The Creeping Onset of Loneliness

Just fuck off and leave me alone. Like that it's done, a relationship that I mistakenly got emotionally invested in lost. I'm not going to call, write, show up, cause a scene, make a bunch of drunk texts to try to reengage you, I am done as well. I am not built to beg to be in someone's life, either you get me or you don't, either you are on the level or you're not.

Here's the problem I currently have, I have been alone for a long time, even in relationships. A little individual ship doing its own thing for a long ass time. I don't get emotionally involved, not on more than a surface level, letting people in causes pain, it lets them hurt you, it lets them prove themselves to be distrustful pieces of shit. It's waaayyyy easier to be alone (even in a group) than to be open hearted for two seconds.

Then a motherfucker gets to me, they seem to be one of mine,they actually manage to get me to open up the vault for them. I let them in, I start feeling warm gushy feelings of being safe, being accepted, hell let's get honest here, being loved for the first time in a long time. It feels good, I feel like maybe I was wrong about other people and my long reigning attitude of me being the only person I can depend on or trust is false.

Then I get fucking betrayed, again. This time I feel something though and it's not my typical murderous, misanthropic, thanks for proving me right rage. No, I get hurt and it's a big hurt. Not over this specific incident but at the fact that I am lonely. I can feel it, this big gaping fucking hole in my life that has been there forever and I was numb to it. After so long of feeling that loneliness, I got used to it, it became something that almost didn't exist, not on a surface level. No, my loneliness,which has been there since I was a child,is palatable.

I want to be held, I want someone else to put their arms around me, tell me it's going to be okay and I want to believe them, I want to know everything is safe now in that split second. I want to exhale, not be on my guard so much, I want that low level of fear I walk around with all the time to disappear. I want what a good parent can give a child, what a good man, a really good man gives to a woman, what a best friend is capable of, the ability to be safe and be safe because that other person is there and they are bigger and stronger than whatever wants to hurt you.

It's irrational and it's stupid but it's there, that I want to connect with someone on THAT level. I also realize I have wanted that for a long time and that I cover it up because it feels so goddamn needy. I seek out men that are capable of hurting me (and willing to) because they can hurt others if they are going to be that safe oasis I find. I seek parental figures because my parents were incapable of providing that feeling of safety. My friends tend to be younger because I am very good at providing this for someone else. None of that gives me what I want though.

When I think on the concept of religion, I realize it provides that for a good number of people. A place they can feel safe, warm, loved, etc. A loving God to replace what other individuals, individuals of your own kind should provide. A parental figure that never lets you down, a best friend who is never to be busy to be there, an instant good man that gives you exactly what you need. I realize it's part of the delusion that makes faith such a powerful goddamn thing, it lets the mind believe you finally found that oasis in the storm of fucked up people and fucked up situations. The truth is you didn't really find that though, you just found a band-aid as powerful as my numbness was. You just embraced a concept that made you feel less alone, I ain't doing that shit.

I realize I have three choices here. I can feel the void with something that doesn't really fill it, religion, lots of hot sex, drugs and alcohol or something else that cause the numbness to return. I can really look at it, realize where it comes from and fix whatever it is that makes me feel this loneliness. Maybe I can be my own oasis from the sea of fucked up people and fucked up situations. Maybe I can realize some big fucking epiphany that makes me say "holy fuck that is what that is" like I have trust issues or something else.

The third choice is even harder, maybe that's the real reality shit I feel. Maybe the World is just a sea of fucked up people and fucked up situations waiting to take you down, waiting to fuck you over and I SHOULD be afraid, I should always be on my guard, I should trust no one, not even myself because I am fucking human as well. I should feel this big fucking hole in my life because NOTHING EXISTS THAT CAN FILL IT.

Life keeps teaching me that I alone. No God to save me, no religion to fill my cup, no person to make me whole, no parent to make me feel like the World and all its bullshit will go away, nothing, I have nothing over and over again. It makes me feel worthless, like I am less than human for being who and what I am. A part of me screams "I am WORTHY of love and trust and some other shit that I need" while the other part says, "Darling, no human being is worthy of that and you are human, so very human." I am that thing, human. I am full of flaws, imperfections, fuck ups, screwing other people over, and other manipulative shit that only the human species is capable of.

I feel the creeping onset of loneliness in my life, with no resolution. I AM alone and always will be, because no human being can provide what I need, including myself.

Agent of Chaos

You ever get the feeling as soon as your life is going well that it's time to derail the bitch?

I do all the damn time. I'm happy, something is wrong. I have structure and balance in my life? Fuck that, it's chaos time.

Do the drugs. Fuck the random guy, no wait, fuck your boss. Have the drink and another. Start the fight for no reason.

A pattern develops. One that is self destructive, one that shows I am broken somehow. I get restless, bored, ready to pursue some new challenge. The status quo, even if self created, has to constantly turn over, constantly be in a state of flux. Otherwise, I am not really satisfied.

I am an agent of chaos.

Bitch Please...

Take that tired ass dramatic bullshit elsewhere. I am to old and far to busy to participate in some pissing contest over a man. You want him? Go ahead and try.

I know you are younger, stronger, faster and far more available. I know you had him but here's the thing YOU lost him. I know all of the dirty laundry that exists between you two and if he wants that he can have it.

I wonder where you were when I wasn't in the picture. I don't think the reason you pulled the bullshit you did is about him. It's about me and your dislike of me. You view me as white trash wait I believe the phrase you used was 'low class whore.'

Lol, you do realize me and him come from the same neighborhood and the socio-economic status right? I dated him in high school, hell I will go as far as to say he wouldn't be where he is today without me helping him pass his sophmore year. That's right, I was the one that talked him into taking school seriously, not you.

And he is one of mine, he is part of my tribe and it doesn't matter if we last or not. I will ALWAYS have his back even if it is as 'just' a friend. I will ALWAYS be there for his kids.

So as I said, try the shit you got planned. I won't lose him even if I lose the perceived pissing contest you decided we are in. I had to much of an influence on him twenty years ago to become a memory or someone he used to know. Some relationships go beyond what happens right now.

Trust Much?

Life is strange, you can know people and never really know them. They can stand in front of you and communicate nothing to you.

Hell, I am an expert at this. I rarely volunteer personal information to anyone. The internet knows more about my internal dialogue than most people I know irl. I am not going to say it's because most people are to stuck in their head to ask.

It's me. I am (at best) odd and have been since I was a small child. I can remember being six and I just decided that all of reality, everything I saw was part of a movie. I was terrified, shit terrified that at any moment the director would yell cut and I would find out the truth. I carried this around, never told anybody about it, until now.

You may get a little glimpse here and there but I edit myself. I make sure that what I am saying matches you in some way and betrays nothing about me. Nothing embarrassing or overly revealing will ever pass my lips.

People use the term "in the closet" A LOT. Why? Large portions of my life live in the dark. My sex life, my fantasies, my fears, my worst memories, all sit in the dark. I like that there are parts of me nobody will ever know, I don't want anyone to.

I recently had a discussion with a slave (M/s, look it up. I can't be assed)  and she kept talking about how important full transparency was in her relationship. This guy knows when she shits, every bite of food she eats, fucking EVERYTHING. It was like talking to an alien, something from a distant planet telling me why their way is better.

She seemed happy, content, and madly in love. The kind of love that makes the back of my throat hurt and my eyes stingy. I am this closed off, neurotic mess, who is always looking for the knife to pass between my ribs.
In that conversation I GOT IT, I saw it in front of my own eyes. That's love, that's the thing everyone is supposed to want. That one person you will allow to crawl in your mind and see everything.

I have issues with this realization. The first being this means I have loved once in my life and he hurt me over and over again. He used the private, personal shit against me.

The second realization was I don't think I can do it. There are some great guys out there (I am seeing one now) but I don't feel like I can tell him everything, I have a hard time telling him I am sick or tired.

The third realization: This is a big line for me. It's funny, society has fed me so much and the amount of deprogramming I have done and continue to do is massive. This wasn't given to me by society though, it's a defense mechanism built up by a lifetime of being shit on by people.

It colors every personal relationship I have. I'm there but in body only. I keep my mind to myself. I walk around disconnected. Touching but not feeling, talking but saying nothing, caring but not loving.

I learned to only trust and rely on myself at the expense of a having a single human connection.

That's the essence of this line I found: trust. I don't have any left.

Nostalgic Rambling

The moment, the exact moment you are sitting in right now. That thing is beautiful as fuck. In an era of instant gratification and instant satisfaction mixed with constant distraction we are all told to stay connected. Check the phone, see what's on FB, tweet something, upload some pics, do, do, do, go, go, go.

Don't you want to stop? I do and I basically have (turns out I like to write be prepared for me on my blog than ever before bwhahahaha).

I have recently been reminded of my teenage years, about twenty years ago to be precise. The internet existed but it wasn't a common part of everyone's lives. I can remember walking around and just talking, no distraction in my hand, just the beautiful moment. Seeing the graffiti and laughing that a motherfucker couldn't spell. Making out in a car to the radio to music that wasn't my insta-favorite and loving hearing something new, something different, something that I never would of heard otherwise.

Backroads and twisting lanes, the smell of someone's breath on my neck because I was the most interesting, the most captivating thing in the world. Nothing compares to that time period, partially because of my big, huge nostalgia glasses but also because I fell in love with a boy who kissed me at a school dance and a passed me a note asking me out. A boy I couldn't recall until about a week ago. Nothing compares to that time period because of who I was. A headstrong independent girl who had her entire life mapped out as carefully as possible and a plan to make every single thing on that list happen.

I guess I was distracted, interested in being everywhere, being connected, not really feeling something, really experiencing something. I forgot a memory that I think I need to hold close to my heart for the rest of my life because of who I am now and remembering who I was will help me solidify who I am becoming. There was a girl in this body once, not jaded or cynical, but in love with life, in love with love and pretty fucking in love with herself.

Not someone who constantly thought, 'It's not good enough.' I do it about everything. The way I look, the way I act, I worry if I am Satanic enough, progressive enough, intelligent enough, loving enough, distant enough. I am allowing some part of my head that grew there a long goddamn time ago to continuously condemn me. To say, 'you are a real fucking cunt, a loser. 35 years old and you STILL aren't a grown up.'

I wanted a life on my own terms and I have it. Can I actually allow myself some joy or pride in that? That I have actually walked the walk and accomplished some shit? Nope, that would mean getting satisfied, not constantly fighting myself, my own laziness and loneliness to have some ephemeral 'more' I have in my head. For me it's not a financial more, it's freedom. I want to be 'more free' than I was before.

At this moment I realize there was a time when I was more free, it was just so long ago I have to squint to see it.

Oh For Fucks Sake, Really?

Warning: slightly hypocritical rant incoming.

I keep seeing the same thing over and over again and I am sick to death of it at this moment. I feel disgusted to be associated (even loosely) with you group of clowns. Over and over again it's Anton LaVey said, Anton LaVey thought, the CoS says blah, blah, blah.

Why the fuck does it matter what any other motherfucker in all of history said about something? How does that summarize the should and should nots of Satanism? Isn't the whole fucking point to develop a world view based on Patheo Mathos? Did I miss the memo where people stopped talking about their opinions and their perspective and started basing every goddamn thought they have on what someone said something is or isn't?

I don't see people evolving or changing, I don't see people's perspectives becoming refined through encountering their own boundaries and surpassing them. I don't see individuals becoming something different. I see parrots, I see puppets and I see the constant and continuous ghost of Satanism past being used as a reasoning for Satanism to be something akin to dressing like an idiot, grouping and having a big ole' collective group think jerk off, and individualism.

Please, please stop the shit already. I want to read what you think about something, maybe a personal anecdote thrown in for good measure. That's about it. I don't want agreement with my perspective, you ain't me, you ain't walked my path and you don't know why I believe the things I believe and what I have done to develop that particular perspective. I don't want to see you jump on some intellectual high horse and tell me that you are better while using all the five dollar words you can.

I just want to see who you are, no fronting, no games, no hiding behind LaVey to back your shit up via proxy. I am tired of seeing solipsism become the new name of the internet game. Just hide behind a buncha people that agree with you and you're suddenly in the right. False idols being propped up by the new black sheeple is the new landscape. I saw a motherfucker QUOTE Thomas Leroy the other day.

The best part I know I am destined to lose when it comes to any long term impact. Any meaningful interpretation of Satanism that exists at this fucking moment will be buried in this new environment. There are more of 'them' then there are of 'us.' Satanism will become vacuous (to late?!?!?) and all that actually presences the darkness will be lost.

It's cool though, hell the best part of Satanism (as I see it anyway) is that it's built for this shit because of its centrally selfish essence. If I learn something it succeeded.

Oh and fuck that fucking statue, seriously.

Let's Talk About It...

So, some shit went down recently. Let's avoid the vague bullshit and get to the meat of it. A bunch of LD's pms were leaked in an email. This was followed by screenshots of SIN being hacked, which is why it's now offline. LD and Cz had some flirty conversation about how huge his dick is (which means it isn't), LD has now run far, far away because facing some heat would be to much for him. There that was easy, wasn't it? Like a motherfucking band-aid being pulled off, it didn't hurt nearly as much as you thought it would.

My speculation on who did all this is as follows: It's obvious. It's not your general devil of the internet. It's the motherfucker who has his name on every goddamn pm that was leaked. Read them, this guy is trying to play every motherfucker he is corresponding with in them. The fact that he disappeared right when the pms and hack to SIN happened makes him look more guilty. Maybe he's just a pussy, but I doubt it. If it isn't him, he's become the target of some group out there, which is hilarious because if he didn't pull off this masterpiece, he's a toothless shark. How is he worth fucking with?

As for SIN, so some asshole likes to set fire to corpses? Worth a lol but not much else. Looking over there before this happened was like watching the retard circus.

When you are on the internet, you are in a place where what seems private isn't. A secret is only as good as you keeping your motherfucking mouth shut. Those friends are not really your friends, in fact they are looking for a weak spot, an exploit they can take advantage of. Every moment vultures are circling. Rising to the top just makes people eye your throne.

Which is why I don't share a motherfucking thing I wouldn't want made public. I made that mistake very early on in my time online and it not only busted my give a damn, it made me realize that the second I have connected with someone, especially in an online environment, I have lost. Just don't say shit you don't want other people to hear and suddenly, magically, your online existence becomes waaaaaayyyyyy easier. Shit like this happens and you don't run and hide, you just shrug and move on.

This applies to life as well. If you are just fucking honest and not two faced you'll be fine. I would rather be an honest enemy to someone and have an honest enemy, than the alternative. If I have a secret, I tell NOBODY. I go to the grave with that shit. It's that simple.

I do enjoy manipulating other people, but that makes them targets not someone to be taken seriously. If it comes out that I was talking shit behind their back, I don't really care. That was the point, to manipulate their ass, to be fake. Online you get screenshots and all of this other bullshit.

What happened recently is fun as hell for a drama queen like me, but have some perspective. Like any train wreck, the glory is in the wreckage, not the fact that it happened in the first place. It's just another example of humanity doing what it does.

As for SIN, maybe #nothingtosee was a promise.

You Know Who You Are

Well aren't we all entitled special little snowflakes? Full of self important ideas, masters of our own little universes, believing every little fucking episodes of our lives are worthy of discussion and display.

It's bullshit, it's bullshit when it comes from me and it's bullshit when it comes from you. You don't matter, you will probably make NO impact in your life. You are not one of the big influences, you are a speck, a bit of meaningless dust blowing away when your very small life is over. Even if you change minds how much of an effect do you really think that will have? Beyond becoming a big fish in an ever increasing pond of mediocrity, you are unforgettable, a character whose name will be impossible to recall when you finally shut the fuck up and sit down.

You want to fight the system? Bitch you are the system. The big fucking trick and secret is that the thing you are supposed to be getting free from, is in your own goddamn mind. YOU are the enemy, not some faceless thing 'out there' that needs to be countered. It's when you assume and don't know. It's when you think something is truth when you haven't experienced it. It's that you subscribe to society's mores even if you have simply inverted them.

That's the ultimate mindfuck, is the realization that the very thing that pisses you off is you. You stand there being the great outcast, the Adversary against all that is magian while still subscribing to it. With your pathetic infighting of what is and isn't troo blue through and through Satanism. Your dismissal of others accomplishments which may not mean shit to you or may not even seem that fucking Sinister but are to that individual.

Your herd conformity shows when you start spouting off the latest fucking buzzwords like you invented them (see what I did there?). Your herd conformity shows when you start whining because someone actually brought up a subject that is actually antinomian.. You will scream at the top of your lungs your ammoral reasoning for not doing something without seeing you are just spouting a secular version of the same morality.

You do it, I do it, the cunt over there does it. Why? Because actually doing something, anything that takes you out of your comfort zone and confronts the monster that stirs underneath the veneer of society takes actual fucking work. You need a reason to stay on that throne you have created while throwing out your common fucking platitudes while being the center of your own universe.

Just because you are the center of your own universe does NOT make you the center of mine or anybody else's. Just because you type whole strings of semi-coherent thought together doesn't mean that you get what the fuck a few, a select fucking few people are trying to explain on ANY given subject.

Now worries, I do the same shit. Pass judgement from my throne while silently chuckling at how retarded everyone else is. The ONLY difference is I am aware of it. I am aware that my life is meaningless and finding any meaning in what is largely a huge, chaotic, coincidental mess or making some kind of impact is the single most pointless thing I can do.

I do what I have always done, try to live a life where I can say 'you did alright' when I am done. I learned some shit, did some shit, changed the way you think about some shit and had some fun in the process. Everything I do is for me, not for anyone else.

The way I see Satanism (and the reason I am still here on the Satanic interwebz) is because I see it as the only philosophical/religious/praxis thingy that is selfish. It's not about the common good or advancing some cause. It's about ME doing some shit that goes way outside my comfort zone and learning some shit from it. Embracing what I am not, what society refuses to accept or even acknowledge the existence of.

But no please, please continue. There should totally be yet another thread on the internet debating what LaVey meant when he said something.

Quote

A game is being played for your mind, for everyone's mind. An idea is formulated. It is picked up, examined, tossed around, and for a few it infects them. A simple thing that occurs for one reason or another.

I collect quotes and in my spare time will trace the root of a quote. I do this because it lets me make a choice on some level. I find an idea, expressed through just a couple of sentences. I take it, it becomes mine and in a way, I own a small part of that person's mind. I have asserted a bit of dominance over the ideas that infect me. I have said loudly and deliberately, you are mine, I am keeping you. They reflect something I take to be a truth.

I find that at different points it's ideas about different things I want to keep. It evolves and the pieces of people's minds that I take fit a pattern. Like I am taking a small mental trip through my idea about a certain subject, whatever it is.

Music play a role in this as way. I ride a wave when it comes to that. There will be pieces of songs that I want to keep. It's still quotes, it's taking a piece of that song and declaring it my own.

Lately, I have found myself preserving my own quotes. Things I have said that I want to keep. It's why I write, I want to preserve where I am at in a given time period mentally. I feel the journey I am on is worth preserving in some form.

The journey a quote takes can be fascinating to observe and shows just how ideas mutate over time. The author will be wrong, the intent can be misinterpreted, a number of factors will mutate a quote into something mutated, something that doesn't fit what the person who spoke or wrote it meant.

You Find Out Who Your Friends Are

Friend is a rather vacuous term in today's society isn't it? It doesn't denote someone that is part of your tribe, it denotes someone that you know passingly to most. It's become a bullshit term. A term that is thrown around, used by people to get, get, get, not necessarily give back.

A term that is used to exert control, to force a conformity on you, that quite simply, I can't abide at times. It makes me angry to see this happen and it happens everywhere.

Now, I don't view friendship in terms of when I am doing well. The frank truth is when you are riding high, everyone likes you. When you have, people love the shit outta you.

When I contemplate who my friends are, I think about the other times. The times the shit hit the fan. Who had my back? Who was there for me when I was at my lowest?

That's a short list, a very short list. People that were there not because I had something that they wanted but because I was one of theirs. A resonance that is borne of something deeper than just a friendship. A moment of commonality and companionship that runs deeper than any of the hubris that it defined as friendship by most.

It's something simple and something indescribably deep in places. A knowing, that this person would actually be there for me, they have already been there for me and in return I will be there for me when they fall down and have their bad moment.

Not to gain but because by knowing them I have gained something precious and irreplaceable. I gained a tribe. So I have no choice but to honor that bond, not out of a loss of freewill or a need to conform but because finding that with someone else, anybody else in a World where most people lack the ability to do that on such a fundamental level, is to precious to violate the terms of that silent agreement you made at that moment.

In For A Penny, In For A Pound

I don't want to do this, I really don't. I simply want to move forward with my life and continue down my Path, SIN free. However, I looked at the homepage and you motherfuckers are killing me.

Okay, there is some air to clear. Zach is lying through his motherfucking teeth. I did NOT cuss him out via pm and I have the screnshots to prove it.

Now this is the first conversation in pm that we had. Note the date. This conversation is occurring on Spetember 6, 2013. See me and Zach had a huge dust up right before his dust up with JK. Now why does this matter? Because I simply stated my opinion, he blew up and called me names. I apologized to him to let the dust settle and let SIN move forward. I knew if it continued I would have my head chopped off. I didn't want that.

Here is the second set:

Again, note the date. This second set of pms occurs immediately after my first suspension. Was I warned before my first suspension? No, I was simply suspended. Did I cuss him out? Fuck no, that's to easy. I told him not to big dog and make threats. Now I did blow up on the forums immediately after the last pm was sent and said FUCK YOU ZACH. I was then re-suspended. Now this asshole keeps claiming that everyone doesn't know the conversations that occurred. Now you do. If he had pms that made me look bad, he would fucking share them. He did in the JK incident.

What Zach has consistently failed to realize is that my issues with him were before JK's issues. I did swallow my pride and bend over like a bitch the first time, I didn't the second time. I honestly think he is suffering from a combination of delusions and paranoia at this point. I say that because he doesn't even remember suspending Dan, he tells everyone I cussed him out in pm and truckload over other shit that is flat out false. It's like his memory is going at this point.

Another example of this outright lying is when he tells people I was axed from his Admin team. I was never an Admin. I was a Moderator and the Moderator position was removed at SIN. Two Moderators were moved to Admin (Cassie and Sammie). The rest of us were simply cut due to 'to many complaints.' Were most of those complaints about me? Yep, but again I was never warned to calm down or back off (I was told once not to be a Morgan but that was literally months before he axed Mods).

Now, on to the part that may surprise people. I don't want to be reinstated. I see how this would go and let me give you an example:

(I am un-suspended) Fuck you Zach, little whiny dog my ass. That's why you axed me instead of addressing a single point I made. man fuck you.

(re-suspended)

(I am un-suspended) Seriously, Zach you are not David Lee Roth and people that post here are the band members behind you. You are the owner of the fucking club that the band plays in. Nothing more. You are insignificant in the grand scheme of things, all you provide is the venue.

(re-suspended)

You get the idea? This would go on in perpetuity until I either 1. deleted my account or 2. Zach kept me suspended. So, it's over and done. The relationship I had with Zach is over and I am fine with that. I don't agree with the general direction that SIN is now headed and I would be vocal as Hell about it. It's bullshit.

I remember when Zach used to say that his Admin could suspend him if he got out of line. This was even tested at one point. He could still post, his physical page just said 'this User is suspended' when you clicked on it. I remember when he made Beast the manager because he said he was to hot headed to handle the decision making shit at SIN. I remember him taking a consensus in the forums consistently and LISTENING to it. If people felt he was out of line he would back up, examine the situation and change his behavior. I remember when Zach would post things thanking people for contributing and told everyone that their contribution mattered.

It's not that way now. He has declared himself The Supreme Dictator of SIN and that shit needs to be called the fuck out. I would have expected the call outs that have occurred to be a wake up call to the guy. It certainly used to be a wake up call when people did that. He's changed, he's now saying things like he built SIN single handedly. Again, horseshit his Users built that site. He doesn't contribute in any meaningful way in the forums, he never has.

I was at home on the site where the site owner was willing to admit wrongdoing, I was at home at the site where the site owner wanted his Admin team to have the ability to axe him. I am not at home at this current site. I feel like I am logging into a place that was a shell of its former glory. A place where mediocrity is valued over stratification.

I knew that I was talking shit to a motherfucking asshole drunk on alcohol, power, fame and the influence of undesirables who are using him to gain fame for their bullshit organization. I also knew he possessed a ban hammer. It's the reason for the apology the first time around. So I own my role in it. I deserve the ban and I don't want to be reinstated. I need people there to quit acting like I am a martyr. I am not. I am someone who shit talked someone with a ban hammer and payed a price for it. It's simple, let it fall off of the front page and die already.

I wouldn't come back to what I largely see as a cesspool of mediocrity with a Supreme Dictator running all. There are some quality posters there but they post elsewhere so I can catch their work. I would also like to add one more thing, I thoroughly enjoyed my time at SIN while I was there. Some of my associations shaped me, changed my Worldview, made me think, made me mad, made me laugh, made me cry. I have made some true friends there as well. I have also been really surprised at the people who stood up and said it was bullshit that I was axed. It makes me proud to of associated with y'all.

However, it is time for me to move forward. To do something different. To test out some new shark infested waters and see how the experience goes. The front page of that site say 'Adapt or be crushed under the wheels of Satanic (in my opinion take that word out) progress. The wheel turned, I didn't adapt and I got crushed. So what, in the grand scheme of things I am still here, I am still writing and SIN goes on.

I'm Just A Girl

That's all you'll let me be, oh I'm just a girl living in captivity.... (Gwen Stefani)

Sorry, all I was rocking out with my breasts out. :)

I don't make many apologies for what I am, Unless I am feeling hypocritical as fuck. A certain problem that has remained in my pursuit of the LHP is that I am a woman. I know this sounds stupid, but it's true.

When I walk a mean street I walk it in fear. In some of my doings of Satanism I have realized that a man symbolizes protection in certain situations. Having one by your side means you are less likely to get fucked with. It doesn't matter how bad ass you are in you head, in the real, where people fucking bleed for talking shit, as a woman you are a walking victim. You're smaller, you're weaker, you can be hurt easier. It doesn't matter if you have training, you are a bunny, not a lion.

I know that most women who claim to be Satanists are the equivalent of the bitch on the back of the bike. They're not a biker, they're the biker's bitch. Arm candy, a hole to have things inserted in, a groupie, not a force to be reckoned with in their own right.

I am different, I am a biker. Hell, I have a bitch or two on the back of my bike when I roll down the street. It's just the way it is. I don't want to be the monster's girlfriend, I want to be a monster in my own right.

So I actually walk my motherfucking walk. Even when it puts me in dangerous situations, even when it drags me kicking and screaming to stare at the abyss.

Danger occurs for me more than it would for a man. I have crackheads walk up to me and grab me by my arm and ask me if I want to party. I have had four guys surround me and say, 'You think you can just walk off looking the way that you do and saying the shit that you just said.' I got one down, but they made me bleed.

And my little bunny instinct kicks in and says 'RUN!!!!' I refuse to listen to it. I walk around like I am not going to die, like I am not going to suffer the ultimate consequence for living the lifestyle that I do. The bushido code can be summed up as live like you're dying. The whole idea is to die a good death with your honor not laying at your feet. That book is more my creed, my modus operandi than anything LaVey wrote. It's actually deep if you don't skim it people.

Recently some of the restrictions I have had on myself have been lifted. I have lost the only thing that stopped me from actually becoming a Satan in the real, where it matters. I'm the bad guy of that tale and it's one that will never leave my lips. I deserve the Hell I am currently walking in.

So for better or worse, I am not half assing it anymore. I find that as a woman, I am quite simply the prey of men. Yep, that's right humans are at the top of the motherfucking food chain but men sit above women. This is about physicality, not mental prowess or any hidden sacred feminine bullshit. In some situations the only thing that matters is who is stronger physically, who can hit harder and who has more stamina.

Women want to pretend this is not reality. They want to hide the fact that they are prey, that they have a little bunny instict telling them not to rock the boat, to hide and to run. The fact of the matter is this wouldn't be a Patriarchal society if men didn't dominate women in some way. If you take off the rose colored glasses and step out of the bubble of society it's there and it's manifest every day. Go sleep on the streets as a woman and see what the outcome is. Go walk through a shitty neighborhood sometime. Go out of the suburbs, off your beaten path and see what lays in the darkness seeking to take you down as a woman.

Now I was raised to play out the worst case scenario in my head before I do anything. This is actually bad advice by the way because my mind is always like 'and then everyone died.' It was my mothers way of saying see things aren't that bad. What it has done most often for me is bring out the little bunny instinct and make me go, 'nope fuck that.' So I spent a good number of years in a constant state of fear, waiting for someone to hurt me.

Here's the thing though, humans avoid pain. I have avoided situations in the past just to not hurt a little. The thing is, hurt is cleansing in a way. You can take more physically than you ever thought you could. When blood runs down your face because you actually stood the fuck up, you have a Jesus Christ I survived that moment. When you have another one of those and another one, it hits you like a ton of bricks. They may hurt me but I would truly prefer to die on my feet than live on my knees. I truly want to die with my honor intact, to know that I kicked that bunny instinct once and for all.

Women will avoid that conflict at all costs. As prey we are designed to be peace makers, not fighters. Thing is it wasn't always that way. Women were Warriors for a long ass time. Satanism is just that a motherfucking Warrior Ethos. It's not black and listening to death metal. It's not being the arm candy to some big guy and giggling like a school girl when he says something. I would much prefer to be an anomaly than the alternative, it's dishonorable as fuck to just turn the other cheek.

Snakes In The Grass

All social interaction is a give and a take. A relationship is almost always based on things that once emotion is taken away are just transactions.

This very quickly gets into manipulation of others. The attempt by you to gain from someone else without giving much. You can see this social manipulation everywhere you go. When you deal with Satanists its discussed with a viewpoint that lacks the moral repugnance you will see from other groups. People boast and brag about the manipulative skills or how they have done this or that to someone else. Like it's somehow different than what is done subconsciously by all humans on a daily basis.

Let's put that shoe on the other foot for a minute. It's always perfectly fine when you are on top and the one manipulating the shit outta someone. It sucks when it's done to you. It will just piss you off that it happened to you.

And everyone has had it happen to them. Everyone gets screwed over by someone else sometime. Your boss asks you to do a little extra work in order to get promoted but the promotion never comes. You fuck somebody and they don't call you back. You realize you are buying a whole lot of dinner and drinks for your friend but they don't reciprocate. Whatever, you get fucked over like you bent over and begged for it.

One night I went to a bar and started talking to this really cute guy. The first thing I said to him was, "Hi, do you have a condom?" Yes, I am this kind of slut when I am in excruciating mental pain, it's a side effect. I refused to let him buy me any drinks. I went to his car fucked him and said to him, "Thanks." and got out of his car. He kept saying where are you going?, what are you doing?, etc. I felt sorry for him and gave him my phone number.

This motherfucker blew my phone up for about a week. I know on the surface it looks like something any dude would want. However, because I was the one manipulating him into a one night stand he was hurt and pissed over the whole thing. One of his messages he left was something to the effect of he has one night stands all the time but NO woman just fucks him and doesn't call him back.

It happens to me all the time as well. Someone manipulates me and succeeds I feel like a moron. I am hurt, I am pissed off, I feel betrayed, used. Now considering that I can intellectually figure out that this is what most social interaction is based on I shouldn't feel that way. Considering I discuss this concept quite frequently with a moral detachment why do I suddenly feel moral repugnance when it happens to me?

'Do unto others as they do unto you' is all fine and good until someone does to me what I do to others. Like any monkey behavior I see in myself it's hypocritical as fuck. It's yet another example of how I intellectualize something without accounting for the emotional component.

I was standing in line at a coffee place and realized I was totally flirting with some guy I had no intention of having anything to do with. He was cute and I hate paying for my own coffee. I caught myself flipping my hair mid -standing in line- conversation with him. I actually thought, 'the fuck are you doing Jeanette' when he said, 'What kind of coffee do you want?'

I also watch other people for manipulative behavior and examine past interactions for any hint of manipulation in them. I think things like, 'did he actually think I was intelligent or was it an excuse to get into my pants.' 'is she using me?' 'When that happened five years ago was he intending to fuck me over?'

Just a loop that is paranoid as fuck but utterly realistic. People, whether they realize it or not, are snakes in the grass. Since I know that, I don't want to get bitten.

Creating

In order to create one has to dig into their mind, find something they feel is worthy of fleshing out, of discovering more fully and then make it with a combination of their imagination and a tool. A worthy thing to attempt. It's difficult to create something worthy of more than a passing glance. It's difficult to wade through what is and isn't good as the creator.

You don't see the flaws or you see every glaring flaw that exists. You want to fix the mistakes. So you start fucking with your creation. Moving this around. Moving that around. Adding this. Taking away that.

You want to start over. You have made the thing unrecognizable from its original intention. It looked better with the imperfections you attempted to fix. It's just a mess now, it's incomprehensible what you were attempting to do to being with. You want to destroy the thing you attempted to discover more fully.

You get hit with the dawning realization that it's you. You are the one that is imperfect. The creation was always perfect. It's you that lacks talent, it's you who made the mistakes.

The tool was a blank canvas you attempted to put the creation on. It's you that made this awful messy thing that looks nothing like what you saw in your head. It's you who made garbage out of nothing.

Now what? Simple, you start over and see what you find worthy of fleshing out that exists in your head, of discovering more fully.

Swallowing Your Teeth

Sometimes, it happens. Life and all of it's bullshit rocks you a bit. For all of my posturing about loving adversity, I only enjoy it until it makes me swallow my teeth.

I am not talking about any of this internet bullshit, I am talking about REAL SHIT. Death, disaster, illness, violence, life altering moments. Moments where the vacuous nature of adversarial discussions bleeds through because something real rocks you, knocks you on your ass, takes your breath out of you. Should I care that some moron made another sock account, when something really bad is happening right now, in front of my eyes and not on computer screen? Of course not and anyone who tries to conflate what happens online with what happens offline, is missing the point of what I am saying. I fully acknowledge that emotional investment online exists, I have it myself. I am simply trying to frame my little ramble so I don't get comments on it that make me want to hurt people. ;)

Recently I have seen more bad, life rocking shit than I saw in my previous 32 years. Every time yet another one of these pops up, the optimist popped up as well. I hate her she lives in my head and clouds my clarity. Give it time she says, things will go back to the way they were. You won't feel like this forever. These moments are passing. Every cloud has a silver lining. The bitch likes platitudes, lol.

What she is the same exact kind of hope and faith shit I am supposed to hate and despise but find my mind clinging to when the shit is hitting the fan. I know where this coping mechanism comes from. My dark and disaster ridden childhood. I learned from an early age that you always put on a good front. You cover up the darkness, the bumps, bruises, and emotional scars with a smile. You keep your shit bottled up. You shut the door on it when you leave the house and that's where it stays until you walk back in the door.

People truly don't give a fuck. They never have. Your disasters are yours. So when asked you put on a smile and say everything is fine. You don't talk about it, talking about is makes it more real somehow, talking about your own shit makes you have to hear people say things that sound exactly like that little voice in my head I despise. I am not an open person, I never have been and honestly, I don't want to be.

I will get through everything the same way that I always have. With my head down, my cloak of stubbornness on, and my sword of tenacity in my hand. Eventually, I will see the other side of what is happening. I always do.

Recently something is changing though. My mind and the way I perceive things is changing as well. I am starting to realize that I may be encountering my new normal, that I may be, just maybe, be getting to see the man behind the curtain of 'status quo' reality.

Those 32 previous years were Alice living in her own little Wonderland. Not just mentally but physically as well. That I was self entitled, pampered, spoiled little brat for the majority of my life. Dark childhood, please. Is it a Western thing? Abso-fucking-lutely. Unlike other people, I get that my Worldview and what I view as normal, acceptable, etc is directly in correlation with what well... everyone else views as normal and acceptable. That when it comes to the terra firma (sorry DD, it's a good way to say it) of my reality it is based in the smoke and mirrors that is the Western mindset.

So when things deviate from that, I find myself going what the fuck is this shit? Over and over again, into perpetuity.

I mention this because I realize that for me at least, I prefer conflict that I am victorious in. The kind where I lose and I lose big teaches me more, shapes my perspective more, but the emotional part of me just wants to throw up her hands, curl up into a ball and cry. The intellectual gets the necessity of real adversity, the kind where you lose, you almost don't get out alive and if you do, you are almost crippled psychologically. The other aspect, just wants it to stop.

Wondering About Wonder Woman

Who is she? I she a feminazi like Frank Miller portrayed her? The Spirit of Truth as done by George Perez? Or something more curious, more vital than any modern authors interpretation?

William Moulton Marston created her. She's different than other Super Heroes, not because she's a woman. The reason is because of her creator. He was a psychologist, writer, feminist and had a huge bondage fetish. He wanted to be dominated by a strong, indomitable woman and created Wonder Woman to be the embodiment of his theories.

His theory was that women were superior to men because of their loving submission to men. His theory was that if women ruled the World it would be perfect.

Wonder Woman was the answer in his mind. Give girls a strong role model, someone on par with SuperMan would help change women's perception of their place. Wonder Woman was created from clay, this did away with her having a male parent. She lived on Paradise Island, an island devoid of men that is written as a utopia. She wears a costume that embodies that she has no shame in sexuality, it is rife with his fetishism. She carries a rope that makes people obey her. She leaves Paradise Island because she falls in love with a man who landed there. So she leaves with him to be an ambassador for her people in the Man's World. She's going to teach us their ways. She is also tied up, chained up, spanked, etc in the early comics.

Did his experiment work? Ah Hell yeah, she's the most visible female comic book character ever.

What's the issue with Wonder Woman? What does she have no movie? Why outside of being recognizable as the female Super hero does she suffer from an odd vagueness when you talk to people about her? Well, no other author is going to be Marlston. They haven't hired another psychologist/bondage/feminist writers to continue to write her. So she has been reinterpreted over and over again. Modern day feminists find her bondage roots to be icky, so they are shied away from. The Lasso of Obedience has become The Lasso of truth.

Women get super fucking pissy at the submission concept. It's ridiculous if you ever read a comic book forum at the venom that gets spewed when someone brings up the fact that one of her aspects is her author's S and M fetish. Also, her costume. My God, people hate the idea of changing it at all (fun fact she wore a skirt originally).

The person writing her newest run is Brian Azzarello. He has done some interesting things with her. She is now the daughter of Zeus. She is a Demi-God, trained in the art of battle by Ares. The Amazons rape and kill men in an effort to get impregnated and then kill any male infants born or sell them into slavery. Her costume, well Hell looks exactly the same. She mostly fights other Gods and he is doing a more mythological oriented book. She is also SuperMan's girlfriend (this is canon in the New 52).

Her fans have all kinds of opinions about all of this. Most think it's bullshit, that's she's been turned into nothing but SuperMan's arm candy, that she is to hot headed in the new runs of Justice League. These are the same people that hate Frank Miller's feminazi Wonder Woman. These are the same people that hate the costume change that Jim Lee did.

Now why does all of this matter? Because Marlton got exactly what he wanted. She is a feminist icon and very accurately reflects the transition in how society views women and feminists. She has changed dramatically over time, evolved as perceptions of women have. She's become independent, she is finally choosing to be with a man who is her equivalent and her equal.

I like the new Wonder Woman comics. My daughter has recently got into them and I read them when she's done. It's great to see Azzarello's attempts to ground her a bit, give her depth, make her a little less one dimensional, a little less of just an icon and more of a woman.

That's what Wonder Woman lacks that Super Heroes like Superman and Batman have. She's a Wonder, but who is the Woman? That's an aspect of her character that still needs to be told, in a Post-Feminist era, while still nodding to the original creator. That's the struggle, that's what makes her difficult to write or sum up in a few sentences. Like all women she is an enigma, something that men have a difficulty understanding.

I Don't Give A Fuck

I don't give a fuck.

Anybody see posts like this over and over again?

I do and I have to say it's bullshit. The number one symptom of not giving a fuck is apathy. So running around telling people you don't give a fuck shows you do, in fact give a fuck.

I understand why you give a fuck. Wanting people to like you is a natural thing. Wanting friends is a natural thing. Satanists are hard nuts to crack and being able to tell if they like you or if they don't is difficult. Being able to tell if your posts make a difference or not is difficult.

I used to be the same way. I was raised to be a people pleaser to put others needs before my own. I still give a fuck about people's opinions of me if and only if they have broke through the wall I have built around myself.

The wall exists from being hurt, by having my ass handed to me over and over again by life. It's not a path I would recommend to others. I don't want to be suspicious of others. I don't want to constantly watch my back, be prepared for the knife to go in. That attitude has been born out of necessity. From stepping out of the mainstream long enough to see the monster that lies underneath the veneer of the status quo.

So just fucking stop already. The number of people you are fooling with your I don't give a fuck status is zero. If you didn't give a fuck, you wouldn't be posting it.

I Just Want To Meet Like Minded Individuals

Fuck me I am tired of hearing this phrase.

Why do you want to meet like minded individuals? Do you really think every goddamn idea in your head is that fucking good? Do you really want to meet a bunch of people who bob their head in agreement every time you have a fucking brain fart and spew it out on the internet?

See, I don't really seek like minded individuals. I seek people that are frustratingly different than me in mindset. I seek people that challenge what I think, that make me question all of those grand fucking ideas I have in my head.

I am wrong and I am wrong a lot. I don't have everything figured out. I don't pretend to have everything figured out. I haven't had every experience, I haven't drank from every cup of knowledge in existence and that leads me to seek out other who may know something that I don't.

Conflict breeds growth. People challenging you breeds growth, especially if you approach it with the right mindset. Some are going to be idiotic fucking tools, but not all of them are. You may even learn something about yourself from the ones that are idiotic fucking tools.

The thing I do seek in a 'like minded individuals' manner, is people that view conflict the way I do.

Now that you've joined this forum and made your trite, bland and heavily recycled intro post saying that you want to meet like minded individuals, what are you going to do when you come across someone who isn't like minded? What are you going to do when someone says one of your oh so brilliant ideas is shit?

The Schism

Within Satanism there are two primary schools of thought emerging. One school of thought views Satanism as a Philosophy, the other views Satanism as a Praxis. Lately, the two have been butting heads in a major way and one that surprises me. I truly think that Satanism is both a Philosophy and a Praxis. Like anything else, in order to truly be able to say a label defines you, one has to live that label, embrace it as an action, thinking is simply not enough.

The philosophical Satanist has obvious roots. People like Bloom, Rand, LaVey, Jason King and others have put forth a viewpoint that the World is Satanic. that embracing the way things truly are is to embrace things like conflict, adversity, strife, and other concepts that have ground shaking consequences on the psyche. To understand that the World is Satanic is to embrace the World as it really is, to realize that your base human nature is somehow glorious, even Godly (hate that word) in nature.

The Praxis oriented Satanist has its roots in Vamachara, Anton Long, Dan Dread, Diavolo and others. The viewpoint is that one cannot claim a label unless they live that label. While the ONA put forth a very specific list of things to do in order to achieve this level of knowledge with the Seven Fold Sinister Way, more modern authors equate this to busting personal chains on the psyche. Some will be common to most people living in a certain society, others will be more personal and individual.

Okay, brief history and shout outs to various thinkers is done.

When I read these various authors one overarching theme comes to mind. The RHP has its roots in repressing human nature and rejecting it outright. The LHP seems to be more about embracing that human nature and rejecting the status quo.

Neither school of thought has its roots in just thinking thoughts in order to be _________. Can a good Christian be out lusting after others, drinking, smoking, fighting, cheating and stealing? No. Can a decent Satanist have a life that basically resembles everyone else's, never go outside of their comfort zone and still use that label and use it meaningfully? No.

It's that simple. I can do it with ANY school of thought. Can a Wiccan worship just the God or do they have to embrace the Sacred Feminine as well? Can a Thelemite just read some Crowley and that's it? No, each involves action of some kind, rather it's a lifestyle, ritual work, or something else.

So I obviously fall into the Praxis camp. Why? I was raised to never do anything luke-warm. You love, you go all in. You hate, you go all in. You want to have children, you go all in. No half assing anything. It's not enough to call yourself something and be done with it. ANYTHING worth labeling yourself has to be something that describes you and the way you act, that, if necessary, defines and changes your life.

When I came to the realization that the World was somehow reflecting the phenomenon trying to be captured with the word Satan, another realization followed. It's not enough to recognize, one has to be it, one has to act as Satan would. One has to rage war with the status quo, even if it's the parts of it that exists in their own mind.

Taking it a step forward, my own veneer put on this phenomenon is that it is female and declaring war on a male status quo, the patriarchy as it currently stands. If Satan represents Nature or the World, than Satan is female, as is all Goddesses who have represented the Earth. Even if they are dried, decaying shells of what I feel when I contemplate this. Rage, anger, hatred are all part and parcel for my own personal conception of this Female Satan that clunks around in my head.

My Own Personal Issues With Both Schools of Thought

I find the philosophical Satanist and their understanding of the World to be vital to understanding why one should DO the DO, so to speak. One has to find a growing hatred with things that want to oppress human nature, with ways of life that oppress this phenomenon all of us attempt to describe, that want to force you into some kind of box and make you conform to their standards.

Once that hatred is found, declaring a personal war on the status quo is the next logical step. Deciding that you will cut your own Path, do your own thing, try to discover who you really are free of these societal memes is a logical next step. What's the point in being able to point to and understand something if you do not act on that realization?

My own personal contention with the Philosophical Satanist is that to many do just that. They recognize the phenomenon and then stop. They do nothing else whatsoever. They may rant and rage about this and that, but ultimately they are full of hot air. Like the teenager who HATES their parents but never sneaks out, never dyes their hair an outrageous color, they just keep doing what their parents say. All of the rebelling takes place inside their mind. So it fails ultimately.

The Praxis Satanist has another pox that exists in its camp. It's people that make the claim that they are doing all of these grand, evil, Sinister shit but they're really not. They're chest thumping and honestly, are more fucking annoying than almost anything else I run into. I find people that run around bragging or acting like they are completely immoral to be missing some fundamental thing I have found since I started breaking my own psychological chains.

I spend most of my time when this is done and done right feeling anything but victorious. It makes me feel melancholic, lonely, bitter, small, defenseless, weak, and scared. I want to go back and not know what I now know. I want to cry and beat my head against a wall for hours. I feel less like a bad ass everyday and more vulnerable than ever, more fragile, more human. NOBODY ever told me that's what the 'doing' of Satanism gets you. NOBODY attached a warning label to it. They all ran around talking about how awesome and free they feel. The bastards lied to me, they beat their chests and denied the darker aspects of this shit. Sometimes in my darkest moments I wonder if I am somehow not doing this the right way. All of my realizations are just how small, weak and pathetic I really am.

Conclusion

Both schools of thought have something to offer and one should read all of these perspectives in order to understand what they are getting into and why it is important. Go farther than just reading some shit though, don't be luke-warm about your Satanism. There should be more fire in the belly of a Satanist than a Christian. Let them live lives that are not reflecting their chosen Paths.

FS

Rant A Little, Rant A Lot

In life and modern society there is a gross idea that a woman is responsible for a violent crime if she behaves or dresses in a certain manner. The worst part is that this idea is most commonly perpetuated by women about other women. I see posts like this all the time: Don't tell people you're a naughty girl and not expect retaliation. Don't walk around with your tits hanging out or in a short skirt and not expect to get raped??

What the fuck is wrong with you people? Is this the motherfucking dark ages? Are you a member of the Taliban?? This mentality is what keeps women in the Middle East wearing fucking beekeeper outfits as everyday wear. This is remnants of the mentality that got women burned at the stake for not fitting in and conforming to the standard of the day. This is the reason people were stoned.

It disgusts me for a lot of reasons. It paints men as some kind of monster that doesn't have the self control to realize that just because a woman is displaying her goods, doesn't mean they're for sale. It paints men as the type of creature that just bangs women over the head and has their way with them because they can't control their urges.

It puts an odd level of responsibility on a woman's shoulders. I'm supposed to what, figure out the line that won't make men lose control and only wear things in that clothing range. I'm supposed to, after being physically assaulted sit around and try to figure out if I did something to turn that guy on?

I'm drawing my line in the sand and calling bullshit on ALL OF THIS.

1. Rape is not about sexual desire in 'traditional'terms. Rape is a form of violence, it just happens to be a sexual assault as opposed to physical assault. It's not that a woman looked so good a guy was completely overwhelmed by sexual desire and his brain turned off. Rape is about dominance, d00d's wires are crossed and violence turns them on. In my self defense class I learned several techniques to prevent physical assault (rape is a physical assault). One was to not protect the image of a victim. Has nothing to do with what you wear, it has to do with body language, look straight ahead, shoulders back, project an aura of confidence, not victimization. The other one was if someone does grab you and starts raping you don't cry, don't struggle, don't beg. Just lay there. A good number of times they will lose arousal as a result of this.

2. I have been completely naked in front of lots of men for a living. Most treat you with an odd kind of reverence when you are half dressed or undressed. Men don't lose all of their faculties at the sight of a woman nude. They can still THINK. Hell, they can discuss the stock market with you or their job with no problem.

3. American women are weird. They think that projecting an overly sexual image is an indication of being sexually mature. Y'all know what I'm talking about. The woman who tells you how much she likes to give head. The woman who tells you about all the threesomes she's had. The woman who calls herself shit like dirty girl. This kind of sexuality is indicative of being sexually immature and not really knowing what she wants. It's the equivalent of a little girl in her mommy's high heels wearing red lipstick. I personally feel Western sexuality is so in your face because most people are still uncomfortable with their sexuality.

4. I frequently use sexual manipulation to gain in life. I make no apologies for this, it's like breathing for me, sometimes I am not aware I am doing it. One thing I have learned in life is that Women aren't as physically strong as men, one of the things women have in their toolbox that works to gain in life is sexual manipulation. The mentality I am talking about in this blog, disempowers women.

5. I wear clothes that could be considered slutty because they make me feel good about myself. If I am wearing a short skirt and low cut shirt, I have more confidence than if I am laying around in sweat pants (which I have on at this moment). I hate wearing jeans, always have. So I wear clothing that qualifies as someone who 'deserves it' in the eyes of some women. Men aren't chasing me down the street to rape me on a continuous basis. Personal experience bitches.

6. Get a weapon and wear it in a visible manner. For fucks sake people, the best form of protection from physical assault is being able and ready to defend yourself. Remember the confidence I talked about earlier?? Yeah, exactly.

7. Common fucking sense. Don't walk down the street in a bad neighborhood at night dressed to provoke a man's sexual desires. If you got to go in an area like that at night, dress like an undercover cop. Ponytail, mirrored sunglasses, jeans, blazer, visible side arm.

Now I know some people are going to claim personal responsibility on this one and I agree. I have not put all responsibility on men in this blog, the opposite is actually the case. A woman is responsible for being capable of protecting herself. This rarely has to do with what you wear. This has to do with your ability to knock someone the fuck out. Project the aura of Warrior not victim.

/End rant