The Creeping Onset of Loneliness

Just fuck off and leave me alone. Like that it's done, a relationship that I mistakenly got emotionally invested in lost. I'm not going to call, write, show up, cause a scene, make a bunch of drunk texts to try to reengage you, I am done as well. I am not built to beg to be in someone's life, either you get me or you don't, either you are on the level or you're not.

Here's the problem I currently have, I have been alone for a long time, even in relationships. A little individual ship doing its own thing for a long ass time. I don't get emotionally involved, not on more than a surface level, letting people in causes pain, it lets them hurt you, it lets them prove themselves to be distrustful pieces of shit. It's waaayyyy easier to be alone (even in a group) than to be open hearted for two seconds.

Then a motherfucker gets to me, they seem to be one of mine,they actually manage to get me to open up the vault for them. I let them in, I start feeling warm gushy feelings of being safe, being accepted, hell let's get honest here, being loved for the first time in a long time. It feels good, I feel like maybe I was wrong about other people and my long reigning attitude of me being the only person I can depend on or trust is false.

Then I get fucking betrayed, again. This time I feel something though and it's not my typical murderous, misanthropic, thanks for proving me right rage. No, I get hurt and it's a big hurt. Not over this specific incident but at the fact that I am lonely. I can feel it, this big gaping fucking hole in my life that has been there forever and I was numb to it. After so long of feeling that loneliness, I got used to it, it became something that almost didn't exist, not on a surface level. No, my loneliness,which has been there since I was a child,is palatable.

I want to be held, I want someone else to put their arms around me, tell me it's going to be okay and I want to believe them, I want to know everything is safe now in that split second. I want to exhale, not be on my guard so much, I want that low level of fear I walk around with all the time to disappear. I want what a good parent can give a child, what a good man, a really good man gives to a woman, what a best friend is capable of, the ability to be safe and be safe because that other person is there and they are bigger and stronger than whatever wants to hurt you.

It's irrational and it's stupid but it's there, that I want to connect with someone on THAT level. I also realize I have wanted that for a long time and that I cover it up because it feels so goddamn needy. I seek out men that are capable of hurting me (and willing to) because they can hurt others if they are going to be that safe oasis I find. I seek parental figures because my parents were incapable of providing that feeling of safety. My friends tend to be younger because I am very good at providing this for someone else. None of that gives me what I want though.

When I think on the concept of religion, I realize it provides that for a good number of people. A place they can feel safe, warm, loved, etc. A loving God to replace what other individuals, individuals of your own kind should provide. A parental figure that never lets you down, a best friend who is never to be busy to be there, an instant good man that gives you exactly what you need. I realize it's part of the delusion that makes faith such a powerful goddamn thing, it lets the mind believe you finally found that oasis in the storm of fucked up people and fucked up situations. The truth is you didn't really find that though, you just found a band-aid as powerful as my numbness was. You just embraced a concept that made you feel less alone, I ain't doing that shit.

I realize I have three choices here. I can feel the void with something that doesn't really fill it, religion, lots of hot sex, drugs and alcohol or something else that cause the numbness to return. I can really look at it, realize where it comes from and fix whatever it is that makes me feel this loneliness. Maybe I can be my own oasis from the sea of fucked up people and fucked up situations. Maybe I can realize some big fucking epiphany that makes me say "holy fuck that is what that is" like I have trust issues or something else.

The third choice is even harder, maybe that's the real reality shit I feel. Maybe the World is just a sea of fucked up people and fucked up situations waiting to take you down, waiting to fuck you over and I SHOULD be afraid, I should always be on my guard, I should trust no one, not even myself because I am fucking human as well. I should feel this big fucking hole in my life because NOTHING EXISTS THAT CAN FILL IT.

Life keeps teaching me that I alone. No God to save me, no religion to fill my cup, no person to make me whole, no parent to make me feel like the World and all its bullshit will go away, nothing, I have nothing over and over again. It makes me feel worthless, like I am less than human for being who and what I am. A part of me screams "I am WORTHY of love and trust and some other shit that I need" while the other part says, "Darling, no human being is worthy of that and you are human, so very human." I am that thing, human. I am full of flaws, imperfections, fuck ups, screwing other people over, and other manipulative shit that only the human species is capable of.

I feel the creeping onset of loneliness in my life, with no resolution. I AM alone and always will be, because no human being can provide what I need, including myself.

Superiority Complex

How do you judge your superiority? Is it based on other people or being better than you were previously?

I see the former a shitload on the internet. People who say well I am better, I am superior, I am the highest embodiment of life, because I am better than you. I find this to be an ultimately self defeating mindset to operate under.

Why? Some other motherfucker out there is stronger, bigger, faster and smarter than you. Fact. You are not the biggest, baddest and strongest their is in the entire World. None of us are.

I tend to see the concept of Might is Right or Will To Power in a more compartmentalized fashion. What I mean is that for each area of life, what is stronger triumphs over what is weaker. So the better looking woman wins the looks contest, while the stronger man wins the strength contest. You get the idea and none of us are going to post all tens across the board.

So you can see yourself as Superior because you are better than a bunch of other idiots out there. You can, once again, derive your sense of self from others, even if it's from a Superiority stance.

Or you can turn that inward, invert this idea and use it to shape yourself, to evolve yourself somehow. Are you Superior to the old you, the you that existed a week ago, a month ago or a year ago? Are the results of what you engage in tangible? Can you see the effects of the physical exertion? Do you think in a different way, have you learned something more about yourself from an experience you have had?

If not, you are the same old monkey you have always been. You aren't Superior, you're just another person deriving their sense of worth from others while mouthing off.

I KNOW I am Superior to the old me. Hell, I am Superior to the me that logged on to the interwebz two years ago. I find the old me (from two years ago) to be a high maintenance, whiny, ass kissing, pseudo intellectual little bitch.

I have said it before, when I am looking at others, I really only look for one thing, an evolution of thought to be occurring. This is tangible, even via the interwebz. You can read someone else's opinions change, you can see the results of an Adversarial Praxis in play, even if it is just via what they write.

That's what I tend to respect, those people where I see that evolution. Those are the people that have always made my respect list. If you make my shit kicking list, it is for one reason: I don't see it in you. You are at the same place, spouting the same shit you did the moment I met you.

Either do the work or GTFO. Make yourself Superior to the old you, period. Being Superior to the average jackass is easy. Doing the work to change yourself, to understand who you really are, breaking the chains you have on your psyche is way more fucking difficult.

FS

The Art Of Being A Bitch

In life, when conflict occurs, a person has two choices. Fight or flight.

As a woman, my first instinct is to flee. Especially if I am in a conflict with a male. I even catch myself having thoughts like, be careful he could pop your head like a grape, did you see his arms? He could bash your face in and not think twice about it.

But I can't shut up. Never have been able to. For some reason that split second of fear makes me start running my mouth. I have the life experience of being with an abusive boyfriend and I took more beatings because of this inability to just be quiet, even if my life is at risk, even if I know what's coming. It's who I am, rather it's stupid or not. Rather it causes me physical pain or not.

Whenever, I find an innate personality characteristic my first instinct is to call bullshit on it. This normally leads to failed attempts to correct, alter or change this behavior. Like my failed New Years Resolution to "quit popping off at the mouth so much."

Between internet comments that I should "not give a damn", to my husband saying, "look if you would quit jumping into attack mode all the time, we could communicate effectively", I thought this was a correctable character defect.

However, by day ten, I was back to form on this one. Wound up calling my best friend and she said something that stuck out. She said, "I have known  you since you were 13 and you have always been a loud mouthed, opinionated, dramatic bitch. Ever think that's just who you are?"

As we continued to talk, I realized she was right (people reading this don't need to know all that ancient history) . She also said that I make being a bitch an art.

This made me realize that fighting instinct I have, rather childish, stupid, immature or whatever to others, is not going anywhere. I also realized it's only a character defect if I think it is. While I could choose my battles more carefully, I ain't gonna stop arguing, disagreeing, or expressing how I feel, way to loudly at times.

Just because others don't like what you do, doesn't make them right. Just because they call you names, insult you, claim you're a host of things, doesn't mean it's not some innate "youness" shining through.

So I won't wind up being some non confrontational Zen Master type, having overcome all instinct and emotion. So I won't wind up just walking away if I feel called out by someone. That's okay.

I just found another itty bitty piece of me, the real me, not who I was conditioned to be. That's worth a failed New Years Resolution. That's worth the horror of the online lookey loos.

I am a loud mouthed, opinionated, dramatic bitch.

FS