That's When A Smoke Was A Smoke..

and groovin' was groovin',

dancing was everything, we were young and we were improving. - John Mellancamp


This song is about the days when you were young, when you didn't know shit about the World. It resonates with me at this moment because I have come into contact with some of the people from a time period in my life that was just that. What I find remarkable is the differences and similarities between each person then and now.

I was an orange haired stripper with a "band" called Bludstan (bloodstain). A punk/metal fushion outfit. We were awful, the only redeeming thing about that band was that we stopped making people's ears bleed by playing the garbage that had been written by us.

My husband was my boyfriend. He hung out with a different band called Hoar. He was their songwriter, any day they were going to get a record deal, no really Road Runner records was interested. He spent most of his time smoking pot and playing video games. Now he runs his own small business, doesn't write at all, rarely plays video games, has four children and a wife.

His best friend S was so fucking talented. He was the producer of the band, he was a working producer, had a job on Music Row doing that. He produced rap bands, rock bands, hell anything. He could play the bass, guitar, keyboards, and drums. He also wrote music. Today, he's getting his degree in finance, he's going to be a college professor. He doesn't really play music at all. It makes me sad to see him all grown up, so much talent, wasted.


There were two twin brothers as well. They were the main players behind Hoar. The sad thing is this, they are a snap shot into the past. They are still, 12 years later waiting for that record deal to manifest. They still dress the same, look the same, talk the same, there's been no change whatsoever.

It's an odd thing to look back on those that you knew a long ass time ago. When you were young, stupid and full of dreams. It reminds you of who you were before you really started living, who you were before the kids, the marriage, the knocks of life had changed you, made you grow the fuck up.

I don't think 'gah those times were great', I think 'what the hell was I thinking'. I thought I knew everything about the World and I was simply a child. I was so optimistic back then, so full of hope, so full of dreams.

I do miss the music. I miss making it, I miss being an active part of that subculture. Guess that means I should add that to my already busy life. Do some grooving again, let go of the rest for just a little while. A part of me hesitates because I am not optimistic anymore, I understand that my skill level rests just above non-existent and right in the suck range.

Little Girls

When I watch my daughters play with other little girls, I begin to think about the Female Archetypes that exist. See, girls play less aggressively than little boys do. They imitate being mommies, they pretend to be Models, they play with Barbies and dolls.

It makes me wonder how little girls played when some of my favorite Archetypes were part of their Society's structure. Goddesses like Inanna, Ishtar, Artemis, Athena, etc. Were girls as aggressive as boys when a Female Warrior Archetype was accepted. Did they pretend to shoot bows and arrows, like my sons do with guns? Did they wrestle with each other? Punch each other in the arm? Did those girls say when I grow up I wanna be a Warrior? Or when I grow up I wanna be a prostitute?

Some of the associations that Femaleness has in this current Western, Secular Society I live in make sense. Motherhood is obvious. Weakness physically, especially in comparison to men makes sense as well. The constant sexual object association I get as well.

Take the Virgin Mary. I think about her as an Archetype quite a bit. I sometimes think she broke Femalehood, lol. Her SON according to this weird Mythology that is the basis of the Society I live in, died for no damn good reason. Just to please a Sky Daddy, that is an ass. He impregnates this poor woman, in order to have her son DIE for him. She is powerless throughout the entire story, a broken, weak, joke of a woman. She's not sexual, cause she was a Virgin. She's not powerful, she can't even stop the Death of her son. She just lays there throughout the New Testament, a colorless, lifeless vessel for this thing that is beyond her control.

Let me tell you something, I can put myself in her shoes and I don't fucking get it. How do you just stand by while your son is murdered and chalk it up to God's Will? Did she cry? Did she tear her hair out? Did she beat at the Guard's with her fists to stop them? Was she arrested for attempting to stop this thing from happening? Not according to most versions of that story. I would be fighting as much as I could for my boy. I just think about it, if she actually existed, she is the embodiment of Powerlessness, the Great Sorrow of being helpless when it comes to your child, your sexuality, etc.

Everyone knows its all about programming docile citizens for this Society, Hell for all Societies. The Virgin Mary is brilliant for taking away the power attached to Femaleness. She takes away the inherent right a woman has to control her own destiny and the destiny of her Child.

I only become MORE aggressive the more Physically Adept I become. It's like an end result of wanting to be a Modern Female Warrior and fighting like Hell to become one. But, the times in my life I have literally felt Homicidal Rage, were over my kids. Pre or Post, physical fitness. Didn't matter if I was 200 lobs or not. I will kill a Motherfucker for my kids.

When they were born this surge of Protectiveness mixed with Rage has overcame me. When that child was put in my arms, I thought the following, I will kill for you, I will steal for you, NO price is to great to see you thrive.

where's THAT in the Modern Mother Archetype? Cause I have never met a Mother, who wasn't the same way (expect for maybe mine, lol).

I want to be a Female Warrior and I am slowly becoming one. One step at a time. It's my journey, the one I am on now. And my main beef with Society lies in the fact that Female Archetypes are incomplete, spoiled by a Man's view of what Woman is or should be. It's time for women to start to define this for ourselves and say fuck it to Archetypes that lack our input, that are funhouse mirrors of Femininity. For MY daughters to have better than I did. For them to not experience the confusion I did for a long time at what Woman is and isn't.

It's why I do what I do. Isn't the Mother of a child the most fundamental Archetype they encounter? Their first Goddess before Religion begins to take over their little minds?

So I try to find ANY portrayals of Women as Warriors that I can. Here's one I found the other day that kinda stunned me. Katy Perry's video for her song Part Of Me. How fucking awesome is the message here? Well for me it sits at 10,00%. Bitch gets cheated on and dumped, Bitch cuts off all her hair, tapes down her boobs and becomes a ..... Marine!! A Modern Female Warrior! Not perfect but better than Mary needlessly mourning her son after succumbing to a Man's will.

Presentation Matters

In life the second you come into eyesight of another Individual, you are being judged. When you begin to speak to them, interact, etc others form an opinion.

Now this opinion is based on external features. You can be the World's best babysitter but if to have a cigarette hanging out of your mouth and every other word is a cuss word, you ain't getting the job.

A lot of people sit around and bemoan this fact. They say to never judge a book by its cover, take the time to get to know the person first. This is falsity on the most basic level. It dismisses the initial judgement. It dismisses the fact that these things matter, that what you present counts.

Now as a Satanist, how does one use this to their advantage? How do you use this whip, snap judgement call humans make to serve you, to make your life better?

In my opinion, LaVey captures this most accurately in The Satanic Witch. The art of manipulation takes many forms, including presenting yourself in a fashion that suits each situation.
If you deny this and cling to the idea that you deserve people to wait to figure out what you're really about, you will fail in life. You are being judged constantly, I am being judged constantly.

Does another's judgment of you matter? Yeah it does. If you want or need  something from them rather it's respect, love, affection, a job, whatever.  Then you will need to blend in and on some level conform to the standard they have set. Or else you aren't going to achieve that thing you desire. Pretty simple shit, eh?

When the major of my validation came from external factors, I never wanted to really conform to anybody else's standards about anything from clothing to the way I speak. It was really important to me to have a host of External things to define me. Without my torn jeans who was I? Without The Ramones being my favorite band, how would somebody get to know who I really was?

Now, I understand how these things are just that. The surface, the presentation. Not me as a person. That is bigger, broader and more in depth than the way I dress, who I hang out with or what I listen to. The judgment of others on that presentation, doesn't really matter.

What matters is my own judgement on my actions. I am harsher than my worst critics. I expect perfection, not good enough. I expect strength, even when others would run screaming away from a situation. I expect myself to be better, more than the average person I encounter. I expect MORE from myself than any critic I have ever ran across.

Why would I bother to hold myself to another's standard? I have a hard enough time living up to my own. I am a cruel bitch of a Master.