Watchman Watching

So I finally watched Watchmen (I know, I know catch up FS). Now while I found the movie thoroughly enjoyable, I found the ending well thought provoking, especially in relation to the average persons need for authority.

If you've seen it you get what I am saying. Asshole motherfucker who wants to be the next Alexander The Great pins his blowing up of a shitload of major cities on John, a guy who is basically a God. John's gonna kill his sorry little ass, but then he turns on the news. Russia and the US and every other country now looovvvveeeee each other because they are united against this new common enemy, a guy who can destroy everything.

Now on a larger level what is the message of this movie? That the average person needs a wrathful, vengeance seeking God looking down to stop them from doing stupid shit? That all of humanity will destroy each other and themselves without an authority figure to stop them.

In a secular society what that authority is now is easy to see. The big brotherish government that has developed. With its satellites, databases, etc tracking our every move, keeping an eye on us, throwing people that are somehow unfit for this society into prisons or crushing them under the wheels of poverty, degradation, and forced slavery. Without money one cannot survive in the average Western society so all of us have to do a little slave time. Or suffer a fate that can be worse than death.

I see that a good deal of humanity needs this authority, that it has always existed, will always exist and acts as a way to balance the bloodthirsty, selfish, savage beast that humanity really is.On a mental level its concepts infect our minds on such a level that leaving its influence is truly an impossible task. The machine, that wrathful vengeful authority figure is in our head, not just 'out there' trying to hold us all down.

Then there's Rorschach. A character that is well awesome. In the face of this event occurring he refuses to just keep his mouth shut and roll over and allow the little wannabe Alexander win. He refuses to just stand by while John takes the blame for something he didn't do in some sick attempt to pervert human nature. He says, 'Never compromise even in the face of Armageddon.' He walks away to let others know what happened.

Of course John just waves his hand and turns him into a bloodsmear. However, I find the death in that movie to be a real hero's way out. To refuse to allow this shit to go down. He knows he's going to die (him screaming DO IT is haunting to say the least), he just doesn't care, he finds it something worthy to die for. To decide to allow humanity to be what they really are, even if they destroy each other.

I find a little lesson there. The 'enemy' is literally unstoppable, to big to ever really go down, but... it's necessary to question, oppose, say fuck you to these authority figures. Not because of anything more than it needing to be down.

Was Rorschach an idealist? Yeah, I think so. However, considering he's the only motherfucker willing to stand up for those ideals he has makes him the one I want to emulate, the one I want to be just a wee bit like. Could I stand up to some big blue, God d00d that can wipe me out with a flick of his finger? Could I stand and stay by my convictions in the face of sudden death?

That's what I am left with from watching this movie.

Ramble on FS....

Satanism. One word, infinite interpretations.

Some view it as meaning I can do whatever I want to, a kind of Super Special Individualism. Me? Not so much.

I view it more as a way to say, 'Hey, I seek out adversity, I seek out conflict, I actively engage in things that I want to avoid, that I personally find ugly, gross, awful and distasteful, just for any knowledge I can gain from that. A path to nowhere. One with no end goal but personal insight.

So is it fun? Or glamorous? Hell no. It's all about rolling in the dirt of life. It's all about standing up after you get knocked by life so hard you can't think straight.

I was a badass in my head until someone got the better of me. Until I actually had some motherfucking man get me down on the ground, squeezing my arm as hard as he could while leaning into my face saying, 'don't move or I will break your arm.' Starting to choke me and saying, 'I will kill you.'

I am victorious because I am typing this. I survived, I still breathe air. However, I did die a little that day. I suffered a 'little death.' A perception of myself as something I am not was killed. A perception of the World being a certain way was annihilated.

That's the point behind the Praxis, to suffer little deaths. To learn more about yourself. To learn more about the World and its savage, brutal nature. To find strength in yourself, to cut out weakness. To not be,complacent or comfortable.

I do know what the philosophers say about this and that. I know what the Satanic heavy hitters write. Do their words matter? No. What matters are my own conclusions about things. What matters are what I find to be true based on what I experience in my own life.

While the path is never ending and full of endless strife, it reflects a truth about the World most hide from. I have always found the most significant association Satan has is Lord of the Earth.

This is why:

Is Heaven and God not another way to say that which is borne of the mind? That which Faith, hope and trust is put in? The manufacturings of one's mind? That which is not of Reality?

Meanwhile the Earth is there to view, to experience, to understand. It's Reality. Dark, savage, brutal, impossible to fully experience, but still there. Timeless and in spite of its savagery beautiful.

Welcome to Reality

Welcome to Reality. At least that's my own Personal end goal. To see things a little less through my own perspective and get a grasp on what the World, Humanity, etc is REALLY like.

Why? I am a pessimistic/optimist. I see myself in a very, very negative light and others, the events that surround me, etc through a positive, all people are innately kind and good scope. I know, I know but bear with me.

Now, I know all about WtP, etc but I just don't see others in a 'this person wants to exert their own power over me, this person wants me to bow to their desires' way. *sigh* After my latest foray into doing something outside the norm and something radical, I can see it now.

I have dealt with people man handling me to try to intimidate me. I have dealt with people throwing money (money is power after all) in my face as an attempt to gain sexual favors from me. I have had people steal from me. I have had people lie to me, just continuously.

I tend to take others at face value. It's a basic thing, everybody lies constantly. Some don't even realize they are doing it. They have lied to themselves at such a level they really believe what they are telling me. Due to that knowledge, I tend to just let things go.

I don't walk around thinking, 'Oh this motherfucker is gonna hurt me,' or 'Oh this motherfucker just wants something from me.'

Now I see that it's the way I lie to myself. I assume that others are being 'real' somehow. I assume others are not out to get theirs, even if they have to kick MY teeth in to do it. I assume others are going to follow through with what they say.

And it's a lie. People suck. I think it may be a Societal thing. Everything can seem so safe inside that little bubble. Everyone can seem so benign through that particular looking glass. So, I bought it. I may be at imminent risk of having some motherfucker blow my head off at any moment, or rape me, or torture me, or steal from me, but I can ignore it as long as I am inside that safe little bubble.

I can even say, well I have Self Defense training so I am safe. I am armed so I am safe. Not true, you get the right kinda motherfucker coming after you, they don't give a good goddamn how tough my teeny white girl ass thinks she is. They just want to take, they just want to exert that dominance over me somehow.

Now, I want to know these things, but the cost feels to heavy at times. If I really, really ask myself was I happier, did I feel safer before I started sticking my head in the lion's mouth for pleasure, the answer is an enthusiastic Yes.

Now, I am kinda scared, I feel like I live in a World full of this weird kinda innate cruelty, and that it wants to come after me, it DOES come after me just as hard as everyone else. That I am no more protected from that than the clueless, laughing little blonde Barbies I see.

Where Am I?

EA rock concert? A country concert?

Hell no. This is a line in Nashville for Homeless people to get a hot meal. It's called Bridge Bunch and the location is one of the former 'hiding places ' for the Homeless to sleep.

Revitalization my ass. The economy is doing better? Yeah fucking right. Homelessness is at an all time high in Smashville, home of pretension and broken dreams, home of the Hopeless.

I Hope You Dance

Sometimes you have a moment so fucking profound it's almost impossible to put into words.

So here's the scene... I am at a Music In The Park thing. Local bands playing live music. I get there and the first thing, in fact the most noticeable thing is this black guy. He's the only person dancing. He looks well ... wild in comparison to your average sheeple. Long hair, combat boots, etc.

Now I am a people watcher. And I notice the reaction of people as they walk past him. They either stare or pretend he doesn't exist. Looks of disgust are thrown his way. Every once in awhile he gets a hug, like he's the token freak.

As I watch I notice something else. He's into it, he's happy. Is the average person there? No. They are distracted. Clutching their cellphones, yelling at their kids, just completely disengaged, completely miserable, completely blah in comparison.

I say to my husband, "Look. He's the only Individual here. He's the only one in the moment. "  So he starts watching. Idiots that dye their hair green to be nonconformists, ignoring or being disgusted at the only person doing their own thing, LOL.

So, a new band comes up. I get up when they start. I am going to dance to. There's a fucking area for dancing for fucks sake. So I danced. I just let go, I just let the music move me as well. I 'get over' my instinct to just sit like everyone else.

Here's what's funny. Within five minutes two little girls join me. Then more. I open my eyes and one point and see five little kids standing in a line staring at me. I smile and keep dancing. They dance, I dance, awesome ass black dude dances. Parents start encouraging their kids to dance as well.

A little boy starts whooping for the band. I develop a fan in a red headed man. He smiles at me, claps for me, whistles a few times.

It is a 30 minute moment  that can only be described as Numinous, almost holy in nature. I can't describe the emotional response I had. I was fighting back tears at the beauty of this moment me, this man and these children are having.

I get done and am emotionally rocked. Questions fill my mind. Why children and not adults? Why did I get a different reception than he did? Why did people quit viewing him as a freak when I got up? Why did adults sway on their blankets, rather than dance?

It was a reflection of a fundamental fact... One person does something ANYTHING out of the norm, they're crazy. Two or more, a movement of sorts.

Now I deal in Darkness. In Hell on Earth at times. In things that shake the psyche to the core. But this, this dancing was the same way. A 'positive' psychological shakeup. A stepping outside of the normal in favor of doing what I want.

I said to the guy afterwards, "You made my day." He told me I made his as well. Asked me if I was coming back. I said yes.

And I will DANCE.

Little Girls

When I watch my daughters play with other little girls, I begin to think about the Female Archetypes that exist. See, girls play less aggressively than little boys do. They imitate being mommies, they pretend to be Models, they play with Barbies and dolls.

It makes me wonder how little girls played when some of my favorite Archetypes were part of their Society's structure. Goddesses like Inanna, Ishtar, Artemis, Athena, etc. Were girls as aggressive as boys when a Female Warrior Archetype was accepted. Did they pretend to shoot bows and arrows, like my sons do with guns? Did they wrestle with each other? Punch each other in the arm? Did those girls say when I grow up I wanna be a Warrior? Or when I grow up I wanna be a prostitute?

Some of the associations that Femaleness has in this current Western, Secular Society I live in make sense. Motherhood is obvious. Weakness physically, especially in comparison to men makes sense as well. The constant sexual object association I get as well.

Take the Virgin Mary. I think about her as an Archetype quite a bit. I sometimes think she broke Femalehood, lol. Her SON according to this weird Mythology that is the basis of the Society I live in, died for no damn good reason. Just to please a Sky Daddy, that is an ass. He impregnates this poor woman, in order to have her son DIE for him. She is powerless throughout the entire story, a broken, weak, joke of a woman. She's not sexual, cause she was a Virgin. She's not powerful, she can't even stop the Death of her son. She just lays there throughout the New Testament, a colorless, lifeless vessel for this thing that is beyond her control.

Let me tell you something, I can put myself in her shoes and I don't fucking get it. How do you just stand by while your son is murdered and chalk it up to God's Will? Did she cry? Did she tear her hair out? Did she beat at the Guard's with her fists to stop them? Was she arrested for attempting to stop this thing from happening? Not according to most versions of that story. I would be fighting as much as I could for my boy. I just think about it, if she actually existed, she is the embodiment of Powerlessness, the Great Sorrow of being helpless when it comes to your child, your sexuality, etc.

Everyone knows its all about programming docile citizens for this Society, Hell for all Societies. The Virgin Mary is brilliant for taking away the power attached to Femaleness. She takes away the inherent right a woman has to control her own destiny and the destiny of her Child.

I only become MORE aggressive the more Physically Adept I become. It's like an end result of wanting to be a Modern Female Warrior and fighting like Hell to become one. But, the times in my life I have literally felt Homicidal Rage, were over my kids. Pre or Post, physical fitness. Didn't matter if I was 200 lobs or not. I will kill a Motherfucker for my kids.

When they were born this surge of Protectiveness mixed with Rage has overcame me. When that child was put in my arms, I thought the following, I will kill for you, I will steal for you, NO price is to great to see you thrive.

where's THAT in the Modern Mother Archetype? Cause I have never met a Mother, who wasn't the same way (expect for maybe mine, lol).

I want to be a Female Warrior and I am slowly becoming one. One step at a time. It's my journey, the one I am on now. And my main beef with Society lies in the fact that Female Archetypes are incomplete, spoiled by a Man's view of what Woman is or should be. It's time for women to start to define this for ourselves and say fuck it to Archetypes that lack our input, that are funhouse mirrors of Femininity. For MY daughters to have better than I did. For them to not experience the confusion I did for a long time at what Woman is and isn't.

It's why I do what I do. Isn't the Mother of a child the most fundamental Archetype they encounter? Their first Goddess before Religion begins to take over their little minds?

So I try to find ANY portrayals of Women as Warriors that I can. Here's one I found the other day that kinda stunned me. Katy Perry's video for her song Part Of Me. How fucking awesome is the message here? Well for me it sits at 10,00%. Bitch gets cheated on and dumped, Bitch cuts off all her hair, tapes down her boobs and becomes a ..... Marine!! A Modern Female Warrior! Not perfect but better than Mary needlessly mourning her son after succumbing to a Man's will.

Trigger Words Take Two...

Bitch, pussy, Nancy, Sally, quit whining like a girl, are you on your period, etc. Words that are thrown at men to insult them for being to feminine, to girly, to soft. Now when I read these kinda things, or am being dismissed simply because I am a woman, I have to laugh. Language tell the tell of what memes permeate this current Western Society better than almost anything else. This whole idea that a term that is somehow inherently female is weak, is less than male is obvious and if you are a woman, can leave a bitter taste in your mouth. A realization that all of Society views you as the Weaker, Lesser Sex. A realization that you have been programmed by THEM to think you are weaker than all males. Ironically enough, I can kinda handle being shit talked when it is as an equal. When I am not being dismissed for my inherent Femaleness. What gets to me is the OH, you're just a woman dismissal. It riles me up, it pisses me off, and I decide that I will shove my fucking fist down your throat to make you REALIZE I am better than your sorry fucking ass. What's that shit? ^^^^^ Is it a little Alphaness emerging? Is it rage at the fact no matter what I do, no matter what I accomplish, I will always be viewed as inherently less because fucking Society says so? I know that I could produce the next TS Motherfucking B and most men won't give it a second look. I know that I could write the most profound post on a forum and some Motherfucker with a Gawdamn dick is gonna come in, say the same fucking thing, and get fucking hailed as the Next Black Hope. I can save my kid from running in the road, teach them how to defend themselves, stand up for themselves, and someone will say I am doing a good job turning them into men (this actually happened recently). Male means strength, domination, conquest. Woman represents weakness, submission, and victimization. That simple and that much utter fucking horseshit. And I don't want to be a victim, I don't wanna submit, I am not weak. So what the actual fuck am I to do? It's this fucking base, common perception that Society has that pisses me the Hell off. That is a set of Trigger Words if you will, something that should do nothing, but has a real effect on me personally. Because I refuse to have those things be a part of me, they never really have been Weakness, submission, and victimization is for them, not me. So I need to get past this little bullshit as well. Realize that people who dismiss me just for being a Woman, just for being Female are not worthy of Fighting. That maybe I can use this I am 'weak' perception to my advantage, rather than screaming NO! NO! FUCK YOU, etc.