The Schism

Within Satanism there are two primary schools of thought emerging. One school of thought views Satanism as a Philosophy, the other views Satanism as a Praxis. Lately, the two have been butting heads in a major way and one that surprises me. I truly think that Satanism is both a Philosophy and a Praxis. Like anything else, in order to truly be able to say a label defines you, one has to live that label, embrace it as an action, thinking is simply not enough.

The philosophical Satanist has obvious roots. People like Bloom, Rand, LaVey, Jason King and others have put forth a viewpoint that the World is Satanic. that embracing the way things truly are is to embrace things like conflict, adversity, strife, and other concepts that have ground shaking consequences on the psyche. To understand that the World is Satanic is to embrace the World as it really is, to realize that your base human nature is somehow glorious, even Godly (hate that word) in nature.

The Praxis oriented Satanist has its roots in Vamachara, Anton Long, Dan Dread, Diavolo and others. The viewpoint is that one cannot claim a label unless they live that label. While the ONA put forth a very specific list of things to do in order to achieve this level of knowledge with the Seven Fold Sinister Way, more modern authors equate this to busting personal chains on the psyche. Some will be common to most people living in a certain society, others will be more personal and individual.

Okay, brief history and shout outs to various thinkers is done.

When I read these various authors one overarching theme comes to mind. The RHP has its roots in repressing human nature and rejecting it outright. The LHP seems to be more about embracing that human nature and rejecting the status quo.

Neither school of thought has its roots in just thinking thoughts in order to be _________. Can a good Christian be out lusting after others, drinking, smoking, fighting, cheating and stealing? No. Can a decent Satanist have a life that basically resembles everyone else's, never go outside of their comfort zone and still use that label and use it meaningfully? No.

It's that simple. I can do it with ANY school of thought. Can a Wiccan worship just the God or do they have to embrace the Sacred Feminine as well? Can a Thelemite just read some Crowley and that's it? No, each involves action of some kind, rather it's a lifestyle, ritual work, or something else.

So I obviously fall into the Praxis camp. Why? I was raised to never do anything luke-warm. You love, you go all in. You hate, you go all in. You want to have children, you go all in. No half assing anything. It's not enough to call yourself something and be done with it. ANYTHING worth labeling yourself has to be something that describes you and the way you act, that, if necessary, defines and changes your life.

When I came to the realization that the World was somehow reflecting the phenomenon trying to be captured with the word Satan, another realization followed. It's not enough to recognize, one has to be it, one has to act as Satan would. One has to rage war with the status quo, even if it's the parts of it that exists in their own mind.

Taking it a step forward, my own veneer put on this phenomenon is that it is female and declaring war on a male status quo, the patriarchy as it currently stands. If Satan represents Nature or the World, than Satan is female, as is all Goddesses who have represented the Earth. Even if they are dried, decaying shells of what I feel when I contemplate this. Rage, anger, hatred are all part and parcel for my own personal conception of this Female Satan that clunks around in my head.

My Own Personal Issues With Both Schools of Thought

I find the philosophical Satanist and their understanding of the World to be vital to understanding why one should DO the DO, so to speak. One has to find a growing hatred with things that want to oppress human nature, with ways of life that oppress this phenomenon all of us attempt to describe, that want to force you into some kind of box and make you conform to their standards.

Once that hatred is found, declaring a personal war on the status quo is the next logical step. Deciding that you will cut your own Path, do your own thing, try to discover who you really are free of these societal memes is a logical next step. What's the point in being able to point to and understand something if you do not act on that realization?

My own personal contention with the Philosophical Satanist is that to many do just that. They recognize the phenomenon and then stop. They do nothing else whatsoever. They may rant and rage about this and that, but ultimately they are full of hot air. Like the teenager who HATES their parents but never sneaks out, never dyes their hair an outrageous color, they just keep doing what their parents say. All of the rebelling takes place inside their mind. So it fails ultimately.

The Praxis Satanist has another pox that exists in its camp. It's people that make the claim that they are doing all of these grand, evil, Sinister shit but they're really not. They're chest thumping and honestly, are more fucking annoying than almost anything else I run into. I find people that run around bragging or acting like they are completely immoral to be missing some fundamental thing I have found since I started breaking my own psychological chains.

I spend most of my time when this is done and done right feeling anything but victorious. It makes me feel melancholic, lonely, bitter, small, defenseless, weak, and scared. I want to go back and not know what I now know. I want to cry and beat my head against a wall for hours. I feel less like a bad ass everyday and more vulnerable than ever, more fragile, more human. NOBODY ever told me that's what the 'doing' of Satanism gets you. NOBODY attached a warning label to it. They all ran around talking about how awesome and free they feel. The bastards lied to me, they beat their chests and denied the darker aspects of this shit. Sometimes in my darkest moments I wonder if I am somehow not doing this the right way. All of my realizations are just how small, weak and pathetic I really am.

Conclusion

Both schools of thought have something to offer and one should read all of these perspectives in order to understand what they are getting into and why it is important. Go farther than just reading some shit though, don't be luke-warm about your Satanism. There should be more fire in the belly of a Satanist than a Christian. Let them live lives that are not reflecting their chosen Paths.

FS

Recent Events

So, in light of recent events I wanted to talk about others. I have had a shit load of well ... shit thrown at me for my personal life, I have had threads written about me, blogs written about me, etc.

Now my question to others is this, why do you care? Why does what I do matter to you so much? Why am I even on your mind to this extent?

Let me be frank, when it comes to you, I don't give a fuck. I don't care who you sleep with, what your income is, what your life choices are, or any of that. You don't matter to me, shit the few personal details I have on people I can barely remember.

Why? I don't know you. All I know is what you write. The internet is not really a place to get to know others personally. It's a format where one can exchange ideas, information, maybe refine their rhetoric, other than that it's worthless.

I am a member of a popular Satanic networking site. I have two radio shows. I blog my ass off. That doesn't mean you know me. That means I use these formats for my own personal reasons.

The Sinister Feminine needs representation and development. Satanism is a joke in this current Male dominated incarnation. There is something I find inherently feminine about the ideas that the word Satan represents.

That's why I am here. Satanism has to shift away from this "maleness" that permeates it. I am on the interwebz to do that. For one voice on that testosterone fueled site to compare understanding the ONA to Motherhood. For one voice on that  radio show to represent the Darkness as a woman, vicious and strong.

Don't like my approach? Don't like the fact that I don't fuck jaded nerds? Don't like the fact that I am not just a cyber whore who kisses your ass? Don't like the fact that I think an orientation towards culture is just as important as transgression? Don't like the fact that I sexually manipulate mundanes? Think I am a joke of some kind? A fangirl?

Fuck you. I am not stopping, stepping back or backing down. I am not going to go away just because you don't approve. Like I said before, YOU don't matter. I don't care about your little opinions based on no real life experience.

You're not even worthy of this blog. I am just enough of a drama queen to write this. Why? You're thinking about me, you're posting your opinions on me. I am not doing the same about you (this the obvious exception) . You're spreading my ideas and I have received pm's from people asking what I am going to do, why I put up with it, etc.

This is why just caught another little Sinister flower as a result of this (one chick read the bullshit, read my blog and I sent her to other sites) . She may not do anything with it, but my goal is just one more woman. Just one, women are hives. ;)

LOL, I Love Conflict

I want to talk about the lolapalooza that is the average Modern Satinist attack against "Niners " in general. Keeps happening lately. ;)

The insult thrown out the most is, "I am an Individual and bow and follow nobody. " This is always followed by laughable insults of a personal nature, accusations of being a fan girl or boy, or hanging off someone's nuts.

Now, the Individuality argument always fails because these people that throw out the Individuality, I am a wolf among the herd bullshit, always tow "the herd's " line. They are against violence. They are against Racism, Anarchism, Nazism and a host of things that the largest collective in the World subscribes to, the very essence of the Magian made manifest in an individual's psyche.

I don't know a single individual, regardless of their leanings, that would say "Yep, I am a sheep, following a herd." Every one of those sheep, feel they are making their own choices. Every one of those sheep feel they are individualist.

See, part of the trick the system offers is the Perception of Choice. Basically, all of are told, "Choose whatever you want to be. There's nobody controlling you. " It's a lie. I have kids and I let them choose what to eat on occasion. I give them three or four choices and let them pick from them. Last night, my son got me on this one. He said, "My choice?" I said yes. He said, "I want chocolate cake for dinner. " I said, "That's not a choice available. "

That's the essence of what the system does. It lays out a few options and let's you choose from them, while hiding the existence of Chocolate Cake.

So, you have a whole group of people that claim to be Satanists, while towing the party line. Saying things like, "I don't oppose the system, I want to manipulate it and than become it." Um, yeah that's another lie the system tells. Do this set of things and you'll "Master the System." No, you'll be a more willing slave.

I read something about the Civil War, that said House Niggers were less likely to run from their Masters. There was an account of a maid that even after the War, being set free and all that, she refused to leave the family that owned her. Worked for them until she died.

That's who you become if you decide to go that route. You become the type who feels superior to other slaves and free, but you're more bound than a "lesser " slave is. That's all most Satinists are. People who have decided they can or will dominate the System. When the reality is, they never ask for chocolate cake, they don't even know it exists.

I want cake, most "Niners " I know want cake. That's the thing, most of the things that get the, "Oh My God, the ONA is Evil RUN!!!", reaction are the real Devils of today. Even the idea of a Kollective or collaboration hits that note of fear with Satinists.

Why? They know, way deep down they are sheep. They know they are chained and enslaved, I believe everybody does deep down. The thing that always struck me about the movie The Matrix, was how you never notice how fake the simulated world  looks, until Neo goes back in. The second (and every other time)  time I watched The Matrix, I noticed all kinds of fakeness, from the very start of the movie.

So, they know, it whispers in the back of their minds "I am a willing slave. " This is why they fight so hard against anything that truly opposes society and the status quo, that's why the thought of being part of a collective scares them.  Anything truly heretical is "to far."

It's my biggest beef with Modern Satanism. When I decided to go online, I expected to get offended, I expected to be manipulated, I expected to get used, talked shit about when I wasn't around, etc. I did not expect Satanists to be politically correct. I did not think Satanists would run screaming from ideas that are truly radical, heretical, gross and profane.

Isn't that why the label is Satanism and not called Super Serial Individualism? Because Satan  represents what people fear, what they hate and despise. So, the individuals taking that label on become feared, hated and despised.

I can always tell a real Satanist from a Satinist in a fundamental way. A "true" Satanists sets off my fight or fly instinct instantly. They make me feel a touch of fear as soon as I read what they wrote or see them face to face. I never lose that entirely, I am always a touch scared, while being intrigued and interested at the same time. It's instinctual.

The funniest part of all, is ONA uses these heretical forms people want to claim to be Satanists run from, in order to create Individuals. Not the Magian bullshit version, but people who have truly made their own choices. They have crossed their mental lines, transgressed society's norms and are in an active process of learning who they really are, freeing themselves of Causal abstractions, while choosing their own. The ONA is breeding individuals who are true Individuals, who understand that collaboration is critical. Everyone seeks their own kind out, socialization is a fundamental human need. Collaboration is necessary for the System, and the Enemy to be toppled once and for all.

So keep misunderstanding, keep talking shit. You just show your level of ignorance, your lack of understanding of fundamentals of human nature.

FS3.0

Learning Through Adversity

Any knowledge that is not rooted in experience is suspect. One sentence that boils the essence of a Praxis to it's most basic wording.

The issue with most of humanity is putting stock in their own opinions and what one thinks about any subject. There is even a delightful selection of labels to choose from, that let people know how you think about things. Most are bound to these rather Democrat, Republican, Christian or Satanist. A label based on thought, rather than action.

But what do most do? What is their true knowledge? Do these labels for thinking in a Super Serial manner indicate who that individual is?

As I interact with others, I see most of these terms of identification are meaningless to most. Is there a difference between a Democrat and a Republican? Not really. What about a Christian and a Satanist? Not for most. I despise it.

I have never really cared what "affiliation " one claims as long as they are living it, applying the philosophical constructs they espouse, in their daily lives. I can't stand a lying, cheating, selfish Christian, the same as I can't stand Satanists who still espouse morality, living within the law and the upholding of society's values over the individual and self sovereignty.

It annoys me because anything I truly believe I live. My life has been complicated, difficult, full of just as much success as failure, mind twisting at it's most difficult, full of heartbreak, strife, and adversity, but I have survived all of it. Grown stronger due to the hardship.

The funny thing about learning through real adversity, is you don't become "nice " or "good." You become harder, more willing to do whatever it takes to survive, to thrive, to do better. You lose the comfort of depending on others, rather society or people, in favor of you and your own judgment.

One year ago, I joined SIN. So I could interact with Satanists. I learn better by doing and interacting, not reading. Things I read have to relate to my life, or I don't really "get it." If I can find a mental bridge between the idea being presented and my own life, it clicks pretty quickly.

Finding and exploring Satanism has been the single most liberating experience of my life. I lacked the language to explain my own personal philosophical thoughts. Satanism has always felt more like RE-membering,  than learning something knew. I said on the Ooze once, "I feel like I am remembering what I always knew. " That still rings true.

At the end of the day, rhetoric is just rhetoric, opinions are just opinions, ideas are just ideas, and it's mostly meaningless bullshit.  Knowledge is a personal thing, based on experience, not what others know or think. Let your Satanism bleed out, color and affect every aspect of your life. I firmly believe there is no aspect of life that is free from being infected. No part of my life where I don't apply that Praxis, nothing that isn't altered by my own knowledge and experience.

FS3.0

Influence

Everyone in the world thinks they are unaffected, that they are free mentally, and individuals. The truth is everyone is influenced, everyone is inspired, affected and shaped by others, by the life they live.

I used to buy the Satanists are born not made idea. I used to believe one could become completely free of "environmental " memetics . I don't anymore. Would I be who I am right now, if I had made different choices? If I had lived a different life? No, so how can I say while being intellectually honest that I was born a Satanist? No,  I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that my life experiences made me who I am. I can honestly say I don't really give a fuck one way or another either. I'm over it. 

I'm "over" a lot at this point. I have influences, there are people who have deeply affected my view on the World. Rather through what they said or a lesson interaction with them imparted. That's how memetics are spread. Someone says something, writes something, or you experience something and bam! it hits you deeply, in an intuitive, almost indescribable manner. It gives words to a previously wordless conclusion.

Resonance is not manipulation. It's more emotional than logical. Even if the writer intends to manipulate (which really just means they "get" memetics and have focused theirs) . The writer has no control of how a work has been interpreted. Rarely if ever do two individuals get the same thing out of a work. Some are influenced and inspired, some think it's crap.

Let me give you an example, I love Crowley. I was a Thelemite for awhile (I liked Babalon) . However, I never dug his Magickal writings much. I loved his fiction and his autobiography. Moonchild is still a favorite of mine.  It hit me in that emotional place, I found the World created beautiful.

The memetics he inserted (and you can bet your ass there is. Moonchild is Thelma 101 in so many ways) , explained Thelema better than all his Magickal shit put together, for me personally. Most Thelemites would say it was The Book of Law.

The point is nobody is memetically resistant. There is a constant bombardment being thrown at you. You can't become "free" of these influences. They're everywhere. It's a matter of finding a way to fight back, establish a worldview that makes you more skeptical, less programmable.

The other part, for me at least is choice. I choose what memetics I am exposed to. I avoid television, radio, mainstream news, etc as much as possible. I avoid institutions I disagree with, don't shop at stores whose business practices I abhor, and avoid memetics I know I don't want to have to fight off. This enables me to choose my battles, and have more energy when I do fight.

It's one of the reasons I am not online as much. I would prefer to do my battling in real life at the moment. Plus, most threads consistent of two people arguing over their opinions. Rarely is the end result one or the other changing their mind. Those were the back and forths I enjoyed having, when someone actually changed their mind.

I have my own goals and reasons that I write. I do most things with a purpose now, have been for awhile.The main one being the fact that very few women do participate and I want to see more women participating. Why? I am a selfish bitch and want to read what they write. I want to read about how the ONA affects other women and their lives. So I do it myself in order to influence through example.

So,  I have started targeting women specifically. I will go comment on their shit and see how they react. Three have really surprised me as of late, they are brilliant in their own ways.

Anyway, this blog is done. I know it's rambling and goes off topic but I don't care. Now that I don't link my blogs up to other sites I feel free.

FS3.0

For Mr. B or Revolutionary Rhetoric

Second response to Mr.B, focusing on him mentioning the ONA3.0 phenomenon at SIN. As always this is simply my take on things, others in the Kollective may disagree.

Revolutionary Rhetoric

Satan as an archetype (or in my case Master Idea, read my blog My Thoughts on Satan for more) has some very specific concepts involved. Evil. Opposition. Adversary. Accuser. Everyone knows what those are. Now, one that is being brought to light at places like SIN is Rebellion.

What is God as a Master Idea, in a secular society? The Government, the State. Law and Order. So.... what do the Adversaries of this God thang do at this point? Oppose the Religious God, one aspect of that Master Idea that has become an useless, dried husk? NO!! They continue to oppose God, the High God of this secular society, they begin to oppose, to rail against Society itself, and the. Government. It's laws, it's institutions, it's new status quo memes. Rather they are political correctness, Egalitarian values, the consumer culture each of us comes into contact with. These are the things that need to be burned down now, these are the sacred cows that need to be butchered.

You also have to look at the state of the economy, the populous, etc. Lots of people are pissed at how things are now. Anonymous and the Occupied Movement one example. The rise in membership in Extremist organization is on the rise. In the US, the economy sucks, we just got out of a housing crisis. Everyone is scared that it's going to come crashing down, most are just trying to ignore the shit going on. But the winds of destruction are in the air, and some people want to make it happen faster. This idea of Revolution, is in more than the Satanic community, it's everywhere.

Now, for me personally, my Praxis has a few base elements that have never changed. Burning off memes to get to my "core self " is a fundamental. Some memes can be read out, some a little critical thinking pulls out, some can be debated out. However, the most insidious memes, the ones with roots so deep, you think they are innate personality characteristics, have to be "done out ". In order to rid yourself of those requires more effort than most Satanists take.

So, some of the rhetoric 3.0 uses revolves around, making people ask themselves do they really oppose God in this society, by upholding it's laws, it's values? How are you transgressing to burn off memes?

For me personally, I just want to see the shit burn. I am utterly disgusted with most of humanity and just how apathetic they are. When I go in public places I feel like I am surrounded by a sea of zombies (wouldn't be so bad if this train of thought didn't give me nightmares) . I.want out. I am willing to do anything to achieve that goal of slipping off the map, so I can be more free than most.

FS3.0

For Mr.B or Forms, Essence, Etc

Reading around this morning I found somebody critiquing ONA3.0 and the ones who use SIN specifically. He referred to it as the ONA3.0 phenomenon. As with all things, I simply speak for myself and am offering my own perspective here. Others in the Kollective may disagree.
Form vs Essence

I understand the concept of form vs essence through my children. Each of them has the same DNA, the same genetic code but they are different. Different personalities, different looks, different intererests. They are being raised in the same way, by the same parents. However, are they the same? No, not at all. Those personality differences, their personality quirks, make them who they are.

Using children as an analogy, essence is the DNA they each have, form is their individual personalities, and their parenting and parents would be the ONA and the five core principles. This isn't hard to get, or difficult to understand.
The most important thing to remember is that language is an abstraction, it's the base of one's worldview. I can't tell you what essence is being described. You have to live it, manifest that acausal presence in your own life.

That essence is one that Satanism simply attempts to describe. Satanism is simply one form out there. Other forms work just as well, as long as they capture that essence.

FS3.0
P.S. This is only part one of a two part response.

Belonging...

Everyone wants to find others like them, people that feel like family. So, the hole in your heart from being unusual or different is filled, to find the missing piece of you. It's why we develop interpersonal relationships. It's why children are borne, friends are made. An inner pain that all humans have.

Much like any pain, that loneliness, that need to belong is the catalyst for growth, the reason any individual engages others. It's the form of pain that has produced all communities.,societies, and families. In order to stop feeling driftless, hopeless and lonely.

The cost of trying to squash that pain is influence. Others are let in to dull that pain, leading to emotional exposure, the opportunity exists to get hurt. You can be ousted by your group, disrespected by someone you are emotionally attached to. You're lover can decide you are unworthy. You're family may decide your lifestyle is abhorrent and unacceptable. Then what?

Answer :pain. Everyone can wax philosophical until the cows come home about "not giving a damn" but when it's your people on some level you DO care. You wonder what you could have done differently. You wonder if maybe they are right.

When I started practicing Satanism, I went all in.. I vowed that I wouldn't go halfway and be done with it. I vowed it would be the focus of my life and that I would live in accordance with it's principles. To never plateau or decide I am some know it all, pretentious asshat.

Mission accomplished so far. However, I am losing relationships left and right. My father won't speak to me because I am not LaVeyan and he thinks the ONA is to extreme. My mother and sister I cut out voluntarily but it hurts today and I can't give in, I can't call worthless dross people. My in laws think I am crazy for doing the things I've done recently. I have lost friends, quite a few for refusing to do what they want me to.

Should I feel pride for sticking to my path? Should I rail and rage against the injustice these people have done to me? Should I pretend it doesn't matter to me?

I don't have the emotional energy to pull it off. At this moment it just hurts. Good thing I embrace pain, it's when I know I'm alive and that I am going to learn. Anyway, fuck it. Happy Thanksgiving.

FS3.0

Church of Satan Dead?

Boyd Rice has declared the Church of Satin oops Satan dead. Huh? That institution died long ago . Now, as a former LaVeyan it made me think what killed that memeplex for me?

Simple, it died in 1975 when the TOS split occurred. The second that Satan became truly symbolic Modern Satanism started dying. The Satanic Panic just hurt it more.

Why did Atheism kill the Modern Satanism movement? Without a God construct there's nothing to oppose, no enemy to fight, nothing to live in defiance of, nothing to transgress against.
God as a construct still exists and most Atheists still worship God. As a symbol mythologically God is the personification of society, law, order, submission to a higher power. That never changes. In our secular society God is now the Magian memeplex. Holding back the true nature of man, but in new ways.

Political correctness, racial unity, being a law abiding citizen, Capitalism, Patriotism, these things are the Gods of today. An egalatarian mindset that permeates everything, even our thoughts.

The CoS never became oppositional to these new Gods. They bowed to the very master they claim to oppose. Modern Satanism became a joke, something that is blasphemous to the essence the word Satan attempts to describe.

Modern Satanists started to disgust me. How can you carry the name Satanist but be like everyone else. I started reading ONA stuff and realized they oppose these new Gods, they turn that opposition into a Praxis. I don't learn by reading, never have. If I read something I need to see something in my life that reflects it. So, this idea of learning by transgressing is ideal for me. I think the ONA has identified these new Gods due to the Theistic elements.

It makes someone want to be an incarnation of the Adversary, rather than a hollow shell of what Satan. There's a glamour, an evocative, inherently beautiful subtext to the concepts in the MSS that make one want to go DO, to manifest that acausal energy in the world.

FS3.0

Revolutionary Thought

The whole 3.0 thing has got me thinking about (r)evolution in a lasting sustainable form. How does a group of individuals who see the rotten core of the status quo fight back? What's the best, most effective way to burn it down?

Movements like Anonymous are a great start but the system allows pressure valves within it. Satanism is one. Peaceful protests, extremist movements all allowed, even protected by that system. Why is that?

Simple, they don't really stop the system. They make the mundanes close ranks. When things do get violent the system uses that as a chance to show the majority it's needed For safety. This monster grows when opposed., gets larger. At this point they police every aspect of life. Mr. Dread once wrote "you're not free even in you're head. " I would add they give you the thoughts, all of us are programmed from birth. So, most conform. The few who don't are easily and quickly taken care of.

Beyond that, even if it fell away today, any new system would mimic the old one in time. It's what most of us have been taught is normal from birth.
So, what is a lasting fix? What changes this for the next generation? They hold the key. It's why I feel Long says the goal is Aeonic. If the next generation is more independent, less programmed, and their children less programmed than them, and that trend continues the cycle will break.

It's an issue that needs to be attacked at a cultural level as well. Alternatives to the magian lifestyle have to be developed. Parents that value their independence over comfort. People who develop and live in a tribal manner. Who follow the Sinister code of honor and make it a foundation for law on their own land. Who impart these things to a new generation by living that way.

The true, lasting sustainable destruction of this system lies with my children. and their peers. As I lead by example, show them their is a better way. Teach them to value family over things. My 8 year old said yesterday, "anybody can be my family if they are like you mommy. "

Experience Learning

So, I was sitting on the couch this morning hungover as fuck. Head pounding, stomach in knots,. I have heartburn from steak and shake, on top of it.

I start reassessing my night. Thinking about what I could have done differently. How can I avoid feeling this way again? Less alcohol? Yep. No more steak and shake, I never get heartburn and I eat some crazy shit. That place is on my permanent do not eat list.

As I'm running through this, I started thinking about an article I read in a parenting magazine about Experience Learning. Researchers did a study with toddlers. 1,000 parents participated. The parents let the kids in the kitchen while cooking and turn the oven on. Half the parents scolded their children in any attempts to touch the oven. The other group let the toddler touch the oven and when the toddler jerked their hand back said, "Hot, that's hot."

The results were interesting. The toddlers that had been scolded for trying to touch the oven, continued to attempt to touch the oven. The parents engaged in daily battles to stop their child from doing it. The group that had never touched the oven, did not understand the difference between cold and hot when tested. Guess how the other group faired?

After touching the oven once they never tried again. Parents reported the talkers in the group said hot when seeing the oven. Upon testing they knew the difference between cold and hot.

The researchers were calling for a return to experience learning. It was proven in this study children learn by doing.

What I Search For....

Since society has become Patriarchial, women and the Feminine Archetypes have been infected. Distorted by what society, the status quo wanted women to be. This distortion, this misapprehension still exists today.

It's what I and other women like me have to fight against. Most women simply continue to perpetuate these archetypes. They never concept their own nature, so they conform to those boxes. The mother who does it all, throws away her sexuality in favor of a full time job, soccer practice and making a house to rival Martha Stewart. A career woman denies her natural instinct to reprouce for spreadsheets. It's everywhere and these Magian ideals are spread to the next generation of girls. Women are the biggest enemy of true Freedom, of Empathic understanding of the Femiinine.

I do not know a single woman in real life that takes self defense seriously. That views the knowledge of how to defend and protect herself and her own young as important. I have sacrificed being thin and hot in favor of this ideal. My arms now have definition, but have horribly ugly feet with callouses and blisters. My hands have blisters and callouses. I have bruises, cuts, scars, etc. I feel MORE beautiful now. Like I am finally hitting close to what Motherhood should be, like I am closer to the True (Sinister) Feminine.

I call it the True Feminine for a reason. They don't get to tell me what Motherhood is. There is something raw, dark, visceral, and evil to womankind. Misunderstood by most, misappopriated continuously. According to Judeo Christian memes women are not only the root of all Evil, but no better than chattel. I think it's due to something unspoken: Women perpetuate culture. They mold and shape the next generation minds. To control woman is to control the minds of the youth.

Fuck you're Magian ideals, you're interpretations of Femininity. I seek what lies beneath, the inner power that can never truly be oppressed.

Is There Any Hope?

This question came from my mother in law while seeing my new apartment the first time. This was followed by her magian rant. About my children and how they are suffering for my decision to move and sell my house. She statted to cry and tell me ALL children deserve to be raised according to a certain standard (hers).

Now as she went on her tirade, I starting thinking, Am I crazy? To take them away from the prototypical American dream? To start making a true grab for independance of the system. I felt doubt of my path for the first time.

Than she finally left. I was sitting outside and thinking about it. I feelt like a poser in suburbia. Like I didn't belong. Plastic, false and I hated it. It was my dream, something idealized from a childhood of the opposite. I got what everyone wants and I never fit in, I never felt truly at home. Like at any moment they would realize I was a fraud, a charlatin. I didn't belong.

Here it's different. I grew up on these streets, I know this place. What used to be something different. I went to the same school my kids do. I am home and I am happy. There's hope. A first step to an end goal. To feed my kids the Magian dream is a form of child abuse, from my perspective.

FS3.0

The Cost of Personal Progress

I came to the LHP a fairly good, nice person. Egalitarian (everybody has strengths and weaknesses), the kind of person most people want in the world. Somehow along the way I shattered that girl . That personality I manifested was an abstraction. A manifestation of well mundanity. I had accepted what society said was good and evil.

Than I started actually walking the path, doing Satanism. I exited the doorway, the LaVeyan mindset and looked beyond it. Started reading Long heavily. Realized I was a joke of an Adversary. Here's the ugly truth, I rarely see talked about: large portions of my personality wweren't real. Entire portions of my worldview were a lie. When you break those, you feel mentally shattered, like you are killing off the best parts of you.

Moments that make me wonder if I continue, will I go insane? What will the cost for this ultimately be? I am unable to relate to the average person. I hold a few people very close to ny heart. The ones who I know intuitively are like me. Otherwise, I detest the inanity of their actions, their words, their society. They don't see what's important, the inner power they have.

It makes me feel disconnected. Hardened by having seen a piece of the truth. I have lost a part of me that was innocent, hopeful, and had faith in humanity.

We Recognize Our Own........

I have a different take on the "we recognize our own" idea. It is a species of human being and I at least, intuitively recognize my own. I know they are "like me" and I know when people are not like me. It's an emotional thing, and almost impossible to describe.

I started coming to the same conclusions as the "core of the ONA" (those five ideas are in the video) my whole life, and in particular the past two years. I came across ONA materials pretty quick in my google searches on Satanism and just went "Nuh uh" mentally. The outer form ideas scared the shit out if me. I didn't even use the label Satanist at that point, I was in a large level of self denial.

Now, when I started at SIN I gravitated towards certain people. I loved the way they wrote, their perspective on things, these are my "must reads" when I log in. These individuals were before I ever signed up for SIN. I for example, loved Satan's Serrated Edge and his take on Satanism. LOL. ;) These individuals I consider friends, I have always liked them and my friendships with them occurred organically. The whole process has been. I know my own kind.

The irony is I never thought any of these individuals were ONA, I assumed they were "LaVeyan" or just Satanists as Mr. Dread used to say. I did a thread on what I got out of LaVey. Now, when they all "came out" and said they were ONA, I was floored personally. My own perspective colored what I was reading. I didn't want to be ONA or a Niner, I was scared.


http://www.satanicinternationalnetwork.com/forum/topic/1709

Now, the Seven Fold Sinister Way, etc. I think "burns off" the memes that are not part of a Niner's true character. The whole esoteric process is to take those individuals back to who they really are. That is a tough process due to the amount of mental programming an individual receives from birth by society. It has to be done and regardless of how it is done, these individuals will seek out ways to do so, without necessarily walking the predetermined path of ONA's exoteric form. It is better to commit to being one of the Devil's own in a way that is obvious than it is to pussyfoot around and talk about it. It takes physical, real world acts to burn of those memes faster.

I know in my own personal experience, the physical portion is not only doable, but necessary. Since I started a military style physical fitness course, I have changed DRAMATICALLY. I also have learned every time I hit a wall and think I can't go any further, I can. I can push past it, I can do more. I also, hit a mental state that is indescribable but is better than any drug, any ritual, etc. I can do. I feel whole and complete for those moments. It is a form of gnosis that I am obtaining every time I engage myself physically.

So am I a Niner? Like Span316 said to me, "If you're not a Niner than what are you?" I take the label Niner on with the upmost of respect for the people that have invented and perpetuated the memeplex, I have grown to love. I personally hope to be an asset to that memeplex with my own undertakings. Am I an adept? Not yet, but I will be with time.

You Did This..........

Look you DID this. I was born an unique creature that didn't fit into the mold you wanted to place me in. I however, had to play ball. There was no consideration that maybe, just maybe I wasn't like everyone else. I took care of myself as a child, out of fear of YOU, a faceless, disgusting entity would take me away from my family. I was responsible, unlike most people that subscribe to your ideals. I always have been.
As I grew older, you forced me to conform. You infected me with your lies, half truths, and false wisdom. To make another person be a part of the machine, you forced a square peg into a round hole. I bled to make that transition. I cut the parts of me that were the most precious off. If I hadn't of, I wouldn't have survived. Who were you to decide that for me?
It was insanity causing did you realize that? A part of my brain was screaming, "This isn't you." I made it shut up. I dealt with constant doubt, a fear of my abnormal state. I knew I wasn't like everybody else. Always did. I used to watch kids at school and beg God to make me like them. Just for five minutes, so I could understand why they cared about cartoons and pop stars. I used to wonder why I was made the way I was. Same as an adult, watching people that I worked with and thinking, "Why don't I care about the same shit? Why do they seem so lifeless, so stupid?"
I fought back using every method you gave me. It never worked. I can't recycle enough cans to save the planet. I can't donate enough time or money to make what I want to see realized. I did make attempts to do what I wanted, within your ideals. I failed. I may as well, have pissed away all of that time effort and energy. I knew the system was corroded, broken and in desperate need of fixing. I also, felt alone in my realization of that and the task to fix it was impossible.
All my life I have been a kind, nice and understanding person. I deal with people that aren't like that, constantly. I give them my trust and they break it. They use me, they bad mouth me when I'm not looking. They try to raise doubt, in order to make me conform, make me crack. They show me no respect, even when I extend it first. It always hurts and I've never understood why people don't have some basic fucking responsibility for their actions.
Then there's the internet. A vapid wasteland of posers, maybes and what if's logging on. I never started on these Satanic forums to make a bunch of friends, or be Miss Popular. I did it because I learn differently. I learn through interaction, more than reading. I found Satanism. There's nobody around me that is into that. I needed to step into that medium. I had read for awhile and found some really cool minds posting in cyberspace. I wanted to see what they had to say, up close and personal. So, I joined a network and started posting. Do I buy everything I read? No, I am only looking for people that make me think. That may as Shugz says, "Have a piece of my puzzle."
Lately, I've been shown the underbelly of the Satanic movement, in particular on the internet. I had a friend on a website, stab me in the back for no other reason than an attempt to gain more stature. I have dealt with pressure from a lot of people that I respected, to turn back, don't look into ONA, you're conforming, you're becoming part of a herd. The stereotypes about ONA, and lack of personal responsibility is shocking to me. I have been personally insulted, bad mouthed when I'm not around, and in generally treated like shit for having an interest in something. I wouldn't do it to someone else, just for their school of thought. I have been more of a "prove you're idiocy type." These recent events are changing that. I am starting to think "Oh here we go another Super Serial Adversarial Fucktard."
I don't want to hate, dislike and abhor the majority. It is happening though. Rather it's my best friend screwing me over, a neighbor using me for personal gain, a cop telling me not to shoot off fireworks, or a bunch of idiots on a website throwing out insults and stereotypes.
You are making me hate you. You are forcing my hand over and over again. I was always the enemy to you, you're system, your values. YOU made it that way, I didn't. Now, that I have realized that I play for the opposing team, what do you think I'll do? Smile and keep getting my teeth kicked in, or fight back? I realize that even when I played ball, YOU knew I wasn't like you and you hate what you don't understand. Thanks, it is now returned in full measure. You just created another enemy. I finally see just how horrible, awful and infectious, the things called Mundanes and Magians are. YOU did this. So, when this FemaleSatan, takes her pound of flesh owed, don't be surprised. It was you intention and wish, not mine. I pitied you BEFORE, now I hate.

Why ONA?

Now as for me, if someone asked why (in a nice, non dickish way), I would say this. I am in love with Anton Long. I fall in love with certain authors, and want to crawl into their brains, their thoughts, their words, and never leave. He has a fascinating dichotomy of brute strength, and sensitivity, that tumbles off of the pages. To me, it boiled down to a little quote from him I found in the Numinous Way.........


"However, like the faculty of empathy, our faculty of Will- the faculty of reformation and evolution of ourselves, is often underused or ignored."

I am in love, like I am with LaVey, Crowley, Jason King, Mr. Dread, Diavolo, Mindfux, Shugz, and a number of other people. To make it sound cheesy, Long sang my heart song when he wrote The Numinous Way, Sapphic Sorcery, and about The Rounwytha Tradition. The beauty of his words, bring tears to my eyes, make me think and that is WHY.


The rest, "Will the ONA collapse the system?", "Oh, I don't like them", " Prove it.", "It's about Doing, followed by What have you done?", doesn't matter to me. He sings my heart song.

Like Shugz said in a recent blog, "He has a piece of my puzzle." That is enough for me.