Life is strange, you can know people and never really know them. They can stand in front of you and communicate nothing to you.
Hell, I am an expert at this. I rarely volunteer personal information to anyone. The internet knows more about my internal dialogue than most people I know irl. I am not going to say it's because most people are to stuck in their head to ask.
It's me. I am (at best) odd and have been since I was a small child. I can remember being six and I just decided that all of reality, everything I saw was part of a movie. I was terrified, shit terrified that at any moment the director would yell cut and I would find out the truth. I carried this around, never told anybody about it, until now.
You may get a little glimpse here and there but I edit myself. I make sure that what I am saying matches you in some way and betrays nothing about me. Nothing embarrassing or overly revealing will ever pass my lips.
People use the term "in the closet" A LOT. Why? Large portions of my life live in the dark. My sex life, my fantasies, my fears, my worst memories, all sit in the dark. I like that there are parts of me nobody will ever know, I don't want anyone to.
I recently had a discussion with a slave (M/s, look it up. I can't be assed) and she kept talking about how important full transparency was in her relationship. This guy knows when she shits, every bite of food she eats, fucking EVERYTHING. It was like talking to an alien, something from a distant planet telling me why their way is better.
She seemed happy, content, and madly in love. The kind of love that makes the back of my throat hurt and my eyes stingy. I am this closed off, neurotic mess, who is always looking for the knife to pass between my ribs.
In that conversation I GOT IT, I saw it in front of my own eyes. That's love, that's the thing everyone is supposed to want. That one person you will allow to crawl in your mind and see everything.
I have issues with this realization. The first being this means I have loved once in my life and he hurt me over and over again. He used the private, personal shit against me.
The second realization was I don't think I can do it. There are some great guys out there (I am seeing one now) but I don't feel like I can tell him everything, I have a hard time telling him I am sick or tired.
The third realization: This is a big line for me. It's funny, society has fed me so much and the amount of deprogramming I have done and continue to do is massive. This wasn't given to me by society though, it's a defense mechanism built up by a lifetime of being shit on by people.
It colors every personal relationship I have. I'm there but in body only. I keep my mind to myself. I walk around disconnected. Touching but not feeling, talking but saying nothing, caring but not loving.
I learned to only trust and rely on myself at the expense of a having a single human connection.
That's the essence of this line I found: trust. I don't have any left.
