I'm Just A Girl

That's all you'll let me be, oh I'm just a girl living in captivity.... (Gwen Stefani)

Sorry, all I was rocking out with my breasts out. :)

I don't make many apologies for what I am, Unless I am feeling hypocritical as fuck. A certain problem that has remained in my pursuit of the LHP is that I am a woman. I know this sounds stupid, but it's true.

When I walk a mean street I walk it in fear. In some of my doings of Satanism I have realized that a man symbolizes protection in certain situations. Having one by your side means you are less likely to get fucked with. It doesn't matter how bad ass you are in you head, in the real, where people fucking bleed for talking shit, as a woman you are a walking victim. You're smaller, you're weaker, you can be hurt easier. It doesn't matter if you have training, you are a bunny, not a lion.

I know that most women who claim to be Satanists are the equivalent of the bitch on the back of the bike. They're not a biker, they're the biker's bitch. Arm candy, a hole to have things inserted in, a groupie, not a force to be reckoned with in their own right.

I am different, I am a biker. Hell, I have a bitch or two on the back of my bike when I roll down the street. It's just the way it is. I don't want to be the monster's girlfriend, I want to be a monster in my own right.

So I actually walk my motherfucking walk. Even when it puts me in dangerous situations, even when it drags me kicking and screaming to stare at the abyss.

Danger occurs for me more than it would for a man. I have crackheads walk up to me and grab me by my arm and ask me if I want to party. I have had four guys surround me and say, 'You think you can just walk off looking the way that you do and saying the shit that you just said.' I got one down, but they made me bleed.

And my little bunny instinct kicks in and says 'RUN!!!!' I refuse to listen to it. I walk around like I am not going to die, like I am not going to suffer the ultimate consequence for living the lifestyle that I do. The bushido code can be summed up as live like you're dying. The whole idea is to die a good death with your honor not laying at your feet. That book is more my creed, my modus operandi than anything LaVey wrote. It's actually deep if you don't skim it people.

Recently some of the restrictions I have had on myself have been lifted. I have lost the only thing that stopped me from actually becoming a Satan in the real, where it matters. I'm the bad guy of that tale and it's one that will never leave my lips. I deserve the Hell I am currently walking in.

So for better or worse, I am not half assing it anymore. I find that as a woman, I am quite simply the prey of men. Yep, that's right humans are at the top of the motherfucking food chain but men sit above women. This is about physicality, not mental prowess or any hidden sacred feminine bullshit. In some situations the only thing that matters is who is stronger physically, who can hit harder and who has more stamina.

Women want to pretend this is not reality. They want to hide the fact that they are prey, that they have a little bunny instict telling them not to rock the boat, to hide and to run. The fact of the matter is this wouldn't be a Patriarchal society if men didn't dominate women in some way. If you take off the rose colored glasses and step out of the bubble of society it's there and it's manifest every day. Go sleep on the streets as a woman and see what the outcome is. Go walk through a shitty neighborhood sometime. Go out of the suburbs, off your beaten path and see what lays in the darkness seeking to take you down as a woman.

Now I was raised to play out the worst case scenario in my head before I do anything. This is actually bad advice by the way because my mind is always like 'and then everyone died.' It was my mothers way of saying see things aren't that bad. What it has done most often for me is bring out the little bunny instinct and make me go, 'nope fuck that.' So I spent a good number of years in a constant state of fear, waiting for someone to hurt me.

Here's the thing though, humans avoid pain. I have avoided situations in the past just to not hurt a little. The thing is, hurt is cleansing in a way. You can take more physically than you ever thought you could. When blood runs down your face because you actually stood the fuck up, you have a Jesus Christ I survived that moment. When you have another one of those and another one, it hits you like a ton of bricks. They may hurt me but I would truly prefer to die on my feet than live on my knees. I truly want to die with my honor intact, to know that I kicked that bunny instinct once and for all.

Women will avoid that conflict at all costs. As prey we are designed to be peace makers, not fighters. Thing is it wasn't always that way. Women were Warriors for a long ass time. Satanism is just that a motherfucking Warrior Ethos. It's not black and listening to death metal. It's not being the arm candy to some big guy and giggling like a school girl when he says something. I would much prefer to be an anomaly than the alternative, it's dishonorable as fuck to just turn the other cheek.

Demons Don't Dream...

These inner demons kick at you, punch you, fight you, berate you, insult you, they tear you down from the inside out. That voice that says you aren't good enough, those things in your life saying you haven't done enough, are designed to stop you, to make you quit. To make you scream in frustration at the fact that no matter how hard you try you don't control anything but yourself.

Worthless, vapid, stupid, just a woman, a tool to be used to advance your own agenda. That's all I am to everyone else most of the time. And I know it. I know it's why this person and that person has done the things they have done to me, why they have said the things they have to me, or about me when they thought I wouldn't hear, that it wouldn't get back to me.

How do I know this? Because I treat you the same exact way. I just cover it up and justify it by saying I am not as bad as they are. That I am less manipulative, that I don't view people as a stereotype. It's bullshit, the reason I hate you is the reason I hate myself. Because I am human and the dark side of humanity, the demon within all of us makes me a disgusting, cruel creature, capable of atrocities beyond the scope that the human mind can process.

Lying, cheating, stealing, manipulating, covering it up in justifications that make myself a good person, the kind of person someone else would actually want to be around. But, I'm not and neither are you.

Do you fear that side of yourself? You fucking should. Do you fear that side of me or others you encounter? You should.

Get fucking paranoid, look around you and realize the people you care about the most are probably using you for their own gain. Get fucking proud and refuse to be used by others any longer. Get fucking real, quit crying in the corner and say to yourself, I am going to use them just as well as they use me. Quit giving a damn about what others think. Carve your own motherfucking path and to Hell with what your parents say, people you respect say, your friends say, your partner says, your conscience screams. They are all trying to stop you from getting real. They are all trying to stop you from living your own truth. YOU are stopping you at this very moment from facing what true freedom is and can be.

Demons don't dream, they don't sit around and talk about what they are going to do. Demons do.

Warrior Ethos

That's what Satanism is, a 21st Century, largely misunderstood Warrior Ethos.

Within this 21st Century memeplex of oddness, you quickly learn anything Un Jehovah and Un Christ is Satanic. As you read up on the LHP, you will quickly run into female Goddesses, female representatives of the Itness, symbolized by Satan.

Now I love Goddesses, Warrior Goddesses in particular. There tends to exist an odd and frequently misunderstood association with them. They tend to possess a Warrior/Whore dichotomy, to their mythos.

There is a plethora of Goddesses that represent Female Warriors throughout history. Tiamat, Ishtar, Inanna, etc. A clear mark on history, that is completely alien to the average 21st Century mind.

What I see a lot of (and have been guilty of myself in the past)  is an embracing of the Whore as an archetype for women, particularly in the LHP and Satanic subculture. Or the embracing of the Intellectual or Gnostic side of these archetypes.

I once had a friend of mine write an impassioned essay telling women to drop the Whore portion and embrace the Intellectual side of things. Another complete misappropriation, imo.

What's being ignored? The Warrior side of these archetypes and constructs. Some flabby, fat ass Pagan claiming to be a priestess of Ishtar is missing the mark. Whore/Warrior Goddess. That means her Priestess should be a Warrior as well.

The greatest weapon a woman possesses is her sexuality and sexual favor. It is the one weakness men have  that can be constantly and consistently exploited. It's easy to do. So connotations of a sexually available Female Satan make sense.

But without the other portion, you have an incomplete archetype. Not one of those Whore Goddesses is portrayed without a weapon. Those Whore Goddesses also have War Stories, they are Goddesses of War.

So, if you are examining this Undercurrent of Satanism, the Feminine Connotations, what's the other side? Warriordom. In fact, the sexual side is simply a weapon, one of many. They're ALL weapons. The fundamental  misunderstanding between men and women. Your intelligence. Most importantly the Inherent Femaleness that makes a woman, a woman.

So, a fundamental for me, is to be a Warrior. To satisfy that base condition, physically. To be armed, to be tough, to be physically fit. To realize all the weapons I have at my disposal. Rather it's an ability to throw a decent right hook or bat my eyes and smile at the right moment.

Men do not get to sit and  define what Womanhood is. That's woman's work. One of the things the Patriarchy wants to hide, obscure and get women to ignore, is that women are also Predators, also Warriors. That means it's a human thing, not a man thing.

And that's my goal, to be more human, not less. To be closer to a Natural state than the Patriarchy enforces. That means making myself the best Warrior I can be. Has shit to do with my gender and everything to do with birthright. I was born into the most vicious species on Earth. Therefore I should be a walking manifestation of that. Both Beautiful and Horrible.

FS