For Sakurai Or Don't Be a Victim

Sakurai, I read your blog and the responses. Your blog was an illustration of why I fight back. Why I feel ALL women should know how to defend themselves. You weren't experiencing shyness. You are a walking victim. That was good old fashioned fear.

The minute you go out you are truly exposed, vulnerable. As an unarmed and untrained woman, you are scared as a result. Walking in a sea of predators. That guy who was acting weird set off your survival instinct. That's why you reacted the way you did. The knowledge in the back of your mind he could take what he wanted. He could have raped you, killed you, etc. Own that fact, it leads to an essential point.

While facing your fears is important and a critical part of the LHP, so is self defense. How can an individual feel self confidence if they would be a victim in a physical situation.? One of the things I have done as part of my praxis to lose shyness, is become a predator.

Shyness is simply fear manifesting. I am a smallish female myself. I figuredd out a while ago I wanted to be a predator. A walking manifestation of the Sinister Feminine. So, I carry pepper spray, a knife and a gun at all times. I have taken self defense classes. My physical fitness is almost a religion for me. I am now searching for a good fighting style to train in.

These things have made my confidence SOAR. I know that I can take someone down. I know I am just as ferocious as that idiot behind me. I always get "shyer" when I am unarmed, more afraid. Confidence can come from a piece of cold steel and the knowledge you can take someone twice your size down.


Get trained and armed. Most men don't get the crawling voice of being physically weak.

The Urban Jungle

In my life I have done a lot of things, lived in a lot of different places. When I was a kid we were poor. I grew up in bad neighborhoods, trailer parks, and the projects. Than I grew up, seized the American dream and got out.

What happens when an individual realizes they bought a lie? That their achievements are ths ones of "those other guys"? Well if they are a person of action, they get a new dream. So, I sold my house and am living as inexpensively as possible. The goal is to eventually become nomadic.

So, I am back in the urban jungle. Funny thing is as an adult I am terrified. Scared I'll get shot, scared I'll be robbed, injured, etc. The first day someone asked me if I wanted to make some extra money. Took me a few seconds to figure out he thought I was a crackwhore. Lol, in the suburbs I was an attractive housewife and the rumor was I had an eating disorder.
Had a crackhead knock on the door today and offer me crack. Put his foot in the door so I wouldn't shut it. I was terrified, I felt helpless. After a crying fit, after mentally deciding I was going back to my house, after the list of justifications ran through my mind to end this experiment, I realized something. I know how to deal with this shit. I grew up in these kinds of situations.

I have become conditioned to a "safe" environment. Living that way has made me weak. I have inside me an ability to endure shit most people would go insane from. Harnessing that inner strength, remembering the fact that humans are horrible creatures is what I need to do now.

The Third Self

Mr. Dread wrote an excellent blog on the self called The Adversary to the Adversary. That blog got me thinking about the other self, the third self. This is a mindbaby off sorts, created from reading that blog. After careful deliberation, i am letting the Dreadisms and way my first draft imitated his writing stand.

There are three yous. The way you view yourself, the real you, and the way others see you. Most people ignore this third self. Pretend it doesn't exist. However when battling the Adversary, the way you percieve yourself, the third self can be an ally. A causal abstraction you can set against the causal abstraction you have created of yourself.

The third self has it's own abstractions attached to it. Others emotional attachement, sexual attraction, percieved rivalry, dislike,hatred, etc. It is easy to discount this third self due to that but it lacks YOUR abstractions placed upon it. The third self is built through interaction with others, what you project in a social situation. If a person is part of your tribe, family so to speak, their assessment of who you are, the third self may be more accurate than the way you percieve yourself. So, look the third self, that loathsome creature in the face. You may find causal abstractions you didn't know were there.

Fighting Back Part2

Okay this blog has nothing and everything to do with Satanism and EVERYTHING to do with Satanism. I wrote a blog a couple weeks ago about why I have gotten into good physical shape. This is the second part and about the physical fitness course I signed up for. I will publish the exact physical training exercises in a part three blog. I wanted to touch on well, how much I suck and how I have a LONG way to go, before I am where I want to be.

So, the first day I get to the training site. It is a field with a small gym on it. Cool. Looks like fun, I am excited. Then I got my physical. I barely made it through the damn thing, and found out that if I was entering the military, I would meet the requirements for entry, but by the skin of my teeth. I weigh 109 lbs. which is a personal victory (I never weigh myself). I was told to quit smoking (that sucks, btw, day three and a headache), cut down coffee to one cup a day (I drank about three cups), no beer, no soda, no junk food, and to add more protein (I'm almost Vegetarian), more fruits and vegetables, etc. So, no more of the stuff I love. Not at the moment. I need to build muscle mass. So, an overhaul of my diet is required yet again.

Second Day: Now, the training starts. Now, I am over the moon that most other people that signed up are FAT. I get to laugh my ass off at them, knowing that I am there to build muscle mass and get in better shape, while they are there to lose weight. Wahoo!!! I am the queen. Nope, not even close.

Halfway through a ten mile run I had a heat stroke. The first one to fall, is what the trainer says. I am barfing, shaking, breaking into a cold sweat, crying hysterically, and my trainer is yelling, "First one down!!!!" Which causes everyone to stop and laugh. I have to wear a ribbon that says, "First down" everytime I go. Nice. I am paying to get made fun of at this point. I am going to a place to get told I am the weakest.

Third day: I wake up and every fucking part of my body hurts. I start crying in bed (it's 3 am, have to be at Hell at 4 am), from the pain. My right knee, which I injured in Highschool and have a degeneration of cartlidge in is three times it's normal size. Back to wearing a knee brace for this shit. I have to go, even though I don't want to, I have to fight past the pain and utter since of failure.
Get to the training site and it's popquiz time. First down (which is my official nick name, btw) has been selected to run through the initial physical fitness test again. I failed. I failed big time. The trainer tells me they randomly, have you redo the physical fitness test to show you that you were "fresh" the first time so did better. He calls it a reality check.

Fourth Day: Random laugh worthy shit. I am in my car and I am wearing flip flops trying to get the courage to pop all the blisters on my feet. I hate doing that, but they will pop while I'm running or now. Nine of them, fucking nine blisters. I pop all of them one by one. Then I do the normal thing, neosporin and a band aid. Put my foot on the ground and step on a bee. Get stung.

I'm in the middle of the P.T. portion later on. We're doing this suck fest of a set. Ten jumping jacks, then to the ground ten pushups, roll over ten situps (do this 5 sets, standard shit). A fucking bee climbs in my pants and stings me on the ass. Seriously.

Get home and am walking outside (random personal fact, I don't wear shoes at home, ever) and step on another bee. That is three bee stings in one day. LOL. Since it was the same foot both times, it is was swollen to twice it's normal size for 24 hours.

Fifth Day: Today, I get to the place and realize where there were 40 people, only 15 came today. I ask the trainer and he says, "First down, that's normal. Out of the 40 you started with, maybe 5 will finish the course. It's why the money is due up front and is nonrefundable." So, I am at least so far, surviving the course.

Now, while I was on the ten mile run, I had this moment. This incredible, and hard to describe moment. I suddenly could only hear my breath and my heart beating. All chatter was gone. I could hear the birds chirping, all the colors around me were brighter, and for a few moments, I felt free. No thoughts, nothing. Just me, my body, the sun and this clarity. A few moments of really being in the moment. I felt more alive then, than I have most times in my life. I've had that happen before while working out, but not like this. It was bigger, and more powerful than anything else. I have the Will to finish this. It's worth it, for that moment. That moment was reality, it's the only way I can explain it. Total and complete clarity.

Fighting Back

About five years ago I worked at a bar. I was closing up and the bouncer, the bartender, everybody else had left. I locked up, left the keys at the front desk (it was in a hotel), and started walking to a convenience store next door. Three men came from around the corner of the bar and started RUNNING after me. I ran into the bathroom at the gas station and locked the door.

They stood outside beating on the door, asking me to come out. I sat on the floor in the middle of the nastiest bathroom in history, crying hysterically. Dumped out my purse. I had NOTHING to defend myself with. My cell phone was dead. Not even a set of keys. I was trapped in that bathroom for hours. Crying, hoping and praying they would just leave. This was a two hour ordeal. Me trapped in a prison, with the big bad wolves outside. the only thing that stopped me from being hurt was the fact that I thought enough to lock myself in that bathroom. Eventually the attendant woke up from his nap (seriously) and called the cops. He could here me whimpering in the bathroom. I knew that I was LESS than those men outside that bathroom that night. I knew if it had come down to it, I would have easily wound up dead, raped, kidnapped, etc.

I bought pepper spray after the incident. A small thing but it was confidence in a bottle. Would I spray myself in the face if I had had to of used it? Probably. However, it made me able to go back to that bar and work. It gave me the confidence that I wasn't going to be a statistic. I was still terrified but I needed something, anything to give me the ability to not live in fear.

Then the truth hit me one day. As much as I desired equality to men, in my current physical state I was inferior. I was weak. Men are naturally stronger than women and physically superior to women. As an overweight, out of shape, mother of five, I was a slave. Locked into a "I can't get into shape mentality." So, I changed my mind. Then I changed my life. I started dieting and exercising. I lost 80 lbs. I got my concealed carry license. I am now working on building up muscle and in two weeks I am starting training for a Warrior Run in my local area in September. My ultimate goal is to be able to meet the ONA's physical fitness requirements (they seem doable, imo).

Why is this important, you may be asking? Simple. Fear vs. Self Confidence. It is a known statistical fact that a woman that doesn't APPEAR afraid is less likely to be a victim of a violent attack. It's one of the first axioms of any self defense class. Don't look down, look confident. People that want to commit a violent attack (rape, mugging, etc) are looking for a victim, someone who appears weak. Fear causes very specific body language and violent offenders can see it, smell it, and taste it.

To me, self confidence is in direct correlation with rather you can and would fight back if attacked. If you could actually take that fucker down if he came after you. Making yourself a predator as opposed to prey. If you KNOW you can defend yourself, it shows. Your body language and general attitude change.

Since Satanism is a Warrior Ethos largely and a path of self empowerment, your ability to defend yourself should be a cornerstone. It is to me. The physical should mirror the spiritual (can't find a better word). Otherwise it's mental masturbation, without true manifestation.

So let me ask you few questions, do you think Satan would hide in a bathroom crying or would Satan have been armed and capable of fighting back? If you are a Satan, what would you do in that situation? Are you mentally and physically prepared to fight back?