Welcome to Reality

Welcome to Reality. At least that's my own Personal end goal. To see things a little less through my own perspective and get a grasp on what the World, Humanity, etc is REALLY like.

Why? I am a pessimistic/optimist. I see myself in a very, very negative light and others, the events that surround me, etc through a positive, all people are innately kind and good scope. I know, I know but bear with me.

Now, I know all about WtP, etc but I just don't see others in a 'this person wants to exert their own power over me, this person wants me to bow to their desires' way. *sigh* After my latest foray into doing something outside the norm and something radical, I can see it now.

I have dealt with people man handling me to try to intimidate me. I have dealt with people throwing money (money is power after all) in my face as an attempt to gain sexual favors from me. I have had people steal from me. I have had people lie to me, just continuously.

I tend to take others at face value. It's a basic thing, everybody lies constantly. Some don't even realize they are doing it. They have lied to themselves at such a level they really believe what they are telling me. Due to that knowledge, I tend to just let things go.

I don't walk around thinking, 'Oh this motherfucker is gonna hurt me,' or 'Oh this motherfucker just wants something from me.'

Now I see that it's the way I lie to myself. I assume that others are being 'real' somehow. I assume others are not out to get theirs, even if they have to kick MY teeth in to do it. I assume others are going to follow through with what they say.

And it's a lie. People suck. I think it may be a Societal thing. Everything can seem so safe inside that little bubble. Everyone can seem so benign through that particular looking glass. So, I bought it. I may be at imminent risk of having some motherfucker blow my head off at any moment, or rape me, or torture me, or steal from me, but I can ignore it as long as I am inside that safe little bubble.

I can even say, well I have Self Defense training so I am safe. I am armed so I am safe. Not true, you get the right kinda motherfucker coming after you, they don't give a good goddamn how tough my teeny white girl ass thinks she is. They just want to take, they just want to exert that dominance over me somehow.

Now, I want to know these things, but the cost feels to heavy at times. If I really, really ask myself was I happier, did I feel safer before I started sticking my head in the lion's mouth for pleasure, the answer is an enthusiastic Yes.

Now, I am kinda scared, I feel like I live in a World full of this weird kinda innate cruelty, and that it wants to come after me, it DOES come after me just as hard as everyone else. That I am no more protected from that than the clueless, laughing little blonde Barbies I see.