Ramble on FS....

Satanism. One word, infinite interpretations.

Some view it as meaning I can do whatever I want to, a kind of Super Special Individualism. Me? Not so much.

I view it more as a way to say, 'Hey, I seek out adversity, I seek out conflict, I actively engage in things that I want to avoid, that I personally find ugly, gross, awful and distasteful, just for any knowledge I can gain from that. A path to nowhere. One with no end goal but personal insight.

So is it fun? Or glamorous? Hell no. It's all about rolling in the dirt of life. It's all about standing up after you get knocked by life so hard you can't think straight.

I was a badass in my head until someone got the better of me. Until I actually had some motherfucking man get me down on the ground, squeezing my arm as hard as he could while leaning into my face saying, 'don't move or I will break your arm.' Starting to choke me and saying, 'I will kill you.'

I am victorious because I am typing this. I survived, I still breathe air. However, I did die a little that day. I suffered a 'little death.' A perception of myself as something I am not was killed. A perception of the World being a certain way was annihilated.

That's the point behind the Praxis, to suffer little deaths. To learn more about yourself. To learn more about the World and its savage, brutal nature. To find strength in yourself, to cut out weakness. To not be,complacent or comfortable.

I do know what the philosophers say about this and that. I know what the Satanic heavy hitters write. Do their words matter? No. What matters are my own conclusions about things. What matters are what I find to be true based on what I experience in my own life.

While the path is never ending and full of endless strife, it reflects a truth about the World most hide from. I have always found the most significant association Satan has is Lord of the Earth.

This is why:

Is Heaven and God not another way to say that which is borne of the mind? That which Faith, hope and trust is put in? The manufacturings of one's mind? That which is not of Reality?

Meanwhile the Earth is there to view, to experience, to understand. It's Reality. Dark, savage, brutal, impossible to fully experience, but still there. Timeless and in spite of its savagery beautiful.

Welcome to Reality

Welcome to Reality. At least that's my own Personal end goal. To see things a little less through my own perspective and get a grasp on what the World, Humanity, etc is REALLY like.

Why? I am a pessimistic/optimist. I see myself in a very, very negative light and others, the events that surround me, etc through a positive, all people are innately kind and good scope. I know, I know but bear with me.

Now, I know all about WtP, etc but I just don't see others in a 'this person wants to exert their own power over me, this person wants me to bow to their desires' way. *sigh* After my latest foray into doing something outside the norm and something radical, I can see it now.

I have dealt with people man handling me to try to intimidate me. I have dealt with people throwing money (money is power after all) in my face as an attempt to gain sexual favors from me. I have had people steal from me. I have had people lie to me, just continuously.

I tend to take others at face value. It's a basic thing, everybody lies constantly. Some don't even realize they are doing it. They have lied to themselves at such a level they really believe what they are telling me. Due to that knowledge, I tend to just let things go.

I don't walk around thinking, 'Oh this motherfucker is gonna hurt me,' or 'Oh this motherfucker just wants something from me.'

Now I see that it's the way I lie to myself. I assume that others are being 'real' somehow. I assume others are not out to get theirs, even if they have to kick MY teeth in to do it. I assume others are going to follow through with what they say.

And it's a lie. People suck. I think it may be a Societal thing. Everything can seem so safe inside that little bubble. Everyone can seem so benign through that particular looking glass. So, I bought it. I may be at imminent risk of having some motherfucker blow my head off at any moment, or rape me, or torture me, or steal from me, but I can ignore it as long as I am inside that safe little bubble.

I can even say, well I have Self Defense training so I am safe. I am armed so I am safe. Not true, you get the right kinda motherfucker coming after you, they don't give a good goddamn how tough my teeny white girl ass thinks she is. They just want to take, they just want to exert that dominance over me somehow.

Now, I want to know these things, but the cost feels to heavy at times. If I really, really ask myself was I happier, did I feel safer before I started sticking my head in the lion's mouth for pleasure, the answer is an enthusiastic Yes.

Now, I am kinda scared, I feel like I live in a World full of this weird kinda innate cruelty, and that it wants to come after me, it DOES come after me just as hard as everyone else. That I am no more protected from that than the clueless, laughing little blonde Barbies I see.