I'm Just A Girl

That's all you'll let me be, oh I'm just a girl living in captivity.... (Gwen Stefani)

Sorry, all I was rocking out with my breasts out. :)

I don't make many apologies for what I am, Unless I am feeling hypocritical as fuck. A certain problem that has remained in my pursuit of the LHP is that I am a woman. I know this sounds stupid, but it's true.

When I walk a mean street I walk it in fear. In some of my doings of Satanism I have realized that a man symbolizes protection in certain situations. Having one by your side means you are less likely to get fucked with. It doesn't matter how bad ass you are in you head, in the real, where people fucking bleed for talking shit, as a woman you are a walking victim. You're smaller, you're weaker, you can be hurt easier. It doesn't matter if you have training, you are a bunny, not a lion.

I know that most women who claim to be Satanists are the equivalent of the bitch on the back of the bike. They're not a biker, they're the biker's bitch. Arm candy, a hole to have things inserted in, a groupie, not a force to be reckoned with in their own right.

I am different, I am a biker. Hell, I have a bitch or two on the back of my bike when I roll down the street. It's just the way it is. I don't want to be the monster's girlfriend, I want to be a monster in my own right.

So I actually walk my motherfucking walk. Even when it puts me in dangerous situations, even when it drags me kicking and screaming to stare at the abyss.

Danger occurs for me more than it would for a man. I have crackheads walk up to me and grab me by my arm and ask me if I want to party. I have had four guys surround me and say, 'You think you can just walk off looking the way that you do and saying the shit that you just said.' I got one down, but they made me bleed.

And my little bunny instinct kicks in and says 'RUN!!!!' I refuse to listen to it. I walk around like I am not going to die, like I am not going to suffer the ultimate consequence for living the lifestyle that I do. The bushido code can be summed up as live like you're dying. The whole idea is to die a good death with your honor not laying at your feet. That book is more my creed, my modus operandi than anything LaVey wrote. It's actually deep if you don't skim it people.

Recently some of the restrictions I have had on myself have been lifted. I have lost the only thing that stopped me from actually becoming a Satan in the real, where it matters. I'm the bad guy of that tale and it's one that will never leave my lips. I deserve the Hell I am currently walking in.

So for better or worse, I am not half assing it anymore. I find that as a woman, I am quite simply the prey of men. Yep, that's right humans are at the top of the motherfucking food chain but men sit above women. This is about physicality, not mental prowess or any hidden sacred feminine bullshit. In some situations the only thing that matters is who is stronger physically, who can hit harder and who has more stamina.

Women want to pretend this is not reality. They want to hide the fact that they are prey, that they have a little bunny instict telling them not to rock the boat, to hide and to run. The fact of the matter is this wouldn't be a Patriarchal society if men didn't dominate women in some way. If you take off the rose colored glasses and step out of the bubble of society it's there and it's manifest every day. Go sleep on the streets as a woman and see what the outcome is. Go walk through a shitty neighborhood sometime. Go out of the suburbs, off your beaten path and see what lays in the darkness seeking to take you down as a woman.

Now I was raised to play out the worst case scenario in my head before I do anything. This is actually bad advice by the way because my mind is always like 'and then everyone died.' It was my mothers way of saying see things aren't that bad. What it has done most often for me is bring out the little bunny instinct and make me go, 'nope fuck that.' So I spent a good number of years in a constant state of fear, waiting for someone to hurt me.

Here's the thing though, humans avoid pain. I have avoided situations in the past just to not hurt a little. The thing is, hurt is cleansing in a way. You can take more physically than you ever thought you could. When blood runs down your face because you actually stood the fuck up, you have a Jesus Christ I survived that moment. When you have another one of those and another one, it hits you like a ton of bricks. They may hurt me but I would truly prefer to die on my feet than live on my knees. I truly want to die with my honor intact, to know that I kicked that bunny instinct once and for all.

Women will avoid that conflict at all costs. As prey we are designed to be peace makers, not fighters. Thing is it wasn't always that way. Women were Warriors for a long ass time. Satanism is just that a motherfucking Warrior Ethos. It's not black and listening to death metal. It's not being the arm candy to some big guy and giggling like a school girl when he says something. I would much prefer to be an anomaly than the alternative, it's dishonorable as fuck to just turn the other cheek.