I'm Just A Girl

That's all you'll let me be, oh I'm just a girl living in captivity.... (Gwen Stefani)

Sorry, all I was rocking out with my breasts out. :)

I don't make many apologies for what I am, Unless I am feeling hypocritical as fuck. A certain problem that has remained in my pursuit of the LHP is that I am a woman. I know this sounds stupid, but it's true.

When I walk a mean street I walk it in fear. In some of my doings of Satanism I have realized that a man symbolizes protection in certain situations. Having one by your side means you are less likely to get fucked with. It doesn't matter how bad ass you are in you head, in the real, where people fucking bleed for talking shit, as a woman you are a walking victim. You're smaller, you're weaker, you can be hurt easier. It doesn't matter if you have training, you are a bunny, not a lion.

I know that most women who claim to be Satanists are the equivalent of the bitch on the back of the bike. They're not a biker, they're the biker's bitch. Arm candy, a hole to have things inserted in, a groupie, not a force to be reckoned with in their own right.

I am different, I am a biker. Hell, I have a bitch or two on the back of my bike when I roll down the street. It's just the way it is. I don't want to be the monster's girlfriend, I want to be a monster in my own right.

So I actually walk my motherfucking walk. Even when it puts me in dangerous situations, even when it drags me kicking and screaming to stare at the abyss.

Danger occurs for me more than it would for a man. I have crackheads walk up to me and grab me by my arm and ask me if I want to party. I have had four guys surround me and say, 'You think you can just walk off looking the way that you do and saying the shit that you just said.' I got one down, but they made me bleed.

And my little bunny instinct kicks in and says 'RUN!!!!' I refuse to listen to it. I walk around like I am not going to die, like I am not going to suffer the ultimate consequence for living the lifestyle that I do. The bushido code can be summed up as live like you're dying. The whole idea is to die a good death with your honor not laying at your feet. That book is more my creed, my modus operandi than anything LaVey wrote. It's actually deep if you don't skim it people.

Recently some of the restrictions I have had on myself have been lifted. I have lost the only thing that stopped me from actually becoming a Satan in the real, where it matters. I'm the bad guy of that tale and it's one that will never leave my lips. I deserve the Hell I am currently walking in.

So for better or worse, I am not half assing it anymore. I find that as a woman, I am quite simply the prey of men. Yep, that's right humans are at the top of the motherfucking food chain but men sit above women. This is about physicality, not mental prowess or any hidden sacred feminine bullshit. In some situations the only thing that matters is who is stronger physically, who can hit harder and who has more stamina.

Women want to pretend this is not reality. They want to hide the fact that they are prey, that they have a little bunny instict telling them not to rock the boat, to hide and to run. The fact of the matter is this wouldn't be a Patriarchal society if men didn't dominate women in some way. If you take off the rose colored glasses and step out of the bubble of society it's there and it's manifest every day. Go sleep on the streets as a woman and see what the outcome is. Go walk through a shitty neighborhood sometime. Go out of the suburbs, off your beaten path and see what lays in the darkness seeking to take you down as a woman.

Now I was raised to play out the worst case scenario in my head before I do anything. This is actually bad advice by the way because my mind is always like 'and then everyone died.' It was my mothers way of saying see things aren't that bad. What it has done most often for me is bring out the little bunny instinct and make me go, 'nope fuck that.' So I spent a good number of years in a constant state of fear, waiting for someone to hurt me.

Here's the thing though, humans avoid pain. I have avoided situations in the past just to not hurt a little. The thing is, hurt is cleansing in a way. You can take more physically than you ever thought you could. When blood runs down your face because you actually stood the fuck up, you have a Jesus Christ I survived that moment. When you have another one of those and another one, it hits you like a ton of bricks. They may hurt me but I would truly prefer to die on my feet than live on my knees. I truly want to die with my honor intact, to know that I kicked that bunny instinct once and for all.

Women will avoid that conflict at all costs. As prey we are designed to be peace makers, not fighters. Thing is it wasn't always that way. Women were Warriors for a long ass time. Satanism is just that a motherfucking Warrior Ethos. It's not black and listening to death metal. It's not being the arm candy to some big guy and giggling like a school girl when he says something. I would much prefer to be an anomaly than the alternative, it's dishonorable as fuck to just turn the other cheek.

Snakes In The Grass

All social interaction is a give and a take. A relationship is almost always based on things that once emotion is taken away are just transactions.

This very quickly gets into manipulation of others. The attempt by you to gain from someone else without giving much. You can see this social manipulation everywhere you go. When you deal with Satanists its discussed with a viewpoint that lacks the moral repugnance you will see from other groups. People boast and brag about the manipulative skills or how they have done this or that to someone else. Like it's somehow different than what is done subconsciously by all humans on a daily basis.

Let's put that shoe on the other foot for a minute. It's always perfectly fine when you are on top and the one manipulating the shit outta someone. It sucks when it's done to you. It will just piss you off that it happened to you.

And everyone has had it happen to them. Everyone gets screwed over by someone else sometime. Your boss asks you to do a little extra work in order to get promoted but the promotion never comes. You fuck somebody and they don't call you back. You realize you are buying a whole lot of dinner and drinks for your friend but they don't reciprocate. Whatever, you get fucked over like you bent over and begged for it.

One night I went to a bar and started talking to this really cute guy. The first thing I said to him was, "Hi, do you have a condom?" Yes, I am this kind of slut when I am in excruciating mental pain, it's a side effect. I refused to let him buy me any drinks. I went to his car fucked him and said to him, "Thanks." and got out of his car. He kept saying where are you going?, what are you doing?, etc. I felt sorry for him and gave him my phone number.

This motherfucker blew my phone up for about a week. I know on the surface it looks like something any dude would want. However, because I was the one manipulating him into a one night stand he was hurt and pissed over the whole thing. One of his messages he left was something to the effect of he has one night stands all the time but NO woman just fucks him and doesn't call him back.

It happens to me all the time as well. Someone manipulates me and succeeds I feel like a moron. I am hurt, I am pissed off, I feel betrayed, used. Now considering that I can intellectually figure out that this is what most social interaction is based on I shouldn't feel that way. Considering I discuss this concept quite frequently with a moral detachment why do I suddenly feel moral repugnance when it happens to me?

'Do unto others as they do unto you' is all fine and good until someone does to me what I do to others. Like any monkey behavior I see in myself it's hypocritical as fuck. It's yet another example of how I intellectualize something without accounting for the emotional component.

I was standing in line at a coffee place and realized I was totally flirting with some guy I had no intention of having anything to do with. He was cute and I hate paying for my own coffee. I caught myself flipping my hair mid -standing in line- conversation with him. I actually thought, 'the fuck are you doing Jeanette' when he said, 'What kind of coffee do you want?'

I also watch other people for manipulative behavior and examine past interactions for any hint of manipulation in them. I think things like, 'did he actually think I was intelligent or was it an excuse to get into my pants.' 'is she using me?' 'When that happened five years ago was he intending to fuck me over?'

Just a loop that is paranoid as fuck but utterly realistic. People, whether they realize it or not, are snakes in the grass. Since I know that, I don't want to get bitten.

Creating

In order to create one has to dig into their mind, find something they feel is worthy of fleshing out, of discovering more fully and then make it with a combination of their imagination and a tool. A worthy thing to attempt. It's difficult to create something worthy of more than a passing glance. It's difficult to wade through what is and isn't good as the creator.

You don't see the flaws or you see every glaring flaw that exists. You want to fix the mistakes. So you start fucking with your creation. Moving this around. Moving that around. Adding this. Taking away that.

You want to start over. You have made the thing unrecognizable from its original intention. It looked better with the imperfections you attempted to fix. It's just a mess now, it's incomprehensible what you were attempting to do to being with. You want to destroy the thing you attempted to discover more fully.

You get hit with the dawning realization that it's you. You are the one that is imperfect. The creation was always perfect. It's you that lacks talent, it's you who made the mistakes.

The tool was a blank canvas you attempted to put the creation on. It's you that made this awful messy thing that looks nothing like what you saw in your head. It's you who made garbage out of nothing.

Now what? Simple, you start over and see what you find worthy of fleshing out that exists in your head, of discovering more fully.

Swallowing Your Teeth

Sometimes, it happens. Life and all of it's bullshit rocks you a bit. For all of my posturing about loving adversity, I only enjoy it until it makes me swallow my teeth.

I am not talking about any of this internet bullshit, I am talking about REAL SHIT. Death, disaster, illness, violence, life altering moments. Moments where the vacuous nature of adversarial discussions bleeds through because something real rocks you, knocks you on your ass, takes your breath out of you. Should I care that some moron made another sock account, when something really bad is happening right now, in front of my eyes and not on computer screen? Of course not and anyone who tries to conflate what happens online with what happens offline, is missing the point of what I am saying. I fully acknowledge that emotional investment online exists, I have it myself. I am simply trying to frame my little ramble so I don't get comments on it that make me want to hurt people. ;)

Recently I have seen more bad, life rocking shit than I saw in my previous 32 years. Every time yet another one of these pops up, the optimist popped up as well. I hate her she lives in my head and clouds my clarity. Give it time she says, things will go back to the way they were. You won't feel like this forever. These moments are passing. Every cloud has a silver lining. The bitch likes platitudes, lol.

What she is the same exact kind of hope and faith shit I am supposed to hate and despise but find my mind clinging to when the shit is hitting the fan. I know where this coping mechanism comes from. My dark and disaster ridden childhood. I learned from an early age that you always put on a good front. You cover up the darkness, the bumps, bruises, and emotional scars with a smile. You keep your shit bottled up. You shut the door on it when you leave the house and that's where it stays until you walk back in the door.

People truly don't give a fuck. They never have. Your disasters are yours. So when asked you put on a smile and say everything is fine. You don't talk about it, talking about is makes it more real somehow, talking about your own shit makes you have to hear people say things that sound exactly like that little voice in my head I despise. I am not an open person, I never have been and honestly, I don't want to be.

I will get through everything the same way that I always have. With my head down, my cloak of stubbornness on, and my sword of tenacity in my hand. Eventually, I will see the other side of what is happening. I always do.

Recently something is changing though. My mind and the way I perceive things is changing as well. I am starting to realize that I may be encountering my new normal, that I may be, just maybe, be getting to see the man behind the curtain of 'status quo' reality.

Those 32 previous years were Alice living in her own little Wonderland. Not just mentally but physically as well. That I was self entitled, pampered, spoiled little brat for the majority of my life. Dark childhood, please. Is it a Western thing? Abso-fucking-lutely. Unlike other people, I get that my Worldview and what I view as normal, acceptable, etc is directly in correlation with what well... everyone else views as normal and acceptable. That when it comes to the terra firma (sorry DD, it's a good way to say it) of my reality it is based in the smoke and mirrors that is the Western mindset.

So when things deviate from that, I find myself going what the fuck is this shit? Over and over again, into perpetuity.

I mention this because I realize that for me at least, I prefer conflict that I am victorious in. The kind where I lose and I lose big teaches me more, shapes my perspective more, but the emotional part of me just wants to throw up her hands, curl up into a ball and cry. The intellectual gets the necessity of real adversity, the kind where you lose, you almost don't get out alive and if you do, you are almost crippled psychologically. The other aspect, just wants it to stop.

Wondering About Wonder Woman

Who is she? I she a feminazi like Frank Miller portrayed her? The Spirit of Truth as done by George Perez? Or something more curious, more vital than any modern authors interpretation?

William Moulton Marston created her. She's different than other Super Heroes, not because she's a woman. The reason is because of her creator. He was a psychologist, writer, feminist and had a huge bondage fetish. He wanted to be dominated by a strong, indomitable woman and created Wonder Woman to be the embodiment of his theories.

His theory was that women were superior to men because of their loving submission to men. His theory was that if women ruled the World it would be perfect.

Wonder Woman was the answer in his mind. Give girls a strong role model, someone on par with SuperMan would help change women's perception of their place. Wonder Woman was created from clay, this did away with her having a male parent. She lived on Paradise Island, an island devoid of men that is written as a utopia. She wears a costume that embodies that she has no shame in sexuality, it is rife with his fetishism. She carries a rope that makes people obey her. She leaves Paradise Island because she falls in love with a man who landed there. So she leaves with him to be an ambassador for her people in the Man's World. She's going to teach us their ways. She is also tied up, chained up, spanked, etc in the early comics.

Did his experiment work? Ah Hell yeah, she's the most visible female comic book character ever.

What's the issue with Wonder Woman? What does she have no movie? Why outside of being recognizable as the female Super hero does she suffer from an odd vagueness when you talk to people about her? Well, no other author is going to be Marlston. They haven't hired another psychologist/bondage/feminist writers to continue to write her. So she has been reinterpreted over and over again. Modern day feminists find her bondage roots to be icky, so they are shied away from. The Lasso of Obedience has become The Lasso of truth.

Women get super fucking pissy at the submission concept. It's ridiculous if you ever read a comic book forum at the venom that gets spewed when someone brings up the fact that one of her aspects is her author's S and M fetish. Also, her costume. My God, people hate the idea of changing it at all (fun fact she wore a skirt originally).

The person writing her newest run is Brian Azzarello. He has done some interesting things with her. She is now the daughter of Zeus. She is a Demi-God, trained in the art of battle by Ares. The Amazons rape and kill men in an effort to get impregnated and then kill any male infants born or sell them into slavery. Her costume, well Hell looks exactly the same. She mostly fights other Gods and he is doing a more mythological oriented book. She is also SuperMan's girlfriend (this is canon in the New 52).

Her fans have all kinds of opinions about all of this. Most think it's bullshit, that's she's been turned into nothing but SuperMan's arm candy, that she is to hot headed in the new runs of Justice League. These are the same people that hate Frank Miller's feminazi Wonder Woman. These are the same people that hate the costume change that Jim Lee did.

Now why does all of this matter? Because Marlton got exactly what he wanted. She is a feminist icon and very accurately reflects the transition in how society views women and feminists. She has changed dramatically over time, evolved as perceptions of women have. She's become independent, she is finally choosing to be with a man who is her equivalent and her equal.

I like the new Wonder Woman comics. My daughter has recently got into them and I read them when she's done. It's great to see Azzarello's attempts to ground her a bit, give her depth, make her a little less one dimensional, a little less of just an icon and more of a woman.

That's what Wonder Woman lacks that Super Heroes like Superman and Batman have. She's a Wonder, but who is the Woman? That's an aspect of her character that still needs to be told, in a Post-Feminist era, while still nodding to the original creator. That's the struggle, that's what makes her difficult to write or sum up in a few sentences. Like all women she is an enigma, something that men have a difficulty understanding.

I Don't Give A Fuck

I don't give a fuck.

Anybody see posts like this over and over again?

I do and I have to say it's bullshit. The number one symptom of not giving a fuck is apathy. So running around telling people you don't give a fuck shows you do, in fact give a fuck.

I understand why you give a fuck. Wanting people to like you is a natural thing. Wanting friends is a natural thing. Satanists are hard nuts to crack and being able to tell if they like you or if they don't is difficult. Being able to tell if your posts make a difference or not is difficult.

I used to be the same way. I was raised to be a people pleaser to put others needs before my own. I still give a fuck about people's opinions of me if and only if they have broke through the wall I have built around myself.

The wall exists from being hurt, by having my ass handed to me over and over again by life. It's not a path I would recommend to others. I don't want to be suspicious of others. I don't want to constantly watch my back, be prepared for the knife to go in. That attitude has been born out of necessity. From stepping out of the mainstream long enough to see the monster that lies underneath the veneer of the status quo.

So just fucking stop already. The number of people you are fooling with your I don't give a fuck status is zero. If you didn't give a fuck, you wouldn't be posting it.

I Just Want To Meet Like Minded Individuals

Fuck me I am tired of hearing this phrase.

Why do you want to meet like minded individuals? Do you really think every goddamn idea in your head is that fucking good? Do you really want to meet a bunch of people who bob their head in agreement every time you have a fucking brain fart and spew it out on the internet?

See, I don't really seek like minded individuals. I seek people that are frustratingly different than me in mindset. I seek people that challenge what I think, that make me question all of those grand fucking ideas I have in my head.

I am wrong and I am wrong a lot. I don't have everything figured out. I don't pretend to have everything figured out. I haven't had every experience, I haven't drank from every cup of knowledge in existence and that leads me to seek out other who may know something that I don't.

Conflict breeds growth. People challenging you breeds growth, especially if you approach it with the right mindset. Some are going to be idiotic fucking tools, but not all of them are. You may even learn something about yourself from the ones that are idiotic fucking tools.

The thing I do seek in a 'like minded individuals' manner, is people that view conflict the way I do.

Now that you've joined this forum and made your trite, bland and heavily recycled intro post saying that you want to meet like minded individuals, what are you going to do when you come across someone who isn't like minded? What are you going to do when someone says one of your oh so brilliant ideas is shit?