To Whom It May Concern

"Sometimes, trying to fix stupid just becomes cumbersome. " -Fnord

Why I left SIN, in a nutshell.

FS

Superiority Complex

How do you judge your superiority? Is it based on other people or being better than you were previously?

I see the former a shitload on the internet. People who say well I am better, I am superior, I am the highest embodiment of life, because I am better than you. I find this to be an ultimately self defeating mindset to operate under.

Why? Some other motherfucker out there is stronger, bigger, faster and smarter than you. Fact. You are not the biggest, baddest and strongest their is in the entire World. None of us are.

I tend to see the concept of Might is Right or Will To Power in a more compartmentalized fashion. What I mean is that for each area of life, what is stronger triumphs over what is weaker. So the better looking woman wins the looks contest, while the stronger man wins the strength contest. You get the idea and none of us are going to post all tens across the board.

So you can see yourself as Superior because you are better than a bunch of other idiots out there. You can, once again, derive your sense of self from others, even if it's from a Superiority stance.

Or you can turn that inward, invert this idea and use it to shape yourself, to evolve yourself somehow. Are you Superior to the old you, the you that existed a week ago, a month ago or a year ago? Are the results of what you engage in tangible? Can you see the effects of the physical exertion? Do you think in a different way, have you learned something more about yourself from an experience you have had?

If not, you are the same old monkey you have always been. You aren't Superior, you're just another person deriving their sense of worth from others while mouthing off.

I KNOW I am Superior to the old me. Hell, I am Superior to the me that logged on to the interwebz two years ago. I find the old me (from two years ago) to be a high maintenance, whiny, ass kissing, pseudo intellectual little bitch.

I have said it before, when I am looking at others, I really only look for one thing, an evolution of thought to be occurring. This is tangible, even via the interwebz. You can read someone else's opinions change, you can see the results of an Adversarial Praxis in play, even if it is just via what they write.

That's what I tend to respect, those people where I see that evolution. Those are the people that have always made my respect list. If you make my shit kicking list, it is for one reason: I don't see it in you. You are at the same place, spouting the same shit you did the moment I met you.

Either do the work or GTFO. Make yourself Superior to the old you, period. Being Superior to the average jackass is easy. Doing the work to change yourself, to understand who you really are, breaking the chains you have on your psyche is way more fucking difficult.

FS

Watchman Watching

So I finally watched Watchmen (I know, I know catch up FS). Now while I found the movie thoroughly enjoyable, I found the ending well thought provoking, especially in relation to the average persons need for authority.

If you've seen it you get what I am saying. Asshole motherfucker who wants to be the next Alexander The Great pins his blowing up of a shitload of major cities on John, a guy who is basically a God. John's gonna kill his sorry little ass, but then he turns on the news. Russia and the US and every other country now looovvvveeeee each other because they are united against this new common enemy, a guy who can destroy everything.

Now on a larger level what is the message of this movie? That the average person needs a wrathful, vengeance seeking God looking down to stop them from doing stupid shit? That all of humanity will destroy each other and themselves without an authority figure to stop them.

In a secular society what that authority is now is easy to see. The big brotherish government that has developed. With its satellites, databases, etc tracking our every move, keeping an eye on us, throwing people that are somehow unfit for this society into prisons or crushing them under the wheels of poverty, degradation, and forced slavery. Without money one cannot survive in the average Western society so all of us have to do a little slave time. Or suffer a fate that can be worse than death.

I see that a good deal of humanity needs this authority, that it has always existed, will always exist and acts as a way to balance the bloodthirsty, selfish, savage beast that humanity really is.On a mental level its concepts infect our minds on such a level that leaving its influence is truly an impossible task. The machine, that wrathful vengeful authority figure is in our head, not just 'out there' trying to hold us all down.

Then there's Rorschach. A character that is well awesome. In the face of this event occurring he refuses to just keep his mouth shut and roll over and allow the little wannabe Alexander win. He refuses to just stand by while John takes the blame for something he didn't do in some sick attempt to pervert human nature. He says, 'Never compromise even in the face of Armageddon.' He walks away to let others know what happened.

Of course John just waves his hand and turns him into a bloodsmear. However, I find the death in that movie to be a real hero's way out. To refuse to allow this shit to go down. He knows he's going to die (him screaming DO IT is haunting to say the least), he just doesn't care, he finds it something worthy to die for. To decide to allow humanity to be what they really are, even if they destroy each other.

I find a little lesson there. The 'enemy' is literally unstoppable, to big to ever really go down, but... it's necessary to question, oppose, say fuck you to these authority figures. Not because of anything more than it needing to be down.

Was Rorschach an idealist? Yeah, I think so. However, considering he's the only motherfucker willing to stand up for those ideals he has makes him the one I want to emulate, the one I want to be just a wee bit like. Could I stand up to some big blue, God d00d that can wipe me out with a flick of his finger? Could I stand and stay by my convictions in the face of sudden death?

That's what I am left with from watching this movie.

Ramble on FS....

Satanism. One word, infinite interpretations.

Some view it as meaning I can do whatever I want to, a kind of Super Special Individualism. Me? Not so much.

I view it more as a way to say, 'Hey, I seek out adversity, I seek out conflict, I actively engage in things that I want to avoid, that I personally find ugly, gross, awful and distasteful, just for any knowledge I can gain from that. A path to nowhere. One with no end goal but personal insight.

So is it fun? Or glamorous? Hell no. It's all about rolling in the dirt of life. It's all about standing up after you get knocked by life so hard you can't think straight.

I was a badass in my head until someone got the better of me. Until I actually had some motherfucking man get me down on the ground, squeezing my arm as hard as he could while leaning into my face saying, 'don't move or I will break your arm.' Starting to choke me and saying, 'I will kill you.'

I am victorious because I am typing this. I survived, I still breathe air. However, I did die a little that day. I suffered a 'little death.' A perception of myself as something I am not was killed. A perception of the World being a certain way was annihilated.

That's the point behind the Praxis, to suffer little deaths. To learn more about yourself. To learn more about the World and its savage, brutal nature. To find strength in yourself, to cut out weakness. To not be,complacent or comfortable.

I do know what the philosophers say about this and that. I know what the Satanic heavy hitters write. Do their words matter? No. What matters are my own conclusions about things. What matters are what I find to be true based on what I experience in my own life.

While the path is never ending and full of endless strife, it reflects a truth about the World most hide from. I have always found the most significant association Satan has is Lord of the Earth.

This is why:

Is Heaven and God not another way to say that which is borne of the mind? That which Faith, hope and trust is put in? The manufacturings of one's mind? That which is not of Reality?

Meanwhile the Earth is there to view, to experience, to understand. It's Reality. Dark, savage, brutal, impossible to fully experience, but still there. Timeless and in spite of its savagery beautiful.

Welcome to Reality

Welcome to Reality. At least that's my own Personal end goal. To see things a little less through my own perspective and get a grasp on what the World, Humanity, etc is REALLY like.

Why? I am a pessimistic/optimist. I see myself in a very, very negative light and others, the events that surround me, etc through a positive, all people are innately kind and good scope. I know, I know but bear with me.

Now, I know all about WtP, etc but I just don't see others in a 'this person wants to exert their own power over me, this person wants me to bow to their desires' way. *sigh* After my latest foray into doing something outside the norm and something radical, I can see it now.

I have dealt with people man handling me to try to intimidate me. I have dealt with people throwing money (money is power after all) in my face as an attempt to gain sexual favors from me. I have had people steal from me. I have had people lie to me, just continuously.

I tend to take others at face value. It's a basic thing, everybody lies constantly. Some don't even realize they are doing it. They have lied to themselves at such a level they really believe what they are telling me. Due to that knowledge, I tend to just let things go.

I don't walk around thinking, 'Oh this motherfucker is gonna hurt me,' or 'Oh this motherfucker just wants something from me.'

Now I see that it's the way I lie to myself. I assume that others are being 'real' somehow. I assume others are not out to get theirs, even if they have to kick MY teeth in to do it. I assume others are going to follow through with what they say.

And it's a lie. People suck. I think it may be a Societal thing. Everything can seem so safe inside that little bubble. Everyone can seem so benign through that particular looking glass. So, I bought it. I may be at imminent risk of having some motherfucker blow my head off at any moment, or rape me, or torture me, or steal from me, but I can ignore it as long as I am inside that safe little bubble.

I can even say, well I have Self Defense training so I am safe. I am armed so I am safe. Not true, you get the right kinda motherfucker coming after you, they don't give a good goddamn how tough my teeny white girl ass thinks she is. They just want to take, they just want to exert that dominance over me somehow.

Now, I want to know these things, but the cost feels to heavy at times. If I really, really ask myself was I happier, did I feel safer before I started sticking my head in the lion's mouth for pleasure, the answer is an enthusiastic Yes.

Now, I am kinda scared, I feel like I live in a World full of this weird kinda innate cruelty, and that it wants to come after me, it DOES come after me just as hard as everyone else. That I am no more protected from that than the clueless, laughing little blonde Barbies I see.

Where Am I?

EA rock concert? A country concert?

Hell no. This is a line in Nashville for Homeless people to get a hot meal. It's called Bridge Bunch and the location is one of the former 'hiding places ' for the Homeless to sleep.

Revitalization my ass. The economy is doing better? Yeah fucking right. Homelessness is at an all time high in Smashville, home of pretension and broken dreams, home of the Hopeless.

I Hope You Dance

Sometimes you have a moment so fucking profound it's almost impossible to put into words.

So here's the scene... I am at a Music In The Park thing. Local bands playing live music. I get there and the first thing, in fact the most noticeable thing is this black guy. He's the only person dancing. He looks well ... wild in comparison to your average sheeple. Long hair, combat boots, etc.

Now I am a people watcher. And I notice the reaction of people as they walk past him. They either stare or pretend he doesn't exist. Looks of disgust are thrown his way. Every once in awhile he gets a hug, like he's the token freak.

As I watch I notice something else. He's into it, he's happy. Is the average person there? No. They are distracted. Clutching their cellphones, yelling at their kids, just completely disengaged, completely miserable, completely blah in comparison.

I say to my husband, "Look. He's the only Individual here. He's the only one in the moment. "  So he starts watching. Idiots that dye their hair green to be nonconformists, ignoring or being disgusted at the only person doing their own thing, LOL.

So, a new band comes up. I get up when they start. I am going to dance to. There's a fucking area for dancing for fucks sake. So I danced. I just let go, I just let the music move me as well. I 'get over' my instinct to just sit like everyone else.

Here's what's funny. Within five minutes two little girls join me. Then more. I open my eyes and one point and see five little kids standing in a line staring at me. I smile and keep dancing. They dance, I dance, awesome ass black dude dances. Parents start encouraging their kids to dance as well.

A little boy starts whooping for the band. I develop a fan in a red headed man. He smiles at me, claps for me, whistles a few times.

It is a 30 minute moment  that can only be described as Numinous, almost holy in nature. I can't describe the emotional response I had. I was fighting back tears at the beauty of this moment me, this man and these children are having.

I get done and am emotionally rocked. Questions fill my mind. Why children and not adults? Why did I get a different reception than he did? Why did people quit viewing him as a freak when I got up? Why did adults sway on their blankets, rather than dance?

It was a reflection of a fundamental fact... One person does something ANYTHING out of the norm, they're crazy. Two or more, a movement of sorts.

Now I deal in Darkness. In Hell on Earth at times. In things that shake the psyche to the core. But this, this dancing was the same way. A 'positive' psychological shakeup. A stepping outside of the normal in favor of doing what I want.

I said to the guy afterwards, "You made my day." He told me I made his as well. Asked me if I was coming back. I said yes.

And I will DANCE.