Demons Don't Dream...

These inner demons kick at you, punch you, fight you, berate you, insult you, they tear you down from the inside out. That voice that says you aren't good enough, those things in your life saying you haven't done enough, are designed to stop you, to make you quit. To make you scream in frustration at the fact that no matter how hard you try you don't control anything but yourself.

Worthless, vapid, stupid, just a woman, a tool to be used to advance your own agenda. That's all I am to everyone else most of the time. And I know it. I know it's why this person and that person has done the things they have done to me, why they have said the things they have to me, or about me when they thought I wouldn't hear, that it wouldn't get back to me.

How do I know this? Because I treat you the same exact way. I just cover it up and justify it by saying I am not as bad as they are. That I am less manipulative, that I don't view people as a stereotype. It's bullshit, the reason I hate you is the reason I hate myself. Because I am human and the dark side of humanity, the demon within all of us makes me a disgusting, cruel creature, capable of atrocities beyond the scope that the human mind can process.

Lying, cheating, stealing, manipulating, covering it up in justifications that make myself a good person, the kind of person someone else would actually want to be around. But, I'm not and neither are you.

Do you fear that side of yourself? You fucking should. Do you fear that side of me or others you encounter? You should.

Get fucking paranoid, look around you and realize the people you care about the most are probably using you for their own gain. Get fucking proud and refuse to be used by others any longer. Get fucking real, quit crying in the corner and say to yourself, I am going to use them just as well as they use me. Quit giving a damn about what others think. Carve your own motherfucking path and to Hell with what your parents say, people you respect say, your friends say, your partner says, your conscience screams. They are all trying to stop you from getting real. They are all trying to stop you from living your own truth. YOU are stopping you at this very moment from facing what true freedom is and can be.

Demons don't dream, they don't sit around and talk about what they are going to do. Demons do.

I Hope You Dance

Sometimes you have a moment so fucking profound it's almost impossible to put into words.

So here's the scene... I am at a Music In The Park thing. Local bands playing live music. I get there and the first thing, in fact the most noticeable thing is this black guy. He's the only person dancing. He looks well ... wild in comparison to your average sheeple. Long hair, combat boots, etc.

Now I am a people watcher. And I notice the reaction of people as they walk past him. They either stare or pretend he doesn't exist. Looks of disgust are thrown his way. Every once in awhile he gets a hug, like he's the token freak.

As I watch I notice something else. He's into it, he's happy. Is the average person there? No. They are distracted. Clutching their cellphones, yelling at their kids, just completely disengaged, completely miserable, completely blah in comparison.

I say to my husband, "Look. He's the only Individual here. He's the only one in the moment. "  So he starts watching. Idiots that dye their hair green to be nonconformists, ignoring or being disgusted at the only person doing their own thing, LOL.

So, a new band comes up. I get up when they start. I am going to dance to. There's a fucking area for dancing for fucks sake. So I danced. I just let go, I just let the music move me as well. I 'get over' my instinct to just sit like everyone else.

Here's what's funny. Within five minutes two little girls join me. Then more. I open my eyes and one point and see five little kids standing in a line staring at me. I smile and keep dancing. They dance, I dance, awesome ass black dude dances. Parents start encouraging their kids to dance as well.

A little boy starts whooping for the band. I develop a fan in a red headed man. He smiles at me, claps for me, whistles a few times.

It is a 30 minute moment  that can only be described as Numinous, almost holy in nature. I can't describe the emotional response I had. I was fighting back tears at the beauty of this moment me, this man and these children are having.

I get done and am emotionally rocked. Questions fill my mind. Why children and not adults? Why did I get a different reception than he did? Why did people quit viewing him as a freak when I got up? Why did adults sway on their blankets, rather than dance?

It was a reflection of a fundamental fact... One person does something ANYTHING out of the norm, they're crazy. Two or more, a movement of sorts.

Now I deal in Darkness. In Hell on Earth at times. In things that shake the psyche to the core. But this, this dancing was the same way. A 'positive' psychological shakeup. A stepping outside of the normal in favor of doing what I want.

I said to the guy afterwards, "You made my day." He told me I made his as well. Asked me if I was coming back. I said yes.

And I will DANCE.