In order to create one has to dig into their mind, find something they feel is worthy of fleshing out, of discovering more fully and then make it with a combination of their imagination and a tool. A worthy thing to attempt. It's difficult to create something worthy of more than a passing glance. It's difficult to wade through what is and isn't good as the creator.
You don't see the flaws or you see every glaring flaw that exists. You want to fix the mistakes. So you start fucking with your creation. Moving this around. Moving that around. Adding this. Taking away that.
You want to start over. You have made the thing unrecognizable from its original intention. It looked better with the imperfections you attempted to fix. It's just a mess now, it's incomprehensible what you were attempting to do to being with. You want to destroy the thing you attempted to discover more fully.
You get hit with the dawning realization that it's you. You are the one that is imperfect. The creation was always perfect. It's you that lacks talent, it's you who made the mistakes.
The tool was a blank canvas you attempted to put the creation on. It's you that made this awful messy thing that looks nothing like what you saw in your head. It's you who made garbage out of nothing.
Now what? Simple, you start over and see what you find worthy of fleshing out that exists in your head, of discovering more fully.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Swallowing Your Teeth
Sometimes, it happens. Life and all of it's bullshit rocks you a bit. For all of my posturing about loving adversity, I only enjoy it until it makes me swallow my teeth.
I am not talking about any of this internet bullshit, I am talking about REAL SHIT. Death, disaster, illness, violence, life altering moments. Moments where the vacuous nature of adversarial discussions bleeds through because something real rocks you, knocks you on your ass, takes your breath out of you. Should I care that some moron made another sock account, when something really bad is happening right now, in front of my eyes and not on computer screen? Of course not and anyone who tries to conflate what happens online with what happens offline, is missing the point of what I am saying. I fully acknowledge that emotional investment online exists, I have it myself. I am simply trying to frame my little ramble so I don't get comments on it that make me want to hurt people. ;)
Recently I have seen more bad, life rocking shit than I saw in my previous 32 years. Every time yet another one of these pops up, the optimist popped up as well. I hate her she lives in my head and clouds my clarity. Give it time she says, things will go back to the way they were. You won't feel like this forever. These moments are passing. Every cloud has a silver lining. The bitch likes platitudes, lol.
What she is the same exact kind of hope and faith shit I am supposed to hate and despise but find my mind clinging to when the shit is hitting the fan. I know where this coping mechanism comes from. My dark and disaster ridden childhood. I learned from an early age that you always put on a good front. You cover up the darkness, the bumps, bruises, and emotional scars with a smile. You keep your shit bottled up. You shut the door on it when you leave the house and that's where it stays until you walk back in the door.
People truly don't give a fuck. They never have. Your disasters are yours. So when asked you put on a smile and say everything is fine. You don't talk about it, talking about is makes it more real somehow, talking about your own shit makes you have to hear people say things that sound exactly like that little voice in my head I despise. I am not an open person, I never have been and honestly, I don't want to be.
I will get through everything the same way that I always have. With my head down, my cloak of stubbornness on, and my sword of tenacity in my hand. Eventually, I will see the other side of what is happening. I always do.
Recently something is changing though. My mind and the way I perceive things is changing as well. I am starting to realize that I may be encountering my new normal, that I may be, just maybe, be getting to see the man behind the curtain of 'status quo' reality.
Those 32 previous years were Alice living in her own little Wonderland. Not just mentally but physically as well. That I was self entitled, pampered, spoiled little brat for the majority of my life. Dark childhood, please. Is it a Western thing? Abso-fucking-lutely. Unlike other people, I get that my Worldview and what I view as normal, acceptable, etc is directly in correlation with what well... everyone else views as normal and acceptable. That when it comes to the terra firma (sorry DD, it's a good way to say it) of my reality it is based in the smoke and mirrors that is the Western mindset.
So when things deviate from that, I find myself going what the fuck is this shit? Over and over again, into perpetuity.
I mention this because I realize that for me at least, I prefer conflict that I am victorious in. The kind where I lose and I lose big teaches me more, shapes my perspective more, but the emotional part of me just wants to throw up her hands, curl up into a ball and cry. The intellectual gets the necessity of real adversity, the kind where you lose, you almost don't get out alive and if you do, you are almost crippled psychologically. The other aspect, just wants it to stop.
I am not talking about any of this internet bullshit, I am talking about REAL SHIT. Death, disaster, illness, violence, life altering moments. Moments where the vacuous nature of adversarial discussions bleeds through because something real rocks you, knocks you on your ass, takes your breath out of you. Should I care that some moron made another sock account, when something really bad is happening right now, in front of my eyes and not on computer screen? Of course not and anyone who tries to conflate what happens online with what happens offline, is missing the point of what I am saying. I fully acknowledge that emotional investment online exists, I have it myself. I am simply trying to frame my little ramble so I don't get comments on it that make me want to hurt people. ;)
Recently I have seen more bad, life rocking shit than I saw in my previous 32 years. Every time yet another one of these pops up, the optimist popped up as well. I hate her she lives in my head and clouds my clarity. Give it time she says, things will go back to the way they were. You won't feel like this forever. These moments are passing. Every cloud has a silver lining. The bitch likes platitudes, lol.
What she is the same exact kind of hope and faith shit I am supposed to hate and despise but find my mind clinging to when the shit is hitting the fan. I know where this coping mechanism comes from. My dark and disaster ridden childhood. I learned from an early age that you always put on a good front. You cover up the darkness, the bumps, bruises, and emotional scars with a smile. You keep your shit bottled up. You shut the door on it when you leave the house and that's where it stays until you walk back in the door.
People truly don't give a fuck. They never have. Your disasters are yours. So when asked you put on a smile and say everything is fine. You don't talk about it, talking about is makes it more real somehow, talking about your own shit makes you have to hear people say things that sound exactly like that little voice in my head I despise. I am not an open person, I never have been and honestly, I don't want to be.
I will get through everything the same way that I always have. With my head down, my cloak of stubbornness on, and my sword of tenacity in my hand. Eventually, I will see the other side of what is happening. I always do.
Recently something is changing though. My mind and the way I perceive things is changing as well. I am starting to realize that I may be encountering my new normal, that I may be, just maybe, be getting to see the man behind the curtain of 'status quo' reality.
Those 32 previous years were Alice living in her own little Wonderland. Not just mentally but physically as well. That I was self entitled, pampered, spoiled little brat for the majority of my life. Dark childhood, please. Is it a Western thing? Abso-fucking-lutely. Unlike other people, I get that my Worldview and what I view as normal, acceptable, etc is directly in correlation with what well... everyone else views as normal and acceptable. That when it comes to the terra firma (sorry DD, it's a good way to say it) of my reality it is based in the smoke and mirrors that is the Western mindset.
So when things deviate from that, I find myself going what the fuck is this shit? Over and over again, into perpetuity.
I mention this because I realize that for me at least, I prefer conflict that I am victorious in. The kind where I lose and I lose big teaches me more, shapes my perspective more, but the emotional part of me just wants to throw up her hands, curl up into a ball and cry. The intellectual gets the necessity of real adversity, the kind where you lose, you almost don't get out alive and if you do, you are almost crippled psychologically. The other aspect, just wants it to stop.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Wondering About Wonder Woman
Who is she? I she a feminazi like Frank Miller portrayed her? The Spirit of Truth as done by George Perez? Or something more curious, more vital than any modern authors interpretation?
William Moulton Marston created her. She's different than other Super Heroes, not because she's a woman. The reason is because of her creator. He was a psychologist, writer, feminist and had a huge bondage fetish. He wanted to be dominated by a strong, indomitable woman and created Wonder Woman to be the embodiment of his theories.
His theory was that women were superior to men because of their loving submission to men. His theory was that if women ruled the World it would be perfect.
Wonder Woman was the answer in his mind. Give girls a strong role model, someone on par with SuperMan would help change women's perception of their place. Wonder Woman was created from clay, this did away with her having a male parent. She lived on Paradise Island, an island devoid of men that is written as a utopia. She wears a costume that embodies that she has no shame in sexuality, it is rife with his fetishism. She carries a rope that makes people obey her. She leaves Paradise Island because she falls in love with a man who landed there. So she leaves with him to be an ambassador for her people in the Man's World. She's going to teach us their ways. She is also tied up, chained up, spanked, etc in the early comics.
Did his experiment work? Ah Hell yeah, she's the most visible female comic book character ever.
What's the issue with Wonder Woman? What does she have no movie? Why outside of being recognizable as the female Super hero does she suffer from an odd vagueness when you talk to people about her? Well, no other author is going to be Marlston. They haven't hired another psychologist/bondage/feminist writers to continue to write her. So she has been reinterpreted over and over again. Modern day feminists find her bondage roots to be icky, so they are shied away from. The Lasso of Obedience has become The Lasso of truth.
Women get super fucking pissy at the submission concept. It's ridiculous if you ever read a comic book forum at the venom that gets spewed when someone brings up the fact that one of her aspects is her author's S and M fetish. Also, her costume. My God, people hate the idea of changing it at all (fun fact she wore a skirt originally).
The person writing her newest run is Brian Azzarello. He has done some interesting things with her. She is now the daughter of Zeus. She is a Demi-God, trained in the art of battle by Ares. The Amazons rape and kill men in an effort to get impregnated and then kill any male infants born or sell them into slavery. Her costume, well Hell looks exactly the same. She mostly fights other Gods and he is doing a more mythological oriented book. She is also SuperMan's girlfriend (this is canon in the New 52).
Her fans have all kinds of opinions about all of this. Most think it's bullshit, that's she's been turned into nothing but SuperMan's arm candy, that she is to hot headed in the new runs of Justice League. These are the same people that hate Frank Miller's feminazi Wonder Woman. These are the same people that hate the costume change that Jim Lee did.
Now why does all of this matter? Because Marlton got exactly what he wanted. She is a feminist icon and very accurately reflects the transition in how society views women and feminists. She has changed dramatically over time, evolved as perceptions of women have. She's become independent, she is finally choosing to be with a man who is her equivalent and her equal.
I like the new Wonder Woman comics. My daughter has recently got into them and I read them when she's done. It's great to see Azzarello's attempts to ground her a bit, give her depth, make her a little less one dimensional, a little less of just an icon and more of a woman.
That's what Wonder Woman lacks that Super Heroes like Superman and Batman have. She's a Wonder, but who is the Woman? That's an aspect of her character that still needs to be told, in a Post-Feminist era, while still nodding to the original creator. That's the struggle, that's what makes her difficult to write or sum up in a few sentences. Like all women she is an enigma, something that men have a difficulty understanding.
William Moulton Marston created her. She's different than other Super Heroes, not because she's a woman. The reason is because of her creator. He was a psychologist, writer, feminist and had a huge bondage fetish. He wanted to be dominated by a strong, indomitable woman and created Wonder Woman to be the embodiment of his theories.
His theory was that women were superior to men because of their loving submission to men. His theory was that if women ruled the World it would be perfect.
Wonder Woman was the answer in his mind. Give girls a strong role model, someone on par with SuperMan would help change women's perception of their place. Wonder Woman was created from clay, this did away with her having a male parent. She lived on Paradise Island, an island devoid of men that is written as a utopia. She wears a costume that embodies that she has no shame in sexuality, it is rife with his fetishism. She carries a rope that makes people obey her. She leaves Paradise Island because she falls in love with a man who landed there. So she leaves with him to be an ambassador for her people in the Man's World. She's going to teach us their ways. She is also tied up, chained up, spanked, etc in the early comics.
Did his experiment work? Ah Hell yeah, she's the most visible female comic book character ever.
What's the issue with Wonder Woman? What does she have no movie? Why outside of being recognizable as the female Super hero does she suffer from an odd vagueness when you talk to people about her? Well, no other author is going to be Marlston. They haven't hired another psychologist/bondage/feminist writers to continue to write her. So she has been reinterpreted over and over again. Modern day feminists find her bondage roots to be icky, so they are shied away from. The Lasso of Obedience has become The Lasso of truth.
Women get super fucking pissy at the submission concept. It's ridiculous if you ever read a comic book forum at the venom that gets spewed when someone brings up the fact that one of her aspects is her author's S and M fetish. Also, her costume. My God, people hate the idea of changing it at all (fun fact she wore a skirt originally).
The person writing her newest run is Brian Azzarello. He has done some interesting things with her. She is now the daughter of Zeus. She is a Demi-God, trained in the art of battle by Ares. The Amazons rape and kill men in an effort to get impregnated and then kill any male infants born or sell them into slavery. Her costume, well Hell looks exactly the same. She mostly fights other Gods and he is doing a more mythological oriented book. She is also SuperMan's girlfriend (this is canon in the New 52).
Her fans have all kinds of opinions about all of this. Most think it's bullshit, that's she's been turned into nothing but SuperMan's arm candy, that she is to hot headed in the new runs of Justice League. These are the same people that hate Frank Miller's feminazi Wonder Woman. These are the same people that hate the costume change that Jim Lee did.
Now why does all of this matter? Because Marlton got exactly what he wanted. She is a feminist icon and very accurately reflects the transition in how society views women and feminists. She has changed dramatically over time, evolved as perceptions of women have. She's become independent, she is finally choosing to be with a man who is her equivalent and her equal.
I like the new Wonder Woman comics. My daughter has recently got into them and I read them when she's done. It's great to see Azzarello's attempts to ground her a bit, give her depth, make her a little less one dimensional, a little less of just an icon and more of a woman.
That's what Wonder Woman lacks that Super Heroes like Superman and Batman have. She's a Wonder, but who is the Woman? That's an aspect of her character that still needs to be told, in a Post-Feminist era, while still nodding to the original creator. That's the struggle, that's what makes her difficult to write or sum up in a few sentences. Like all women she is an enigma, something that men have a difficulty understanding.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
I Don't Give A Fuck
I don't give a fuck.
Anybody see posts like this over and over again?
I do and I have to say it's bullshit. The number one symptom of not giving a fuck is apathy. So running around telling people you don't give a fuck shows you do, in fact give a fuck.
I understand why you give a fuck. Wanting people to like you is a natural thing. Wanting friends is a natural thing. Satanists are hard nuts to crack and being able to tell if they like you or if they don't is difficult. Being able to tell if your posts make a difference or not is difficult.
I used to be the same way. I was raised to be a people pleaser to put others needs before my own. I still give a fuck about people's opinions of me if and only if they have broke through the wall I have built around myself.
The wall exists from being hurt, by having my ass handed to me over and over again by life. It's not a path I would recommend to others. I don't want to be suspicious of others. I don't want to constantly watch my back, be prepared for the knife to go in. That attitude has been born out of necessity. From stepping out of the mainstream long enough to see the monster that lies underneath the veneer of the status quo.
So just fucking stop already. The number of people you are fooling with your I don't give a fuck status is zero. If you didn't give a fuck, you wouldn't be posting it.
Anybody see posts like this over and over again?
I do and I have to say it's bullshit. The number one symptom of not giving a fuck is apathy. So running around telling people you don't give a fuck shows you do, in fact give a fuck.
I understand why you give a fuck. Wanting people to like you is a natural thing. Wanting friends is a natural thing. Satanists are hard nuts to crack and being able to tell if they like you or if they don't is difficult. Being able to tell if your posts make a difference or not is difficult.
I used to be the same way. I was raised to be a people pleaser to put others needs before my own. I still give a fuck about people's opinions of me if and only if they have broke through the wall I have built around myself.
The wall exists from being hurt, by having my ass handed to me over and over again by life. It's not a path I would recommend to others. I don't want to be suspicious of others. I don't want to constantly watch my back, be prepared for the knife to go in. That attitude has been born out of necessity. From stepping out of the mainstream long enough to see the monster that lies underneath the veneer of the status quo.
So just fucking stop already. The number of people you are fooling with your I don't give a fuck status is zero. If you didn't give a fuck, you wouldn't be posting it.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
I Just Want To Meet Like Minded Individuals
Fuck me I am tired of hearing this phrase.
Why do you want to meet like minded individuals? Do you really think every goddamn idea in your head is that fucking good? Do you really want to meet a bunch of people who bob their head in agreement every time you have a fucking brain fart and spew it out on the internet?
See, I don't really seek like minded individuals. I seek people that are frustratingly different than me in mindset. I seek people that challenge what I think, that make me question all of those grand fucking ideas I have in my head.
I am wrong and I am wrong a lot. I don't have everything figured out. I don't pretend to have everything figured out. I haven't had every experience, I haven't drank from every cup of knowledge in existence and that leads me to seek out other who may know something that I don't.
Conflict breeds growth. People challenging you breeds growth, especially if you approach it with the right mindset. Some are going to be idiotic fucking tools, but not all of them are. You may even learn something about yourself from the ones that are idiotic fucking tools.
The thing I do seek in a 'like minded individuals' manner, is people that view conflict the way I do.
Now that you've joined this forum and made your trite, bland and heavily recycled intro post saying that you want to meet like minded individuals, what are you going to do when you come across someone who isn't like minded? What are you going to do when someone says one of your oh so brilliant ideas is shit?
Why do you want to meet like minded individuals? Do you really think every goddamn idea in your head is that fucking good? Do you really want to meet a bunch of people who bob their head in agreement every time you have a fucking brain fart and spew it out on the internet?
See, I don't really seek like minded individuals. I seek people that are frustratingly different than me in mindset. I seek people that challenge what I think, that make me question all of those grand fucking ideas I have in my head.
I am wrong and I am wrong a lot. I don't have everything figured out. I don't pretend to have everything figured out. I haven't had every experience, I haven't drank from every cup of knowledge in existence and that leads me to seek out other who may know something that I don't.
Conflict breeds growth. People challenging you breeds growth, especially if you approach it with the right mindset. Some are going to be idiotic fucking tools, but not all of them are. You may even learn something about yourself from the ones that are idiotic fucking tools.
The thing I do seek in a 'like minded individuals' manner, is people that view conflict the way I do.
Now that you've joined this forum and made your trite, bland and heavily recycled intro post saying that you want to meet like minded individuals, what are you going to do when you come across someone who isn't like minded? What are you going to do when someone says one of your oh so brilliant ideas is shit?
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
The Schism
Within Satanism there are two primary schools of thought emerging. One school of thought views Satanism as a Philosophy, the other views Satanism as a Praxis. Lately, the two have been butting heads in a major way and one that surprises me. I truly think that Satanism is both a Philosophy and a Praxis. Like anything else, in order to truly be able to say a label defines you, one has to live that label, embrace it as an action, thinking is simply not enough.
The philosophical Satanist has obvious roots. People like Bloom, Rand, LaVey, Jason King and others have put forth a viewpoint that the World is Satanic. that embracing the way things truly are is to embrace things like conflict, adversity, strife, and other concepts that have ground shaking consequences on the psyche. To understand that the World is Satanic is to embrace the World as it really is, to realize that your base human nature is somehow glorious, even Godly (hate that word) in nature.
The Praxis oriented Satanist has its roots in Vamachara, Anton Long, Dan Dread, Diavolo and others. The viewpoint is that one cannot claim a label unless they live that label. While the ONA put forth a very specific list of things to do in order to achieve this level of knowledge with the Seven Fold Sinister Way, more modern authors equate this to busting personal chains on the psyche. Some will be common to most people living in a certain society, others will be more personal and individual.
Okay, brief history and shout outs to various thinkers is done.
When I read these various authors one overarching theme comes to mind. The RHP has its roots in repressing human nature and rejecting it outright. The LHP seems to be more about embracing that human nature and rejecting the status quo.
Neither school of thought has its roots in just thinking thoughts in order to be _________. Can a good Christian be out lusting after others, drinking, smoking, fighting, cheating and stealing? No. Can a decent Satanist have a life that basically resembles everyone else's, never go outside of their comfort zone and still use that label and use it meaningfully? No.
It's that simple. I can do it with ANY school of thought. Can a Wiccan worship just the God or do they have to embrace the Sacred Feminine as well? Can a Thelemite just read some Crowley and that's it? No, each involves action of some kind, rather it's a lifestyle, ritual work, or something else.
So I obviously fall into the Praxis camp. Why? I was raised to never do anything luke-warm. You love, you go all in. You hate, you go all in. You want to have children, you go all in. No half assing anything. It's not enough to call yourself something and be done with it. ANYTHING worth labeling yourself has to be something that describes you and the way you act, that, if necessary, defines and changes your life.
When I came to the realization that the World was somehow reflecting the phenomenon trying to be captured with the word Satan, another realization followed. It's not enough to recognize, one has to be it, one has to act as Satan would. One has to rage war with the status quo, even if it's the parts of it that exists in their own mind.
Taking it a step forward, my own veneer put on this phenomenon is that it is female and declaring war on a male status quo, the patriarchy as it currently stands. If Satan represents Nature or the World, than Satan is female, as is all Goddesses who have represented the Earth. Even if they are dried, decaying shells of what I feel when I contemplate this. Rage, anger, hatred are all part and parcel for my own personal conception of this Female Satan that clunks around in my head.
My Own Personal Issues With Both Schools of Thought
I find the philosophical Satanist and their understanding of the World to be vital to understanding why one should DO the DO, so to speak. One has to find a growing hatred with things that want to oppress human nature, with ways of life that oppress this phenomenon all of us attempt to describe, that want to force you into some kind of box and make you conform to their standards.
Once that hatred is found, declaring a personal war on the status quo is the next logical step. Deciding that you will cut your own Path, do your own thing, try to discover who you really are free of these societal memes is a logical next step. What's the point in being able to point to and understand something if you do not act on that realization?
My own personal contention with the Philosophical Satanist is that to many do just that. They recognize the phenomenon and then stop. They do nothing else whatsoever. They may rant and rage about this and that, but ultimately they are full of hot air. Like the teenager who HATES their parents but never sneaks out, never dyes their hair an outrageous color, they just keep doing what their parents say. All of the rebelling takes place inside their mind. So it fails ultimately.
The Praxis Satanist has another pox that exists in its camp. It's people that make the claim that they are doing all of these grand, evil, Sinister shit but they're really not. They're chest thumping and honestly, are more fucking annoying than almost anything else I run into. I find people that run around bragging or acting like they are completely immoral to be missing some fundamental thing I have found since I started breaking my own psychological chains.
I spend most of my time when this is done and done right feeling anything but victorious. It makes me feel melancholic, lonely, bitter, small, defenseless, weak, and scared. I want to go back and not know what I now know. I want to cry and beat my head against a wall for hours. I feel less like a bad ass everyday and more vulnerable than ever, more fragile, more human. NOBODY ever told me that's what the 'doing' of Satanism gets you. NOBODY attached a warning label to it. They all ran around talking about how awesome and free they feel. The bastards lied to me, they beat their chests and denied the darker aspects of this shit. Sometimes in my darkest moments I wonder if I am somehow not doing this the right way. All of my realizations are just how small, weak and pathetic I really am.
Conclusion
Both schools of thought have something to offer and one should read all of these perspectives in order to understand what they are getting into and why it is important. Go farther than just reading some shit though, don't be luke-warm about your Satanism. There should be more fire in the belly of a Satanist than a Christian. Let them live lives that are not reflecting their chosen Paths.
FS
The philosophical Satanist has obvious roots. People like Bloom, Rand, LaVey, Jason King and others have put forth a viewpoint that the World is Satanic. that embracing the way things truly are is to embrace things like conflict, adversity, strife, and other concepts that have ground shaking consequences on the psyche. To understand that the World is Satanic is to embrace the World as it really is, to realize that your base human nature is somehow glorious, even Godly (hate that word) in nature.
The Praxis oriented Satanist has its roots in Vamachara, Anton Long, Dan Dread, Diavolo and others. The viewpoint is that one cannot claim a label unless they live that label. While the ONA put forth a very specific list of things to do in order to achieve this level of knowledge with the Seven Fold Sinister Way, more modern authors equate this to busting personal chains on the psyche. Some will be common to most people living in a certain society, others will be more personal and individual.
Okay, brief history and shout outs to various thinkers is done.
When I read these various authors one overarching theme comes to mind. The RHP has its roots in repressing human nature and rejecting it outright. The LHP seems to be more about embracing that human nature and rejecting the status quo.
Neither school of thought has its roots in just thinking thoughts in order to be _________. Can a good Christian be out lusting after others, drinking, smoking, fighting, cheating and stealing? No. Can a decent Satanist have a life that basically resembles everyone else's, never go outside of their comfort zone and still use that label and use it meaningfully? No.
It's that simple. I can do it with ANY school of thought. Can a Wiccan worship just the God or do they have to embrace the Sacred Feminine as well? Can a Thelemite just read some Crowley and that's it? No, each involves action of some kind, rather it's a lifestyle, ritual work, or something else.
So I obviously fall into the Praxis camp. Why? I was raised to never do anything luke-warm. You love, you go all in. You hate, you go all in. You want to have children, you go all in. No half assing anything. It's not enough to call yourself something and be done with it. ANYTHING worth labeling yourself has to be something that describes you and the way you act, that, if necessary, defines and changes your life.
When I came to the realization that the World was somehow reflecting the phenomenon trying to be captured with the word Satan, another realization followed. It's not enough to recognize, one has to be it, one has to act as Satan would. One has to rage war with the status quo, even if it's the parts of it that exists in their own mind.
Taking it a step forward, my own veneer put on this phenomenon is that it is female and declaring war on a male status quo, the patriarchy as it currently stands. If Satan represents Nature or the World, than Satan is female, as is all Goddesses who have represented the Earth. Even if they are dried, decaying shells of what I feel when I contemplate this. Rage, anger, hatred are all part and parcel for my own personal conception of this Female Satan that clunks around in my head.
My Own Personal Issues With Both Schools of Thought
I find the philosophical Satanist and their understanding of the World to be vital to understanding why one should DO the DO, so to speak. One has to find a growing hatred with things that want to oppress human nature, with ways of life that oppress this phenomenon all of us attempt to describe, that want to force you into some kind of box and make you conform to their standards.
Once that hatred is found, declaring a personal war on the status quo is the next logical step. Deciding that you will cut your own Path, do your own thing, try to discover who you really are free of these societal memes is a logical next step. What's the point in being able to point to and understand something if you do not act on that realization?
My own personal contention with the Philosophical Satanist is that to many do just that. They recognize the phenomenon and then stop. They do nothing else whatsoever. They may rant and rage about this and that, but ultimately they are full of hot air. Like the teenager who HATES their parents but never sneaks out, never dyes their hair an outrageous color, they just keep doing what their parents say. All of the rebelling takes place inside their mind. So it fails ultimately.
The Praxis Satanist has another pox that exists in its camp. It's people that make the claim that they are doing all of these grand, evil, Sinister shit but they're really not. They're chest thumping and honestly, are more fucking annoying than almost anything else I run into. I find people that run around bragging or acting like they are completely immoral to be missing some fundamental thing I have found since I started breaking my own psychological chains.
I spend most of my time when this is done and done right feeling anything but victorious. It makes me feel melancholic, lonely, bitter, small, defenseless, weak, and scared. I want to go back and not know what I now know. I want to cry and beat my head against a wall for hours. I feel less like a bad ass everyday and more vulnerable than ever, more fragile, more human. NOBODY ever told me that's what the 'doing' of Satanism gets you. NOBODY attached a warning label to it. They all ran around talking about how awesome and free they feel. The bastards lied to me, they beat their chests and denied the darker aspects of this shit. Sometimes in my darkest moments I wonder if I am somehow not doing this the right way. All of my realizations are just how small, weak and pathetic I really am.
Conclusion
Both schools of thought have something to offer and one should read all of these perspectives in order to understand what they are getting into and why it is important. Go farther than just reading some shit though, don't be luke-warm about your Satanism. There should be more fire in the belly of a Satanist than a Christian. Let them live lives that are not reflecting their chosen Paths.
FS
Sunday, March 31, 2013
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