Ah, to be young again. To feel like the whole world will bow at my feet and conform to what I think it should be. To embody the essence of hope, faith and idealism. To know that over time things will change, the inner knowledge that if I do enough the entire world can be made over in the image I want it to be.
It's bullshit I bought into when I was younger, less cynical and beat down by the World and the general suckage that is humanity. A grand set of delusions I carried back then. I was convinced that things were going to way I thought they would due to a set of pretty thoughts I had. I was going to change the World, be something, do something meaningful with my life and have a lasting impact on all of humanity.
It's fed to you in school, the idea that you can do or be anything you want to be. That the circumstances you were born into, the things that pushed you around and shaped you weren't really shaping you. That I was more than everyone else, blah, blah, blah, insert American dream speech here.
That is not the best beginning for this, it's simply me reminding myself of WHY I have made some of the decisions I made, what the folly of youth really was. Youth isn't about age, it's about experience in my opinion.
I do a lot with the non-profit sector and homeless individuals in my community. I started this portion of my journey from an Idealist's perspective. I was going to change things, make a difference, do something extraordinary, have an impact on my community in some lasting way.
Have I accomplished that? Hell no, the only thing I have exposed myself to is a group of individuals that are crazy, on drugs, lazy as fuck, nasty, or bad luck magnets. I have managed to throw myself into a career path where I come home at night and sob at the hopelessness I see on a daily basis.
They come in and out in and out. Off the streets for a few months and right back on them. Off the drugs and using again a few months later. Getting treatment for the mental shit and then disappearing for months on end. Human trash in so many ways and I was a smiling, happy, let me help you face to be used by them, to be treated as some servant and not what I was, a person VOLUNTEERING their time or working for minimum wage to help them.
There's no gratitude. All I get is give me, give me, give me, why is my laundry taking so long, screamed at, or worse. The other people that are doing what I am doing have worse attitudes than they do. They are constantly being shitty to each other and our 'clients' as well.
TMI right? Well, it's there for a reason. People build up and glamorize things they haven't experienced. We decide that we understand something based on no experience and walk around full of these ideas of what it is, without having lived it. The homeless are victims, the poor need help, violence and murder are cool, I would totally kill every zombie I saw bullshit that exists in every individuals head.
Idealism runs rampant in the Western mind. The reality of certain things will break you.
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
The Wet Stone
There is a refrain you will hear from Satanists and it comes in many forms and has different terms used for it. 'The Fire', steel sharpening steel, putting up your ideas for peer review, etc. It's bullshit, all you do is provide yet another opinion in a sea of opinions. All I do is provide yet another opinion in a sea of opinions.
It's me who sits there with a wet stone slowly sharpening that blade so I can engage in another rhetorical exchange. It's me who figures out where my weaknesses are and turns them into strengths. It's me who applies the lessons, burns down my own paradigm over and over again to see what doesn't burn.
You don't do those things for me. You provide rhetoric. You provide a sparring partner. Someone that I can square off with to see just where my mental strengths and weaknesses are. You are not the one changing my mind or scrutinizing my ideas.
Rhetoric is the art of persuasive speaking or writing. It is not and never has been scrutiny. It's a way to win a discussion, it's a way to influence others ideas, manipulate the masses to agree with your ideas. Rhetoric is useful and all people you encounter in online forums use it to some degree with differing level of success.
Scrutiny is not the same thing. Scrutiny is critical observation or examination. When I present something and get hit with others rhetoric I have a choice to make. I can scrutinize my ideas or reject the rhetoric of others. I can hold onto something that hasn't held up to presenting it to others, or examine myself and the set of ideas in my head I am constantly walking around with.
Some thoughts I have are illusions and delusions I keep for one reason or another. They make me feel comfortable with things, they make me feel safe, I never really questioned the why and whatfors of that concept, whatever.
Other thoughts I have are based on my own personal experience. I lived through something and learned from it, an old idea I had about something was replaced with a concrete, this is how it is in reality concept.
The first kind can potentially be blasted away by someone else's rhetoric. Others will need more, they will need to actually get my hands dirty to get rid of that idea.
It is me doing the critical examination, not others. Others may be challenging me but it's me who sits down and evaluates if my ideas are shit or not afterwards. It's me who takes the rhetoric I encounter and digests it, puts it against my own ideas to see what is left.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
I AM
I AM: FROM FEMALESATAN'S BLOG
I am a stay at home mom (not true).
Who has five kids (is true).
Who dick rides men on the internet (not true but I like dick).
Who certain members at Circle talk shit about behind her back (prolly true)
Nobody respects (not true).
Who quit showing her tits at SIN because nobody wanted to see them (not true, Zach and others begged me on multiple occasions).
Attention whore (VERY true).
Drama Queen (True).
Cunt (also true).
Someone who uses petty personal attacks all the time (Yep).
Liar (absolutely).
Open Book (not true, I guarantee you know less than you think you do about me).
Is stupid (Not true. If I was I wouldn't still be here).
The point is this, I know what people say about me. I always have. If you think rehashing the same old shit about me is going to make me run away and cry in the corner, you are wrong.
So you don't like me as a person. Good, I didn't want you to. You hate me. I got under your skin for some reason. I reflected some concept you have trouble with handling. I stomped on your moral sensibilities. Whatever, you have decided to dismiss me based on who I am.
None of this common string of attacks I receive touches on WHY my ideas are bad. I wanted you to tell me what is wrong with my ideas, put them to scrutiny. You can't or you would have by now. The few that have put my ideas to the test, have earned my respect. The few who have made me think, have earned my respect.
I can guarantee if you are using ANY of the above to take a low blow at me, you aren't on my respect list.
I am a stay at home mom (not true).
Who has five kids (is true).
Who dick rides men on the internet (not true but I like dick).
Who certain members at Circle talk shit about behind her back (prolly true)
Nobody respects (not true).
Who quit showing her tits at SIN because nobody wanted to see them (not true, Zach and others begged me on multiple occasions).
Attention whore (VERY true).
Drama Queen (True).
Cunt (also true).
Someone who uses petty personal attacks all the time (Yep).
Liar (absolutely).
Open Book (not true, I guarantee you know less than you think you do about me).
Is stupid (Not true. If I was I wouldn't still be here).
The point is this, I know what people say about me. I always have. If you think rehashing the same old shit about me is going to make me run away and cry in the corner, you are wrong.
So you don't like me as a person. Good, I didn't want you to. You hate me. I got under your skin for some reason. I reflected some concept you have trouble with handling. I stomped on your moral sensibilities. Whatever, you have decided to dismiss me based on who I am.
None of this common string of attacks I receive touches on WHY my ideas are bad. I wanted you to tell me what is wrong with my ideas, put them to scrutiny. You can't or you would have by now. The few that have put my ideas to the test, have earned my respect. The few who have made me think, have earned my respect.
I can guarantee if you are using ANY of the above to take a low blow at me, you aren't on my respect list.
What Versus Why
WHAT VERSUS WHY FROM FEMALESATAN'S BLOG
Who, what, when, where, why and how. When I was in school I had a teacher that said to process anything you need to be able to actually answer all of these questions. She always laid out tests this way. I do this whenever I am fooling around with a new idea.
When I look at the amount of writing about Satanism it's the what not the why. Now this sounds strange but think about it.
That's what we do, we discuss the what. Over and over again.
Some people misappropriate the What and think it's the why over and over again. It's where the softer version of Satanism comes from. Someone taking the what and making it the why.
They have misunderstood that all a writer can do is tell you what this is.
The why can be explained but it's incredibly difficult to understand without experience.
A great example is the doing meme. People will say they 'do' Satanism but the why can't be explained. They do it because they do goddammit. This makes that whole concept watered down and meaningless. Especially if the what isn't accurately understood either.
Who 'does' Satanism? What is 'doing' Satanism? When do you 'do' Satanism? Where do you 'do' Satanism? Why do you 'do' Satanism? How do you 'do' Satanism?
Answer the questions and get back to me.
Who, what, when, where, why and how. When I was in school I had a teacher that said to process anything you need to be able to actually answer all of these questions. She always laid out tests this way. I do this whenever I am fooling around with a new idea.
When I look at the amount of writing about Satanism it's the what not the why. Now this sounds strange but think about it.
That's what we do, we discuss the what. Over and over again.
Some people misappropriate the What and think it's the why over and over again. It's where the softer version of Satanism comes from. Someone taking the what and making it the why.
They have misunderstood that all a writer can do is tell you what this is.
The why can be explained but it's incredibly difficult to understand without experience.
A great example is the doing meme. People will say they 'do' Satanism but the why can't be explained. They do it because they do goddammit. This makes that whole concept watered down and meaningless. Especially if the what isn't accurately understood either.
Who 'does' Satanism? What is 'doing' Satanism? When do you 'do' Satanism? Where do you 'do' Satanism? Why do you 'do' Satanism? How do you 'do' Satanism?
Answer the questions and get back to me.
Personal Anecdote Blog
PERSONAL ANECDOTE BLOG FROM FEMALESATAN'S BLOG
I was walking down the street one day and heard two guys called me some shitty ass names. I froze, my scared little bunny came out.
But they pulled into a subway real close by, maybe a hundred feet. I stood there and it hit me. Who are you really? Are you the kind of person that takes that? Are you going to take this? What are you going to do? Just walk off or stand up for yourself? How many times does someone say something like that and then pull into a place that close to you?
This was followed by going to worst case scenario in my mind. Will they beat me up? Maybe they'll shoot me if I confront them. What's the worst that could happen (answer everybody dies, every time)?
Go for it. Face it and see what happens, actually stand up for yourself.
So I walked up and wrote down their license plate number. Walked in the Subway.
I screamed, "Hey what you said to me isn't fucking cool! You need to apologize to me! I am a person!"
Everyone jumped including the sandwich artist. The turned around. Now at this point they were pretty fucking scary in my mind. What they really were was something else entirely. They were both teenagers, one of them was in a Cub Scout uniform, LOL.
They both started hurriedly apologizing. I told them I wasn't going to call the cops and left.
Now, I know this is a little silly but it wasn't to me. It was a defining moment in my life, a moment that I practically applied this shit I talk about. I stood up and I said something. I proved to me I was the kind of person that says something when I get fucked with like that.
I was walking down the street one day and heard two guys called me some shitty ass names. I froze, my scared little bunny came out.
But they pulled into a subway real close by, maybe a hundred feet. I stood there and it hit me. Who are you really? Are you the kind of person that takes that? Are you going to take this? What are you going to do? Just walk off or stand up for yourself? How many times does someone say something like that and then pull into a place that close to you?
This was followed by going to worst case scenario in my mind. Will they beat me up? Maybe they'll shoot me if I confront them. What's the worst that could happen (answer everybody dies, every time)?
Go for it. Face it and see what happens, actually stand up for yourself.
So I walked up and wrote down their license plate number. Walked in the Subway.
I screamed, "Hey what you said to me isn't fucking cool! You need to apologize to me! I am a person!"
Everyone jumped including the sandwich artist. The turned around. Now at this point they were pretty fucking scary in my mind. What they really were was something else entirely. They were both teenagers, one of them was in a Cub Scout uniform, LOL.
They both started hurriedly apologizing. I told them I wasn't going to call the cops and left.
Now, I know this is a little silly but it wasn't to me. It was a defining moment in my life, a moment that I practically applied this shit I talk about. I stood up and I said something. I proved to me I was the kind of person that says something when I get fucked with like that.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
You Find Out Who Your Friends Are
Friend is a rather vacuous term in today's society isn't it? It doesn't denote someone that is part of your tribe, it denotes someone that you know passingly to most. It's become a bullshit term. A term that is thrown around, used by people to get, get, get, not necessarily give back.
A term that is used to exert control, to force a conformity on you, that quite simply, I can't abide at times. It makes me angry to see this happen and it happens everywhere.
Now, I don't view friendship in terms of when I am doing well. The frank truth is when you are riding high, everyone likes you. When you have, people love the shit outta you.
When I contemplate who my friends are, I think about the other times. The times the shit hit the fan. Who had my back? Who was there for me when I was at my lowest?
That's a short list, a very short list. People that were there not because I had something that they wanted but because I was one of theirs. A resonance that is borne of something deeper than just a friendship. A moment of commonality and companionship that runs deeper than any of the hubris that it defined as friendship by most.
It's something simple and something indescribably deep in places. A knowing, that this person would actually be there for me, they have already been there for me and in return I will be there for me when they fall down and have their bad moment.
Not to gain but because by knowing them I have gained something precious and irreplaceable. I gained a tribe. So I have no choice but to honor that bond, not out of a loss of freewill or a need to conform but because finding that with someone else, anybody else in a World where most people lack the ability to do that on such a fundamental level, is to precious to violate the terms of that silent agreement you made at that moment.
A term that is used to exert control, to force a conformity on you, that quite simply, I can't abide at times. It makes me angry to see this happen and it happens everywhere.
Now, I don't view friendship in terms of when I am doing well. The frank truth is when you are riding high, everyone likes you. When you have, people love the shit outta you.
When I contemplate who my friends are, I think about the other times. The times the shit hit the fan. Who had my back? Who was there for me when I was at my lowest?
That's a short list, a very short list. People that were there not because I had something that they wanted but because I was one of theirs. A resonance that is borne of something deeper than just a friendship. A moment of commonality and companionship that runs deeper than any of the hubris that it defined as friendship by most.
It's something simple and something indescribably deep in places. A knowing, that this person would actually be there for me, they have already been there for me and in return I will be there for me when they fall down and have their bad moment.
Not to gain but because by knowing them I have gained something precious and irreplaceable. I gained a tribe. So I have no choice but to honor that bond, not out of a loss of freewill or a need to conform but because finding that with someone else, anybody else in a World where most people lack the ability to do that on such a fundamental level, is to precious to violate the terms of that silent agreement you made at that moment.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)