Look you DID this. I was born an unique creature that didn't fit into the mold you wanted to place me in. I however, had to play ball. There was no consideration that maybe, just maybe I wasn't like everyone else. I took care of myself as a child, out of fear of YOU, a faceless, disgusting entity would take me away from my family. I was responsible, unlike most people that subscribe to your ideals. I always have been.
As I grew older, you forced me to conform. You infected me with your lies, half truths, and false wisdom. To make another person be a part of the machine, you forced a square peg into a round hole. I bled to make that transition. I cut the parts of me that were the most precious off. If I hadn't of, I wouldn't have survived. Who were you to decide that for me?
It was insanity causing did you realize that? A part of my brain was screaming, "This isn't you." I made it shut up. I dealt with constant doubt, a fear of my abnormal state. I knew I wasn't like everybody else. Always did. I used to watch kids at school and beg God to make me like them. Just for five minutes, so I could understand why they cared about cartoons and pop stars. I used to wonder why I was made the way I was. Same as an adult, watching people that I worked with and thinking, "Why don't I care about the same shit? Why do they seem so lifeless, so stupid?"
I fought back using every method you gave me. It never worked. I can't recycle enough cans to save the planet. I can't donate enough time or money to make what I want to see realized. I did make attempts to do what I wanted, within your ideals. I failed. I may as well, have pissed away all of that time effort and energy. I knew the system was corroded, broken and in desperate need of fixing. I also, felt alone in my realization of that and the task to fix it was impossible.
All my life I have been a kind, nice and understanding person. I deal with people that aren't like that, constantly. I give them my trust and they break it. They use me, they bad mouth me when I'm not looking. They try to raise doubt, in order to make me conform, make me crack. They show me no respect, even when I extend it first. It always hurts and I've never understood why people don't have some basic fucking responsibility for their actions.
Then there's the internet. A vapid wasteland of posers, maybes and what if's logging on. I never started on these Satanic forums to make a bunch of friends, or be Miss Popular. I did it because I learn differently. I learn through interaction, more than reading. I found Satanism. There's nobody around me that is into that. I needed to step into that medium. I had read for awhile and found some really cool minds posting in cyberspace. I wanted to see what they had to say, up close and personal. So, I joined a network and started posting. Do I buy everything I read? No, I am only looking for people that make me think. That may as Shugz says, "Have a piece of my puzzle."
Lately, I've been shown the underbelly of the Satanic movement, in particular on the internet. I had a friend on a website, stab me in the back for no other reason than an attempt to gain more stature. I have dealt with pressure from a lot of people that I respected, to turn back, don't look into ONA, you're conforming, you're becoming part of a herd. The stereotypes about ONA, and lack of personal responsibility is shocking to me. I have been personally insulted, bad mouthed when I'm not around, and in generally treated like shit for having an interest in something. I wouldn't do it to someone else, just for their school of thought. I have been more of a "prove you're idiocy type." These recent events are changing that. I am starting to think "Oh here we go another Super Serial Adversarial Fucktard."
I don't want to hate, dislike and abhor the majority. It is happening though. Rather it's my best friend screwing me over, a neighbor using me for personal gain, a cop telling me not to shoot off fireworks, or a bunch of idiots on a website throwing out insults and stereotypes.
You are making me hate you. You are forcing my hand over and over again. I was always the enemy to you, you're system, your values. YOU made it that way, I didn't. Now, that I have realized that I play for the opposing team, what do you think I'll do? Smile and keep getting my teeth kicked in, or fight back? I realize that even when I played ball, YOU knew I wasn't like you and you hate what you don't understand. Thanks, it is now returned in full measure. You just created another enemy. I finally see just how horrible, awful and infectious, the things called Mundanes and Magians are. YOU did this. So, when this FemaleSatan, takes her pound of flesh owed, don't be surprised. It was you intention and wish, not mine. I pitied you BEFORE, now I hate.
As I grew older, you forced me to conform. You infected me with your lies, half truths, and false wisdom. To make another person be a part of the machine, you forced a square peg into a round hole. I bled to make that transition. I cut the parts of me that were the most precious off. If I hadn't of, I wouldn't have survived. Who were you to decide that for me?
It was insanity causing did you realize that? A part of my brain was screaming, "This isn't you." I made it shut up. I dealt with constant doubt, a fear of my abnormal state. I knew I wasn't like everybody else. Always did. I used to watch kids at school and beg God to make me like them. Just for five minutes, so I could understand why they cared about cartoons and pop stars. I used to wonder why I was made the way I was. Same as an adult, watching people that I worked with and thinking, "Why don't I care about the same shit? Why do they seem so lifeless, so stupid?"
I fought back using every method you gave me. It never worked. I can't recycle enough cans to save the planet. I can't donate enough time or money to make what I want to see realized. I did make attempts to do what I wanted, within your ideals. I failed. I may as well, have pissed away all of that time effort and energy. I knew the system was corroded, broken and in desperate need of fixing. I also, felt alone in my realization of that and the task to fix it was impossible.
All my life I have been a kind, nice and understanding person. I deal with people that aren't like that, constantly. I give them my trust and they break it. They use me, they bad mouth me when I'm not looking. They try to raise doubt, in order to make me conform, make me crack. They show me no respect, even when I extend it first. It always hurts and I've never understood why people don't have some basic fucking responsibility for their actions.
Then there's the internet. A vapid wasteland of posers, maybes and what if's logging on. I never started on these Satanic forums to make a bunch of friends, or be Miss Popular. I did it because I learn differently. I learn through interaction, more than reading. I found Satanism. There's nobody around me that is into that. I needed to step into that medium. I had read for awhile and found some really cool minds posting in cyberspace. I wanted to see what they had to say, up close and personal. So, I joined a network and started posting. Do I buy everything I read? No, I am only looking for people that make me think. That may as Shugz says, "Have a piece of my puzzle."
Lately, I've been shown the underbelly of the Satanic movement, in particular on the internet. I had a friend on a website, stab me in the back for no other reason than an attempt to gain more stature. I have dealt with pressure from a lot of people that I respected, to turn back, don't look into ONA, you're conforming, you're becoming part of a herd. The stereotypes about ONA, and lack of personal responsibility is shocking to me. I have been personally insulted, bad mouthed when I'm not around, and in generally treated like shit for having an interest in something. I wouldn't do it to someone else, just for their school of thought. I have been more of a "prove you're idiocy type." These recent events are changing that. I am starting to think "Oh here we go another Super Serial Adversarial Fucktard."
I don't want to hate, dislike and abhor the majority. It is happening though. Rather it's my best friend screwing me over, a neighbor using me for personal gain, a cop telling me not to shoot off fireworks, or a bunch of idiots on a website throwing out insults and stereotypes.
You are making me hate you. You are forcing my hand over and over again. I was always the enemy to you, you're system, your values. YOU made it that way, I didn't. Now, that I have realized that I play for the opposing team, what do you think I'll do? Smile and keep getting my teeth kicked in, or fight back? I realize that even when I played ball, YOU knew I wasn't like you and you hate what you don't understand. Thanks, it is now returned in full measure. You just created another enemy. I finally see just how horrible, awful and infectious, the things called Mundanes and Magians are. YOU did this. So, when this FemaleSatan, takes her pound of flesh owed, don't be surprised. It was you intention and wish, not mine. I pitied you BEFORE, now I hate.
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