Swallowing Your Teeth

Sometimes, it happens. Life and all of it's bullshit rocks you a bit. For all of my posturing about loving adversity, I only enjoy it until it makes me swallow my teeth.

I am not talking about any of this internet bullshit, I am talking about REAL SHIT. Death, disaster, illness, violence, life altering moments. Moments where the vacuous nature of adversarial discussions bleeds through because something real rocks you, knocks you on your ass, takes your breath out of you. Should I care that some moron made another sock account, when something really bad is happening right now, in front of my eyes and not on computer screen? Of course not and anyone who tries to conflate what happens online with what happens offline, is missing the point of what I am saying. I fully acknowledge that emotional investment online exists, I have it myself. I am simply trying to frame my little ramble so I don't get comments on it that make me want to hurt people. ;)

Recently I have seen more bad, life rocking shit than I saw in my previous 32 years. Every time yet another one of these pops up, the optimist popped up as well. I hate her she lives in my head and clouds my clarity. Give it time she says, things will go back to the way they were. You won't feel like this forever. These moments are passing. Every cloud has a silver lining. The bitch likes platitudes, lol.

What she is the same exact kind of hope and faith shit I am supposed to hate and despise but find my mind clinging to when the shit is hitting the fan. I know where this coping mechanism comes from. My dark and disaster ridden childhood. I learned from an early age that you always put on a good front. You cover up the darkness, the bumps, bruises, and emotional scars with a smile. You keep your shit bottled up. You shut the door on it when you leave the house and that's where it stays until you walk back in the door.

People truly don't give a fuck. They never have. Your disasters are yours. So when asked you put on a smile and say everything is fine. You don't talk about it, talking about is makes it more real somehow, talking about your own shit makes you have to hear people say things that sound exactly like that little voice in my head I despise. I am not an open person, I never have been and honestly, I don't want to be.

I will get through everything the same way that I always have. With my head down, my cloak of stubbornness on, and my sword of tenacity in my hand. Eventually, I will see the other side of what is happening. I always do.

Recently something is changing though. My mind and the way I perceive things is changing as well. I am starting to realize that I may be encountering my new normal, that I may be, just maybe, be getting to see the man behind the curtain of 'status quo' reality.

Those 32 previous years were Alice living in her own little Wonderland. Not just mentally but physically as well. That I was self entitled, pampered, spoiled little brat for the majority of my life. Dark childhood, please. Is it a Western thing? Abso-fucking-lutely. Unlike other people, I get that my Worldview and what I view as normal, acceptable, etc is directly in correlation with what well... everyone else views as normal and acceptable. That when it comes to the terra firma (sorry DD, it's a good way to say it) of my reality it is based in the smoke and mirrors that is the Western mindset.

So when things deviate from that, I find myself going what the fuck is this shit? Over and over again, into perpetuity.

I mention this because I realize that for me at least, I prefer conflict that I am victorious in. The kind where I lose and I lose big teaches me more, shapes my perspective more, but the emotional part of me just wants to throw up her hands, curl up into a ball and cry. The intellectual gets the necessity of real adversity, the kind where you lose, you almost don't get out alive and if you do, you are almost crippled psychologically. The other aspect, just wants it to stop.