Saturday, April 14, 2012

Yet Another Emotional Rant ;)

Posturing: The moment one starts to present themselves as they want to be, not as they actually are.

Know when it comes to posturing, there are some things that just crawl under my skin. One is the Unemotional game people wanna play. To pretend they feel nothing, that things like fear, pain, sorrow, hate, love, etc are things they don't feel or have risen above.

Like anything that really bothers me, it is an oil and water thing. I feel and I feel emotions at a great depth. I will cry over a lyric to a song if it resonates somehow. I have good ole fashioned I will destroy you and dance over your dead body Motherfucker depths of Rage. I experience things like this at such a depth the alternative is unfathomable to me.

I swim through a constant sea of emotions that cloud my Objectivity. They are there and they are very real. In fact, when I hit those emotional depths I feel more alive. Like the moment I felt the true depth of sorrow or love or hate or pain I was truly alive. That the events that made me feel those things were what LaVey referred to as 'Vital Existence.'

If you're not feeling the depth of emotion and those emotional reactions, are you really doing a life that progresses you, that evolves you into more than the person next to you? Or have you simply cut yourself off, abandoned the things that make existence worth living?

A great example is romantic relationships. So many people get to burned, to hurt to re engage in a romantic relationship. But are they really living by not taking that chance, by not allowing themselves to get hurt? No. In order to avoid pain, they miss the joy, heartache, etc that comes with having another individual that in your life.

And that's the rub, I guess. Emotions cloud the mind, while making things more real, more worthwhile. Every emotional depth I have hit has effected me. The fact that my heart used to be so open, is why I am now so selective as to who I allow in, why I understand someone being one of my 'own' verses not being one of my own. Having experienced rage at such a level is why I control it (breathing and counting works wonders). Having experienced sorrow at such a depth is why I hold on to happiness as hard as I do. Feeling the lump in your throat, oh I could die or be seriously hurt, heart beating to fast fear is why I aspire to be a Female Warrior.

Those emotional depths and the psychological scars I have is why I have become who I am. Those emotions are what drive me to evolve thyself, not the rest of the World. They are why I fight, why I engage with my environment in such an aggressive manner, why I live the way I do.

I want to live, I want to experience every facet of life that I can before I am finally done with existence. There is a difference between controlling your emotions and denying they exist. Vital existence requires control, not denial.

Monday, April 9, 2012

The Ugly Side of Life

Sometimes something so out of the ordinary happens that the fabric of what you perceive as Reality is ripped away. You get to witness the visceral, bloody and very real threats that exist around you. You realize you could be snuffed out like a candle flame, in an instant. You get struck dumn by just how mortal, how vulnerable you are.
These I things pull the shiny veneer of safety and comfort off of your mind and that Reality lens you look through. That’s the biggest lie that gets told to the self. That you’re invulnerable, that you’re safe, that you’re protected from the ugly things, from Death and blood.
When the simple truth is that the ugly side of things is always there. Bleeding through the surface of your safe little World. Some people are soft, and lack any time they have turned and seen the Ugly side of things. Others have and shove them down, pretend those things never happened. Others face them, run towards experiences that make them experience the Ugly Side of Life over and over again.
I don’t know which category I fall into. I spend a lot of time denying the awful I have faced, wanting to have ‘normal’ even if it’s in small increments. I lack a level of Experience with the Awful that some people have, making me ‘soft.’ I also tend to have the Ugly Side of Life breathing down my neck like I am its Daughter or a part of it.
Does that mean I seek it out? Nah, things just HAPPEN that way, like a wake the fuck up and realize that the World you live in is as plastic and fake as you know it is, Demon is following me around, pissing on my delusions for shits and giggles. I can wax philosophical about Experienced over Headspace shit all over the place, but at the moment I would like to be dealing with the theoretical, the Unknown.
Why? Because not a single fucking thing I thought I would think, feel, etc after a real nice in your face tragedy was right. Because witnessing someone die, violently and for no damn good reason makes me want to curl up into a ball and sob.
FS