Demons Don't Dream...

These inner demons kick at you, punch you, fight you, berate you, insult you, they tear you down from the inside out. That voice that says you aren't good enough, those things in your life saying you haven't done enough, are designed to stop you, to make you quit. To make you scream in frustration at the fact that no matter how hard you try you don't control anything but yourself.

Worthless, vapid, stupid, just a woman, a tool to be used to advance your own agenda. That's all I am to everyone else most of the time. And I know it. I know it's why this person and that person has done the things they have done to me, why they have said the things they have to me, or about me when they thought I wouldn't hear, that it wouldn't get back to me.

How do I know this? Because I treat you the same exact way. I just cover it up and justify it by saying I am not as bad as they are. That I am less manipulative, that I don't view people as a stereotype. It's bullshit, the reason I hate you is the reason I hate myself. Because I am human and the dark side of humanity, the demon within all of us makes me a disgusting, cruel creature, capable of atrocities beyond the scope that the human mind can process.

Lying, cheating, stealing, manipulating, covering it up in justifications that make myself a good person, the kind of person someone else would actually want to be around. But, I'm not and neither are you.

Do you fear that side of yourself? You fucking should. Do you fear that side of me or others you encounter? You should.

Get fucking paranoid, look around you and realize the people you care about the most are probably using you for their own gain. Get fucking proud and refuse to be used by others any longer. Get fucking real, quit crying in the corner and say to yourself, I am going to use them just as well as they use me. Quit giving a damn about what others think. Carve your own motherfucking path and to Hell with what your parents say, people you respect say, your friends say, your partner says, your conscience screams. They are all trying to stop you from getting real. They are all trying to stop you from living your own truth. YOU are stopping you at this very moment from facing what true freedom is and can be.

Demons don't dream, they don't sit around and talk about what they are going to do. Demons do.

The Art Of Being A Bitch

In life, when conflict occurs, a person has two choices. Fight or flight.

As a woman, my first instinct is to flee. Especially if I am in a conflict with a male. I even catch myself having thoughts like, be careful he could pop your head like a grape, did you see his arms? He could bash your face in and not think twice about it.

But I can't shut up. Never have been able to. For some reason that split second of fear makes me start running my mouth. I have the life experience of being with an abusive boyfriend and I took more beatings because of this inability to just be quiet, even if my life is at risk, even if I know what's coming. It's who I am, rather it's stupid or not. Rather it causes me physical pain or not.

Whenever, I find an innate personality characteristic my first instinct is to call bullshit on it. This normally leads to failed attempts to correct, alter or change this behavior. Like my failed New Years Resolution to "quit popping off at the mouth so much."

Between internet comments that I should "not give a damn", to my husband saying, "look if you would quit jumping into attack mode all the time, we could communicate effectively", I thought this was a correctable character defect.

However, by day ten, I was back to form on this one. Wound up calling my best friend and she said something that stuck out. She said, "I have known  you since you were 13 and you have always been a loud mouthed, opinionated, dramatic bitch. Ever think that's just who you are?"

As we continued to talk, I realized she was right (people reading this don't need to know all that ancient history) . She also said that I make being a bitch an art.

This made me realize that fighting instinct I have, rather childish, stupid, immature or whatever to others, is not going anywhere. I also realized it's only a character defect if I think it is. While I could choose my battles more carefully, I ain't gonna stop arguing, disagreeing, or expressing how I feel, way to loudly at times.

Just because others don't like what you do, doesn't make them right. Just because they call you names, insult you, claim you're a host of things, doesn't mean it's not some innate "youness" shining through.

So I won't wind up being some non confrontational Zen Master type, having overcome all instinct and emotion. So I won't wind up just walking away if I feel called out by someone. That's okay.

I just found another itty bitty piece of me, the real me, not who I was conditioned to be. That's worth a failed New Years Resolution. That's worth the horror of the online lookey loos.

I am a loud mouthed, opinionated, dramatic bitch.

FS