Saturday, April 25, 2015

Agent of Chaos

You ever get the feeling as soon as your life is going well that it's time to derail the bitch?

I do all the damn time. I'm happy, something is wrong. I have structure and balance in my life? Fuck that, it's chaos time.

Do the drugs. Fuck the random guy, no wait, fuck your boss. Have the drink and another. Start the fight for no reason.

A pattern develops. One that is self destructive, one that shows I am broken somehow. I get restless, bored, ready to pursue some new challenge. The status quo, even if self created, has to constantly turn over, constantly be in a state of flux. Otherwise, I am not really satisfied.

I am an agent of chaos.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Bitch Please...

Take that tired ass dramatic bullshit elsewhere. I am to old and far to busy to participate in some pissing contest over a man. You want him? Go ahead and try.

I know you are younger, stronger, faster and far more available. I know you had him but here's the thing YOU lost him. I know all of the dirty laundry that exists between you two and if he wants that he can have it.

I wonder where you were when I wasn't in the picture. I don't think the reason you pulled the bullshit you did is about him. It's about me and your dislike of me. You view me as white trash wait I believe the phrase you used was 'low class whore.'

Lol, you do realize me and him come from the same neighborhood and the socio-economic status right? I dated him in high school, hell I will go as far as to say he wouldn't be where he is today without me helping him pass his sophmore year. That's right, I was the one that talked him into taking school seriously, not you.

And he is one of mine, he is part of my tribe and it doesn't matter if we last or not. I will ALWAYS have his back even if it is as 'just' a friend. I will ALWAYS be there for his kids.

So as I said, try the shit you got planned. I won't lose him even if I lose the perceived pissing contest you decided we are in. I had to much of an influence on him twenty years ago to become a memory or someone he used to know. Some relationships go beyond what happens right now.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Trust Much?

Life is strange, you can know people and never really know them. They can stand in front of you and communicate nothing to you.

Hell, I am an expert at this. I rarely volunteer personal information to anyone. The internet knows more about my internal dialogue than most people I know irl. I am not going to say it's because most people are to stuck in their head to ask.

It's me. I am (at best) odd and have been since I was a small child. I can remember being six and I just decided that all of reality, everything I saw was part of a movie. I was terrified, shit terrified that at any moment the director would yell cut and I would find out the truth. I carried this around, never told anybody about it, until now.

You may get a little glimpse here and there but I edit myself. I make sure that what I am saying matches you in some way and betrays nothing about me. Nothing embarrassing or overly revealing will ever pass my lips.

People use the term "in the closet" A LOT. Why? Large portions of my life live in the dark. My sex life, my fantasies, my fears, my worst memories, all sit in the dark. I like that there are parts of me nobody will ever know, I don't want anyone to.

I recently had a discussion with a slave (M/s, look it up. I can't be assed)  and she kept talking about how important full transparency was in her relationship. This guy knows when she shits, every bite of food she eats, fucking EVERYTHING. It was like talking to an alien, something from a distant planet telling me why their way is better.

She seemed happy, content, and madly in love. The kind of love that makes the back of my throat hurt and my eyes stingy. I am this closed off, neurotic mess, who is always looking for the knife to pass between my ribs.
In that conversation I GOT IT, I saw it in front of my own eyes. That's love, that's the thing everyone is supposed to want. That one person you will allow to crawl in your mind and see everything.

I have issues with this realization. The first being this means I have loved once in my life and he hurt me over and over again. He used the private, personal shit against me.

The second realization was I don't think I can do it. There are some great guys out there (I am seeing one now) but I don't feel like I can tell him everything, I have a hard time telling him I am sick or tired.

The third realization: This is a big line for me. It's funny, society has fed me so much and the amount of deprogramming I have done and continue to do is massive. This wasn't given to me by society though, it's a defense mechanism built up by a lifetime of being shit on by people.

It colors every personal relationship I have. I'm there but in body only. I keep my mind to myself. I walk around disconnected. Touching but not feeling, talking but saying nothing, caring but not loving.

I learned to only trust and rely on myself at the expense of a having a single human connection.

That's the essence of this line I found: trust. I don't have any left.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Nostalgic Rambling

The moment, the exact moment you are sitting in right now. That thing is beautiful as fuck. In an era of instant gratification and instant satisfaction mixed with constant distraction we are all told to stay connected. Check the phone, see what's on FB, tweet something, upload some pics, do, do, do, go, go, go.

Don't you want to stop? I do and I basically have (turns out I like to write be prepared for me on my blog than ever before bwhahahaha).

I have recently been reminded of my teenage years, about twenty years ago to be precise. The internet existed but it wasn't a common part of everyone's lives. I can remember walking around and just talking, no distraction in my hand, just the beautiful moment. Seeing the graffiti and laughing that a motherfucker couldn't spell. Making out in a car to the radio to music that wasn't my insta-favorite and loving hearing something new, something different, something that I never would of heard otherwise.

Backroads and twisting lanes, the smell of someone's breath on my neck because I was the most interesting, the most captivating thing in the world. Nothing compares to that time period, partially because of my big, huge nostalgia glasses but also because I fell in love with a boy who kissed me at a school dance and a passed me a note asking me out. A boy I couldn't recall until about a week ago. Nothing compares to that time period because of who I was. A headstrong independent girl who had her entire life mapped out as carefully as possible and a plan to make every single thing on that list happen.

I guess I was distracted, interested in being everywhere, being connected, not really feeling something, really experiencing something. I forgot a memory that I think I need to hold close to my heart for the rest of my life because of who I am now and remembering who I was will help me solidify who I am becoming. There was a girl in this body once, not jaded or cynical, but in love with life, in love with love and pretty fucking in love with herself.

Not someone who constantly thought, 'It's not good enough.' I do it about everything. The way I look, the way I act, I worry if I am Satanic enough, progressive enough, intelligent enough, loving enough, distant enough. I am allowing some part of my head that grew there a long goddamn time ago to continuously condemn me. To say, 'you are a real fucking cunt, a loser. 35 years old and you STILL aren't a grown up.'

I wanted a life on my own terms and I have it. Can I actually allow myself some joy or pride in that? That I have actually walked the walk and accomplished some shit? Nope, that would mean getting satisfied, not constantly fighting myself, my own laziness and loneliness to have some ephemeral 'more' I have in my head. For me it's not a financial more, it's freedom. I want to be 'more free' than I was before.

At this moment I realize there was a time when I was more free, it was just so long ago I have to squint to see it.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Oh For Fucks Sake, Really?

Warning: slightly hypocritical rant incoming.

I keep seeing the same thing over and over again and I am sick to death of it at this moment. I feel disgusted to be associated (even loosely) with you group of clowns. Over and over again it's Anton LaVey said, Anton LaVey thought, the CoS says blah, blah, blah.

Why the fuck does it matter what any other motherfucker in all of history said about something? How does that summarize the should and should nots of Satanism? Isn't the whole fucking point to develop a world view based on Patheo Mathos? Did I miss the memo where people stopped talking about their opinions and their perspective and started basing every goddamn thought they have on what someone said something is or isn't?

I don't see people evolving or changing, I don't see people's perspectives becoming refined through encountering their own boundaries and surpassing them. I don't see individuals becoming something different. I see parrots, I see puppets and I see the constant and continuous ghost of Satanism past being used as a reasoning for Satanism to be something akin to dressing like an idiot, grouping and having a big ole' collective group think jerk off, and individualism.

Please, please stop the shit already. I want to read what you think about something, maybe a personal anecdote thrown in for good measure. That's about it. I don't want agreement with my perspective, you ain't me, you ain't walked my path and you don't know why I believe the things I believe and what I have done to develop that particular perspective. I don't want to see you jump on some intellectual high horse and tell me that you are better while using all the five dollar words you can.

I just want to see who you are, no fronting, no games, no hiding behind LaVey to back your shit up via proxy. I am tired of seeing solipsism become the new name of the internet game. Just hide behind a buncha people that agree with you and you're suddenly in the right. False idols being propped up by the new black sheeple is the new landscape. I saw a motherfucker QUOTE Thomas Leroy the other day.

The best part I know I am destined to lose when it comes to any long term impact. Any meaningful interpretation of Satanism that exists at this fucking moment will be buried in this new environment. There are more of 'them' then there are of 'us.' Satanism will become vacuous (to late?!?!?) and all that actually presences the darkness will be lost.

It's cool though, hell the best part of Satanism (as I see it anyway) is that it's built for this shit because of its centrally selfish essence. If I learn something it succeeded.

Oh and fuck that fucking statue, seriously.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Let's Talk About It...

So, some shit went down recently. Let's avoid the vague bullshit and get to the meat of it. A bunch of LD's pms were leaked in an email. This was followed by screenshots of SIN being hacked, which is why it's now offline. LD and Cz had some flirty conversation about how huge his dick is (which means it isn't), LD has now run far, far away because facing some heat would be to much for him. There that was easy, wasn't it? Like a motherfucking band-aid being pulled off, it didn't hurt nearly as much as you thought it would.

My speculation on who did all this is as follows: It's obvious. It's not your general devil of the internet. It's the motherfucker who has his name on every goddamn pm that was leaked. Read them, this guy is trying to play every motherfucker he is corresponding with in them. The fact that he disappeared right when the pms and hack to SIN happened makes him look more guilty. Maybe he's just a pussy, but I doubt it. If it isn't him, he's become the target of some group out there, which is hilarious because if he didn't pull off this masterpiece, he's a toothless shark. How is he worth fucking with?

As for SIN, so some asshole likes to set fire to corpses? Worth a lol but not much else. Looking over there before this happened was like watching the retard circus.

When you are on the internet, you are in a place where what seems private isn't. A secret is only as good as you keeping your motherfucking mouth shut. Those friends are not really your friends, in fact they are looking for a weak spot, an exploit they can take advantage of. Every moment vultures are circling. Rising to the top just makes people eye your throne.

Which is why I don't share a motherfucking thing I wouldn't want made public. I made that mistake very early on in my time online and it not only busted my give a damn, it made me realize that the second I have connected with someone, especially in an online environment, I have lost. Just don't say shit you don't want other people to hear and suddenly, magically, your online existence becomes waaaaaayyyyyy easier. Shit like this happens and you don't run and hide, you just shrug and move on.

This applies to life as well. If you are just fucking honest and not two faced you'll be fine. I would rather be an honest enemy to someone and have an honest enemy, than the alternative. If I have a secret, I tell NOBODY. I go to the grave with that shit. It's that simple.

I do enjoy manipulating other people, but that makes them targets not someone to be taken seriously. If it comes out that I was talking shit behind their back, I don't really care. That was the point, to manipulate their ass, to be fake. Online you get screenshots and all of this other bullshit.

What happened recently is fun as hell for a drama queen like me, but have some perspective. Like any train wreck, the glory is in the wreckage, not the fact that it happened in the first place. It's just another example of humanity doing what it does.

As for SIN, maybe #nothingtosee was a promise.

Friday, May 23, 2014

One Has To Wonder.....

If one does some form of art, where the line is. As you gather each piece like a magpie, you make something new, but not something that is truly yours. It contains pieces of others, pieces of things that have inspired you. By living in a World where plagiarism is considering something damning to do, lines are created by our society that don't really exist. One gets a glimpse at yet another form of morality at play, another rule most people follow.

We stare in horror if someone doesn't switch around what they have used to create their art enough. Words are used like inspired by as an effort to make what one makes their own. It's yet another way the great lie of originality and individuality is perpetrated by our psyches. It's yet another way each of us makes ourselves more special than we really are.

If no individual can own an idea, if these things belong to ALL of us, art becomes about what the person viewing it and interpreting it sees and not what the artist did. The artist becomes a cipher, a vessel something bigger than them is transmitted through.