Sunday, August 28, 2011

Interwebz Irritation.......

I am writing this because I see a little "trend" that pops up on these various networking sites pop up again that really, really pisses me off. It's the "Can't we all just get along" trend.

It is well known that I hang out at SIN. It's a site that uses stratification over typical "hierarchy style" models used at other sites. I LIKE that. I always have. When the shit hits the fan to hard or I for some reason can't handle the conflict there, I will take a break (rather than "spinning out" publically or deleting my account (again) ). I don't try to change the place. I don't make blogs or posts saying everyone should "play nice". Why? I know it will never happen.

The conflict at these sites is there for a reason. It can be used to your own advantage. If you post something and it gets ripped to shreds it probably sucks. I had one such blog myself and a slight change (after a HUGE back and forth) made it one of my best. Mr. Dread talks about this use of the conflict in his blogs The Fire and Application. I feel these "Assassins" provide a service to ALL users. Even if you disagree with the assessment of your work, at least you recieved an alternate opinion. To say we should all "respect each others extra special super serial individuality", would make this way to refine yourself, to test yourself, no longer available.

All "umbrella groups", will endlessly debate the ins and outs of what they subscribe to. There's a reason for this. To define what is the "core" and what is "dogma". That's what happens at sites like SIN as well. One group in this odd Satanic subculture, won't agree with another. The LaVeyans will always sneer at the ONA. The ONA will always feel it's way is better due to the "doing" aspect. The Postmodern Satanists will feel their stuff is superior. The "Self Styled" will proclaim everyone else sheep. The Theists will..... well.... LOL (Just one intelligent Theist would make me happy. Just to interact with one!). Why? The same reason Christians infight. The same reasons Muslims beef with each other. Each "sect" will have an absoluteness attached to their belief system. That's human nature.

Now to use an analogy, If I was a Baptist would I care that a Catholic felt I was flawed in my perspective? No, I would feel my denomination was ABSOLUTELY right. Would me and a Catholic have a few beliefs in common? Yeah, that would be "core Christianity" for lack of a better term.

So, these endless back and forths do serve a purpose beyond testing of ideas. It REFINES the "core" of Satanism. Makes it better defined. All of these sites are like constantly evolving, TSB's. If I participate I get to help write a chapter, help define that core, make the picture a little clearer than it was before. Can the "infighting" be childish, cruel, or seem unnecessary at times? Yeah, but it is needed, it is necessary to get Satanism to EVOLVE, to move forward in some sense.

Satanism needs to in a very base, core way demonstrate the raw, visceral, bloody way that is LIFE itself. It needs to reflect REALITY. If you don't like the conflict, DON'T PARTICIPATE. Turn off your computer and *gasps* walk away. These sites don't need to change, grow softer in order to save an individual's feelings. They WORK and WORK well for a reason.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Shrinkage?!?!?!?

I just found out another woman I respect and admire has dropped the label Satanist. *sighs* I am always a happy for someone when I notice growth, notice a visible evolution in their thought process. To me it's proof they are doing the work, actually walking the walk so to speak. I always want to congragulate them for moving forward, moving to something new, striking their own path.

Then there's the OTHER part of me, the selfish part. It screams NO!!!!!, NOT AGAIN!!!! Come back. It's worse when it's a woman I respect and admire. This part of me feels a little sad, a little more alone when someone moves on.

Since I have started this journey I have come in direct contact with about ten women that fit the bill, that I resonated with. Out of 10 hmmmm..... let's see....... 1 is now a Chaoist, 1 is now a Philosophical Atheist, 1 has Luciferian leanings, 1 is making an offline transition, 1 is active at another network than I am, and 4 have just disappeared. Kinda depressing to be honest.

I have never once thought of changing my praxis. It doesn't even cross my mind, to me it's a "choiceless act", nothing else fits and I've looked around at a lot of different things. It FEELS right. I may change "associations", gain new influences, find a new author to admire, but it stays Satanism. Even when it's lonely, even when I have faced one of my biggest demons and feel my sanity breaking, it stays the same.

So this is me a little disheartened, a little sad at another Sinister Sister being silenced. I guess the Sinister Feminine wants it's walking representatives, silent, lurking in the shadows.

Thursday, August 18, 2011




This made me laugh hysterically. Oh and Iggy is in it. WIN!!

External Influences

How much of what I think, I believe, I do, is from my "core self" and how much of it is from external influences? How much personal fufillment am I deriving from these external influences? How much is the opinion of my critics, my peers affecting me? Do I really care what others think? What am I really doing when I post on the internet?   These are the questions that prompted my dissapearance.
 
  My own personal progress on the LHP, has always reminded me of the Tortiose and the Hare story. I'm the hare. I hit the LHP at a break neck speed running as fast as I can. Except I get tired or distracted, and stop progressing for time periods. Then I'm off again until the next distraction catches my attention. Rather than a slow and steady pace, my progress happens in a FAST/STOP manner. I want to change that about myself, come to a point where I make slow and steady progress on the path I am on. No distractions, keep my eye on the "end goal."  
 
  Beyond all that, publishing my own personal victories all the time feels to much like bragging or a way to derive  personal fufillment from external influences. That was never my intention. My intention was to walk the path, and publish my journey in order to inspire someone else to. Deriving a sense of personal accomplishment from the positive feedback was an intoxicating  side effect of that. One that caused me to get distracted, get stuck yet again.   Then there's the "masses" I deal with. Who's worthless opinions at times made me doubt myself, my journey. Made me question decisions made of resonance, of intuition. Why? I cared. I really did. I may of been talking the talk, but I was not walking the walk. I was deriving  a sense of personal fufillment from others, from being "popular."  
 
   So the question came down to SELF, to just ME. What I resonate with is apparent. My beliefs, my journey has  simply hardened, crystalized into a paradigm of resonance and intuition. At the end of the day what matters is how I live my life, what I do. The rest is meaningless casual abstractions, casting doubt on what I already know.

Adversaries

*loosely inspired by a handle used on SIN
Adversary1: I am an Adversary so I listen to black metal.
 
Adversary2: I am an Adversary so I shaved my head and grew a goatee.
 
Adversary3: I am an Adversary so I flipped off my parents.
 
Adversary4: I am an Adversary so I wear all black.
 
Adversary5: I am an Adversary so I am a slut.
 
Adversary6: I am an Adversary so I follow LaVey.
 
 Adversary7: I am an Adversary so I hate grammar and spelling.
 
Adversary8: Quick question Adversaries, what do you oppose, what are being Adversarial to? What are you fighting against?
 
Adversary1: Stuff.
 
Adversary2: Hair.
 
Adversary3: You're judgmental 8.
 
Adversary4: Color.
 
Adversary5: I'll sleep with you, quit asking questions.
 
Adversary6: You, asshole.
 
Adversary 7: I don't know.
 
Adversary8: That's what I thought, you oppose nothing.

My Thoughts on Satan

I have firmly touted the idea that Satan is an archetype in the past. That my goal was to become a Female version of that archetype. I have fallen in love with the beauty of Gods like Babalon, Ishtar, Inanna, Tiamat, Isis, Kali Ma, etc. Any female Goddess I could find to put that beautiful, but dark label on. Forging a path I felt was unique and timeless, excitedly delving into mythological accounts, in an attempt to understand the Female Archetype of Satan. I found what I was looking for, and it was beyond anything I ever thought, and the ultimate realization was simple, I was wrong.
 
While there are mythological Gods and Goddesses that are representations of Satan, they are fun house mirrors. Each Goddess I have explored catches one aspect, one facet. None of them are the absolute Satan. They are twisted, partial reflections of what I intuitively feel Satan as a concept is. I have never found one that is an exact replica of me, or what I feel intuitively when I think of what Satan and Satanism represents. Never have. I have searched, looked, pondered, and debated this idea endlessly. I have read book after book, hoping somebody somewhere, would give me a hint. Then it hit me. There is the physical universe. It has very specific constructs. I live in it, everyone does. Beyond that, is ideas. Constantly bouncing off of each other, mutating, growing, changing, building on each other. Being interpreted by humans, evolved, blasted, made over, etc. Everything started as an idea. Ideas create more ideas, etc. So, what is Satan? hell what is everything I touch, smell, taste and see? An idea, brought into the physical by someone. Rather it's a computer, or an apple (ie, the apple got it's name, from the idea it represents).
 
Satan, is to me personally, just that an idea, a concept. A "Master Idea", that embodies about half of the ideas I encounter. Anything ugly, profane, unseen, feared, rejected, etc. Mr. Dread would use the word antimonian and it applies. So does heterodox. I define Satan roughly as, That which is rejected or unaccepted by society. By default, Satan is also that which opposes Society and it's constricts. A large concept, and a difficult one to explain. Somehow, I just know it. I just don't have the vocabulary to explain it in it's totality, I don't think it exists, in any language. It is something that has always been there, a dark veil over my whole life, whispering, "You're part of the darkness, admit. Embrace it and see what you truly are, what you will become."

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Birds in the Parking Lot

I walked to the store this morning and there were hundreds of birds in the parking lot. I had a bit of an A-HA moment at that sight.

No matter how much of the World is paved, no matter how many concrete cities are built, Nature will never be subjugated, never outdone. Humans beings are dependent on Nature not the other way around.

I have come to the conclusion that Wetern society's lost sight of nature and our natural environment. The comfort of modern life has created a softness, a blindness within the culture I was raised in. Most Westerners run from a climate controlled home, to a climate controlled car, to a climate controlled building. They don't come into contact with the natural world anymore, and in a lot of cases, forget it exists. There's a wisdom, an intuitive understanding of an individual's surroundings that gets lost in the shuffle most of the time.

I can understand the reasons the Earth was worshipped historically. The beauty, the raw power, the completely dependent relationship all beings have with this "thing", this it that is everywhere and ultimately inescapable. I feel this thing called nature, is the closest I will ever get to "God", or a "spiritual experience." It's all I have, and that is enough for me personally.