The Creeping Onset of Loneliness

Just fuck off and leave me alone. Like that it's done, a relationship that I mistakenly got emotionally invested in lost. I'm not going to call, write, show up, cause a scene, make a bunch of drunk texts to try to reengage you, I am done as well. I am not built to beg to be in someone's life, either you get me or you don't, either you are on the level or you're not.

Here's the problem I currently have, I have been alone for a long time, even in relationships. A little individual ship doing its own thing for a long ass time. I don't get emotionally involved, not on more than a surface level, letting people in causes pain, it lets them hurt you, it lets them prove themselves to be distrustful pieces of shit. It's waaayyyy easier to be alone (even in a group) than to be open hearted for two seconds.

Then a motherfucker gets to me, they seem to be one of mine,they actually manage to get me to open up the vault for them. I let them in, I start feeling warm gushy feelings of being safe, being accepted, hell let's get honest here, being loved for the first time in a long time. It feels good, I feel like maybe I was wrong about other people and my long reigning attitude of me being the only person I can depend on or trust is false.

Then I get fucking betrayed, again. This time I feel something though and it's not my typical murderous, misanthropic, thanks for proving me right rage. No, I get hurt and it's a big hurt. Not over this specific incident but at the fact that I am lonely. I can feel it, this big gaping fucking hole in my life that has been there forever and I was numb to it. After so long of feeling that loneliness, I got used to it, it became something that almost didn't exist, not on a surface level. No, my loneliness,which has been there since I was a child,is palatable.

I want to be held, I want someone else to put their arms around me, tell me it's going to be okay and I want to believe them, I want to know everything is safe now in that split second. I want to exhale, not be on my guard so much, I want that low level of fear I walk around with all the time to disappear. I want what a good parent can give a child, what a good man, a really good man gives to a woman, what a best friend is capable of, the ability to be safe and be safe because that other person is there and they are bigger and stronger than whatever wants to hurt you.

It's irrational and it's stupid but it's there, that I want to connect with someone on THAT level. I also realize I have wanted that for a long time and that I cover it up because it feels so goddamn needy. I seek out men that are capable of hurting me (and willing to) because they can hurt others if they are going to be that safe oasis I find. I seek parental figures because my parents were incapable of providing that feeling of safety. My friends tend to be younger because I am very good at providing this for someone else. None of that gives me what I want though.

When I think on the concept of religion, I realize it provides that for a good number of people. A place they can feel safe, warm, loved, etc. A loving God to replace what other individuals, individuals of your own kind should provide. A parental figure that never lets you down, a best friend who is never to be busy to be there, an instant good man that gives you exactly what you need. I realize it's part of the delusion that makes faith such a powerful goddamn thing, it lets the mind believe you finally found that oasis in the storm of fucked up people and fucked up situations. The truth is you didn't really find that though, you just found a band-aid as powerful as my numbness was. You just embraced a concept that made you feel less alone, I ain't doing that shit.

I realize I have three choices here. I can feel the void with something that doesn't really fill it, religion, lots of hot sex, drugs and alcohol or something else that cause the numbness to return. I can really look at it, realize where it comes from and fix whatever it is that makes me feel this loneliness. Maybe I can be my own oasis from the sea of fucked up people and fucked up situations. Maybe I can realize some big fucking epiphany that makes me say "holy fuck that is what that is" like I have trust issues or something else.

The third choice is even harder, maybe that's the real reality shit I feel. Maybe the World is just a sea of fucked up people and fucked up situations waiting to take you down, waiting to fuck you over and I SHOULD be afraid, I should always be on my guard, I should trust no one, not even myself because I am fucking human as well. I should feel this big fucking hole in my life because NOTHING EXISTS THAT CAN FILL IT.

Life keeps teaching me that I alone. No God to save me, no religion to fill my cup, no person to make me whole, no parent to make me feel like the World and all its bullshit will go away, nothing, I have nothing over and over again. It makes me feel worthless, like I am less than human for being who and what I am. A part of me screams "I am WORTHY of love and trust and some other shit that I need" while the other part says, "Darling, no human being is worthy of that and you are human, so very human." I am that thing, human. I am full of flaws, imperfections, fuck ups, screwing other people over, and other manipulative shit that only the human species is capable of.

I feel the creeping onset of loneliness in my life, with no resolution. I AM alone and always will be, because no human being can provide what I need, including myself.

Rant A Little, Rant A Lot

In life and modern society there is a gross idea that a woman is responsible for a violent crime if she behaves or dresses in a certain manner. The worst part is that this idea is most commonly perpetuated by women about other women. I see posts like this all the time: Don't tell people you're a naughty girl and not expect retaliation. Don't walk around with your tits hanging out or in a short skirt and not expect to get raped??

What the fuck is wrong with you people? Is this the motherfucking dark ages? Are you a member of the Taliban?? This mentality is what keeps women in the Middle East wearing fucking beekeeper outfits as everyday wear. This is remnants of the mentality that got women burned at the stake for not fitting in and conforming to the standard of the day. This is the reason people were stoned.

It disgusts me for a lot of reasons. It paints men as some kind of monster that doesn't have the self control to realize that just because a woman is displaying her goods, doesn't mean they're for sale. It paints men as the type of creature that just bangs women over the head and has their way with them because they can't control their urges.

It puts an odd level of responsibility on a woman's shoulders. I'm supposed to what, figure out the line that won't make men lose control and only wear things in that clothing range. I'm supposed to, after being physically assaulted sit around and try to figure out if I did something to turn that guy on?

I'm drawing my line in the sand and calling bullshit on ALL OF THIS.

1. Rape is not about sexual desire in 'traditional'terms. Rape is a form of violence, it just happens to be a sexual assault as opposed to physical assault. It's not that a woman looked so good a guy was completely overwhelmed by sexual desire and his brain turned off. Rape is about dominance, d00d's wires are crossed and violence turns them on. In my self defense class I learned several techniques to prevent physical assault (rape is a physical assault). One was to not protect the image of a victim. Has nothing to do with what you wear, it has to do with body language, look straight ahead, shoulders back, project an aura of confidence, not victimization. The other one was if someone does grab you and starts raping you don't cry, don't struggle, don't beg. Just lay there. A good number of times they will lose arousal as a result of this.

2. I have been completely naked in front of lots of men for a living. Most treat you with an odd kind of reverence when you are half dressed or undressed. Men don't lose all of their faculties at the sight of a woman nude. They can still THINK. Hell, they can discuss the stock market with you or their job with no problem.

3. American women are weird. They think that projecting an overly sexual image is an indication of being sexually mature. Y'all know what I'm talking about. The woman who tells you how much she likes to give head. The woman who tells you about all the threesomes she's had. The woman who calls herself shit like dirty girl. This kind of sexuality is indicative of being sexually immature and not really knowing what she wants. It's the equivalent of a little girl in her mommy's high heels wearing red lipstick. I personally feel Western sexuality is so in your face because most people are still uncomfortable with their sexuality.

4. I frequently use sexual manipulation to gain in life. I make no apologies for this, it's like breathing for me, sometimes I am not aware I am doing it. One thing I have learned in life is that Women aren't as physically strong as men, one of the things women have in their toolbox that works to gain in life is sexual manipulation. The mentality I am talking about in this blog, disempowers women.

5. I wear clothes that could be considered slutty because they make me feel good about myself. If I am wearing a short skirt and low cut shirt, I have more confidence than if I am laying around in sweat pants (which I have on at this moment). I hate wearing jeans, always have. So I wear clothing that qualifies as someone who 'deserves it' in the eyes of some women. Men aren't chasing me down the street to rape me on a continuous basis. Personal experience bitches.

6. Get a weapon and wear it in a visible manner. For fucks sake people, the best form of protection from physical assault is being able and ready to defend yourself. Remember the confidence I talked about earlier?? Yeah, exactly.

7. Common fucking sense. Don't walk down the street in a bad neighborhood at night dressed to provoke a man's sexual desires. If you got to go in an area like that at night, dress like an undercover cop. Ponytail, mirrored sunglasses, jeans, blazer, visible side arm.

Now I know some people are going to claim personal responsibility on this one and I agree. I have not put all responsibility on men in this blog, the opposite is actually the case. A woman is responsible for being capable of protecting herself. This rarely has to do with what you wear. This has to do with your ability to knock someone the fuck out. Project the aura of Warrior not victim.

/End rant

Feminism And Satanism

Feminism is defined by Mirriam Webster as the theory of political, economic and social equality of the sexes. There's nothing more to it than that definition. There is a common theme that I see LHPers hit when it comes to Feminism, they bring up the Femi-Nazi and then declare themselves a Non-Feminist. The question a Satanist woman should ask themselves is do women deserve political, economic and social equality? If the answer is yes, congratulations you are a Feminist.

Nowhere in that definition does it say women are superior to men, the same as men (equality is not sameness), or any of the common misconceptions I see when it comes to Feminism. So where does the flannel wearing, man hating feminist come from?

The answer to that is a complex one. Modern Society is based on Maleness, it's a Patriarchy. Due to this being a Patriarchal society, femaleness and what is considered woman has become defined by men, not women. Like anything else, men don't truly understand what it is to be woman, anymore than I understand what it is to be a man. As a result of what is woman being defined by men, the average woman has decided in order to be equal to a man, they have to be exactly like a man.

This is where I call bullshit on the majority of Feminist thought. I have no desire to be a man. I like being a woman, I like the mystery, the intrigue that surrounds women in general. I like things that are considered girly. I am more empathetic than most of my male counterparts. I am more emotional than most of my male counterparts. I have no desire to change those things about me.

So I sit in a sea of dos and don'ts, be this way, don't be this way, day in and day out. When you add Satanism a male dominated school of thought, one could say why bother? Why even use that label? Say fuck it and go call yourself a Lilithist. Say fuck it to all of these men constantly acting in a predatory nature upon you and other women. The average Satanist doesn't seem to respect women anymore than the average citizen of society does.

Why bother? Simple. Satanism is a Warrior's Ethos. Female Warriors have been around since the dawn of time. Mythology gives us a number of examples. History points to entire cultures where Female Warriors were hailed, venerated and common. It simply isn't now. The Female Warrior had died out as an archetype. That's the essence of the problem that a Female Satanist faces when building her own paradigm. A lack of models, a lack of Modern Archetypes that show what the Hell she is.

As my understanding of Satanism has grown I have discovered that the enemy (all Warriors have a good villain to fight.) is the Patriarchal values that permeate our culture, the same ones that permeate my own mind. It's not Jehova, it's not Theism, it's not Christianity, it's the very fabric of our culture that needs to be fought against.

How do you fight that? The first one for me was to take by womanhood from everyone else told me it was and define it for myself. To take back the power of those Archetypes and create one that was worthy in my own mind. Can a woman be both fierce and emotional? Why not? Can a woman be both a good mother and someone who actively fights day in and day out? Absolutely? Can a woman be sexually free and heterosexual and monogamous? Why not?

This is where Feminism fits into my paradigm. I see it as a perfectly acceptable way to fight these ideas that have oppressed both sexes. It's a great way to fight for the things that matter to me, which is equality for both sexes, a reinterpretation of what woman is bursting forth and changing the way woman is viewed forever.



My name is FemaleSatan and I am a Feminist.