You Don't Know Me

You see shadows, a reflection in a mirror when you gaze in my direction. Shadows on the wall, misdirection. You perceive what I show. Your own psychological projections color every interaction we have ever had and at that moment I become a reflection of you, reflected in your mind's eye.

So often I see people assuming that they know another's motivations, their psychological quirks, that they have figured out the how and whatfors for other people. It's yet another line of bullshit we feed ourselves mentally. Our myopic point of view takes over and it cripples any ability to rise above others, to truly understand the motivations behind another's actions.

I attempt to discern through the bullshit people throw out. I want to understand the motivations behind actions, myself or other people's. I was programmed at birth and throughout my entire childhood and I want to rewrite that programming, figure out if a thought I have, an action I take is motivated by what I have referred to as my 'core self' (which in a twist of irony may not really exist, cut through more layers and all you find is more layers) or if it is that programming.

Other were programmed as well and I am rarely seeing them as they truly are. I am getting glimpses, what they deem worthy to share. I am getting their projections, their mask, their manipulations when they interact with me. I am seeing shadows and rarely glimpsing the real person underneath all that.

I do find that humans at large, even myself, are strictly selfishly motivated creatures, that embody might is right even if they don't realize it or believe it's a valid principle. Most want me to conform to what they find acceptable and when I defy those expectations I get the joy of isolation in return.

Some want to believe their own hype, their own self perpetrated and created lies. They serve them, they let them be the master of their own story, the star of the show. The sun the entire World revolves around, the God of their own little mental universe.

I see people blame others for everything. It's not their fuck up, it's the World not understanding their greatness. The biggest lie of all is that most people tell themselves that they are infallible and if something happens not according to plan, it's the fault of someone else.

This is one I struggled with for years. The idea that I am fallible, that I fuck up, that I am to blame most of the time when the shit hits the fan. I could have acted or reacted differently. Satanism provided me with this epiphany actually, the fact that accountability is what separates me from them in a meaningful way. That I want to own my thoughts, my reactions, my life. That I want it to be my Will that decides what happens next, not the whim of the World at large. See when you have accepted the special snowflake, infallible mindeset others operate under you have given the society at large and others power over you. By throwing the responsibility for things on to other people you have given the power over you. You have become a pawn, a chesspiece to by moved around, never accountable but powerless as well.

Breaking The Idealist

Ah, to be young again. To feel like the whole world will bow at my feet and conform to what I think it should be. To embody the essence of hope, faith and idealism. To know that over time things will change, the inner knowledge that if I do enough the entire world can be made over in the image I want it to be.

It's bullshit I bought into when I was younger, less cynical and beat down by the World and the general suckage that is humanity. A grand set of delusions I carried back then. I was convinced that things were going to way I thought they would due to a set of pretty thoughts I had. I was going to change the World, be something, do something meaningful with my life and have a lasting impact on all of humanity.

It's fed to you in school, the idea that you can do or be anything you want to be. That the circumstances you were born into, the things that pushed you around and shaped you weren't really shaping you. That I was more than everyone else, blah, blah, blah, insert American dream speech here.

That is not the best beginning for this, it's simply me reminding myself of WHY I have made some of the decisions I made, what the folly of youth really was. Youth isn't about age, it's about experience in my opinion.

I do a lot with the non-profit sector and homeless individuals in my community. I started this portion of my journey from an Idealist's perspective. I was going to change things, make a difference, do something extraordinary, have an impact on my community in some lasting way.

Have I accomplished that? Hell no, the only thing I have exposed myself to is a group of individuals that are crazy, on drugs, lazy as fuck, nasty, or bad luck magnets. I have managed to throw myself into a career path where I come home at night and sob at the hopelessness I see on a daily basis.

They come in and out in and out. Off the streets for a few months and right back on them. Off the drugs and using again a few months later. Getting treatment for the mental shit and then disappearing for months on end. Human trash in so many ways and I was a smiling, happy, let me help you face to be used by them, to be treated as some servant and not what I was, a person VOLUNTEERING their time or working for minimum wage to help them.

There's no gratitude. All I get is give me, give me, give me, why is my laundry taking so long, screamed at, or worse. The other people that are doing what I am doing have worse attitudes than they do. They are constantly being shitty to each other and our 'clients' as well.

TMI right? Well, it's there for a reason. People build up and glamorize things they haven't experienced. We decide that we understand something based on no experience and walk around full of these ideas of what it is, without having lived it. The homeless are victims, the poor need help, violence and murder are cool, I would totally kill every zombie I saw bullshit that exists in every individuals head.

Idealism runs rampant in the Western mind. The reality of certain things will break you.