Trust Much?

Life is strange, you can know people and never really know them. They can stand in front of you and communicate nothing to you.

Hell, I am an expert at this. I rarely volunteer personal information to anyone. The internet knows more about my internal dialogue than most people I know irl. I am not going to say it's because most people are to stuck in their head to ask.

It's me. I am (at best) odd and have been since I was a small child. I can remember being six and I just decided that all of reality, everything I saw was part of a movie. I was terrified, shit terrified that at any moment the director would yell cut and I would find out the truth. I carried this around, never told anybody about it, until now.

You may get a little glimpse here and there but I edit myself. I make sure that what I am saying matches you in some way and betrays nothing about me. Nothing embarrassing or overly revealing will ever pass my lips.

People use the term "in the closet" A LOT. Why? Large portions of my life live in the dark. My sex life, my fantasies, my fears, my worst memories, all sit in the dark. I like that there are parts of me nobody will ever know, I don't want anyone to.

I recently had a discussion with a slave (M/s, look it up. I can't be assed)  and she kept talking about how important full transparency was in her relationship. This guy knows when she shits, every bite of food she eats, fucking EVERYTHING. It was like talking to an alien, something from a distant planet telling me why their way is better.

She seemed happy, content, and madly in love. The kind of love that makes the back of my throat hurt and my eyes stingy. I am this closed off, neurotic mess, who is always looking for the knife to pass between my ribs.
In that conversation I GOT IT, I saw it in front of my own eyes. That's love, that's the thing everyone is supposed to want. That one person you will allow to crawl in your mind and see everything.

I have issues with this realization. The first being this means I have loved once in my life and he hurt me over and over again. He used the private, personal shit against me.

The second realization was I don't think I can do it. There are some great guys out there (I am seeing one now) but I don't feel like I can tell him everything, I have a hard time telling him I am sick or tired.

The third realization: This is a big line for me. It's funny, society has fed me so much and the amount of deprogramming I have done and continue to do is massive. This wasn't given to me by society though, it's a defense mechanism built up by a lifetime of being shit on by people.

It colors every personal relationship I have. I'm there but in body only. I keep my mind to myself. I walk around disconnected. Touching but not feeling, talking but saying nothing, caring but not loving.

I learned to only trust and rely on myself at the expense of a having a single human connection.

That's the essence of this line I found: trust. I don't have any left.

Oh For Fucks Sake, Really?

Warning: slightly hypocritical rant incoming.

I keep seeing the same thing over and over again and I am sick to death of it at this moment. I feel disgusted to be associated (even loosely) with you group of clowns. Over and over again it's Anton LaVey said, Anton LaVey thought, the CoS says blah, blah, blah.

Why the fuck does it matter what any other motherfucker in all of history said about something? How does that summarize the should and should nots of Satanism? Isn't the whole fucking point to develop a world view based on Patheo Mathos? Did I miss the memo where people stopped talking about their opinions and their perspective and started basing every goddamn thought they have on what someone said something is or isn't?

I don't see people evolving or changing, I don't see people's perspectives becoming refined through encountering their own boundaries and surpassing them. I don't see individuals becoming something different. I see parrots, I see puppets and I see the constant and continuous ghost of Satanism past being used as a reasoning for Satanism to be something akin to dressing like an idiot, grouping and having a big ole' collective group think jerk off, and individualism.

Please, please stop the shit already. I want to read what you think about something, maybe a personal anecdote thrown in for good measure. That's about it. I don't want agreement with my perspective, you ain't me, you ain't walked my path and you don't know why I believe the things I believe and what I have done to develop that particular perspective. I don't want to see you jump on some intellectual high horse and tell me that you are better while using all the five dollar words you can.

I just want to see who you are, no fronting, no games, no hiding behind LaVey to back your shit up via proxy. I am tired of seeing solipsism become the new name of the internet game. Just hide behind a buncha people that agree with you and you're suddenly in the right. False idols being propped up by the new black sheeple is the new landscape. I saw a motherfucker QUOTE Thomas Leroy the other day.

The best part I know I am destined to lose when it comes to any long term impact. Any meaningful interpretation of Satanism that exists at this fucking moment will be buried in this new environment. There are more of 'them' then there are of 'us.' Satanism will become vacuous (to late?!?!?) and all that actually presences the darkness will be lost.

It's cool though, hell the best part of Satanism (as I see it anyway) is that it's built for this shit because of its centrally selfish essence. If I learn something it succeeded.

Oh and fuck that fucking statue, seriously.

You Know Who You Are

Well aren't we all entitled special little snowflakes? Full of self important ideas, masters of our own little universes, believing every little fucking episodes of our lives are worthy of discussion and display.

It's bullshit, it's bullshit when it comes from me and it's bullshit when it comes from you. You don't matter, you will probably make NO impact in your life. You are not one of the big influences, you are a speck, a bit of meaningless dust blowing away when your very small life is over. Even if you change minds how much of an effect do you really think that will have? Beyond becoming a big fish in an ever increasing pond of mediocrity, you are unforgettable, a character whose name will be impossible to recall when you finally shut the fuck up and sit down.

You want to fight the system? Bitch you are the system. The big fucking trick and secret is that the thing you are supposed to be getting free from, is in your own goddamn mind. YOU are the enemy, not some faceless thing 'out there' that needs to be countered. It's when you assume and don't know. It's when you think something is truth when you haven't experienced it. It's that you subscribe to society's mores even if you have simply inverted them.

That's the ultimate mindfuck, is the realization that the very thing that pisses you off is you. You stand there being the great outcast, the Adversary against all that is magian while still subscribing to it. With your pathetic infighting of what is and isn't troo blue through and through Satanism. Your dismissal of others accomplishments which may not mean shit to you or may not even seem that fucking Sinister but are to that individual.

Your herd conformity shows when you start spouting off the latest fucking buzzwords like you invented them (see what I did there?). Your herd conformity shows when you start whining because someone actually brought up a subject that is actually antinomian.. You will scream at the top of your lungs your ammoral reasoning for not doing something without seeing you are just spouting a secular version of the same morality.

You do it, I do it, the cunt over there does it. Why? Because actually doing something, anything that takes you out of your comfort zone and confronts the monster that stirs underneath the veneer of society takes actual fucking work. You need a reason to stay on that throne you have created while throwing out your common fucking platitudes while being the center of your own universe.

Just because you are the center of your own universe does NOT make you the center of mine or anybody else's. Just because you type whole strings of semi-coherent thought together doesn't mean that you get what the fuck a few, a select fucking few people are trying to explain on ANY given subject.

Now worries, I do the same shit. Pass judgement from my throne while silently chuckling at how retarded everyone else is. The ONLY difference is I am aware of it. I am aware that my life is meaningless and finding any meaning in what is largely a huge, chaotic, coincidental mess or making some kind of impact is the single most pointless thing I can do.

I do what I have always done, try to live a life where I can say 'you did alright' when I am done. I learned some shit, did some shit, changed the way you think about some shit and had some fun in the process. Everything I do is for me, not for anyone else.

The way I see Satanism (and the reason I am still here on the Satanic interwebz) is because I see it as the only philosophical/religious/praxis thingy that is selfish. It's not about the common good or advancing some cause. It's about ME doing some shit that goes way outside my comfort zone and learning some shit from it. Embracing what I am not, what society refuses to accept or even acknowledge the existence of.

But no please, please continue. There should totally be yet another thread on the internet debating what LaVey meant when he said something.

You Find Out Who Your Friends Are

Friend is a rather vacuous term in today's society isn't it? It doesn't denote someone that is part of your tribe, it denotes someone that you know passingly to most. It's become a bullshit term. A term that is thrown around, used by people to get, get, get, not necessarily give back.

A term that is used to exert control, to force a conformity on you, that quite simply, I can't abide at times. It makes me angry to see this happen and it happens everywhere.

Now, I don't view friendship in terms of when I am doing well. The frank truth is when you are riding high, everyone likes you. When you have, people love the shit outta you.

When I contemplate who my friends are, I think about the other times. The times the shit hit the fan. Who had my back? Who was there for me when I was at my lowest?

That's a short list, a very short list. People that were there not because I had something that they wanted but because I was one of theirs. A resonance that is borne of something deeper than just a friendship. A moment of commonality and companionship that runs deeper than any of the hubris that it defined as friendship by most.

It's something simple and something indescribably deep in places. A knowing, that this person would actually be there for me, they have already been there for me and in return I will be there for me when they fall down and have their bad moment.

Not to gain but because by knowing them I have gained something precious and irreplaceable. I gained a tribe. So I have no choice but to honor that bond, not out of a loss of freewill or a need to conform but because finding that with someone else, anybody else in a World where most people lack the ability to do that on such a fundamental level, is to precious to violate the terms of that silent agreement you made at that moment.

I Just Want To Meet Like Minded Individuals

Fuck me I am tired of hearing this phrase.

Why do you want to meet like minded individuals? Do you really think every goddamn idea in your head is that fucking good? Do you really want to meet a bunch of people who bob their head in agreement every time you have a fucking brain fart and spew it out on the internet?

See, I don't really seek like minded individuals. I seek people that are frustratingly different than me in mindset. I seek people that challenge what I think, that make me question all of those grand fucking ideas I have in my head.

I am wrong and I am wrong a lot. I don't have everything figured out. I don't pretend to have everything figured out. I haven't had every experience, I haven't drank from every cup of knowledge in existence and that leads me to seek out other who may know something that I don't.

Conflict breeds growth. People challenging you breeds growth, especially if you approach it with the right mindset. Some are going to be idiotic fucking tools, but not all of them are. You may even learn something about yourself from the ones that are idiotic fucking tools.

The thing I do seek in a 'like minded individuals' manner, is people that view conflict the way I do.

Now that you've joined this forum and made your trite, bland and heavily recycled intro post saying that you want to meet like minded individuals, what are you going to do when you come across someone who isn't like minded? What are you going to do when someone says one of your oh so brilliant ideas is shit?

Feminism And Satanism

Feminism is defined by Mirriam Webster as the theory of political, economic and social equality of the sexes. There's nothing more to it than that definition. There is a common theme that I see LHPers hit when it comes to Feminism, they bring up the Femi-Nazi and then declare themselves a Non-Feminist. The question a Satanist woman should ask themselves is do women deserve political, economic and social equality? If the answer is yes, congratulations you are a Feminist.

Nowhere in that definition does it say women are superior to men, the same as men (equality is not sameness), or any of the common misconceptions I see when it comes to Feminism. So where does the flannel wearing, man hating feminist come from?

The answer to that is a complex one. Modern Society is based on Maleness, it's a Patriarchy. Due to this being a Patriarchal society, femaleness and what is considered woman has become defined by men, not women. Like anything else, men don't truly understand what it is to be woman, anymore than I understand what it is to be a man. As a result of what is woman being defined by men, the average woman has decided in order to be equal to a man, they have to be exactly like a man.

This is where I call bullshit on the majority of Feminist thought. I have no desire to be a man. I like being a woman, I like the mystery, the intrigue that surrounds women in general. I like things that are considered girly. I am more empathetic than most of my male counterparts. I am more emotional than most of my male counterparts. I have no desire to change those things about me.

So I sit in a sea of dos and don'ts, be this way, don't be this way, day in and day out. When you add Satanism a male dominated school of thought, one could say why bother? Why even use that label? Say fuck it and go call yourself a Lilithist. Say fuck it to all of these men constantly acting in a predatory nature upon you and other women. The average Satanist doesn't seem to respect women anymore than the average citizen of society does.

Why bother? Simple. Satanism is a Warrior's Ethos. Female Warriors have been around since the dawn of time. Mythology gives us a number of examples. History points to entire cultures where Female Warriors were hailed, venerated and common. It simply isn't now. The Female Warrior had died out as an archetype. That's the essence of the problem that a Female Satanist faces when building her own paradigm. A lack of models, a lack of Modern Archetypes that show what the Hell she is.

As my understanding of Satanism has grown I have discovered that the enemy (all Warriors have a good villain to fight.) is the Patriarchal values that permeate our culture, the same ones that permeate my own mind. It's not Jehova, it's not Theism, it's not Christianity, it's the very fabric of our culture that needs to be fought against.

How do you fight that? The first one for me was to take by womanhood from everyone else told me it was and define it for myself. To take back the power of those Archetypes and create one that was worthy in my own mind. Can a woman be both fierce and emotional? Why not? Can a woman be both a good mother and someone who actively fights day in and day out? Absolutely? Can a woman be sexually free and heterosexual and monogamous? Why not?

This is where Feminism fits into my paradigm. I see it as a perfectly acceptable way to fight these ideas that have oppressed both sexes. It's a great way to fight for the things that matter to me, which is equality for both sexes, a reinterpretation of what woman is bursting forth and changing the way woman is viewed forever.



My name is FemaleSatan and I am a Feminist.

Political Rant #154738231

So an election has come to a close, Obama has won and all of America is holding hands... oops I mean more divided than EVER.

Whole thing makes me sick to my stomach on both ends, watching both parties. Funny thing people who voted for Obama, you are celebrating another person's victory, you are celebrating another person's success and claiming it as your own. Republicans, same thing to you, you are mourning another man's loss, another man's defeat. The only people that should be celebrating or whining are Obama and Romney.

Does the whole political machine effect me? Fuck yeah. Does the fact that Obama won a second term primarily by using white guilt and handouts to get votes piss me the Hell off? Yep. Am I worried about the future of my country now? You bet your ass I am.

But....

Nobody is addressing the real issues America faces. Nobody is the fix or the solution to the problems America faces. I heard a talk radio host say that if Romney had been elected America would have fell of the financial cliff in 5 to 8 years with Obama he gives it 2 to 4. Yeah pretty much.

Nobody wants to talk about shit like the Federal Reserve. Nobody wants to admit a single truth and one that defines a large part of my political stance, I didn't wake up in a country that even remotely resembles the shit that was laid out in the Constitution. I wasn't born into a Country that remotely resemble the blueprint the Founding Fathers gave. I highly doubt I ever will.

They use these words to beat you into submission. Freedom, Liberty, Justice, Hope and Change. Freedom is not handed out by ANY Government, it's fought for and it's Individual. That one word pisses me the Hell off as most people use it. It's been redefined to mean, "Freedom as long as the other person agrees with me, and tows the line the Government has given them."

Fuck that. Fuck you if you buy into the idea that the USA has done anything other than steal your freedoms from you at a wholesale level. Fuck you if you think all would of been better if Romney had been elected. Fuck you if you think Obama is some kind of fucking savior.

It's a goddamn shell game, a method of distraction so you don't see the simple truth: you don't live in a country even remotely resembling what the constitution laid out. What happened to States Rights? I should be able to say, "Fuck these pansy ass liberals" and move somewhere that is inline with what I believe, what I feel my own community should be like. Why, beyond the Constitution does a Federal Contract exist in the first place? Do you even ask yourself questions like this? I do.

Did I vote? Hell yeah I don't want my Great Grandmother to haunt my ass. ;) She lived through women getting the right to vote and had a real fear that is women didn't vote, the Government would take that right away. So... I vote for that reason alone. I do think that what happens on a local level matters more than who sits on the fucking throne, oops I mean who is 'elected' President.

I do love MY country. I don't love the fucking bullshit nanny state I was born into. When I read the Constitution, letters that the Founding Fathers have written, etc I want to live THERE. THAT Country sounds cool as fuck. It would be kinda like organized social anarchy. But this shit that America is right now, don't make me fucking laugh.

All of you are joke and make me ashamed to be an American. You tow the line but don't try to break it. You want Freedom but only as your politicians say you should have. You don't fight for those three little words that are the very essence of what this country is supposed to represent, Freedom, Liberty and Justice.

If your vote counts why does the fucking Electoral College exist to begin with? The Electoral College effectively takes out ANY chance a third party candidate has of making it into office. You just voted in another puppet and think you exercised a Freedom.

FS

To Whom It May Concern

"Sometimes, trying to fix stupid just becomes cumbersome. " -Fnord

Why I left SIN, in a nutshell.

FS

Superiority Complex

How do you judge your superiority? Is it based on other people or being better than you were previously?

I see the former a shitload on the internet. People who say well I am better, I am superior, I am the highest embodiment of life, because I am better than you. I find this to be an ultimately self defeating mindset to operate under.

Why? Some other motherfucker out there is stronger, bigger, faster and smarter than you. Fact. You are not the biggest, baddest and strongest their is in the entire World. None of us are.

I tend to see the concept of Might is Right or Will To Power in a more compartmentalized fashion. What I mean is that for each area of life, what is stronger triumphs over what is weaker. So the better looking woman wins the looks contest, while the stronger man wins the strength contest. You get the idea and none of us are going to post all tens across the board.

So you can see yourself as Superior because you are better than a bunch of other idiots out there. You can, once again, derive your sense of self from others, even if it's from a Superiority stance.

Or you can turn that inward, invert this idea and use it to shape yourself, to evolve yourself somehow. Are you Superior to the old you, the you that existed a week ago, a month ago or a year ago? Are the results of what you engage in tangible? Can you see the effects of the physical exertion? Do you think in a different way, have you learned something more about yourself from an experience you have had?

If not, you are the same old monkey you have always been. You aren't Superior, you're just another person deriving their sense of worth from others while mouthing off.

I KNOW I am Superior to the old me. Hell, I am Superior to the me that logged on to the interwebz two years ago. I find the old me (from two years ago) to be a high maintenance, whiny, ass kissing, pseudo intellectual little bitch.

I have said it before, when I am looking at others, I really only look for one thing, an evolution of thought to be occurring. This is tangible, even via the interwebz. You can read someone else's opinions change, you can see the results of an Adversarial Praxis in play, even if it is just via what they write.

That's what I tend to respect, those people where I see that evolution. Those are the people that have always made my respect list. If you make my shit kicking list, it is for one reason: I don't see it in you. You are at the same place, spouting the same shit you did the moment I met you.

Either do the work or GTFO. Make yourself Superior to the old you, period. Being Superior to the average jackass is easy. Doing the work to change yourself, to understand who you really are, breaking the chains you have on your psyche is way more fucking difficult.

FS

Watchman Watching

So I finally watched Watchmen (I know, I know catch up FS). Now while I found the movie thoroughly enjoyable, I found the ending well thought provoking, especially in relation to the average persons need for authority.

If you've seen it you get what I am saying. Asshole motherfucker who wants to be the next Alexander The Great pins his blowing up of a shitload of major cities on John, a guy who is basically a God. John's gonna kill his sorry little ass, but then he turns on the news. Russia and the US and every other country now looovvvveeeee each other because they are united against this new common enemy, a guy who can destroy everything.

Now on a larger level what is the message of this movie? That the average person needs a wrathful, vengeance seeking God looking down to stop them from doing stupid shit? That all of humanity will destroy each other and themselves without an authority figure to stop them.

In a secular society what that authority is now is easy to see. The big brotherish government that has developed. With its satellites, databases, etc tracking our every move, keeping an eye on us, throwing people that are somehow unfit for this society into prisons or crushing them under the wheels of poverty, degradation, and forced slavery. Without money one cannot survive in the average Western society so all of us have to do a little slave time. Or suffer a fate that can be worse than death.

I see that a good deal of humanity needs this authority, that it has always existed, will always exist and acts as a way to balance the bloodthirsty, selfish, savage beast that humanity really is.On a mental level its concepts infect our minds on such a level that leaving its influence is truly an impossible task. The machine, that wrathful vengeful authority figure is in our head, not just 'out there' trying to hold us all down.

Then there's Rorschach. A character that is well awesome. In the face of this event occurring he refuses to just keep his mouth shut and roll over and allow the little wannabe Alexander win. He refuses to just stand by while John takes the blame for something he didn't do in some sick attempt to pervert human nature. He says, 'Never compromise even in the face of Armageddon.' He walks away to let others know what happened.

Of course John just waves his hand and turns him into a bloodsmear. However, I find the death in that movie to be a real hero's way out. To refuse to allow this shit to go down. He knows he's going to die (him screaming DO IT is haunting to say the least), he just doesn't care, he finds it something worthy to die for. To decide to allow humanity to be what they really are, even if they destroy each other.

I find a little lesson there. The 'enemy' is literally unstoppable, to big to ever really go down, but... it's necessary to question, oppose, say fuck you to these authority figures. Not because of anything more than it needing to be down.

Was Rorschach an idealist? Yeah, I think so. However, considering he's the only motherfucker willing to stand up for those ideals he has makes him the one I want to emulate, the one I want to be just a wee bit like. Could I stand up to some big blue, God d00d that can wipe me out with a flick of his finger? Could I stand and stay by my convictions in the face of sudden death?

That's what I am left with from watching this movie.

Ramble on FS....

Satanism. One word, infinite interpretations.

Some view it as meaning I can do whatever I want to, a kind of Super Special Individualism. Me? Not so much.

I view it more as a way to say, 'Hey, I seek out adversity, I seek out conflict, I actively engage in things that I want to avoid, that I personally find ugly, gross, awful and distasteful, just for any knowledge I can gain from that. A path to nowhere. One with no end goal but personal insight.

So is it fun? Or glamorous? Hell no. It's all about rolling in the dirt of life. It's all about standing up after you get knocked by life so hard you can't think straight.

I was a badass in my head until someone got the better of me. Until I actually had some motherfucking man get me down on the ground, squeezing my arm as hard as he could while leaning into my face saying, 'don't move or I will break your arm.' Starting to choke me and saying, 'I will kill you.'

I am victorious because I am typing this. I survived, I still breathe air. However, I did die a little that day. I suffered a 'little death.' A perception of myself as something I am not was killed. A perception of the World being a certain way was annihilated.

That's the point behind the Praxis, to suffer little deaths. To learn more about yourself. To learn more about the World and its savage, brutal nature. To find strength in yourself, to cut out weakness. To not be,complacent or comfortable.

I do know what the philosophers say about this and that. I know what the Satanic heavy hitters write. Do their words matter? No. What matters are my own conclusions about things. What matters are what I find to be true based on what I experience in my own life.

While the path is never ending and full of endless strife, it reflects a truth about the World most hide from. I have always found the most significant association Satan has is Lord of the Earth.

This is why:

Is Heaven and God not another way to say that which is borne of the mind? That which Faith, hope and trust is put in? The manufacturings of one's mind? That which is not of Reality?

Meanwhile the Earth is there to view, to experience, to understand. It's Reality. Dark, savage, brutal, impossible to fully experience, but still there. Timeless and in spite of its savagery beautiful.

Welcome to Reality

Welcome to Reality. At least that's my own Personal end goal. To see things a little less through my own perspective and get a grasp on what the World, Humanity, etc is REALLY like.

Why? I am a pessimistic/optimist. I see myself in a very, very negative light and others, the events that surround me, etc through a positive, all people are innately kind and good scope. I know, I know but bear with me.

Now, I know all about WtP, etc but I just don't see others in a 'this person wants to exert their own power over me, this person wants me to bow to their desires' way. *sigh* After my latest foray into doing something outside the norm and something radical, I can see it now.

I have dealt with people man handling me to try to intimidate me. I have dealt with people throwing money (money is power after all) in my face as an attempt to gain sexual favors from me. I have had people steal from me. I have had people lie to me, just continuously.

I tend to take others at face value. It's a basic thing, everybody lies constantly. Some don't even realize they are doing it. They have lied to themselves at such a level they really believe what they are telling me. Due to that knowledge, I tend to just let things go.

I don't walk around thinking, 'Oh this motherfucker is gonna hurt me,' or 'Oh this motherfucker just wants something from me.'

Now I see that it's the way I lie to myself. I assume that others are being 'real' somehow. I assume others are not out to get theirs, even if they have to kick MY teeth in to do it. I assume others are going to follow through with what they say.

And it's a lie. People suck. I think it may be a Societal thing. Everything can seem so safe inside that little bubble. Everyone can seem so benign through that particular looking glass. So, I bought it. I may be at imminent risk of having some motherfucker blow my head off at any moment, or rape me, or torture me, or steal from me, but I can ignore it as long as I am inside that safe little bubble.

I can even say, well I have Self Defense training so I am safe. I am armed so I am safe. Not true, you get the right kinda motherfucker coming after you, they don't give a good goddamn how tough my teeny white girl ass thinks she is. They just want to take, they just want to exert that dominance over me somehow.

Now, I want to know these things, but the cost feels to heavy at times. If I really, really ask myself was I happier, did I feel safer before I started sticking my head in the lion's mouth for pleasure, the answer is an enthusiastic Yes.

Now, I am kinda scared, I feel like I live in a World full of this weird kinda innate cruelty, and that it wants to come after me, it DOES come after me just as hard as everyone else. That I am no more protected from that than the clueless, laughing little blonde Barbies I see.

Where Am I?

EA rock concert? A country concert?

Hell no. This is a line in Nashville for Homeless people to get a hot meal. It's called Bridge Bunch and the location is one of the former 'hiding places ' for the Homeless to sleep.

Revitalization my ass. The economy is doing better? Yeah fucking right. Homelessness is at an all time high in Smashville, home of pretension and broken dreams, home of the Hopeless.

I Hope You Dance

Sometimes you have a moment so fucking profound it's almost impossible to put into words.

So here's the scene... I am at a Music In The Park thing. Local bands playing live music. I get there and the first thing, in fact the most noticeable thing is this black guy. He's the only person dancing. He looks well ... wild in comparison to your average sheeple. Long hair, combat boots, etc.

Now I am a people watcher. And I notice the reaction of people as they walk past him. They either stare or pretend he doesn't exist. Looks of disgust are thrown his way. Every once in awhile he gets a hug, like he's the token freak.

As I watch I notice something else. He's into it, he's happy. Is the average person there? No. They are distracted. Clutching their cellphones, yelling at their kids, just completely disengaged, completely miserable, completely blah in comparison.

I say to my husband, "Look. He's the only Individual here. He's the only one in the moment. "  So he starts watching. Idiots that dye their hair green to be nonconformists, ignoring or being disgusted at the only person doing their own thing, LOL.

So, a new band comes up. I get up when they start. I am going to dance to. There's a fucking area for dancing for fucks sake. So I danced. I just let go, I just let the music move me as well. I 'get over' my instinct to just sit like everyone else.

Here's what's funny. Within five minutes two little girls join me. Then more. I open my eyes and one point and see five little kids standing in a line staring at me. I smile and keep dancing. They dance, I dance, awesome ass black dude dances. Parents start encouraging their kids to dance as well.

A little boy starts whooping for the band. I develop a fan in a red headed man. He smiles at me, claps for me, whistles a few times.

It is a 30 minute moment  that can only be described as Numinous, almost holy in nature. I can't describe the emotional response I had. I was fighting back tears at the beauty of this moment me, this man and these children are having.

I get done and am emotionally rocked. Questions fill my mind. Why children and not adults? Why did I get a different reception than he did? Why did people quit viewing him as a freak when I got up? Why did adults sway on their blankets, rather than dance?

It was a reflection of a fundamental fact... One person does something ANYTHING out of the norm, they're crazy. Two or more, a movement of sorts.

Now I deal in Darkness. In Hell on Earth at times. In things that shake the psyche to the core. But this, this dancing was the same way. A 'positive' psychological shakeup. A stepping outside of the normal in favor of doing what I want.

I said to the guy afterwards, "You made my day." He told me I made his as well. Asked me if I was coming back. I said yes.

And I will DANCE.

Little Girls

When I watch my daughters play with other little girls, I begin to think about the Female Archetypes that exist. See, girls play less aggressively than little boys do. They imitate being mommies, they pretend to be Models, they play with Barbies and dolls.

It makes me wonder how little girls played when some of my favorite Archetypes were part of their Society's structure. Goddesses like Inanna, Ishtar, Artemis, Athena, etc. Were girls as aggressive as boys when a Female Warrior Archetype was accepted. Did they pretend to shoot bows and arrows, like my sons do with guns? Did they wrestle with each other? Punch each other in the arm? Did those girls say when I grow up I wanna be a Warrior? Or when I grow up I wanna be a prostitute?

Some of the associations that Femaleness has in this current Western, Secular Society I live in make sense. Motherhood is obvious. Weakness physically, especially in comparison to men makes sense as well. The constant sexual object association I get as well.

Take the Virgin Mary. I think about her as an Archetype quite a bit. I sometimes think she broke Femalehood, lol. Her SON according to this weird Mythology that is the basis of the Society I live in, died for no damn good reason. Just to please a Sky Daddy, that is an ass. He impregnates this poor woman, in order to have her son DIE for him. She is powerless throughout the entire story, a broken, weak, joke of a woman. She's not sexual, cause she was a Virgin. She's not powerful, she can't even stop the Death of her son. She just lays there throughout the New Testament, a colorless, lifeless vessel for this thing that is beyond her control.

Let me tell you something, I can put myself in her shoes and I don't fucking get it. How do you just stand by while your son is murdered and chalk it up to God's Will? Did she cry? Did she tear her hair out? Did she beat at the Guard's with her fists to stop them? Was she arrested for attempting to stop this thing from happening? Not according to most versions of that story. I would be fighting as much as I could for my boy. I just think about it, if she actually existed, she is the embodiment of Powerlessness, the Great Sorrow of being helpless when it comes to your child, your sexuality, etc.

Everyone knows its all about programming docile citizens for this Society, Hell for all Societies. The Virgin Mary is brilliant for taking away the power attached to Femaleness. She takes away the inherent right a woman has to control her own destiny and the destiny of her Child.

I only become MORE aggressive the more Physically Adept I become. It's like an end result of wanting to be a Modern Female Warrior and fighting like Hell to become one. But, the times in my life I have literally felt Homicidal Rage, were over my kids. Pre or Post, physical fitness. Didn't matter if I was 200 lobs or not. I will kill a Motherfucker for my kids.

When they were born this surge of Protectiveness mixed with Rage has overcame me. When that child was put in my arms, I thought the following, I will kill for you, I will steal for you, NO price is to great to see you thrive.

where's THAT in the Modern Mother Archetype? Cause I have never met a Mother, who wasn't the same way (expect for maybe mine, lol).

I want to be a Female Warrior and I am slowly becoming one. One step at a time. It's my journey, the one I am on now. And my main beef with Society lies in the fact that Female Archetypes are incomplete, spoiled by a Man's view of what Woman is or should be. It's time for women to start to define this for ourselves and say fuck it to Archetypes that lack our input, that are funhouse mirrors of Femininity. For MY daughters to have better than I did. For them to not experience the confusion I did for a long time at what Woman is and isn't.

It's why I do what I do. Isn't the Mother of a child the most fundamental Archetype they encounter? Their first Goddess before Religion begins to take over their little minds?

So I try to find ANY portrayals of Women as Warriors that I can. Here's one I found the other day that kinda stunned me. Katy Perry's video for her song Part Of Me. How fucking awesome is the message here? Well for me it sits at 10,00%. Bitch gets cheated on and dumped, Bitch cuts off all her hair, tapes down her boobs and becomes a ..... Marine!! A Modern Female Warrior! Not perfect but better than Mary needlessly mourning her son after succumbing to a Man's will.

Trigger Words Take Two...

Bitch, pussy, Nancy, Sally, quit whining like a girl, are you on your period, etc. Words that are thrown at men to insult them for being to feminine, to girly, to soft. Now when I read these kinda things, or am being dismissed simply because I am a woman, I have to laugh. Language tell the tell of what memes permeate this current Western Society better than almost anything else. This whole idea that a term that is somehow inherently female is weak, is less than male is obvious and if you are a woman, can leave a bitter taste in your mouth. A realization that all of Society views you as the Weaker, Lesser Sex. A realization that you have been programmed by THEM to think you are weaker than all males. Ironically enough, I can kinda handle being shit talked when it is as an equal. When I am not being dismissed for my inherent Femaleness. What gets to me is the OH, you're just a woman dismissal. It riles me up, it pisses me off, and I decide that I will shove my fucking fist down your throat to make you REALIZE I am better than your sorry fucking ass. What's that shit? ^^^^^ Is it a little Alphaness emerging? Is it rage at the fact no matter what I do, no matter what I accomplish, I will always be viewed as inherently less because fucking Society says so? I know that I could produce the next TS Motherfucking B and most men won't give it a second look. I know that I could write the most profound post on a forum and some Motherfucker with a Gawdamn dick is gonna come in, say the same fucking thing, and get fucking hailed as the Next Black Hope. I can save my kid from running in the road, teach them how to defend themselves, stand up for themselves, and someone will say I am doing a good job turning them into men (this actually happened recently). Male means strength, domination, conquest. Woman represents weakness, submission, and victimization. That simple and that much utter fucking horseshit. And I don't want to be a victim, I don't wanna submit, I am not weak. So what the actual fuck am I to do? It's this fucking base, common perception that Society has that pisses me the Hell off. That is a set of Trigger Words if you will, something that should do nothing, but has a real effect on me personally. Because I refuse to have those things be a part of me, they never really have been Weakness, submission, and victimization is for them, not me. So I need to get past this little bullshit as well. Realize that people who dismiss me just for being a Woman, just for being Female are not worthy of Fighting. That maybe I can use this I am 'weak' perception to my advantage, rather than screaming NO! NO! FUCK YOU, etc.

On Werewolves

What is a werewolf according to its Mythological constructs? A man, who appears as a man most of the time. Who actually preys on others around them, while keeping the appearance of being just a man. Something blood thirsty, something vicious, something that hides in the shadows and promotes chaos, death, and disorder. A predator, something feared. Something with a large amount of misunderstanding, innuendo, assumption and superstition around it. A Mythological construct borne out of superstition that people were killed (most of the time for no good reason) over. So let's see..... Anton LaVey chooses the name Satanism for what he puts on paper. Anton LaVey calls Satanic women witches. Anton LaVey writes an essay on becoming a Werewolf. There's a common thread there that touches upon what Satanism is beyond just the written words. *Note, I will be fleshing this out later to be a full essay on misunderstood Archetypes within Satanism.

Happy Piss Off Muslims Day

Fun times. In an era of Political Correctness and the concept of Egalitarian, everyone is equal bullshit a real enemy rose up and actually struck The West. Now I know, I know the common argument. The US started it, the US deserved it, blah, blah, blah, horseshit. My loyalty lies no more with the US, The West, etc as it does with Islam. My loyalty is to well.... me. It's an important distinction and one that needs to be made. When I look around me I see a lot of people that are pretty fucking opposite of what I stand for, what I believe in. But most are to pussy assed to actually kill me. Christianity is a joke. What are The Pagans gonna do say Blessed Be? Islam is different. It's more than just a Religion. It is a mental infection that colors the view of its adherents on everything from Law, to relations between the sexes, to Fashion, to the education of their children.

And the underlying principle behind the text is simple from having read it: Kill FS, kill anybody like FS, kill FS' children, kill FS' husband, terrorize and lie to the Government of the land FS lives in. Ever read the koran? I am the poster child of an Infidel. Any loud, proud, independent American Woman is. Page after page of reasons I should die, reasons I am unclean, reasons I should be stoned, beheaded, lied to, etc. And these people actually have the balls to back that shit up.

So, I have a pretty extremist view here but there is a reasoning behind it. The stage is being set for WW3. The main catalyst has been the Middle East, especially in regards to War and the fighting the US is doing. Now, any other time there has been a War and of that proportion, the 'citizens' begin to hate the other side. Lots of reasons for this, propaganda and such, but the citizens HATE them, they represent everything they are not. The long lasting hatred of Nazis, for example, reflects this. Now I am an US citizen. My enemy and the big one to come is easily defined by a few things, one being their Religious preference. So yeah I hate them, I want them all dead, I want their Religion to be made illegal, yada yada yada. I doubt US citizens were talking up the Nazis or saying that Nazis had every right to practice National Socialism in the US during WW2.

So why would I do that or even contemplate having a let them do what they want attitude when my Country is at War, and when I as a person represent everything they hate and want to destroy? The main reason for all this is me. They win, I die. I am to 'opposite' of what women are forced to be in the Middle East for me to survive them winning. Fuck 'em and fuck respected their right to push that bullshit here. Fuck Allah, fuck the Koran, Fuck Mohammad, Fuck Sharia Law.

Shit, Shit, Shit

So I have been on a blogging break for about a month now. Why? Shit. In the literal sense.

See a time comes in a young child's life when they have to give up their diapers and move to kidhood. That kid's Mother or Father has to crack the whip and get that little brat potty trained.

Now there are lots of systems, books, DVDS, Pull ups and the like to assist with this process. I have tried them all and none of them work. Pull ups have gotten the same reception from every child I have ever had "It's a diaper." <<<---- Which translates to fuck you I ain't going in the potty.

This is what does work. Set aside about two weeks. The first week the concept is introduced. Then comes the second week. NO diapers no pull ups, just a potty seat, about 20 pairs of underwear, and YOU taking the kid to the potty about every hour.

See the second week shows a child in a very real way WHY they should go to the potty. Ain't no diaper or pull up wicking the wet away. They get to feel it on them. Nature than takes it's inevitable course.

A long, exhausting week of shit and piss. By the end you should have a potty trained child.

For me it is a walk through Hell. Why? I hate smelling, touching or anything having to do with other people's shit. Makes me gag, makes me barf. And this whole thing is about well ..... me cleaning up someone else's shit.

Now over the years, I have became immune to this with diapers (I did puke on my first kid once though) . But potty training shit is a whole different ball of wax. You have to get the shit outta the underwear. You HAVE to touch it. Most importantly, you cannot puke on your kid during this process. It tends to set potty training back, lolz.

So today while I was cleaning up yet another 'accident' I started thinking about transcending one's own limitations, mental boundaries, blah, blah, blah. The way this is talked about is typically in terms of things like Racism, Egalitarianism, Crime, etc. Things that are just thoughts, Idealogies and the like.

I rarely see someone say, 'I am terrified of heights so I went bungee jumping.' Or, 'I am afraid of dogs so I got one as a pet.'

See THAT I get, that makes sense. That makes me want to go confront my own Personal Devils. Confronting a phobia is a common form of treatment for a phobia. Ever watch a show where they are doing this for people?? It's always funny to see how extreme the reactions can be, especially to things I don't find scary.

However, that extremity of reaction is what makes it evident a real personal boundary has been crossed, a personal Devil has been found and made real, then vanquished. You can't do that in your head, you can't out think a phobia. It's just there and real to you, even if everybody else on Earth thinks it's retarded.

I have had people ask me why the extreme reaction to shit?? This is always followed by,'Why don't you have someone else potty train your kid.

The answer is simple. I get a subtle thrill in doing things that I wouldn't normally do. I derive a strange sense of enjoyment out of doing something I would normally avoid. I like knowing that I can move past these preset boundaries I have in my mind.

Shit today, tomorrow The WORLD!!!

Yet Another Emotional Rant ;)

Posturing: The moment one starts to present themselves as they want to be, not as they actually are.

Know when it comes to posturing, there are some things that just crawl under my skin. One is the Unemotional game people wanna play. To pretend they feel nothing, that things like fear, pain, sorrow, hate, love, etc are things they don't feel or have risen above.

Like anything that really bothers me, it is an oil and water thing. I feel and I feel emotions at a great depth. I will cry over a lyric to a song if it resonates somehow. I have good ole fashioned I will destroy you and dance over your dead body Motherfucker depths of Rage. I experience things like this at such a depth the alternative is unfathomable to me.

I swim through a constant sea of emotions that cloud my Objectivity. They are there and they are very real. In fact, when I hit those emotional depths I feel more alive. Like the moment I felt the true depth of sorrow or love or hate or pain I was truly alive. That the events that made me feel those things were what LaVey referred to as 'Vital Existence.'

If you're not feeling the depth of emotion and those emotional reactions, are you really doing a life that progresses you, that evolves you into more than the person next to you? Or have you simply cut yourself off, abandoned the things that make existence worth living?

A great example is romantic relationships. So many people get to burned, to hurt to re engage in a romantic relationship. But are they really living by not taking that chance, by not allowing themselves to get hurt? No. In order to avoid pain, they miss the joy, heartache, etc that comes with having another individual that in your life.

And that's the rub, I guess. Emotions cloud the mind, while making things more real, more worthwhile. Every emotional depth I have hit has effected me. The fact that my heart used to be so open, is why I am now so selective as to who I allow in, why I understand someone being one of my 'own' verses not being one of my own. Having experienced rage at such a level is why I control it (breathing and counting works wonders). Having experienced sorrow at such a depth is why I hold on to happiness as hard as I do. Feeling the lump in your throat, oh I could die or be seriously hurt, heart beating to fast fear is why I aspire to be a Female Warrior.

Those emotional depths and the psychological scars I have is why I have become who I am. Those emotions are what drive me to evolve thyself, not the rest of the World. They are why I fight, why I engage with my environment in such an aggressive manner, why I live the way I do.

I want to live, I want to experience every facet of life that I can before I am finally done with existence. There is a difference between controlling your emotions and denying they exist. Vital existence requires control, not denial.