled down to a little quote from him I found in the Numinous Way.........


"However, like the faculty of empathy, our faculty of Will- the faculty of reformation and evolution of ourselves, is often underused or ignored."

I am in love, like I am with LaVey, Crowley, Jason King, Mr. Dread, Diavolo, Mindfux, Shugz, and a number of other people. To make it sound cheesy, Long sang my heart song when he wrote The Numinous Way, Sapphic Sorcery, and about The Rounwytha Tradition. The beauty of his words, bring tears to my eyes, make me think and that is WHY.


The rest, "Will the ONA collapse the system?", "Oh, I don't like them", " Prove it.", "It's about Doing, followed by What have you done?", doesn't matter to me. He sings my heart song.

Like Shugz said in a recent blog, "He has a piece of my puzzle." That is enough for me.

I Am Philosophically Wishy, Washy Or I Hate All Men At The Moment

Okay, so I got a bit of a beatdown in SIN chat yesterday. This was over my acceptance, tolerance, etc. of Christianity and other schools of thought. This was followed by me attempting to get my Qabalist husband to agree with me, and getting the exact OPPOSITE of that. He agrees with the individual who gave the beatdown. Anyhoo, here goes (I wound up tape recording my husband about halfway through, his beatdown)......

"FS, the issue is simple. You tell me all the time that Satanism is about opposing society, it values, etc. FULLY, is that not correct?" -Set (the asshole)

"Yes, but I don't hate people that believe differently, I see wisdom in everything."-Me

"You are full of shit. This is my issue with Satanism in general. It's wishy washy. The people who say they are Satanists and oppose society base their philsophical leanings on the idea that they should be accepted and tolerated and then spread that idea. You're personal philsophy has no teeth."- Set (the asshole)

"I DO have teeth. My philosophy has teeth. I just don't hate everybody and I don't feel Christianity is responsible for all the ills in the World." -Me

"Again, you are WRONG. The idea that all men are equal, all religions are equal, is responsible for how fucked up society is. It has oppressed women historically. It has taught tolerance and acceptance of all the things you claim to hate and oppose. You told me that you think the dichotomy breaks down into all things that are societal are represented by God. That all things that are not part of society, profane, or considered ugly are represented by Satan. Is that not correct?"- Set (the asshole)

"Yes."- Me.

"You sound like someone who has taken political correctness and mashed it into a philosophy that represents the opposite of that ideal. Some are stronger, some are weaker. I read Might is Right, Goddammit. You accept gay people's right to marry, that all races are equal, that men and women are equal, and now that Satanists and people of all other religions are equal in their philosophical ideas?" - Set (the asshole).

"No, it's not that I just think that everyone is allowed a choice and that should be made with freewill. That all people have a right to believe what ever they want." Me.

"You sound like a New Ager. I don't think like that. I think that my belief system is 100% absolutely correct. That it is superior to all other Religions. That I am right, with an absolute conviction. I also think you're belief system is completely wrong, and I can't stand it. I love you, not your philosophy. I have made that the "untouchable subject" for that reason. You are wishy washy." Set (the asshole).

"So you are telling me that you think I have only gone halfway here? That I am to tolerant?" -Me

"Yes, beyond that you pick up these people that don't think like you do like lost little sheep. You defend them. You are a popular Satanist. That is another issue. You should be unpopular, you should be hated. You should not be cowtowing to the most common denominator. You are afraid to be true to who you are. I live with you. You aren't like that, not really. You post like that, you put that face on for your adoring public. You are afraid of conflict, while claiming to like it. You are a hypocrite." Set (the asshole)

"I am not a hypocrite. I am a tolerant person." Me

"Let me put it this way. You may as well paint your Satanism pink. You say it should exist in the shadows. You say it should be hard, difficult, and not for the masses. As long as you keep your, I love everyone and everybody is equal mentality, you are part of the problem. You need to reassess. NOW." Set (the asshole)

"I hate you. I really, really do. I am not ready for this particular paradigm shift. I don't want to see the World in this light."-Me

"Thing is, you already do. You know that you're philosophy is superior to all others. You know you are supposed to fight back. You know all of this, but you don't want to do accept it. You are hiding from the truth. All people should have conviction in what they believe. Be willing to fight and die for it. That's how people of all faiths should be. If you're not, you are weak philosophically or Religiously in my case. Have the fucking paradigm shift, or go back to being a Wiccan. If I was a Satanist, I would hate you for watering down my philosophy. I would view you as the enemy." Set (the asshole).

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Me

"No, I bet that's how all of those motherfuckers you run with really see you, but won't come out and say it. You are either going to move to a place of total and complete conviction in Satanism or be the next Venus Satanas. Figure it out. You need to pull the fucking trigger here, to use your own terms. To hell with the consequences." Set (the asshole)

"You're right, you're all right. Motherfucking assholes. I need to pull the trigger here." Me.

"Then pull it already. I would have more respect for you if you did. This is what those motherfuckers mean when they say you have the substance, but your form needs work. Absolute conviction." Set (the asshole)

So, the Qabalist agrees with the Satanist and the weakest part of my own personal paradigm has been identified. *sighs*

I See You

You may think you beat me, but I see you.

You may think you know me, but I hide from you.

You attack because I am a threat to you, I know you.

I see the chains you put on me, I defeated you.

I exist in the shadows and behind closed doors, you in the open.

You need the World to agree with you, I don't ask for such pleasure.

You say I am weak, because I frighten you.

You wear a mask, but I see the ugly face behind it.

You need approval, I need truth, undefiled Wisdom.

You are spineless, I am steel.

I know you, I see you, I am your worst enemy, and your best friend.

I am your mirror, and you hate to see the truth.

I know you, I see you,

I love you and I am there for you,

when you realize you are defeated, broken and lifeless,

just another victim and I am the Warrior,

that annihilated you.

Mental Scars

There is always a reason someone, especially a Satanist has hit a major stumbling block. Most of the time for me, these stumbling blocks are a base personality characteristic, that is manifesting in an aborted manner. This is compounded with a refusal to reason. Every damn time. I do it, I will refuse, absolutely refuse in the most absolute way to look at my own behavior. To accept what I already know, if I wasn't turning a blind eye and refusing to change.

I will justify it. To the point of it being downright laughable. Like a two year old and throw a fit if necessary to make it stop. I will hate anybody who touches that soft spot. I will view them as the enemy. Why? Self examination is painful.

This is nothing like "breaking chains" (which is the common way, this has been described). Nothing at all. Breaking chains makes all of us sound like the Hulk using all of his strength and a ROAR!!!!, to get out of a jam.

No, it's like finding a small cyst in your leg, that aches a bit. So, you take out a rusty, slightly dull pocket knife and cut the son of a bitch out yourself. It's painful, there's bleeding. You may even want to stop due to the extreme nature of the pain. However, you keep going. Dealing with the blood, the pain, in order to remove this fucking cyst. This thing that just ached a bit. Then you sew it up, with a needle and thread. There is always a scar, They are visible to anyone who has done the same thing themselves.

These mental cysts are really cancerous. They cloud your mind and make you view the world in a distorted light. They will kill you, you are the walking dead until they are removed. More importantly, you can infect others, if you're not careful. It HAS to be done. Every damn time, to hell with any potential sickness, pain or consequences entailed. It's WORTH it.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to a refusal to use reasoning. That simple and due to the nature of the human mind, that complicated and painful.

Fighting Back Part2

Okay this blog has nothing and everything to do with Satanism and EVERYTHING to do with Satanism. I wrote a blog a couple weeks ago about why I have gotten into good physical shape. This is the second part and about the physical fitness course I signed up for. I will publish the exact physical training exercises in a part three blog. I wanted to touch on well, how much I suck and how I have a LONG way to go, before I am where I want to be.

So, the first day I get to the training site. It is a field with a small gym on it. Cool. Looks like fun, I am excited. Then I got my physical. I barely made it through the damn thing, and found out that if I was entering the military, I would meet the requirements for entry, but by the skin of my teeth. I weigh 109 lbs. which is a personal victory (I never weigh myself). I was told to quit smoking (that sucks, btw, day three and a headache), cut down coffee to one cup a day (I drank about three cups), no beer, no soda, no junk food, and to add more protein (I'm almost Vegetarian), more fruits and vegetables, etc. So, no more of the stuff I love. Not at the moment. I need to build muscle mass. So, an overhaul of my diet is required yet again.

Second Day: Now, the training starts. Now, I am over the moon that most other people that signed up are FAT. I get to laugh my ass off at them, knowing that I am there to build muscle mass and get in better shape, while they are there to lose weight. Wahoo!!! I am the queen. Nope, not even close.

Halfway through a ten mile run I had a heat stroke. The first one to fall, is what the trainer says. I am barfing, shaking, breaking into a cold sweat, crying hysterically, and my trainer is yelling, "First one down!!!!" Which causes everyone to stop and laugh. I have to wear a ribbon that says, "First down" everytime I go. Nice. I am paying to get made fun of at this point. I am going to a place to get told I am the weakest.

Third day: I wake up and every fucking part of my body hurts. I start crying in bed (it's 3 am, have to be at Hell at 4 am), from the pain. My right knee, which I injured in Highschool and have a degeneration of cartlidge in is three times it's normal size. Back to wearing a knee brace for this shit. I have to go, even though I don't want to, I have to fight past the pain and utter since of failure.
Get to the training site and it's popquiz time. First down (which is my official nick name, btw) has been selected to run through the initial physical fitness test again. I failed. I failed big time. The trainer tells me they randomly, have you redo the physical fitness test to show you that you were "fresh" the first time so did better. He calls it a reality check.

Fourth Day: Random laugh worthy shit. I am in my car and I am wearing flip flops trying to get the courage to pop all the blisters on my feet. I hate doing that, but they will pop while I'm running or now. Nine of them, fucking nine blisters. I pop all of them one by one. Then I do the normal thing, neosporin and a band aid. Put my foot on the ground and step on a bee. Get stung.

I'm in the middle of the P.T. portion later on. We're doing this suck fest of a set. Ten jumping jacks, then to the ground ten pushups, roll over ten situps (do this 5 sets, standard shit). A fucking bee climbs in my pants and stings me on the ass. Seriously.

Get home and am walking outside (random personal fact, I don't wear shoes at home, ever) and step on another bee. That is three bee stings in one day. LOL. Since it was the same foot both times, it is was swollen to twice it's normal size for 24 hours.

Fifth Day: Today, I get to the place and realize where there were 40 people, only 15 came today. I ask the trainer and he says, "First down, that's normal. Out of the 40 you started with, maybe 5 will finish the course. It's why the money is due up front and is nonrefundable." So, I am at least so far, surviving the course.

Now, while I was on the ten mile run, I had this moment. This incredible, and hard to describe moment. I suddenly could only hear my breath and my heart beating. All chatter was gone. I could hear the birds chirping, all the colors around me were brighter, and for a few moments, I felt free. No thoughts, nothing. Just me, my body, the sun and this clarity. A few moments of really being in the moment. I felt more alive then, than I have most times in my life. I've had that happen before while working out, but not like this. It was bigger, and more powerful than anything else. I have the Will to finish this. It's worth it, for that moment. That moment was reality, it's the only way I can explain it. Total and complete clarity.

The Color Red (an odd analogy). ;)

The idea of Subjective Reality always reminds me of a teacher I used to have. She held up an apple one day in class and said, "What color is this apple?" Answer: "Red." She said, "Did you know that no two people see color the same way?. Each person interprets the color red slightly differently upon sight. The eyes of each individual see in a unique way. Different cultures use different words to say red. Is the apple red? Yes, but what red means to you is not what it means to me. However the apple is definitively red, it's not green." That always stuck out for me. My red is not anybody else's, but it is still red.

I used to think what does red look like to other people? How different was it as a color to my mom, or my sister? Is there a way I can see the way they see red? Could I ask them about it and get an answer that would explain what red is to them (answer no, btw). How do I know my red is even really red? Maybe it's everybody else's purple. This idea obsessed me for a long time. How do I know my interpretation of ANYTHING is right? Maybe all of my versions of colors are wrong. Is everything like this? My eyes see differently than everybody else's. So, everything is different for me than it is for somebody else, etc, etc, etc.

However it's still red, no matter who is interpreting the color through their eyes, meaning if I ask you what color is that? The answer should be red. Each individual is seeing the same thing, it's just colored by individual interpretation. ;)

My Satanism Bleeds.....

It started as an intellectual exercise. I loved to debate is it a philosophy or a religion? Is online manifestation real or not real? What school of thought do I subscribe to? Etc, etc, etc, and on and on and on and on. Lately, it's changing, it's becoming more than a philosophy, more than a religion, more than a lifestyle.

It started small. A difference in the way I talked to my kids. An irritation at somebody who spends all of their time justifying and making excuses. A lack of understanding at why people bow to a Master. A small spark of hatred when I drove past a church. A thought that everyone is a zombie at the grocery store. A hatred of "big business" and "big fashion." Just passing thoughts and little changes. A tinkering here and there.

Then, it grew, it bled into more than just the way I thought and started affecting what I do. A complete overhaul at times of my life and my actions. It is constant. I have a hunger and desire to learn. A hunger and a desire to obtain more than my parents did. A hunger and a desire to improve myself in every possible aspect. A hunger and a desire to become my true self, and not be another shill to the system. A willingness to act, to do whatever it takes to take the next step, raise myself to the next plateau. And then the next plateau and the next one, never ending, always being better, always improving.

I don't know what my Satanism is anymore. I can't give you a word, a category to put it in. It's not something I think about as much and when I do intellectualize it, I realize I am remembering what I always knew. Becoming who I always was. Not a philosophy, not a religion, not a lifestyle, but me. Just a word, or a few words, that say exactly who I am. Who I will become, as I continue to progress. My Satanism bleeds and colors all of my actions, my hopes, my thoughts, my desires, and my very will. My Satanism bleeds. Does yours?

Adversaries......

*loosely inspired by a handle used on SIN

Adversary1: I am an Adversary so I listen to black metal.

Adversary2: I am an Adversary so I shaved my head and grew a goatee.

Adversary3: I am an Adversary so I flipped off my parents.

Adversary4: I am an Adversary so I wear all black.

Adversary5: I am an Adversary so I am a slut.

Adversary6: I am an Adversary so I follow LaVey.

Adversary7: I am an Adversary so I hate grammar and spelling.

Adversary8: Quick question Adversaries, what do you oppose, what are being Adversarial to? What are you fighting against?

Adversary1: Stuff.

Adversary2: Hair.

Adversary3: You're judgmental 8.

Adversary4: Color.

Adversary5: I'll sleep with you, quit asking questions.

Adversary6: You, asshole.

Adversary 7: I don't know.

Adversary8: That's what I thought, you oppose nothing.

Zero Tolerance Policy and an Example of a Broken System

got a real World example of what is wrong and why the system needs to be fought against yesterday. I was standing on my porch and I was shooting off bottle rockets. The kids are laughing, it's a golden moment. I am breathing in my emotional surge of happy, when I see a police officer standing in front of me. I say, "yes?" He says, "It is a violation of a city ordinance to shoot off fireworks in the city limits." I say, "Really?" I genuinely didn't KNOW that. He says, "Yeah I'm giving you a warning." Tells me where the local display is, etc. he leaves.

My husband says, "Nanny state much?", when I tell him about it. We're laughing when we see the cop has come back again. The cop says, "My boss just informed me there is a ZERO TOLERANCE policy on shooting off fireworks in the city limits. I have to issue a citation. Can I see your ID?" I say, "I'll go get it." My husband, "No just use mine." The officer says, "No, I have to see her ID, she was the one who was caught in the act of violating a city ordinance."

I go get my ID and hand it to the cop. He's filling out the form and I'm trying not to laugh. My husband is playing a game I taught him called How far can you go?. What that means is when you are in front of an Authority figure, you talk shit under your breath to see how far you can go, before getting warned. My favorite was, "Of course it's an $80 fine. We've gotta get that new library built somehow." The cop leaves and I have my court date, and citation in hand. I go inside because I'm pissed off.

This IS the problem nobody wants to face. Don't cops have better things to do than bust women in the suburbs firing off fireworks? Zero tolerance policy? What the fuck? I'm thinking about all of this the rest of the night. Put the kids to bed and the sun goes down. I'm sitting on the porch and I start to hear it. Little pops everywhere. All over the neighborhood. I guess nobody else knows it's a "violation of a city ordinance. This solidifies the "everyone's a criminal idea" I have had for a while.

I shot my fireworks off as well. Even though the theoretical risk was another fine. Even though a "zero tolerance policy" was in place. I had to fight back before that idea burrowed into my brain. That I must submit to the City. Fuck that shit. It would have been impossible for the cops to bust everybody that was doing it. The actual chances of me being caught again were low (even though they were going to watch me according to the cop from earlier). An incident from a few years ago (an idiot blew their hand off), is not going to stop me from doing what I want.

The risk attached to this retarded ass, subversion I committed was worth it. On a day that symbolically represents independence, freedom, and a handful of men that fought back and defeated a Government, I am getting smacked in the face with the reality of the system and what was really being celebrated. The death of independence in favor of protection. A system that feeds on humanity, teaches them to eschew all personal responsibility, and one I personally detest.

Doing something to help defeat what the system represents is necessary. That comes in many different forms. My personal affiliation will always be with the people that see the same problems, and are actively engaging in ways to stop it. Anything less, would show a lack of integrity and honor for me personally. It's not about conforming or "drinking the koolaid", it's about who I am and what I want to see come next. I want to be part of the solution, not the problem.

My Thoughts on Satan and Why The Archetype Concept Fails......

I have firmly touted the idea that Satan is an archetype in the past. That my goal was to become a Female version of that archetype. I have fallen in love with the beauty of Gods like Babalon, Ishtar, Inanna, Tiamat, Isis, Kali Ma, etc. Any female Goddess I could find to put that beautiful, but dark label on. Forging a path I felt was unique and timeless, excitedly delving into mythological accounts, in an attempt to understand the Female Archetype of Satan. I found what I was looking for, and it was beyond anything I ever thought, and the ultimate realization was simple, I was wrong.

While there are mythological Gods and Goddesses that are representations of Satan, they are fun house mirrors. Each Goddess I have explored catches one aspect, one facet. None of them are the absolute Satan. They are twisted, partial reflections of what I intuitively feel Satan as a concept is. I have never found one that is an exact replica of me, or what I feel intuitively when I think of what Satan and Satanism represents. Never have. I have searched, looked, pondered, and debated this idea endlessly. I have read book after book, hoping somebody somewhere, would give me a hint.

Then it hit me. There is the physical universe. It has very specific constructs. I live in it, everyone does.

Beyond that, is ideas. Constantly bouncing off of each other, mutating, growing, changing, building on each other. Being interpreted by humans, evolved, blasted, made over, etc. Everything started as an idea. Ideas create more ideas, etc. So, what is Satan? hell what is everything I touch, smell, taste and see? An idea, brought into the physical by someone. Rather it's a computer, or an apple (ie, the apple got it's name, from the idea it represents).

Satan, is to me personally, just that an idea, a concept. A "Master Idea", that embodies about half of the ideas I encounter. Anything ugly, profane, unseen, feared, rejected, etc. Mr. Dread would use the word antimonian and it applies. So does heterodox. I define Satan roughly as, That which is rejected or unaccepted by society. By default, Satan is also that which opposes Society and it's constricts. A large concept, and a difficult one to explain.

Making Satanism a very basic thing. Embracing all of those dirty, ugly, awful, nasty shit rejected by society including but not limited to Racism, Nazism, Sexism, Hate Speech, Crime, etc in order to rid yourself of those Societal ideas that one was infected with from birth. That's the only way to determine what you as an Individual really think, by embracing what has been Demonized and seeing what is 'core' you or not 'core' you. Somehow, I just know it. I just don't have the vocabulary to explain it in it's totality, I don't think it exists, in any language. It is something that has always been there, a dark veil over my whole life, whispering, "You're part of the darkness, admit. Embrace it and see what you truly are, what you will become."