The Creeping Onset of Loneliness

Just fuck off and leave me alone. Like that it's done, a relationship that I mistakenly got emotionally invested in lost. I'm not going to call, write, show up, cause a scene, make a bunch of drunk texts to try to reengage you, I am done as well. I am not built to beg to be in someone's life, either you get me or you don't, either you are on the level or you're not.

Here's the problem I currently have, I have been alone for a long time, even in relationships. A little individual ship doing its own thing for a long ass time. I don't get emotionally involved, not on more than a surface level, letting people in causes pain, it lets them hurt you, it lets them prove themselves to be distrustful pieces of shit. It's waaayyyy easier to be alone (even in a group) than to be open hearted for two seconds.

Then a motherfucker gets to me, they seem to be one of mine,they actually manage to get me to open up the vault for them. I let them in, I start feeling warm gushy feelings of being safe, being accepted, hell let's get honest here, being loved for the first time in a long time. It feels good, I feel like maybe I was wrong about other people and my long reigning attitude of me being the only person I can depend on or trust is false.

Then I get fucking betrayed, again. This time I feel something though and it's not my typical murderous, misanthropic, thanks for proving me right rage. No, I get hurt and it's a big hurt. Not over this specific incident but at the fact that I am lonely. I can feel it, this big gaping fucking hole in my life that has been there forever and I was numb to it. After so long of feeling that loneliness, I got used to it, it became something that almost didn't exist, not on a surface level. No, my loneliness,which has been there since I was a child,is palatable.

I want to be held, I want someone else to put their arms around me, tell me it's going to be okay and I want to believe them, I want to know everything is safe now in that split second. I want to exhale, not be on my guard so much, I want that low level of fear I walk around with all the time to disappear. I want what a good parent can give a child, what a good man, a really good man gives to a woman, what a best friend is capable of, the ability to be safe and be safe because that other person is there and they are bigger and stronger than whatever wants to hurt you.

It's irrational and it's stupid but it's there, that I want to connect with someone on THAT level. I also realize I have wanted that for a long time and that I cover it up because it feels so goddamn needy. I seek out men that are capable of hurting me (and willing to) because they can hurt others if they are going to be that safe oasis I find. I seek parental figures because my parents were incapable of providing that feeling of safety. My friends tend to be younger because I am very good at providing this for someone else. None of that gives me what I want though.

When I think on the concept of religion, I realize it provides that for a good number of people. A place they can feel safe, warm, loved, etc. A loving God to replace what other individuals, individuals of your own kind should provide. A parental figure that never lets you down, a best friend who is never to be busy to be there, an instant good man that gives you exactly what you need. I realize it's part of the delusion that makes faith such a powerful goddamn thing, it lets the mind believe you finally found that oasis in the storm of fucked up people and fucked up situations. The truth is you didn't really find that though, you just found a band-aid as powerful as my numbness was. You just embraced a concept that made you feel less alone, I ain't doing that shit.

I realize I have three choices here. I can feel the void with something that doesn't really fill it, religion, lots of hot sex, drugs and alcohol or something else that cause the numbness to return. I can really look at it, realize where it comes from and fix whatever it is that makes me feel this loneliness. Maybe I can be my own oasis from the sea of fucked up people and fucked up situations. Maybe I can realize some big fucking epiphany that makes me say "holy fuck that is what that is" like I have trust issues or something else.

The third choice is even harder, maybe that's the real reality shit I feel. Maybe the World is just a sea of fucked up people and fucked up situations waiting to take you down, waiting to fuck you over and I SHOULD be afraid, I should always be on my guard, I should trust no one, not even myself because I am fucking human as well. I should feel this big fucking hole in my life because NOTHING EXISTS THAT CAN FILL IT.

Life keeps teaching me that I alone. No God to save me, no religion to fill my cup, no person to make me whole, no parent to make me feel like the World and all its bullshit will go away, nothing, I have nothing over and over again. It makes me feel worthless, like I am less than human for being who and what I am. A part of me screams "I am WORTHY of love and trust and some other shit that I need" while the other part says, "Darling, no human being is worthy of that and you are human, so very human." I am that thing, human. I am full of flaws, imperfections, fuck ups, screwing other people over, and other manipulative shit that only the human species is capable of.

I feel the creeping onset of loneliness in my life, with no resolution. I AM alone and always will be, because no human being can provide what I need, including myself.

Belonging...

Everyone wants to find others like them, people that feel like family. So, the hole in your heart from being unusual or different is filled, to find the missing piece of you. It's why we develop interpersonal relationships. It's why children are borne, friends are made. An inner pain that all humans have.

Much like any pain, that loneliness, that need to belong is the catalyst for growth, the reason any individual engages others. It's the form of pain that has produced all communities.,societies, and families. In order to stop feeling driftless, hopeless and lonely.

The cost of trying to squash that pain is influence. Others are let in to dull that pain, leading to emotional exposure, the opportunity exists to get hurt. You can be ousted by your group, disrespected by someone you are emotionally attached to. You're lover can decide you are unworthy. You're family may decide your lifestyle is abhorrent and unacceptable. Then what?

Answer :pain. Everyone can wax philosophical until the cows come home about "not giving a damn" but when it's your people on some level you DO care. You wonder what you could have done differently. You wonder if maybe they are right.

When I started practicing Satanism, I went all in.. I vowed that I wouldn't go halfway and be done with it. I vowed it would be the focus of my life and that I would live in accordance with it's principles. To never plateau or decide I am some know it all, pretentious asshat.

Mission accomplished so far. However, I am losing relationships left and right. My father won't speak to me because I am not LaVeyan and he thinks the ONA is to extreme. My mother and sister I cut out voluntarily but it hurts today and I can't give in, I can't call worthless dross people. My in laws think I am crazy for doing the things I've done recently. I have lost friends, quite a few for refusing to do what they want me to.

Should I feel pride for sticking to my path? Should I rail and rage against the injustice these people have done to me? Should I pretend it doesn't matter to me?

I don't have the emotional energy to pull it off. At this moment it just hurts. Good thing I embrace pain, it's when I know I'm alive and that I am going to learn. Anyway, fuck it. Happy Thanksgiving.

FS3.0