Honor

Is honor a code someone subscribes to? Or is it something innate, something descriptive? By following a code of honor, does one submit to something higher than oneself?

I was not raised in a culture that perpetuates the idea of honor. I wasn't raised in a household that set honor as a standard to uphold. The opposite is the case actually. I was raised in an every person for themselves manner. Depend on nobody, they will eventually fuck you over, is my mother's matra (she says this while leeching of everyone around her, but I digress).

So, I have been memetically programmed from birth to be honorless. Then I discovered Individuality without a purpose, oops I mean Modern Satanism. ;) Most people that call themselves Satanists have no honor, no real sense of personal responsibility, no real class to how they act. Anybody who defends their brethren, is ruled a pack member or a sheep. Anybody who admits they are deeply inspired by another is following them, a groupie or a fan girl.

When I first posted at SIN I was honest about how I felt about certain posters here. I had no concept of who was a "Big Dog" and who wasn't. I immediately clicked with Mr. Dread and a few others. This unique handful of people shaped my thinking, made me realize I wasn't comepletely alone. That my aching loneliness, the knowlegde that I was different than most, could hurt a little less. I was happy and most importantly, I was applying what I was learning to my life.

Then it happened. The others got to me. I was constantly being told that I bowed, that I submitted, that I was a follower or some kind of cyber whore. It got to me. Is it true, am I a groupie? Is my friendship with people affecting how I view their work? Is the only reason anyone reads my work is because I'm an attractive woman? Are these individuals that compliment my mind, really just trying to get in my pants? Am I weak? And on and on and on. I had no doubt, until I starting caring what the larger collective thought. Then I was filled with it, choking on the idea that these assholes were right. Questioning every post I ever wrote.

So, I changed my approach. I became an individual without a purpose. A parody of a woman screaming "RESPECT ME, I'm more than just a body. I have a brain to!!!!" It nauseates me now to think about. Now that I realize by pulling this shit, I was actually submitting to a collective, the Super Serial Individual Collective, LOL.

Then the "ONA Wave" happened. Even more shocking for me, Mr. Dread went ONA. I had a tough question to ask myself. If every damn person you resonate with is ONA what are you? Might want to look into that, duh. Then I read a post over at WSA352. and it was using Martial Arts as an analogy of why they are ONA. Basically, if your Sensei is practicing one form of Martial Arts, you tip your hat to it. It's about Honor and respect (really bad paraphrase).

A realization slapped me in the face at that moment. You are honorless bitch FS. if you don't do the same, you have no honor. If you don't tip your hat to those people who took the time and attention to help improve your form, you are an honorless dog. Fuck the collective of Mundanes without a purpose. You have always "done" Satanism. "I learn more by doind and interacting, than reading" is your own personal tagline. You say it so much, you should just tattoo it to your forehead. So, you are also ONA, Mr. Dread, Mindfux, WSA352, and that handful of others, deserve that much respect from you.

Ironically enough, since making this decision, my growth has been GINORMOUS. I have gained the respect of some individuals that are well, amazing. I still fail, I still struggle at times, but I am not getting "stuck" as often. I no longer care what the Mundane Collective thinks. I am happier, more certain of my own path. I discovered Honor, something that I have always had but never fully understood. It's not a herd mentality to admit that someone has helped you, or inspired you. It's honorable, it's respectful and most importantly, it's true for all of us.