In For A Penny, In For A Pound

I don't want to do this, I really don't. I simply want to move forward with my life and continue down my Path, SIN free. However, I looked at the homepage and you motherfuckers are killing me.

Okay, there is some air to clear. Zach is lying through his motherfucking teeth. I did NOT cuss him out via pm and I have the screnshots to prove it.

Now this is the first conversation in pm that we had. Note the date. This conversation is occurring on Spetember 6, 2013. See me and Zach had a huge dust up right before his dust up with JK. Now why does this matter? Because I simply stated my opinion, he blew up and called me names. I apologized to him to let the dust settle and let SIN move forward. I knew if it continued I would have my head chopped off. I didn't want that.

Here is the second set:

Again, note the date. This second set of pms occurs immediately after my first suspension. Was I warned before my first suspension? No, I was simply suspended. Did I cuss him out? Fuck no, that's to easy. I told him not to big dog and make threats. Now I did blow up on the forums immediately after the last pm was sent and said FUCK YOU ZACH. I was then re-suspended. Now this asshole keeps claiming that everyone doesn't know the conversations that occurred. Now you do. If he had pms that made me look bad, he would fucking share them. He did in the JK incident.

What Zach has consistently failed to realize is that my issues with him were before JK's issues. I did swallow my pride and bend over like a bitch the first time, I didn't the second time. I honestly think he is suffering from a combination of delusions and paranoia at this point. I say that because he doesn't even remember suspending Dan, he tells everyone I cussed him out in pm and truckload over other shit that is flat out false. It's like his memory is going at this point.

Another example of this outright lying is when he tells people I was axed from his Admin team. I was never an Admin. I was a Moderator and the Moderator position was removed at SIN. Two Moderators were moved to Admin (Cassie and Sammie). The rest of us were simply cut due to 'to many complaints.' Were most of those complaints about me? Yep, but again I was never warned to calm down or back off (I was told once not to be a Morgan but that was literally months before he axed Mods).

Now, on to the part that may surprise people. I don't want to be reinstated. I see how this would go and let me give you an example:

(I am un-suspended) Fuck you Zach, little whiny dog my ass. That's why you axed me instead of addressing a single point I made. man fuck you.

(re-suspended)

(I am un-suspended) Seriously, Zach you are not David Lee Roth and people that post here are the band members behind you. You are the owner of the fucking club that the band plays in. Nothing more. You are insignificant in the grand scheme of things, all you provide is the venue.

(re-suspended)

You get the idea? This would go on in perpetuity until I either 1. deleted my account or 2. Zach kept me suspended. So, it's over and done. The relationship I had with Zach is over and I am fine with that. I don't agree with the general direction that SIN is now headed and I would be vocal as Hell about it. It's bullshit.

I remember when Zach used to say that his Admin could suspend him if he got out of line. This was even tested at one point. He could still post, his physical page just said 'this User is suspended' when you clicked on it. I remember when he made Beast the manager because he said he was to hot headed to handle the decision making shit at SIN. I remember him taking a consensus in the forums consistently and LISTENING to it. If people felt he was out of line he would back up, examine the situation and change his behavior. I remember when Zach would post things thanking people for contributing and told everyone that their contribution mattered.

It's not that way now. He has declared himself The Supreme Dictator of SIN and that shit needs to be called the fuck out. I would have expected the call outs that have occurred to be a wake up call to the guy. It certainly used to be a wake up call when people did that. He's changed, he's now saying things like he built SIN single handedly. Again, horseshit his Users built that site. He doesn't contribute in any meaningful way in the forums, he never has.

I was at home on the site where the site owner was willing to admit wrongdoing, I was at home at the site where the site owner wanted his Admin team to have the ability to axe him. I am not at home at this current site. I feel like I am logging into a place that was a shell of its former glory. A place where mediocrity is valued over stratification.

I knew that I was talking shit to a motherfucking asshole drunk on alcohol, power, fame and the influence of undesirables who are using him to gain fame for their bullshit organization. I also knew he possessed a ban hammer. It's the reason for the apology the first time around. So I own my role in it. I deserve the ban and I don't want to be reinstated. I need people there to quit acting like I am a martyr. I am not. I am someone who shit talked someone with a ban hammer and payed a price for it. It's simple, let it fall off of the front page and die already.

I wouldn't come back to what I largely see as a cesspool of mediocrity with a Supreme Dictator running all. There are some quality posters there but they post elsewhere so I can catch their work. I would also like to add one more thing, I thoroughly enjoyed my time at SIN while I was there. Some of my associations shaped me, changed my Worldview, made me think, made me mad, made me laugh, made me cry. I have made some true friends there as well. I have also been really surprised at the people who stood up and said it was bullshit that I was axed. It makes me proud to of associated with y'all.

However, it is time for me to move forward. To do something different. To test out some new shark infested waters and see how the experience goes. The front page of that site say 'Adapt or be crushed under the wheels of Satanic (in my opinion take that word out) progress. The wheel turned, I didn't adapt and I got crushed. So what, in the grand scheme of things I am still here, I am still writing and SIN goes on.

I Just Want To Meet Like Minded Individuals

Fuck me I am tired of hearing this phrase.

Why do you want to meet like minded individuals? Do you really think every goddamn idea in your head is that fucking good? Do you really want to meet a bunch of people who bob their head in agreement every time you have a fucking brain fart and spew it out on the internet?

See, I don't really seek like minded individuals. I seek people that are frustratingly different than me in mindset. I seek people that challenge what I think, that make me question all of those grand fucking ideas I have in my head.

I am wrong and I am wrong a lot. I don't have everything figured out. I don't pretend to have everything figured out. I haven't had every experience, I haven't drank from every cup of knowledge in existence and that leads me to seek out other who may know something that I don't.

Conflict breeds growth. People challenging you breeds growth, especially if you approach it with the right mindset. Some are going to be idiotic fucking tools, but not all of them are. You may even learn something about yourself from the ones that are idiotic fucking tools.

The thing I do seek in a 'like minded individuals' manner, is people that view conflict the way I do.

Now that you've joined this forum and made your trite, bland and heavily recycled intro post saying that you want to meet like minded individuals, what are you going to do when you come across someone who isn't like minded? What are you going to do when someone says one of your oh so brilliant ideas is shit?

It's Not Me, It's You....

Normally I don't do this, but FUCK IT. This asshole deserves this shit.

Dear Meq,

You're a cowardly, little man who thinks that suspending someone, closing threads and running and hiding like a little bitch is going to solve the problem or make you look bigger or badder ass than me.

You say that taking unnecessary legal action is not a sign of strength, but here's the thing I got the idea from you and I don't want my content up at your site. Then you close the entire section where I asked for my content back and accuse me of belligerence. Here's the thing, I wasn't belligerent. I was playing nice with your sorry ass. :)

Let's back up a bit...

This started when you instituted a no 'hate speech' rule on your failure of a network. These things included Social Darwinism, Right Libertarianism, White Supremacy and host of other ideas you didn't want discussed on your site. This led to me saying it was censorship and quite frankly, that I do like discussing some of these ideas and that I was feeling attacked by you for my political stances. You started instituting rule after rule on your pathetic fail of a website. You got called out about it by me repeatedly. Why? You deserved it you creepy little fuck. One of them was a threat to demote local moderators who simply take one person's side on an issue. I said to demote me if you want to.

Then you demoted OrgasmicKarmatic. Why? She dared to disagree with you. After a long back and forth with you, she was reinstated. I also talked you into reinstating Troll as a Moderator.

Then you post that video as a response to Zach Black on your site. I called you out on that bullshit as well. Because it was bullshit. YOU think that you should EVER be allowed back at SIN after the way that you behaved there? You think Zach should listen to you, because you also run a forum? ROFL, you have a site with 30 Users, 10 are active, a good number I talked into joining (or gave you the idea to ask to join). How can you tell Zach Black a man who has one of the most active networks on the internet how to run his forum? He has 4,000 Users. Hundreds are active. About a thousand just read. He's smoked your ass, but he should listen to you?? Why? To learn how not to run a forum? To learn how not to maintain friendships with others? To learn how not to garner respect from anyone??

I told you that posting something like that was disre-fucking-spectful to me and other people who are at your site and also use SIN. I don't give a shit about you dissing SIN or Users there, it's a joke when you do so. You can't manage to keep an account open there so what does your opinion matter? I do take issue with your constant disrespect of me. I do take issue with you making mandates at your site like you're some kind of fucking dictator.

So I get the pm that states that you have to 'question my friendship' blah, blah, blah because I keep defending people who shit talk you. You deserve the shit talking. I respond with the fact that I question your friendship for the constant and blatant disrespect of me.

So what do you do? You unfriend me on FB (because apparently you're 12. Oh and not the first time you've done it either, LOLZ) and suspend my account while keeping ALL of my content up. By the way this was with NO three strikes as you state in your Site Guidelines. I have NEVER been warned by you for my behavior.

So I make a thread in your guesthouse where I tell I WILL file a DMCA if you don't take my content down. You respond by pulling my content (thanks for that) and then taking down the guesthouse section of your website. Then today you put it back up to respond but I, of course, can't comment back.

So I will respond here to all of your comments. I will not quote you directly because in spite of you 'stance' on DMCA's you file them yourself.

".... legal threats...."

I don't want my content up at your fail of a site. The section I was moderating matters to me and I don't want a bunch of pansy ass limp wristed little wannabes commenting on it.

"I.... of your constant belligerence. .... not SIN." Meq

No it's not. Your website sucks and you KNOW it.

".......disagreement blah, blah, blah, .... disrespect and attitude. "

I treated you how you treated me. You are a disrespectful little fuck, fine I will return the same in kind.

"blah, blah, bitchcraft, whine piss, and moan"

Ooohh, Bitchcraft I think I'll use that.

"Blah, blah, whine, whine, sniffle, sniffle, outcome"

I am VERY satisfied with the outcome. You are a creepy, pathetic little fuck and your website was one of the worst on the interwebz. It was dragging my rep as being a hardcore bitch down. You are the company you keep after all and hanging with you left a really, really sour taste in my mouth.

I will have to chew on the entrails of at least four Epicureans, two Theistic Satanists and five idiots to get the taste out of my mouth.

"Blah, blah, blah, whine, sniffle, video, waaaahhhh"

You only took it down (I mean moved it to the backroom) because it made you look bad and you were losing the debate surrounding it. For a site you claimed would be free of interwebz drama you sure caused a lot of it yourself.

"blah, Blah, Blah, whine, sniffle, moan, bitch, what happened?"

YOU happened. The fact that you take everymotherfucking thing personally happened. The fact that you can't separate a critique of YOU or a critique of your actions happened. The fact that you are thin skinned fucking toddler happened. The fact that you are socially inept happened.

'blah, blah, blah, whine, sniffle, piss, moan, highschool"

Projection much? You're the one who acts like a twelve year old, not others.

Here's the thing Meq, you have issues with every motherfucker you come into contact with. You can't maintain a friendship to save your life. You live through the internet and take every fucking critique of you personally. Maybe you should take a step back and realize something, it's not me, it's not Sammie, it's not Zach, it's not the 600 Club, it's not SIN, it's you. The pile of fail that YOU are is what's making your life miserable. YOU are the reason you can't maintain a relationship with someone else.

This didn't happen because of me, it's you.

To all of my readers who don't give a shit about this, my apologies. I am a dramatic fucking bitch, but you already knew that.

Superiority Complex

How do you judge your superiority? Is it based on other people or being better than you were previously?

I see the former a shitload on the internet. People who say well I am better, I am superior, I am the highest embodiment of life, because I am better than you. I find this to be an ultimately self defeating mindset to operate under.

Why? Some other motherfucker out there is stronger, bigger, faster and smarter than you. Fact. You are not the biggest, baddest and strongest their is in the entire World. None of us are.

I tend to see the concept of Might is Right or Will To Power in a more compartmentalized fashion. What I mean is that for each area of life, what is stronger triumphs over what is weaker. So the better looking woman wins the looks contest, while the stronger man wins the strength contest. You get the idea and none of us are going to post all tens across the board.

So you can see yourself as Superior because you are better than a bunch of other idiots out there. You can, once again, derive your sense of self from others, even if it's from a Superiority stance.

Or you can turn that inward, invert this idea and use it to shape yourself, to evolve yourself somehow. Are you Superior to the old you, the you that existed a week ago, a month ago or a year ago? Are the results of what you engage in tangible? Can you see the effects of the physical exertion? Do you think in a different way, have you learned something more about yourself from an experience you have had?

If not, you are the same old monkey you have always been. You aren't Superior, you're just another person deriving their sense of worth from others while mouthing off.

I KNOW I am Superior to the old me. Hell, I am Superior to the me that logged on to the interwebz two years ago. I find the old me (from two years ago) to be a high maintenance, whiny, ass kissing, pseudo intellectual little bitch.

I have said it before, when I am looking at others, I really only look for one thing, an evolution of thought to be occurring. This is tangible, even via the interwebz. You can read someone else's opinions change, you can see the results of an Adversarial Praxis in play, even if it is just via what they write.

That's what I tend to respect, those people where I see that evolution. Those are the people that have always made my respect list. If you make my shit kicking list, it is for one reason: I don't see it in you. You are at the same place, spouting the same shit you did the moment I met you.

Either do the work or GTFO. Make yourself Superior to the old you, period. Being Superior to the average jackass is easy. Doing the work to change yourself, to understand who you really are, breaking the chains you have on your psyche is way more fucking difficult.

FS

Welcome to Reality

Welcome to Reality. At least that's my own Personal end goal. To see things a little less through my own perspective and get a grasp on what the World, Humanity, etc is REALLY like.

Why? I am a pessimistic/optimist. I see myself in a very, very negative light and others, the events that surround me, etc through a positive, all people are innately kind and good scope. I know, I know but bear with me.

Now, I know all about WtP, etc but I just don't see others in a 'this person wants to exert their own power over me, this person wants me to bow to their desires' way. *sigh* After my latest foray into doing something outside the norm and something radical, I can see it now.

I have dealt with people man handling me to try to intimidate me. I have dealt with people throwing money (money is power after all) in my face as an attempt to gain sexual favors from me. I have had people steal from me. I have had people lie to me, just continuously.

I tend to take others at face value. It's a basic thing, everybody lies constantly. Some don't even realize they are doing it. They have lied to themselves at such a level they really believe what they are telling me. Due to that knowledge, I tend to just let things go.

I don't walk around thinking, 'Oh this motherfucker is gonna hurt me,' or 'Oh this motherfucker just wants something from me.'

Now I see that it's the way I lie to myself. I assume that others are being 'real' somehow. I assume others are not out to get theirs, even if they have to kick MY teeth in to do it. I assume others are going to follow through with what they say.

And it's a lie. People suck. I think it may be a Societal thing. Everything can seem so safe inside that little bubble. Everyone can seem so benign through that particular looking glass. So, I bought it. I may be at imminent risk of having some motherfucker blow my head off at any moment, or rape me, or torture me, or steal from me, but I can ignore it as long as I am inside that safe little bubble.

I can even say, well I have Self Defense training so I am safe. I am armed so I am safe. Not true, you get the right kinda motherfucker coming after you, they don't give a good goddamn how tough my teeny white girl ass thinks she is. They just want to take, they just want to exert that dominance over me somehow.

Now, I want to know these things, but the cost feels to heavy at times. If I really, really ask myself was I happier, did I feel safer before I started sticking my head in the lion's mouth for pleasure, the answer is an enthusiastic Yes.

Now, I am kinda scared, I feel like I live in a World full of this weird kinda innate cruelty, and that it wants to come after me, it DOES come after me just as hard as everyone else. That I am no more protected from that than the clueless, laughing little blonde Barbies I see.

The Ugly Side of Life

Sometimes something so out of the ordinary happens that the fabric of what you perceive as Reality is ripped away. You get to witness the visceral, bloody and very real threats that exist around you. You realize you could be snuffed out like a candle flame, in an instant. You get struck dumn by just how mortal, how vulnerable you are.
These I things pull the shiny veneer of safety and comfort off of your mind and that Reality lens you look through. That’s the biggest lie that gets told to the self. That you’re invulnerable, that you’re safe, that you’re protected from the ugly things, from Death and blood.
When the simple truth is that the ugly side of things is always there. Bleeding through the surface of your safe little World. Some people are soft, and lack any time they have turned and seen the Ugly side of things. Others have and shove them down, pretend those things never happened. Others face them, run towards experiences that make them experience the Ugly Side of Life over and over again.
I don’t know which category I fall into. I spend a lot of time denying the awful I have faced, wanting to have ‘normal’ even if it’s in small increments. I lack a level of Experience with the Awful that some people have, making me ‘soft.’ I also tend to have the Ugly Side of Life breathing down my neck like I am its Daughter or a part of it.
Does that mean I seek it out? Nah, things just HAPPEN that way, like a wake the fuck up and realize that the World you live in is as plastic and fake as you know it is, Demon is following me around, pissing on my delusions for shits and giggles. I can wax philosophical about Experienced over Headspace shit all over the place, but at the moment I would like to be dealing with the theoretical, the Unknown.
Why? Because not a single fucking thing I thought I would think, feel, etc after a real nice in your face tragedy was right. Because witnessing someone die, violently and for no damn good reason makes me want to curl up into a ball and sob.
FS

Presentation Matters

In life the second you come into eyesight of another Individual, you are being judged. When you begin to speak to them, interact, etc others form an opinion.

Now this opinion is based on external features. You can be the World's best babysitter but if to have a cigarette hanging out of your mouth and every other word is a cuss word, you ain't getting the job.

A lot of people sit around and bemoan this fact. They say to never judge a book by its cover, take the time to get to know the person first. This is falsity on the most basic level. It dismisses the initial judgement. It dismisses the fact that these things matter, that what you present counts.

Now as a Satanist, how does one use this to their advantage? How do you use this whip, snap judgement call humans make to serve you, to make your life better?

In my opinion, LaVey captures this most accurately in The Satanic Witch. The art of manipulation takes many forms, including presenting yourself in a fashion that suits each situation.
If you deny this and cling to the idea that you deserve people to wait to figure out what you're really about, you will fail in life. You are being judged constantly, I am being judged constantly.

Does another's judgment of you matter? Yeah it does. If you want or need  something from them rather it's respect, love, affection, a job, whatever.  Then you will need to blend in and on some level conform to the standard they have set. Or else you aren't going to achieve that thing you desire. Pretty simple shit, eh?

When the major of my validation came from external factors, I never wanted to really conform to anybody else's standards about anything from clothing to the way I speak. It was really important to me to have a host of External things to define me. Without my torn jeans who was I? Without The Ramones being my favorite band, how would somebody get to know who I really was?

Now, I understand how these things are just that. The surface, the presentation. Not me as a person. That is bigger, broader and more in depth than the way I dress, who I hang out with or what I listen to. The judgment of others on that presentation, doesn't really matter.

What matters is my own judgement on my actions. I am harsher than my worst critics. I expect perfection, not good enough. I expect strength, even when others would run screaming away from a situation. I expect myself to be better, more than the average person I encounter. I expect MORE from myself than any critic I have ever ran across.

Why would I bother to hold myself to another's standard? I have a hard enough time living up to my own. I am a cruel bitch of a Master.

Kollective Thinking

I am not an individual,

I am a member of the Kollective,

One who upholds personal responsibilty,

Antimonian and Transgressive acts above mundane pratter,

One who extends honor to her brethren,

The others presencing the Dark,

A manifestation of the Sinister Feminine,

One Dark presence among many, here for war on the Mundane,

Run for your lives, we are Legion, I am only one.

Being Taken Seriously....

"Remember, a smart witch may not be taken seriously at first, but later will be viwed with seriousness." Anton LaVey. This quote is my favorite by LaVey. It's a little piece of inspirsation that gets me through. See, I deal with this ALL the time. A sit down and shut up mentality a lot of people have. You're pretty, so you must be dumb. These memes can be manipulated to a woman's advantage.

Hell I do it all the time. I act a little dumber than I am. I will play to a man's baser instimcts. There is power in dismissal, power in being considered weaker on some level. Men like to have the power, why not let them? A woman has a different set of tools to use for social mnipulation. Most women hate the idea of using sexuality and stereotypes of women as a weapon.

If you have issues with that, ask yourself a question: Can you take the average man in a physical fight? Men are naturally, biologically made to be fighters. They are predisposed to being bigger, stronger and faster.

My detractors frequently call me a follower, a cheerleader, or rail about me having shown my tits in the past. I find thisrather amusing. Rather than hitting my ideas, they go for these societal based conception that pretty and sexual means stupid. Grow up dumbshits.

Time Changes You (a response to Mabuzi)

Over at MySatan, Mr. Dread asked Mabuzi a few basic questions about his views on Apotheosis. Now, I didn't have a clue what it meant or why some long dead languages wordwas being brought up. Anyway, he said babies were at that state. Whut?

A baby is almost free of memes, I will agree with that. The mother as she raises a child builds a memeplex for them, through interaction, through the use of language, through example. It's all abstractions, built over a child's essence.

Now as we get older, abstractions are added, taken away, burned in the fire that is life. Everyone evolves, becomes someone else as the years go on. I am not the same person I was two years ago, or even six months ago. That's normal, every person goes through this.

The thing that irks me about Mabuzi's statement is as you age, you know more, due to experience. You are closer to Apotheosis, the closer you get to death,under his understanding of the term. You can't stop learning. You can hide from the lessons, refuse to embrace the evolution of aging but it still occurs.

One who is on the LHP, is choosing how to evolve personally, by putting themselves through antimonian experiences. Cultivating a deliberate, controlled version of personal volution.