Mental Scars

There is always a reason someone, especially a Satanist has hit a major stumbling block. Most of the time for me, these stumbling blocks are a base personality characteristic, that is manifesting in an aborted manner. This is compounded with a refusal to reason. Every damn time. I do it, I will refuse, absolutely refuse in the most absolute way to look at my own behavior. To accept what I already know, if I wasn't turning a blind eye and refusing to change.

I will justify it. To the point of it being downright laughable. Like a two year old and throw a fit if necessary to make it stop. I will hate anybody who touches that soft spot. I will view them as the enemy. Why? Self examination is painful.

This is nothing like "breaking chains" (which is the common way, this has been described). Nothing at all. Breaking chains makes all of us sound like the Hulk using all of his strength and a ROAR!!!!, to get out of a jam.

No, it's like finding a small cyst in your leg, that aches a bit. So, you take out a rusty, slightly dull pocket knife and cut the son of a bitch out yourself. It's painful, there's bleeding. You may even want to stop due to the extreme nature of the pain. However, you keep going. Dealing with the blood, the pain, in order to remove this fucking cyst. This thing that just ached a bit. Then you sew it up, with a needle and thread. There is always a scar, They are visible to anyone who has done the same thing themselves.

These mental cysts are really cancerous. They cloud your mind and make you view the world in a distorted light. They will kill you, you are the walking dead until they are removed. More importantly, you can infect others, if you're not careful. It HAS to be done. Every damn time, to hell with any potential sickness, pain or consequences entailed. It's WORTH it.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to a refusal to use reasoning. That simple and due to the nature of the human mind, that complicated and painful.

Fighting Back Part2

Okay this blog has nothing and everything to do with Satanism and EVERYTHING to do with Satanism. I wrote a blog a couple weeks ago about why I have gotten into good physical shape. This is the second part and about the physical fitness course I signed up for. I will publish the exact physical training exercises in a part three blog. I wanted to touch on well, how much I suck and how I have a LONG way to go, before I am where I want to be.

So, the first day I get to the training site. It is a field with a small gym on it. Cool. Looks like fun, I am excited. Then I got my physical. I barely made it through the damn thing, and found out that if I was entering the military, I would meet the requirements for entry, but by the skin of my teeth. I weigh 109 lbs. which is a personal victory (I never weigh myself). I was told to quit smoking (that sucks, btw, day three and a headache), cut down coffee to one cup a day (I drank about three cups), no beer, no soda, no junk food, and to add more protein (I'm almost Vegetarian), more fruits and vegetables, etc. So, no more of the stuff I love. Not at the moment. I need to build muscle mass. So, an overhaul of my diet is required yet again.

Second Day: Now, the training starts. Now, I am over the moon that most other people that signed up are FAT. I get to laugh my ass off at them, knowing that I am there to build muscle mass and get in better shape, while they are there to lose weight. Wahoo!!! I am the queen. Nope, not even close.

Halfway through a ten mile run I had a heat stroke. The first one to fall, is what the trainer says. I am barfing, shaking, breaking into a cold sweat, crying hysterically, and my trainer is yelling, "First one down!!!!" Which causes everyone to stop and laugh. I have to wear a ribbon that says, "First down" everytime I go. Nice. I am paying to get made fun of at this point. I am going to a place to get told I am the weakest.

Third day: I wake up and every fucking part of my body hurts. I start crying in bed (it's 3 am, have to be at Hell at 4 am), from the pain. My right knee, which I injured in Highschool and have a degeneration of cartlidge in is three times it's normal size. Back to wearing a knee brace for this shit. I have to go, even though I don't want to, I have to fight past the pain and utter since of failure.
Get to the training site and it's popquiz time. First down (which is my official nick name, btw) has been selected to run through the initial physical fitness test again. I failed. I failed big time. The trainer tells me they randomly, have you redo the physical fitness test to show you that you were "fresh" the first time so did better. He calls it a reality check.

Fourth Day: Random laugh worthy shit. I am in my car and I am wearing flip flops trying to get the courage to pop all the blisters on my feet. I hate doing that, but they will pop while I'm running or now. Nine of them, fucking nine blisters. I pop all of them one by one. Then I do the normal thing, neosporin and a band aid. Put my foot on the ground and step on a bee. Get stung.

I'm in the middle of the P.T. portion later on. We're doing this suck fest of a set. Ten jumping jacks, then to the ground ten pushups, roll over ten situps (do this 5 sets, standard shit). A fucking bee climbs in my pants and stings me on the ass. Seriously.

Get home and am walking outside (random personal fact, I don't wear shoes at home, ever) and step on another bee. That is three bee stings in one day. LOL. Since it was the same foot both times, it is was swollen to twice it's normal size for 24 hours.

Fifth Day: Today, I get to the place and realize where there were 40 people, only 15 came today. I ask the trainer and he says, "First down, that's normal. Out of the 40 you started with, maybe 5 will finish the course. It's why the money is due up front and is nonrefundable." So, I am at least so far, surviving the course.

Now, while I was on the ten mile run, I had this moment. This incredible, and hard to describe moment. I suddenly could only hear my breath and my heart beating. All chatter was gone. I could hear the birds chirping, all the colors around me were brighter, and for a few moments, I felt free. No thoughts, nothing. Just me, my body, the sun and this clarity. A few moments of really being in the moment. I felt more alive then, than I have most times in my life. I've had that happen before while working out, but not like this. It was bigger, and more powerful than anything else. I have the Will to finish this. It's worth it, for that moment. That moment was reality, it's the only way I can explain it. Total and complete clarity.

The Color Red (an odd analogy). ;)

The idea of Subjective Reality always reminds me of a teacher I used to have. She held up an apple one day in class and said, "What color is this apple?" Answer: "Red." She said, "Did you know that no two people see color the same way?. Each person interprets the color red slightly differently upon sight. The eyes of each individual see in a unique way. Different cultures use different words to say red. Is the apple red? Yes, but what red means to you is not what it means to me. However the apple is definitively red, it's not green." That always stuck out for me. My red is not anybody else's, but it is still red.

I used to think what does red look like to other people? How different was it as a color to my mom, or my sister? Is there a way I can see the way they see red? Could I ask them about it and get an answer that would explain what red is to them (answer no, btw). How do I know my red is even really red? Maybe it's everybody else's purple. This idea obsessed me for a long time. How do I know my interpretation of ANYTHING is right? Maybe all of my versions of colors are wrong. Is everything like this? My eyes see differently than everybody else's. So, everything is different for me than it is for somebody else, etc, etc, etc.

However it's still red, no matter who is interpreting the color through their eyes, meaning if I ask you what color is that? The answer should be red. Each individual is seeing the same thing, it's just colored by individual interpretation. ;)

My Satanism Bleeds.....

It started as an intellectual exercise. I loved to debate is it a philosophy or a religion? Is online manifestation real or not real? What school of thought do I subscribe to? Etc, etc, etc, and on and on and on and on. Lately, it's changing, it's becoming more than a philosophy, more than a religion, more than a lifestyle.

It started small. A difference in the way I talked to my kids. An irritation at somebody who spends all of their time justifying and making excuses. A lack of understanding at why people bow to a Master. A small spark of hatred when I drove past a church. A thought that everyone is a zombie at the grocery store. A hatred of "big business" and "big fashion." Just passing thoughts and little changes. A tinkering here and there.

Then, it grew, it bled into more than just the way I thought and started affecting what I do. A complete overhaul at times of my life and my actions. It is constant. I have a hunger and desire to learn. A hunger and a desire to obtain more than my parents did. A hunger and a desire to improve myself in every possible aspect. A hunger and a desire to become my true self, and not be another shill to the system. A willingness to act, to do whatever it takes to take the next step, raise myself to the next plateau. And then the next plateau and the next one, never ending, always being better, always improving.

I don't know what my Satanism is anymore. I can't give you a word, a category to put it in. It's not something I think about as much and when I do intellectualize it, I realize I am remembering what I always knew. Becoming who I always was. Not a philosophy, not a religion, not a lifestyle, but me. Just a word, or a few words, that say exactly who I am. Who I will become, as I continue to progress. My Satanism bleeds and colors all of my actions, my hopes, my thoughts, my desires, and my very will. My Satanism bleeds. Does yours?

Adversaries......

*loosely inspired by a handle used on SIN

Adversary1: I am an Adversary so I listen to black metal.

Adversary2: I am an Adversary so I shaved my head and grew a goatee.

Adversary3: I am an Adversary so I flipped off my parents.

Adversary4: I am an Adversary so I wear all black.

Adversary5: I am an Adversary so I am a slut.

Adversary6: I am an Adversary so I follow LaVey.

Adversary7: I am an Adversary so I hate grammar and spelling.

Adversary8: Quick question Adversaries, what do you oppose, what are being Adversarial to? What are you fighting against?

Adversary1: Stuff.

Adversary2: Hair.

Adversary3: You're judgmental 8.

Adversary4: Color.

Adversary5: I'll sleep with you, quit asking questions.

Adversary6: You, asshole.

Adversary 7: I don't know.

Adversary8: That's what I thought, you oppose nothing.

Zero Tolerance Policy and an Example of a Broken System

got a real World example of what is wrong and why the system needs to be fought against yesterday. I was standing on my porch and I was shooting off bottle rockets. The kids are laughing, it's a golden moment. I am breathing in my emotional surge of happy, when I see a police officer standing in front of me. I say, "yes?" He says, "It is a violation of a city ordinance to shoot off fireworks in the city limits." I say, "Really?" I genuinely didn't KNOW that. He says, "Yeah I'm giving you a warning." Tells me where the local display is, etc. he leaves.

My husband says, "Nanny state much?", when I tell him about it. We're laughing when we see the cop has come back again. The cop says, "My boss just informed me there is a ZERO TOLERANCE policy on shooting off fireworks in the city limits. I have to issue a citation. Can I see your ID?" I say, "I'll go get it." My husband, "No just use mine." The officer says, "No, I have to see her ID, she was the one who was caught in the act of violating a city ordinance."

I go get my ID and hand it to the cop. He's filling out the form and I'm trying not to laugh. My husband is playing a game I taught him called How far can you go?. What that means is when you are in front of an Authority figure, you talk shit under your breath to see how far you can go, before getting warned. My favorite was, "Of course it's an $80 fine. We've gotta get that new library built somehow." The cop leaves and I have my court date, and citation in hand. I go inside because I'm pissed off.

This IS the problem nobody wants to face. Don't cops have better things to do than bust women in the suburbs firing off fireworks? Zero tolerance policy? What the fuck? I'm thinking about all of this the rest of the night. Put the kids to bed and the sun goes down. I'm sitting on the porch and I start to hear it. Little pops everywhere. All over the neighborhood. I guess nobody else knows it's a "violation of a city ordinance. This solidifies the "everyone's a criminal idea" I have had for a while.

I shot my fireworks off as well. Even though the theoretical risk was another fine. Even though a "zero tolerance policy" was in place. I had to fight back before that idea burrowed into my brain. That I must submit to the City. Fuck that shit. It would have been impossible for the cops to bust everybody that was doing it. The actual chances of me being caught again were low (even though they were going to watch me according to the cop from earlier). An incident from a few years ago (an idiot blew their hand off), is not going to stop me from doing what I want.

The risk attached to this retarded ass, subversion I committed was worth it. On a day that symbolically represents independence, freedom, and a handful of men that fought back and defeated a Government, I am getting smacked in the face with the reality of the system and what was really being celebrated. The death of independence in favor of protection. A system that feeds on humanity, teaches them to eschew all personal responsibility, and one I personally detest.

Doing something to help defeat what the system represents is necessary. That comes in many different forms. My personal affiliation will always be with the people that see the same problems, and are actively engaging in ways to stop it. Anything less, would show a lack of integrity and honor for me personally. It's not about conforming or "drinking the koolaid", it's about who I am and what I want to see come next. I want to be part of the solution, not the problem.

My Thoughts on Satan and Why The Archetype Concept Fails......

I have firmly touted the idea that Satan is an archetype in the past. That my goal was to become a Female version of that archetype. I have fallen in love with the beauty of Gods like Babalon, Ishtar, Inanna, Tiamat, Isis, Kali Ma, etc. Any female Goddess I could find to put that beautiful, but dark label on. Forging a path I felt was unique and timeless, excitedly delving into mythological accounts, in an attempt to understand the Female Archetype of Satan. I found what I was looking for, and it was beyond anything I ever thought, and the ultimate realization was simple, I was wrong.

While there are mythological Gods and Goddesses that are representations of Satan, they are fun house mirrors. Each Goddess I have explored catches one aspect, one facet. None of them are the absolute Satan. They are twisted, partial reflections of what I intuitively feel Satan as a concept is. I have never found one that is an exact replica of me, or what I feel intuitively when I think of what Satan and Satanism represents. Never have. I have searched, looked, pondered, and debated this idea endlessly. I have read book after book, hoping somebody somewhere, would give me a hint.

Then it hit me. There is the physical universe. It has very specific constructs. I live in it, everyone does.

Beyond that, is ideas. Constantly bouncing off of each other, mutating, growing, changing, building on each other. Being interpreted by humans, evolved, blasted, made over, etc. Everything started as an idea. Ideas create more ideas, etc. So, what is Satan? hell what is everything I touch, smell, taste and see? An idea, brought into the physical by someone. Rather it's a computer, or an apple (ie, the apple got it's name, from the idea it represents).

Satan, is to me personally, just that an idea, a concept. A "Master Idea", that embodies about half of the ideas I encounter. Anything ugly, profane, unseen, feared, rejected, etc. Mr. Dread would use the word antimonian and it applies. So does heterodox. I define Satan roughly as, That which is rejected or unaccepted by society. By default, Satan is also that which opposes Society and it's constricts. A large concept, and a difficult one to explain.

Making Satanism a very basic thing. Embracing all of those dirty, ugly, awful, nasty shit rejected by society including but not limited to Racism, Nazism, Sexism, Hate Speech, Crime, etc in order to rid yourself of those Societal ideas that one was infected with from birth. That's the only way to determine what you as an Individual really think, by embracing what has been Demonized and seeing what is 'core' you or not 'core' you. Somehow, I just know it. I just don't have the vocabulary to explain it in it's totality, I don't think it exists, in any language. It is something that has always been there, a dark veil over my whole life, whispering, "You're part of the darkness, admit. Embrace it and see what you truly are, what you will become."