Just fuck off and leave me alone. Like that it's done, a relationship that I mistakenly got emotionally invested in lost. I'm not going to call, write, show up, cause a scene, make a bunch of drunk texts to try to reengage you, I am done as well. I am not built to beg to be in someone's life, either you get me or you don't, either you are on the level or you're not.
Here's the problem I currently have, I have been alone for a long time, even in relationships. A little individual ship doing its own thing for a long ass time. I don't get emotionally involved, not on more than a surface level, letting people in causes pain, it lets them hurt you, it lets them prove themselves to be distrustful pieces of shit. It's waaayyyy easier to be alone (even in a group) than to be open hearted for two seconds.
Then a motherfucker gets to me, they seem to be one of mine,they actually manage to get me to open up the vault for them. I let them in, I start feeling warm gushy feelings of being safe, being accepted, hell let's get honest here, being loved for the first time in a long time. It feels good, I feel like maybe I was wrong about other people and my long reigning attitude of me being the only person I can depend on or trust is false.
Then I get fucking betrayed, again. This time I feel something though and it's not my typical murderous, misanthropic, thanks for proving me right rage. No, I get hurt and it's a big hurt. Not over this specific incident but at the fact that I am lonely. I can feel it, this big gaping fucking hole in my life that has been there forever and I was numb to it. After so long of feeling that loneliness, I got used to it, it became something that almost didn't exist, not on a surface level. No, my loneliness,which has been there since I was a child,is palatable.
I want to be held, I want someone else to put their arms around me, tell me it's going to be okay and I want to believe them, I want to know everything is safe now in that split second. I want to exhale, not be on my guard so much, I want that low level of fear I walk around with all the time to disappear. I want what a good parent can give a child, what a good man, a really good man gives to a woman, what a best friend is capable of, the ability to be safe and be safe because that other person is there and they are bigger and stronger than whatever wants to hurt you.
It's irrational and it's stupid but it's there, that I want to connect with someone on THAT level. I also realize I have wanted that for a long time and that I cover it up because it feels so goddamn needy. I seek out men that are capable of hurting me (and willing to) because they can hurt others if they are going to be that safe oasis I find. I seek parental figures because my parents were incapable of providing that feeling of safety. My friends tend to be younger because I am very good at providing this for someone else. None of that gives me what I want though.
When I think on the concept of religion, I realize it provides that for a good number of people. A place they can feel safe, warm, loved, etc. A loving God to replace what other individuals, individuals of your own kind should provide. A parental figure that never lets you down, a best friend who is never to be busy to be there, an instant good man that gives you exactly what you need. I realize it's part of the delusion that makes faith such a powerful goddamn thing, it lets the mind believe you finally found that oasis in the storm of fucked up people and fucked up situations. The truth is you didn't really find that though, you just found a band-aid as powerful as my numbness was. You just embraced a concept that made you feel less alone, I ain't doing that shit.
I realize I have three choices here. I can feel the void with something that doesn't really fill it, religion, lots of hot sex, drugs and alcohol or something else that cause the numbness to return. I can really look at it, realize where it comes from and fix whatever it is that makes me feel this loneliness. Maybe I can be my own oasis from the sea of fucked up people and fucked up situations. Maybe I can realize some big fucking epiphany that makes me say "holy fuck that is what that is" like I have trust issues or something else.
The third choice is even harder, maybe that's the real reality shit I feel. Maybe the World is just a sea of fucked up people and fucked up situations waiting to take you down, waiting to fuck you over and I SHOULD be afraid, I should always be on my guard, I should trust no one, not even myself because I am fucking human as well. I should feel this big fucking hole in my life because NOTHING EXISTS THAT CAN FILL IT.
Life keeps teaching me that I alone. No God to save me, no religion to fill my cup, no person to make me whole, no parent to make me feel like the World and all its bullshit will go away, nothing, I have nothing over and over again. It makes me feel worthless, like I am less than human for being who and what I am. A part of me screams "I am WORTHY of love and trust and some other shit that I need" while the other part says, "Darling, no human being is worthy of that and you are human, so very human." I am that thing, human. I am full of flaws, imperfections, fuck ups, screwing other people over, and other manipulative shit that only the human species is capable of.
I feel the creeping onset of loneliness in my life, with no resolution. I AM alone and always will be, because no human being can provide what I need, including myself.
Showing posts with label Feminism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Feminism. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
The Schism
Within Satanism there are two primary schools of thought emerging. One school of thought views Satanism as a Philosophy, the other views Satanism as a Praxis. Lately, the two have been butting heads in a major way and one that surprises me. I truly think that Satanism is both a Philosophy and a Praxis. Like anything else, in order to truly be able to say a label defines you, one has to live that label, embrace it as an action, thinking is simply not enough.
The philosophical Satanist has obvious roots. People like Bloom, Rand, LaVey, Jason King and others have put forth a viewpoint that the World is Satanic. that embracing the way things truly are is to embrace things like conflict, adversity, strife, and other concepts that have ground shaking consequences on the psyche. To understand that the World is Satanic is to embrace the World as it really is, to realize that your base human nature is somehow glorious, even Godly (hate that word) in nature.
The Praxis oriented Satanist has its roots in Vamachara, Anton Long, Dan Dread, Diavolo and others. The viewpoint is that one cannot claim a label unless they live that label. While the ONA put forth a very specific list of things to do in order to achieve this level of knowledge with the Seven Fold Sinister Way, more modern authors equate this to busting personal chains on the psyche. Some will be common to most people living in a certain society, others will be more personal and individual.
Okay, brief history and shout outs to various thinkers is done.
When I read these various authors one overarching theme comes to mind. The RHP has its roots in repressing human nature and rejecting it outright. The LHP seems to be more about embracing that human nature and rejecting the status quo.
Neither school of thought has its roots in just thinking thoughts in order to be _________. Can a good Christian be out lusting after others, drinking, smoking, fighting, cheating and stealing? No. Can a decent Satanist have a life that basically resembles everyone else's, never go outside of their comfort zone and still use that label and use it meaningfully? No.
It's that simple. I can do it with ANY school of thought. Can a Wiccan worship just the God or do they have to embrace the Sacred Feminine as well? Can a Thelemite just read some Crowley and that's it? No, each involves action of some kind, rather it's a lifestyle, ritual work, or something else.
So I obviously fall into the Praxis camp. Why? I was raised to never do anything luke-warm. You love, you go all in. You hate, you go all in. You want to have children, you go all in. No half assing anything. It's not enough to call yourself something and be done with it. ANYTHING worth labeling yourself has to be something that describes you and the way you act, that, if necessary, defines and changes your life.
When I came to the realization that the World was somehow reflecting the phenomenon trying to be captured with the word Satan, another realization followed. It's not enough to recognize, one has to be it, one has to act as Satan would. One has to rage war with the status quo, even if it's the parts of it that exists in their own mind.
Taking it a step forward, my own veneer put on this phenomenon is that it is female and declaring war on a male status quo, the patriarchy as it currently stands. If Satan represents Nature or the World, than Satan is female, as is all Goddesses who have represented the Earth. Even if they are dried, decaying shells of what I feel when I contemplate this. Rage, anger, hatred are all part and parcel for my own personal conception of this Female Satan that clunks around in my head.
My Own Personal Issues With Both Schools of Thought
I find the philosophical Satanist and their understanding of the World to be vital to understanding why one should DO the DO, so to speak. One has to find a growing hatred with things that want to oppress human nature, with ways of life that oppress this phenomenon all of us attempt to describe, that want to force you into some kind of box and make you conform to their standards.
Once that hatred is found, declaring a personal war on the status quo is the next logical step. Deciding that you will cut your own Path, do your own thing, try to discover who you really are free of these societal memes is a logical next step. What's the point in being able to point to and understand something if you do not act on that realization?
My own personal contention with the Philosophical Satanist is that to many do just that. They recognize the phenomenon and then stop. They do nothing else whatsoever. They may rant and rage about this and that, but ultimately they are full of hot air. Like the teenager who HATES their parents but never sneaks out, never dyes their hair an outrageous color, they just keep doing what their parents say. All of the rebelling takes place inside their mind. So it fails ultimately.
The Praxis Satanist has another pox that exists in its camp. It's people that make the claim that they are doing all of these grand, evil, Sinister shit but they're really not. They're chest thumping and honestly, are more fucking annoying than almost anything else I run into. I find people that run around bragging or acting like they are completely immoral to be missing some fundamental thing I have found since I started breaking my own psychological chains.
I spend most of my time when this is done and done right feeling anything but victorious. It makes me feel melancholic, lonely, bitter, small, defenseless, weak, and scared. I want to go back and not know what I now know. I want to cry and beat my head against a wall for hours. I feel less like a bad ass everyday and more vulnerable than ever, more fragile, more human. NOBODY ever told me that's what the 'doing' of Satanism gets you. NOBODY attached a warning label to it. They all ran around talking about how awesome and free they feel. The bastards lied to me, they beat their chests and denied the darker aspects of this shit. Sometimes in my darkest moments I wonder if I am somehow not doing this the right way. All of my realizations are just how small, weak and pathetic I really am.
Conclusion
Both schools of thought have something to offer and one should read all of these perspectives in order to understand what they are getting into and why it is important. Go farther than just reading some shit though, don't be luke-warm about your Satanism. There should be more fire in the belly of a Satanist than a Christian. Let them live lives that are not reflecting their chosen Paths.
FS
The philosophical Satanist has obvious roots. People like Bloom, Rand, LaVey, Jason King and others have put forth a viewpoint that the World is Satanic. that embracing the way things truly are is to embrace things like conflict, adversity, strife, and other concepts that have ground shaking consequences on the psyche. To understand that the World is Satanic is to embrace the World as it really is, to realize that your base human nature is somehow glorious, even Godly (hate that word) in nature.
The Praxis oriented Satanist has its roots in Vamachara, Anton Long, Dan Dread, Diavolo and others. The viewpoint is that one cannot claim a label unless they live that label. While the ONA put forth a very specific list of things to do in order to achieve this level of knowledge with the Seven Fold Sinister Way, more modern authors equate this to busting personal chains on the psyche. Some will be common to most people living in a certain society, others will be more personal and individual.
Okay, brief history and shout outs to various thinkers is done.
When I read these various authors one overarching theme comes to mind. The RHP has its roots in repressing human nature and rejecting it outright. The LHP seems to be more about embracing that human nature and rejecting the status quo.
Neither school of thought has its roots in just thinking thoughts in order to be _________. Can a good Christian be out lusting after others, drinking, smoking, fighting, cheating and stealing? No. Can a decent Satanist have a life that basically resembles everyone else's, never go outside of their comfort zone and still use that label and use it meaningfully? No.
It's that simple. I can do it with ANY school of thought. Can a Wiccan worship just the God or do they have to embrace the Sacred Feminine as well? Can a Thelemite just read some Crowley and that's it? No, each involves action of some kind, rather it's a lifestyle, ritual work, or something else.
So I obviously fall into the Praxis camp. Why? I was raised to never do anything luke-warm. You love, you go all in. You hate, you go all in. You want to have children, you go all in. No half assing anything. It's not enough to call yourself something and be done with it. ANYTHING worth labeling yourself has to be something that describes you and the way you act, that, if necessary, defines and changes your life.
When I came to the realization that the World was somehow reflecting the phenomenon trying to be captured with the word Satan, another realization followed. It's not enough to recognize, one has to be it, one has to act as Satan would. One has to rage war with the status quo, even if it's the parts of it that exists in their own mind.
Taking it a step forward, my own veneer put on this phenomenon is that it is female and declaring war on a male status quo, the patriarchy as it currently stands. If Satan represents Nature or the World, than Satan is female, as is all Goddesses who have represented the Earth. Even if they are dried, decaying shells of what I feel when I contemplate this. Rage, anger, hatred are all part and parcel for my own personal conception of this Female Satan that clunks around in my head.
My Own Personal Issues With Both Schools of Thought
I find the philosophical Satanist and their understanding of the World to be vital to understanding why one should DO the DO, so to speak. One has to find a growing hatred with things that want to oppress human nature, with ways of life that oppress this phenomenon all of us attempt to describe, that want to force you into some kind of box and make you conform to their standards.
Once that hatred is found, declaring a personal war on the status quo is the next logical step. Deciding that you will cut your own Path, do your own thing, try to discover who you really are free of these societal memes is a logical next step. What's the point in being able to point to and understand something if you do not act on that realization?
My own personal contention with the Philosophical Satanist is that to many do just that. They recognize the phenomenon and then stop. They do nothing else whatsoever. They may rant and rage about this and that, but ultimately they are full of hot air. Like the teenager who HATES their parents but never sneaks out, never dyes their hair an outrageous color, they just keep doing what their parents say. All of the rebelling takes place inside their mind. So it fails ultimately.
The Praxis Satanist has another pox that exists in its camp. It's people that make the claim that they are doing all of these grand, evil, Sinister shit but they're really not. They're chest thumping and honestly, are more fucking annoying than almost anything else I run into. I find people that run around bragging or acting like they are completely immoral to be missing some fundamental thing I have found since I started breaking my own psychological chains.
I spend most of my time when this is done and done right feeling anything but victorious. It makes me feel melancholic, lonely, bitter, small, defenseless, weak, and scared. I want to go back and not know what I now know. I want to cry and beat my head against a wall for hours. I feel less like a bad ass everyday and more vulnerable than ever, more fragile, more human. NOBODY ever told me that's what the 'doing' of Satanism gets you. NOBODY attached a warning label to it. They all ran around talking about how awesome and free they feel. The bastards lied to me, they beat their chests and denied the darker aspects of this shit. Sometimes in my darkest moments I wonder if I am somehow not doing this the right way. All of my realizations are just how small, weak and pathetic I really am.
Conclusion
Both schools of thought have something to offer and one should read all of these perspectives in order to understand what they are getting into and why it is important. Go farther than just reading some shit though, don't be luke-warm about your Satanism. There should be more fire in the belly of a Satanist than a Christian. Let them live lives that are not reflecting their chosen Paths.
FS
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Rant A Little, Rant A Lot
In life and modern society there is a gross idea that a woman is responsible for a violent crime if she behaves or dresses in a certain manner. The worst part is that this idea is most commonly perpetuated by women about other women. I see posts like this all the time: Don't tell people you're a naughty girl and not expect retaliation. Don't walk around with your tits hanging out or in a short skirt and not expect to get raped??
What the fuck is wrong with you people? Is this the motherfucking dark ages? Are you a member of the Taliban?? This mentality is what keeps women in the Middle East wearing fucking beekeeper outfits as everyday wear. This is remnants of the mentality that got women burned at the stake for not fitting in and conforming to the standard of the day. This is the reason people were stoned.
It disgusts me for a lot of reasons. It paints men as some kind of monster that doesn't have the self control to realize that just because a woman is displaying her goods, doesn't mean they're for sale. It paints men as the type of creature that just bangs women over the head and has their way with them because they can't control their urges.
It puts an odd level of responsibility on a woman's shoulders. I'm supposed to what, figure out the line that won't make men lose control and only wear things in that clothing range. I'm supposed to, after being physically assaulted sit around and try to figure out if I did something to turn that guy on?
I'm drawing my line in the sand and calling bullshit on ALL OF THIS.
1. Rape is not about sexual desire in 'traditional'terms. Rape is a form of violence, it just happens to be a sexual assault as opposed to physical assault. It's not that a woman looked so good a guy was completely overwhelmed by sexual desire and his brain turned off. Rape is about dominance, d00d's wires are crossed and violence turns them on. In my self defense class I learned several techniques to prevent physical assault (rape is a physical assault). One was to not protect the image of a victim. Has nothing to do with what you wear, it has to do with body language, look straight ahead, shoulders back, project an aura of confidence, not victimization. The other one was if someone does grab you and starts raping you don't cry, don't struggle, don't beg. Just lay there. A good number of times they will lose arousal as a result of this.
2. I have been completely naked in front of lots of men for a living. Most treat you with an odd kind of reverence when you are half dressed or undressed. Men don't lose all of their faculties at the sight of a woman nude. They can still THINK. Hell, they can discuss the stock market with you or their job with no problem.
3. American women are weird. They think that projecting an overly sexual image is an indication of being sexually mature. Y'all know what I'm talking about. The woman who tells you how much she likes to give head. The woman who tells you about all the threesomes she's had. The woman who calls herself shit like dirty girl. This kind of sexuality is indicative of being sexually immature and not really knowing what she wants. It's the equivalent of a little girl in her mommy's high heels wearing red lipstick. I personally feel Western sexuality is so in your face because most people are still uncomfortable with their sexuality.
4. I frequently use sexual manipulation to gain in life. I make no apologies for this, it's like breathing for me, sometimes I am not aware I am doing it. One thing I have learned in life is that Women aren't as physically strong as men, one of the things women have in their toolbox that works to gain in life is sexual manipulation. The mentality I am talking about in this blog, disempowers women.
5. I wear clothes that could be considered slutty because they make me feel good about myself. If I am wearing a short skirt and low cut shirt, I have more confidence than if I am laying around in sweat pants (which I have on at this moment). I hate wearing jeans, always have. So I wear clothing that qualifies as someone who 'deserves it' in the eyes of some women. Men aren't chasing me down the street to rape me on a continuous basis. Personal experience bitches.
6. Get a weapon and wear it in a visible manner. For fucks sake people, the best form of protection from physical assault is being able and ready to defend yourself. Remember the confidence I talked about earlier?? Yeah, exactly.
7. Common fucking sense. Don't walk down the street in a bad neighborhood at night dressed to provoke a man's sexual desires. If you got to go in an area like that at night, dress like an undercover cop. Ponytail, mirrored sunglasses, jeans, blazer, visible side arm.
Now I know some people are going to claim personal responsibility on this one and I agree. I have not put all responsibility on men in this blog, the opposite is actually the case. A woman is responsible for being capable of protecting herself. This rarely has to do with what you wear. This has to do with your ability to knock someone the fuck out. Project the aura of Warrior not victim.
/End rant
What the fuck is wrong with you people? Is this the motherfucking dark ages? Are you a member of the Taliban?? This mentality is what keeps women in the Middle East wearing fucking beekeeper outfits as everyday wear. This is remnants of the mentality that got women burned at the stake for not fitting in and conforming to the standard of the day. This is the reason people were stoned.
It disgusts me for a lot of reasons. It paints men as some kind of monster that doesn't have the self control to realize that just because a woman is displaying her goods, doesn't mean they're for sale. It paints men as the type of creature that just bangs women over the head and has their way with them because they can't control their urges.
It puts an odd level of responsibility on a woman's shoulders. I'm supposed to what, figure out the line that won't make men lose control and only wear things in that clothing range. I'm supposed to, after being physically assaulted sit around and try to figure out if I did something to turn that guy on?
I'm drawing my line in the sand and calling bullshit on ALL OF THIS.
1. Rape is not about sexual desire in 'traditional'terms. Rape is a form of violence, it just happens to be a sexual assault as opposed to physical assault. It's not that a woman looked so good a guy was completely overwhelmed by sexual desire and his brain turned off. Rape is about dominance, d00d's wires are crossed and violence turns them on. In my self defense class I learned several techniques to prevent physical assault (rape is a physical assault). One was to not protect the image of a victim. Has nothing to do with what you wear, it has to do with body language, look straight ahead, shoulders back, project an aura of confidence, not victimization. The other one was if someone does grab you and starts raping you don't cry, don't struggle, don't beg. Just lay there. A good number of times they will lose arousal as a result of this.
2. I have been completely naked in front of lots of men for a living. Most treat you with an odd kind of reverence when you are half dressed or undressed. Men don't lose all of their faculties at the sight of a woman nude. They can still THINK. Hell, they can discuss the stock market with you or their job with no problem.
3. American women are weird. They think that projecting an overly sexual image is an indication of being sexually mature. Y'all know what I'm talking about. The woman who tells you how much she likes to give head. The woman who tells you about all the threesomes she's had. The woman who calls herself shit like dirty girl. This kind of sexuality is indicative of being sexually immature and not really knowing what she wants. It's the equivalent of a little girl in her mommy's high heels wearing red lipstick. I personally feel Western sexuality is so in your face because most people are still uncomfortable with their sexuality.
4. I frequently use sexual manipulation to gain in life. I make no apologies for this, it's like breathing for me, sometimes I am not aware I am doing it. One thing I have learned in life is that Women aren't as physically strong as men, one of the things women have in their toolbox that works to gain in life is sexual manipulation. The mentality I am talking about in this blog, disempowers women.
5. I wear clothes that could be considered slutty because they make me feel good about myself. If I am wearing a short skirt and low cut shirt, I have more confidence than if I am laying around in sweat pants (which I have on at this moment). I hate wearing jeans, always have. So I wear clothing that qualifies as someone who 'deserves it' in the eyes of some women. Men aren't chasing me down the street to rape me on a continuous basis. Personal experience bitches.
6. Get a weapon and wear it in a visible manner. For fucks sake people, the best form of protection from physical assault is being able and ready to defend yourself. Remember the confidence I talked about earlier?? Yeah, exactly.
7. Common fucking sense. Don't walk down the street in a bad neighborhood at night dressed to provoke a man's sexual desires. If you got to go in an area like that at night, dress like an undercover cop. Ponytail, mirrored sunglasses, jeans, blazer, visible side arm.
Now I know some people are going to claim personal responsibility on this one and I agree. I have not put all responsibility on men in this blog, the opposite is actually the case. A woman is responsible for being capable of protecting herself. This rarely has to do with what you wear. This has to do with your ability to knock someone the fuck out. Project the aura of Warrior not victim.
/End rant
Friday, January 25, 2013
Feminism And Satanism
Feminism is defined by Mirriam Webster as the theory of political, economic and social equality of the sexes. There's nothing more to it than that definition. There is a common theme that I see LHPers hit when it comes to Feminism, they bring up the Femi-Nazi and then declare themselves a Non-Feminist. The question a Satanist woman should ask themselves is do women deserve political, economic and social equality? If the answer is yes, congratulations you are a Feminist.
Nowhere in that definition does it say women are superior to men, the same as men (equality is not sameness), or any of the common misconceptions I see when it comes to Feminism. So where does the flannel wearing, man hating feminist come from?
The answer to that is a complex one. Modern Society is based on Maleness, it's a Patriarchy. Due to this being a Patriarchal society, femaleness and what is considered woman has become defined by men, not women. Like anything else, men don't truly understand what it is to be woman, anymore than I understand what it is to be a man. As a result of what is woman being defined by men, the average woman has decided in order to be equal to a man, they have to be exactly like a man.
This is where I call bullshit on the majority of Feminist thought. I have no desire to be a man. I like being a woman, I like the mystery, the intrigue that surrounds women in general. I like things that are considered girly. I am more empathetic than most of my male counterparts. I am more emotional than most of my male counterparts. I have no desire to change those things about me.
So I sit in a sea of dos and don'ts, be this way, don't be this way, day in and day out. When you add Satanism a male dominated school of thought, one could say why bother? Why even use that label? Say fuck it and go call yourself a Lilithist. Say fuck it to all of these men constantly acting in a predatory nature upon you and other women. The average Satanist doesn't seem to respect women anymore than the average citizen of society does.
Why bother? Simple. Satanism is a Warrior's Ethos. Female Warriors have been around since the dawn of time. Mythology gives us a number of examples. History points to entire cultures where Female Warriors were hailed, venerated and common. It simply isn't now. The Female Warrior had died out as an archetype. That's the essence of the problem that a Female Satanist faces when building her own paradigm. A lack of models, a lack of Modern Archetypes that show what the Hell she is.
As my understanding of Satanism has grown I have discovered that the enemy (all Warriors have a good villain to fight.) is the Patriarchal values that permeate our culture, the same ones that permeate my own mind. It's not Jehova, it's not Theism, it's not Christianity, it's the very fabric of our culture that needs to be fought against.
How do you fight that? The first one for me was to take by womanhood from everyone else told me it was and define it for myself. To take back the power of those Archetypes and create one that was worthy in my own mind. Can a woman be both fierce and emotional? Why not? Can a woman be both a good mother and someone who actively fights day in and day out? Absolutely? Can a woman be sexually free and heterosexual and monogamous? Why not?
This is where Feminism fits into my paradigm. I see it as a perfectly acceptable way to fight these ideas that have oppressed both sexes. It's a great way to fight for the things that matter to me, which is equality for both sexes, a reinterpretation of what woman is bursting forth and changing the way woman is viewed forever.
My name is FemaleSatan and I am a Feminist.
Nowhere in that definition does it say women are superior to men, the same as men (equality is not sameness), or any of the common misconceptions I see when it comes to Feminism. So where does the flannel wearing, man hating feminist come from?
The answer to that is a complex one. Modern Society is based on Maleness, it's a Patriarchy. Due to this being a Patriarchal society, femaleness and what is considered woman has become defined by men, not women. Like anything else, men don't truly understand what it is to be woman, anymore than I understand what it is to be a man. As a result of what is woman being defined by men, the average woman has decided in order to be equal to a man, they have to be exactly like a man.
This is where I call bullshit on the majority of Feminist thought. I have no desire to be a man. I like being a woman, I like the mystery, the intrigue that surrounds women in general. I like things that are considered girly. I am more empathetic than most of my male counterparts. I am more emotional than most of my male counterparts. I have no desire to change those things about me.
So I sit in a sea of dos and don'ts, be this way, don't be this way, day in and day out. When you add Satanism a male dominated school of thought, one could say why bother? Why even use that label? Say fuck it and go call yourself a Lilithist. Say fuck it to all of these men constantly acting in a predatory nature upon you and other women. The average Satanist doesn't seem to respect women anymore than the average citizen of society does.
Why bother? Simple. Satanism is a Warrior's Ethos. Female Warriors have been around since the dawn of time. Mythology gives us a number of examples. History points to entire cultures where Female Warriors were hailed, venerated and common. It simply isn't now. The Female Warrior had died out as an archetype. That's the essence of the problem that a Female Satanist faces when building her own paradigm. A lack of models, a lack of Modern Archetypes that show what the Hell she is.
As my understanding of Satanism has grown I have discovered that the enemy (all Warriors have a good villain to fight.) is the Patriarchal values that permeate our culture, the same ones that permeate my own mind. It's not Jehova, it's not Theism, it's not Christianity, it's the very fabric of our culture that needs to be fought against.
How do you fight that? The first one for me was to take by womanhood from everyone else told me it was and define it for myself. To take back the power of those Archetypes and create one that was worthy in my own mind. Can a woman be both fierce and emotional? Why not? Can a woman be both a good mother and someone who actively fights day in and day out? Absolutely? Can a woman be sexually free and heterosexual and monogamous? Why not?
This is where Feminism fits into my paradigm. I see it as a perfectly acceptable way to fight these ideas that have oppressed both sexes. It's a great way to fight for the things that matter to me, which is equality for both sexes, a reinterpretation of what woman is bursting forth and changing the way woman is viewed forever.
My name is FemaleSatan and I am a Feminist.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Little Girls
When I watch my daughters play with other little girls, I begin to think about the Female Archetypes that exist. See, girls play less aggressively than little boys do. They imitate being mommies, they pretend to be Models, they play with Barbies and dolls.
It makes me wonder how little girls played when some of my favorite Archetypes were part of their Society's structure. Goddesses like Inanna, Ishtar, Artemis, Athena, etc. Were girls as aggressive as boys when a Female Warrior Archetype was accepted. Did they pretend to shoot bows and arrows, like my sons do with guns? Did they wrestle with each other? Punch each other in the arm? Did those girls say when I grow up I wanna be a Warrior? Or when I grow up I wanna be a prostitute?
Some of the associations that Femaleness has in this current Western, Secular Society I live in make sense. Motherhood is obvious. Weakness physically, especially in comparison to men makes sense as well. The constant sexual object association I get as well.
Take the Virgin Mary. I think about her as an Archetype quite a bit. I sometimes think she broke Femalehood, lol. Her SON according to this weird Mythology that is the basis of the Society I live in, died for no damn good reason. Just to please a Sky Daddy, that is an ass. He impregnates this poor woman, in order to have her son DIE for him. She is powerless throughout the entire story, a broken, weak, joke of a woman. She's not sexual, cause she was a Virgin. She's not powerful, she can't even stop the Death of her son. She just lays there throughout the New Testament, a colorless, lifeless vessel for this thing that is beyond her control.
Let me tell you something, I can put myself in her shoes and I don't fucking get it. How do you just stand by while your son is murdered and chalk it up to God's Will? Did she cry? Did she tear her hair out? Did she beat at the Guard's with her fists to stop them? Was she arrested for attempting to stop this thing from happening? Not according to most versions of that story. I would be fighting as much as I could for my boy. I just think about it, if she actually existed, she is the embodiment of Powerlessness, the Great Sorrow of being helpless when it comes to your child, your sexuality, etc.
Everyone knows its all about programming docile citizens for this Society, Hell for all Societies. The Virgin Mary is brilliant for taking away the power attached to Femaleness. She takes away the inherent right a woman has to control her own destiny and the destiny of her Child.
I only become MORE aggressive the more Physically Adept I become. It's like an end result of wanting to be a Modern Female Warrior and fighting like Hell to become one. But, the times in my life I have literally felt Homicidal Rage, were over my kids. Pre or Post, physical fitness. Didn't matter if I was 200 lobs or not. I will kill a Motherfucker for my kids.
When they were born this surge of Protectiveness mixed with Rage has overcame me. When that child was put in my arms, I thought the following, I will kill for you, I will steal for you, NO price is to great to see you thrive.
where's THAT in the Modern Mother Archetype? Cause I have never met a Mother, who wasn't the same way (expect for maybe mine, lol).
I want to be a Female Warrior and I am slowly becoming one. One step at a time. It's my journey, the one I am on now. And my main beef with Society lies in the fact that Female Archetypes are incomplete, spoiled by a Man's view of what Woman is or should be. It's time for women to start to define this for ourselves and say fuck it to Archetypes that lack our input, that are funhouse mirrors of Femininity. For MY daughters to have better than I did. For them to not experience the confusion I did for a long time at what Woman is and isn't.
It's why I do what I do. Isn't the Mother of a child the most fundamental Archetype they encounter? Their first Goddess before Religion begins to take over their little minds?
So I try to find ANY portrayals of Women as Warriors that I can. Here's one I found the other day that kinda stunned me. Katy Perry's video for her song Part Of Me. How fucking awesome is the message here? Well for me it sits at 10,00%. Bitch gets cheated on and dumped, Bitch cuts off all her hair, tapes down her boobs and becomes a ..... Marine!! A Modern Female Warrior! Not perfect but better than Mary needlessly mourning her son after succumbing to a Man's will.
It makes me wonder how little girls played when some of my favorite Archetypes were part of their Society's structure. Goddesses like Inanna, Ishtar, Artemis, Athena, etc. Were girls as aggressive as boys when a Female Warrior Archetype was accepted. Did they pretend to shoot bows and arrows, like my sons do with guns? Did they wrestle with each other? Punch each other in the arm? Did those girls say when I grow up I wanna be a Warrior? Or when I grow up I wanna be a prostitute?
Some of the associations that Femaleness has in this current Western, Secular Society I live in make sense. Motherhood is obvious. Weakness physically, especially in comparison to men makes sense as well. The constant sexual object association I get as well.
Take the Virgin Mary. I think about her as an Archetype quite a bit. I sometimes think she broke Femalehood, lol. Her SON according to this weird Mythology that is the basis of the Society I live in, died for no damn good reason. Just to please a Sky Daddy, that is an ass. He impregnates this poor woman, in order to have her son DIE for him. She is powerless throughout the entire story, a broken, weak, joke of a woman. She's not sexual, cause she was a Virgin. She's not powerful, she can't even stop the Death of her son. She just lays there throughout the New Testament, a colorless, lifeless vessel for this thing that is beyond her control.
Let me tell you something, I can put myself in her shoes and I don't fucking get it. How do you just stand by while your son is murdered and chalk it up to God's Will? Did she cry? Did she tear her hair out? Did she beat at the Guard's with her fists to stop them? Was she arrested for attempting to stop this thing from happening? Not according to most versions of that story. I would be fighting as much as I could for my boy. I just think about it, if she actually existed, she is the embodiment of Powerlessness, the Great Sorrow of being helpless when it comes to your child, your sexuality, etc.
Everyone knows its all about programming docile citizens for this Society, Hell for all Societies. The Virgin Mary is brilliant for taking away the power attached to Femaleness. She takes away the inherent right a woman has to control her own destiny and the destiny of her Child.
I only become MORE aggressive the more Physically Adept I become. It's like an end result of wanting to be a Modern Female Warrior and fighting like Hell to become one. But, the times in my life I have literally felt Homicidal Rage, were over my kids. Pre or Post, physical fitness. Didn't matter if I was 200 lobs or not. I will kill a Motherfucker for my kids.
When they were born this surge of Protectiveness mixed with Rage has overcame me. When that child was put in my arms, I thought the following, I will kill for you, I will steal for you, NO price is to great to see you thrive.
where's THAT in the Modern Mother Archetype? Cause I have never met a Mother, who wasn't the same way (expect for maybe mine, lol).
I want to be a Female Warrior and I am slowly becoming one. One step at a time. It's my journey, the one I am on now. And my main beef with Society lies in the fact that Female Archetypes are incomplete, spoiled by a Man's view of what Woman is or should be. It's time for women to start to define this for ourselves and say fuck it to Archetypes that lack our input, that are funhouse mirrors of Femininity. For MY daughters to have better than I did. For them to not experience the confusion I did for a long time at what Woman is and isn't.
It's why I do what I do. Isn't the Mother of a child the most fundamental Archetype they encounter? Their first Goddess before Religion begins to take over their little minds?
So I try to find ANY portrayals of Women as Warriors that I can. Here's one I found the other day that kinda stunned me. Katy Perry's video for her song Part Of Me. How fucking awesome is the message here? Well for me it sits at 10,00%. Bitch gets cheated on and dumped, Bitch cuts off all her hair, tapes down her boobs and becomes a ..... Marine!! A Modern Female Warrior! Not perfect but better than Mary needlessly mourning her son after succumbing to a Man's will.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
I'm A Barbie Girl ...
*written as an email respose to a friend. *
In my family Barbie is on her third generation. My mother played with them, I played with them and now my daughter is an avid fan.
In spite of Feminists rants against the blonde icon, my Great Grandmother loved the thing. She bought them for my mother because she thought Barbie defied the you have to be a mother and a housewife ideas that were perpetuated.
See before Barbie the only dolls were baby dolls. My Great Grandmother hated the idea of giving her granddaughter a baby doll. She was a Feminist, she wanted more for her granddaughters.
Now when I was a kid Barbie was the bane of all Feminists. An icon of sluttiness. I remember my Mother ranting that a human woman couldn't walk with Barbie's proportions. I remember the "Math is hard " fiasco (there was a Barbie put out that said Math is hard, big drama) .
Due to this Feminist insanity at the time, my mother said no to Barbie. But my Great Grandmother was a different story. She bought me one for Christmas when I was six. She told me her view on Barbie.
See there's a "Career line " that they produce. Barbie has been a Doctor, a Lawyer, a Scientist, in every branch of the military, an astronaut, a School Teacher, worked at McDonald's, the list is endless.
I remember the rants, I remember the hot pink toy aisle. I remember my father giving in to my Great Grandmother, to me and my sister's joy.
I look at my daughters Barbies and I see the Feminists won. Her waist is larger, her feet are larger, her breasts are smaller, her face isn't as pretty.
However, girls have lost big time. Barbie has been replaced. By Bratz dolls, which don't have careers and dress sluttier than any Barbie I ever had. Or Goth Dolls. Or Monster High (they're the daughters of characters like Frankenstein. ).
Barbie has been ripped off, tossed aside and forgotten. The failure to see that Barbie was revolutionary. Her roots are in a sex doll. She was the first not a baby doll, doll. She was used by the company to promote a Feminist agenda, only to be cannibalized by them. The whole idea was to show that girls could be more than just Mothers.
The Feminists of today can rant and rave about the portrayal of women in the media all they want. All of us are forgetting something. We had CHOICE, while women before us didn't. We had ICONS showing us we could be more than our predecessors. We were blessed to live in the post feminist revolution era.
I am of the firm opinion that a recognition of icons like Barbie is necessary. Hasn't the time come to get the hidden message Barbie contained? That a woman can be sexual, even beautiful and have a career, a brain in her head. That there is nothing wrong with being feminine and a Feminist.
Barbie isn't the enemy, the media isn't the enemy, men aren't the enemy, we are. Tearing down each other for how we look, being catty, and continuing to perpetuate the very stereotypes we as women claim to hate or wish to defy.
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